Posts Tagged ‘TULIP: smell the flowers’

“Calvinism Unnatural”: Gay Christians Say

July 3, 2010

Fellow Discernmentalists…Beware… We are Under Attack again. The Gay Christian League of Anti-Christs for the Destruction of Biblical Morality have issued this controversial statement:

We have to continue to witness against the evil of Calvinism and pray that the Lord will open the blind eyes of those deceived by this unnatural behavior. We’re not remotely concerned about being politically correct about this issue. We know that Calvinists have chosen to continue believing in their fatalistic and self-destructive philosophy. We only pray that God will deliver them and change them to accepting their God-ordained Freedom in Christ. Yes Calvinism is unnatural…for who in their right mind would willing comply with subjecting themselves to being a mere automaton slave of the unpredictable whims of a fickle God of Wrath? No we are not robot zombie puppets…after all for Freedom’s sake Christ came to set us Free.   

Oh the horror of such rank heresy and bigoted terms! How dare anyone attack our Pure Biblical Truth Gospel like that. How dare anyone suggest that such a thing as Libertarian Free Will exists…why that goes against every moral fiber of our sound Biblical eisegesis exegesis. How can grace be grace if it is a free gift that just anyone can freely choose to accept and how can grace be a free gift if it wasn’t freely given to those whom God fatalistically pre-chose to give it to? We are appalled that anyone would dare think  differently than us. I mean it’s not like those stone dead in their sins can hear God’s voice anyway. No that would be too synergistic and we know that God never ever cooperates with man in anything. Remember these tried and true Pure words from our Gospels:  “Jacob I loved, but Esau I hated”—which we know has everything to do with salvation in Christ.

Getting back to The Gay Christian League of Anti-Christs for the Destruction of Biblical Morality, their attacks have even taken a far sinister turn when they suggested that John Calvin was actually a queerosexual. We can’t stand for this bigoted libel and slander of  ‘a great and holy man of God so greatly used by our Absolutely Sovereign Lord of Vengeful Jealous Wrath without whom we would all still be struggling in the dark ignorance of Roman Arminianism that man-exalting heresy.’ Some members of  The Gay Christian League of Anti-Christs for the Destruction of Biblical Morality have stated that Calvinists were born the way they are and choose to remain Calvinist and glorify their mentally unbalanced disease:

However the large majority of  The Gay Christian League of Anti-Christs for the Destruction of Biblical Morality believe that Calvinism is a choice and that Calvinists should repent of their abnormal, unnatural and unbiblical behavior.  The Gay Christian League of Anti-Christs for the Destruction of Biblical Morality have even set up centers for deprogramming Calvinists.  We have reason to suspect that the leaders who caused all these recent attacks are none other than Greg McCaw a self-avowed gay queer fag Emergent Christian (an oxymoron if there ever was one)—in conjunction with a heretic named Tom and another fag named Alvin McEwen. Fellow Discernmentalists we must not stand for these bigoted lies against our Pure Biblical Gospel Truth Doctrines—the Once For All Biblically Correct Pure Gospel Truth Doctrines delivered to the Saints like John Owen and Augustus Toplady lest the Church fall into the hands of the Emerging Homosexualist agenda of Emergent apostates.

P. S. We are not bigots for taking a stand against all you Arminian, Emergent and queer reprobates…we are just speaking the Truth in love and grace of course!

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Hunting Season For Liberals Officially Begins!

May 14, 2010

    

(Gloom And Despair News: a subsidiary of GOIP Media Dominion Corporation as distributed by Outhouse Fails Publishing, Inc.) —-  Discernmentalists head to hunting ranges all across America now that Liberal Hunting Season has begun. Steve Camp of Camp On This Gloom and Disparaging Ministries has promised to reward the first True Bible-Believing  Fundamentalist Conservative/Republican Calvinist Christian to bag over a hundred liberals with a prize of an authentic tissue paper used by none other than our very own Ken Silva. The tissue paper is bound to become a  True Discernmentalist collector’s item. Camp has indeed verified that the tissue has really been used by Ken Silva for it is so full of ego and Absolute Truth. The tissue also comes complete with a certificate of authenticity.

Camp is on record as saying there are no limits on who may be considered a liberal. Any and all groups other than Confessional Dortian Calvinists are to be considered too liberal to be Truly Biblical and most importantly even Truly Christian. Most or all groups that are considered too liberal to Truly be Christian are dark evil reprobated heathen unregenerate hell-bound apostates as Camp goes on to further state :

To paraphrase former President Ronald Reagan’s words when speaking of communism:

“Open Theism, Universalism, Mormonism, Romanism, the Emergent Church, Jehovah Witnesses, Pragmaticism, Syncretism, Word of Faith, New Perspective of Paul, Libertarian Free Will, Socinianism, the Social Gospel, and Sabellianism is foreign to heaven, where they’ve never had part in it; and is welcome in hell, where they’ve already got it.” (Source).

In related news, Brannon Howse and Todd Friel have teamed up and have pledged their support for an upcoming Anti-Glenn Beck /Anti-Social Gospel Rally. At the moment, all the details are still in the open. We’ll let you know when and if any futher details come to light or as soon as any  future developments are made available.