Posts Tagged ‘humor’

John MacArthur (PBUH) to re-release Poop Wars: Fighting for Superstitions; Incoherence and Irrelevancy against Emergents; Liberals; Atheist Arminians; Chaotic Charismatics and Catholic Scientists in an Age of Scientific Fact and Reason

March 13, 2020

0205a00deb931866a53bfb6d015b1565

Never to shy away from controversy our fearless Pope of all Truth over the Truth War (TPUT) decides to re-release his book Poop Wars amidst the toilet paper shortage as a warning to America to turn back to what the Bible aka his Holy Doctrines (PBUT) teach. In one of his sermons from the book (TPUI) he exposits (as God only recognizes expository sermons as topical preaching is too liberal and clearly not PURELY REFORMED enough): America needs to repent from using toilet paper—lest we fall into the angry hand of our Sovereign God before the Rapture—MY Schofield-inspired STUDY bible is Absolutely CLEAR!

Our Holy Sovereign Creator, God of Wrath, is most pleased when we (the Elect) obey and submit to the Orthodox Doctrine of the Holy Pooping as clearly laid out in His Holy Inerrant and Infallible Word. When the Israelites obeyed our God of Wrath not love (Theological liberals want to delude you into thinking God is a lovey dovey inclusive God of let’s hold hands and sing kumba-yah but the Bible is clear on this matter when it says: “God is an all consuming fire, a God of Vengeful Wrath and no respecter of persons”) by defecating outside, they gave God the glory by defecating in a holy manner.
One other thing I would like to say to Bible-minded Christians is to remain Bibliocentric and hold onto Biblical Integrity, one ought to confront all Christians living in the sin of using toilet paper as toilet paper was invented by Pagan Chinese, who worshipped false gods and not our God of Wrath as Revealed in the Inerrant and Infallible Holy Bible. Also, paper itself was invented by Pagan Egyptians to inscribe their demonic and blasphemous scriptures to their false gods, in their dark, morally and spiritually corrupt religious practices—so that if the Elect falls prey to the sin of using toilet paper, they in affect may be welcoming in false gods (disguised as seducing demons) into their lives. So as we can see using toilet paper is an unholy sin of humanistic pride against our Divine Sovereign God of Wrath, who in His Absolute Sovereignty created (6000 years ago in 6 literal days) our hands, wool, lace or hemp, wood shavings, leaves, grass, hay, stone, sand, moss, water, snow, maize husks, fruit skins, or seashells, and corn cobs for us to use to clean our anuses. Toilet paper then is for that old line of theological liberals, evolutionists, secular humanists and atheistic communists and not True Bible-Believing Christians.

Sharon Whitley agrees and reminds the Elect that using toilet paper is as unbiblical and Popish Pagan as the false worship of those Romish holidays of Christmas and Easter. Clearly the road to idolatry and statue worship!  So remember:

Wipe your ass with soft paper from a roll/And to hell lose your very soul /Wipe your ass with rough leaves and grass/Please our loving Sovereign hate-filled God of ABSOLUTE WRATH!

In other news: MacArthur (TPUH)’s son is being investigated for fraud.

Mark MacArthur, a son of Pastor John MacArthur of Grace Community Church in California, has been charged by the Securities and Exchange Commission along with a wealth management company he founded with defrauding their advisory clients.

The Gay Agenda ReExposed

October 31, 2019

73388496_10219615390351960_460497855082135552_n

Now in movie form the Gay Agenda has been re-exposed!

Celebrities Endorsed Rob Bell’s Dr. Pepper

May 21, 2019

Gene Simmons of Kiss in the past endorsed Rob Bell’s heretical plot to use Dr. Pepper to lure unsuspecting sinners into believing God’s Love wins. Quote one of our old articles—Actual quote from Rob Bell (a heretic): “Hahaha…if I use the same colors on the book cover of Love Wins as Dr. Pepper Cherry, people will have to believe my Universalist message that Love Wins.” Ken Silva who wasn’t half the Discernmentalist that we are—failed to catch that. Thankfully though we have warned you at just how crafty the Emergent Church’s secret Agenda is!

Thankfully our Research Robot Monkeys also heard that Gene recently got saved from the Emergent hordes as he was heard weeping tears of joy at the Pentagon from hearing the good news of their war mongering. We heard he repented and started worshipping America First again—thank our Angry God! Now you may not know but elsewhere Rob Bell (a heretic) said this against our beloved America which proves him a heretic as America should never be questioned:

“Most of the Bible is a history told by people living in lands occupied by conquering superpowers. It is a book written from the underside of power. It’s an oppression narrative. The majority of the Bible was written by a minority people living under the rule and reign of massive, mighty empires, from the Egyptian Empire to the Babylonian Empire to the Persian Empire to the Assyrian Empire to the Roman Empire.

This can make the Bible a very difficult book to understand if you are reading it as a citizen of the most powerful empire the world has ever seen. Without careful study and reflection, and humility, it may even be possible to miss central themes of the Scriptures.”
Rob Bell, Jesus Wants to Save Christians: A Manifesto for the Church in Exile

You see there he’s saying Americans can’t understand the Bible—nonsense as we all know Americans (or at least Nationalists) wrote our Bible. Here’s a Trumpism for you to counteract this heresy: “We love winners. We love winners. Winners are winners.”

Breaking: Grand Moff Tarkin joins Mothra’s feminist assaults on our Truth

May 19, 2019

p4JIJU3

Grand Mothra Tarkin spreading the evil horrors of equality of the sexes and female pastors

Quote Freakishly Tall News: “This is what feminists embrace. It is a horrible demonstration of the gullibility of women and the reason why women should never be ordained. It always bugged me that it appears that Vader (divine male leader) was a Subordinate of Grand Moth Tarkin (feminists) when Vader was on the Death Star. I always thought that being the number two man of the Sith would make him the number two man in the Empire? GK edit: I always wondered why John Williams didn’t write a theme for the Grand Moth. Would have been sweet like the Moth Theme from FOTR.”

Thankfully though Todd “Freakishly Tall” agrees with us that our Brand of fear-mongering and scare tactics are the only way to stop Mothra’s hordes from taking over our churches.