Posts Tagged ‘GOIP Foods’

Saint John MacArthur’s Certs

November 3, 2009

macarthurabsolute certs

Do you need to be Absolutely Certain that you are truly of  the Regenerate Elect? Are those evil Arminians and Emergents trying to confuse you of the Absolute Truth? Never fear we here at GOIP Food Labs have come up with the Absolutely Perfect product to suit your Discernmentalist needs–introducing Saint John MacArthur made Absolute Certs: for those times when you need to stay fresh in  your Discern-ments! These Discern-ments are flavored with Absolute Truth in every piece and are guaranteed to protect your doctrines from the impurities of those evil Arminians and Emergents and ensure you that you are truly of  the Regenerate Elect complete with Saint John MacArthur’s seal of approval. You’ll also be Absolutely Certain  of the Absolute Truth of everything.

Side Effects may include but are not limited to: Judgmentalism, a Purposeless Driven Life, Reformed thinking, loss of friends, vomiting, arrogance, hate, a black and white worldview, heartburn, gall, the urge to vote for Ultra-Right-Wing Conservative Christian Republicans, Fundamentalism, bibliolatry, Calvinolatry and Spurgeon-worship—-a superiority complex, legalism, constipation, upset stomach, indigestion, diarrhea, etc.

Jan Markell Presents Our Favorite Conservative Bible Verse Rewrites

October 31, 2009

GOIP CF Cereal

All GOIP Discernmentalists have  a healthy balanced breakfast with Olive Tree Ministries presents Christo-Fascist Flakes… a taste of imperialism in every bite. Jan Markell maker of the cereal wants everyone to know why we support the Conservative Bible Project—here are her suggested bible verse rewrites:

But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who conserves His resources and gives only to those that work hard enough to earn wisdom; God will reward them with it.—for James 1:5.

Jesus answered, “If you want to be perfect, go, invest and save all your possessions and make a net gain, and you will have treasure on earth as in heaven. Then come, follow me and Reganism.”—for Matthew 19:21.

And: The Sermon on the Mount
5:1 Seeing the crowds, he went up on the mountain, and when he sat down, his disciples came to him.
The Beatitudes
2 And he opened his mouth and taught them, saying:
3 “Blessed are the rich in spirit and those that work hard to get ahead, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 “Blessed not are those who mourn, for they shall not be comforted. Comfort and feeling good about ourselves is from the devil, sissies, weak pansies and liberals.
5 “Blessed are the proud and arrogant, for they shall conquer and triumph over all of the earth.
6 “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for legalism, for they shall satisfy God’s wrath.
7 “Blessed are the judgmental, for they shall receive due reward for being right and correcting everyone else.
8 “Blessed are the proud of heart, for they shall see God in themselves.
9 “Blessed are the warmongers, for they shall be called sons [1] of God.
10 “Blessed are those who persecute non-fundamentalist Christians, pagans, queers, atheists and liberals for legalism’s sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
11 “Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of facts against you truthfully on account of your idolatry. 12 Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for so they persecuted the pharisees who were before you.

……..

Christ Came to reinforce the Law
17 “Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to reinforce them. 18 For truly, I say to you, until heaven and earth pass away, not an iota, not a dot, will pass from the Law until all is accomplished. 19 Therefore whoever relaxes one of the least of these commandments and teaches others to do the same will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but whoever does them and teaches them will be called great in the kingdom of heaven. 20 For I tell you, unless your righteousness exceeds that of the scribes and Pharisees, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.

………

Retaliation
38 “You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ 39 But I say to you, if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him and slap him back. 40 And if anyone would try to sue you and take your tunic, [7] do not let him have anything. 41 And if anyone forces you to go one mile, force him to go two miles. 42 Give nothing to the one who begs from you, and refuse the one who would borrow from you.

Hate Your Enemies
43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I say to you, Hate your neighbor as well as your enemies and pray for your enemies’ death, 45 so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the good—the Elect, and sends rain on the unjust—the non-Elect. 46 For if you love those who are your enemies, what reward do you have? Do not even the liberals do the same? 47 And if you greet those that are not your brothers, [8] what more are you doing than others? Do not even the heretics do the same? 48 You therefore must be perfect by separating yourselves from liberals, heretics and sinners just as your heavenly Father is perfect and separated from them.

……..

Judging Others
7:1 “Judge others often, so that you be judged to be truly elected by God. 2 For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged righteous, holy and pure—guardians of the Absolute Truth, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you a reward. 3 Always see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, so that you do not notice the log that is in your own eye. 4 Say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ so that you can avoid the guilt of the log in your own eye.

Of course these verses are from that liberal Emergent apostate TheoPoet’s  site poking fun of us but we don’t deny our plans to take back the bible for Jesus. Infact my co-GOIPer  and discernmentalist colleague Dr. Truthslayer wants you to know that you will find all of these verses and more on several diferent cards that are packaged with all all three poseable Jan Markell Action Figures with the purchase of each box of edifying Fascist Flakes. Collect all 666 cards or else.