Archive for the ‘Take A Stand’ Category

Brannon Howse Explains True Biblical Masculinity

November 17, 2010

BEHOLD MIGHTILY ALL YE GOD-HATING REPROBATES that

Brannon Howse after learning that we are under attack by Femi-Marxists has stepped up his efforts in defense of the Absolute Biblical Truth of Biblical Manhood, Biblical Womanhood and the 21st century American values of patriarchal families. Note Brannon has said: “Whether people admit it or not, it is evident that there are God-ordained roles for men and for women-each complementing the other. This is what makes a great marriage great-the different and sometimes opposite but complementary gifts, abilities, insight, and interests of each spouse.

What are these  God-ordained roles for men you may ask—why nothing but this: the husband/father  (man) has absolute control over his wife/daughter (woman/girl) period. Women are inferior and are nothing but our property. A woman shouldn’t speak unless they have our permission to speak first. A woman shouldn’t think unless they think exactly like us—how dare any of them try to think for themselves or speak their own mind! A woman’s place is at home barefoot and pregnant and to submit unto us (their male overlords) and to cater to our every whim, beckoning and need. A woman is nothing but an incubator to our seeds (preferbably all male seeds for if you are a true Biblical manly man you will only sire all male heirs). A woman’s place is definitely not in the work force and most certainly not leading a church by preaching the wonderful, beautiful, glorious Biblical Gospel of God’s Absolute Sovereign Wrath in damning 99% of all humanity to hell before they were even born.

Also remember domestic abuse is the fault of reprobate women for not bowing down and submitting unto our Pure Reformed Doctrines not us Pure Biblical manly men.

Brannon Howse Exposes Richard Land’s New World Order

October 5, 2010

Item #1 on Brannon Howse’s New World Order Agenda plans for fellow Discernmentalists is to discernmentalize the following groups of people and their unbiblical *(note: anti-American) agendas: Marxists, Muslims, Mormons, Globalists, and Richard Land of the Southern Baptist Convention.

“Sadly,” notes Brannon Howse (our beloved Führer); “I believe the Southern Baptist Convention’s Ethics and Religious Liberty Commission headed by Richard Land is being used to push radically unbiblical, politically correct, and anti-American agendas. As a member of a solid, Bible teaching SBC church, I am very concerned about Land’s activities. However, I think even those that are not a member of an SBC church should be concerned since Land is speaking as an evangelical.”

Reasons why we all must now take a stand in God’s Absolute Sovereign Wrath by supporting  Brannon Howse’s Truth War against Richard Land of the Southern Baptist Convention’s Ethics & Religious Liberty Commission:

  • He’s recently and slowly joined the Axis of Evil—we have Absolute Proof:
  • He’s aided the terrorists as Land Endorsed the U.S. Muslim Engagement Project and is helping to build Mosques
  • He’s too soft on Emergent and Red Letter Christian heretics as Land endorsed a book by Radical Jim Walls
  • He’s a closet postmodern universalist/pluralistic ecumenist for Land gives credibility to Mormonism
  • He is for illegal aliens invading our hallowed God-blessed land as (Richard) Land promotes Obama’s amnesty agenda
  • He is for the Antichrist and the Antichrist’s New One World Religous Government and Economy (NWO) for Land gives credibility to global governance

How you can help aid Brannon Howse as a Discernmentalist and Truth Warrior:

While there may be a few liberal “Christians” that applaud Land as he gives credibility to globalism, ecumenicalism, Mormonism, Neo-Marxism, amnesty and Islam; I know many conservative, Bible-believing Christians are eagerly waiting for a swift and Biblical response by SBC leaders to Mr. Land’s unbiblical and unequally yoked spiritual endeavors. I have had several SBC pastors express their concern to me about Mr. Land’s activities. In fact, many SBC pastors and members have requested this article so they might distribute it to other SBC pastors and members in hopes Land can be stopped from using his position, the SBC name, and SBC funds to give credibility to these radical causes.

We all must now band together at once as people of different denominational and faith backgrounds in the tradition of Worldview Weekend to take a stand against Richard Land and his apostasy from Brannon Howse’s One World Fascist American Theocratic Agenda Absolute Biblical Truth and his treasonous behavior towards the American Gospel.

Extra Concerned Nazarenes Under Attack

July 25, 2010

Eric Barger notes that Extra Concerned Nazarenes has recently come under attack when Rob Bell unleashed his evil Emergent unbiblical and false Jesus upon their headquarters. Artist sketch of what this Jesus supposedly looked like has been rendered below:

We most mightly thank Eric Barger and his mighty Truth Warrior and Discernmentalist ministry for taking a stand against this abomination. We also thank Todd Friel and Glenn Beck for doing the same:

Cat Glasses!

July 11, 2010

Wretched News exercising a test of the Sound Doctrines Detecting Tester of Locating Out of Order New Age Trends noted that anyone caught wearing “Cat Glasses” is suspect theologically. Reasons given are:

  1. Cat Glasses are synonymous with Catholics
  2. Catholics are semi-Pelagian quasi-Universalists
  3. Rob Bell, “Emergent guru” is also a semi-Pelagian quasi-Universalist
  4. Rob Bell wears Cat Glasses
  5. Rob Bell is also a heretic
  6. Therefore anyone caught wearing Cat Glasses is also suspect of being a heretic

Our logic is flawless who can argue against these points. We all must do whatever we can to take a stand and come against those who would dare wear Cat Glasses in our churches. Dr. Truthslayer my colleague in Discernmentalism adds that: “we support this kind of discernmentalism as absolute truth and so should you. We KNOW Rob is an emerging-liberal apostate…so anything we say or do (even if not factual) should still be accepted as truth.”

P. S. “Rob Bell is definitely not like Jesus” so you should never wear, imitate or do anything he does.

Sharin’ Whiplash Goes Contemplative….Alert, Alert!

July 9, 2010

Sound the alarms, we’ve caught Sharin’ Whiplash one of our most faithful expositors of our Pure Doctrines in the midst of supporting New Age Mysticism:

More on Contemplative Centering Prayer:

Centering prayer is a popular method of contemplative prayer or Christian meditation, placing a strong emphasis on interior silence.

Though most authors trace its roots to the contemplative prayer of the Desert Fathers of early Christian monasticism, to the Lectio Divina tradition of Benedictine monasticism, and to works like The Cloud of Unknowing and the writings of St. Teresa of Avila and St. John of the Cross, its origins as part of the “Centering Prayer” movement in modern Catholicism and Christianity can be traced to several books published by three Trappist monks of St. Joseph’s Abbey in Spencer, Massachusetts in the 1970s: Fr. William Meninger, Fr. M. Basil Pennington and Abbot Thomas Keating.[1]

Note that Iggy the evil Grace-hating man-loving Emergent Pelagian teaches this stuff so you know it must  be heresy.

Play Your Part In Helping Us To Win John MacArthur’s Truth War

July 5, 2010

Help us win John MacArthur’s Truth War by obeying our rules or else the Emergent Postmodernist Spiritual Terrorists will win!

P. S. That means you too John Armstrong!

“Calvinism Unnatural”: Gay Christians Say

July 3, 2010

Fellow Discernmentalists…Beware… We are Under Attack again. The Gay Christian League of Anti-Christs for the Destruction of Biblical Morality have issued this controversial statement:

We have to continue to witness against the evil of Calvinism and pray that the Lord will open the blind eyes of those deceived by this unnatural behavior. We’re not remotely concerned about being politically correct about this issue. We know that Calvinists have chosen to continue believing in their fatalistic and self-destructive philosophy. We only pray that God will deliver them and change them to accepting their God-ordained Freedom in Christ. Yes Calvinism is unnatural…for who in their right mind would willing comply with subjecting themselves to being a mere automaton slave of the unpredictable whims of a fickle God of Wrath? No we are not robot zombie puppets…after all for Freedom’s sake Christ came to set us Free.   

Oh the horror of such rank heresy and bigoted terms! How dare anyone attack our Pure Biblical Truth Gospel like that. How dare anyone suggest that such a thing as Libertarian Free Will exists…why that goes against every moral fiber of our sound Biblical eisegesis exegesis. How can grace be grace if it is a free gift that just anyone can freely choose to accept and how can grace be a free gift if it wasn’t freely given to those whom God fatalistically pre-chose to give it to? We are appalled that anyone would dare think  differently than us. I mean it’s not like those stone dead in their sins can hear God’s voice anyway. No that would be too synergistic and we know that God never ever cooperates with man in anything. Remember these tried and true Pure words from our Gospels:  “Jacob I loved, but Esau I hated”—which we know has everything to do with salvation in Christ.

Getting back to The Gay Christian League of Anti-Christs for the Destruction of Biblical Morality, their attacks have even taken a far sinister turn when they suggested that John Calvin was actually a queerosexual. We can’t stand for this bigoted libel and slander of  ‘a great and holy man of God so greatly used by our Absolutely Sovereign Lord of Vengeful Jealous Wrath without whom we would all still be struggling in the dark ignorance of Roman Arminianism that man-exalting heresy.’ Some members of  The Gay Christian League of Anti-Christs for the Destruction of Biblical Morality have stated that Calvinists were born the way they are and choose to remain Calvinist and glorify their mentally unbalanced disease:

However the large majority of  The Gay Christian League of Anti-Christs for the Destruction of Biblical Morality believe that Calvinism is a choice and that Calvinists should repent of their abnormal, unnatural and unbiblical behavior.  The Gay Christian League of Anti-Christs for the Destruction of Biblical Morality have even set up centers for deprogramming Calvinists.  We have reason to suspect that the leaders who caused all these recent attacks are none other than Greg McCaw a self-avowed gay queer fag Emergent Christian (an oxymoron if there ever was one)—in conjunction with a heretic named Tom and another fag named Alvin McEwen. Fellow Discernmentalists we must not stand for these bigoted lies against our Pure Biblical Gospel Truth Doctrines—the Once For All Biblically Correct Pure Gospel Truth Doctrines delivered to the Saints like John Owen and Augustus Toplady lest the Church fall into the hands of the Emerging Homosexualist agenda of Emergent apostates.

P. S. We are not bigots for taking a stand against all you Arminian, Emergent and queer reprobates…we are just speaking the Truth in love and grace of course!

Consistent ODM Calvinism

June 30, 2010

Not only do we believe in all 9 points of ODM Calvinism but we are also Consistent ODM Calvinists as well—we like to read our Calvinist eisegesis exegesis into out of all manners of Bible verses. Here are just a few examples utilizing our Absolute Biblical Certainty and Calvinist-based mathematics:

  • The Creation of the World In the beginning God created the heavens and the regenerate predestined Elect. Then God said, “Let us make the regenerate and Elect of man [8] in our image, after our likeness. And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over the livestock and over the select few of the Chosen and over some creeping things that creeps in the church.” So God created only regenerate and predestined Elect man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and purely male he created them. And God blessed them with His Absolute Sovereign Wrath. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the church and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over some of the living things that move in the church.” And God said, “Behold, I have given you a select few of the plant yielding seed that is on the face of the chosen patches of dirt, and a select few trees with seed in its fruit. You shall have them for food. And to the chosen few beasts that were predestined and to some of the birds of the heavens and to the select few things that creeps on the chosen patches of dirt, only a select few things that have the breath of life, I have given some of the green plants for food.” And it was so. And God saw the select chosen few things that he had made, and behold, it was very wretched. (ODM-ESV).

How can unregenerate reprobated man be created in the image of God since they are of their father the devil and like him were created for the sole purpose to be destroyed out of God’s sheer good pleasure of course?

  • The Righteousness of God Through Faith But now the righteousness of God has been manifested apart from the law, although the Law and the Prophets bear witness to it— the righteousness of God through faith in Jesus Christ for the select chosen few who were predestined to believe. For there is no distinction: for only some have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, whom God put forward as a penal substitute by his blood, to be received by an absolute divine and unknowable decree of predestined election. This was to show God’s righteousness, because in his divine forbearance he had passed over former sins. It was to show his righteousness at the present time, so that he might be just and the justifier of the ones who were predestined to have faith in Jesus. (ODM-ESV).

Thankfully we are of the select few who were chosen through regeneration to be predestined to eternally secured Elect salvation so therefore we are sinless and inerrant—and not of the select few who have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. For how can regenerate man ever sin?

What Manner Of Calvinists Are You?

June 30, 2010

Dear Dr. Jobson,

I am a new follower of your site and the Online Discernmentalist Mafia… from what I’ve viewed so far I’m impressed but have a few quick questions for you:

Could you please tell me your standing on the 5 points of Calvinism? Do you believe in TULIP? The “Divines of Dort?” Just what manner of Calvinists are you and the rest of the crew of your fine d-i-s-s-e-r-n-m-e-n-t ministries?

Signed,

A concerned reader—I. R. Monkey

———————————————————————————————-

 

Dear I. R. Monkey,

We assure you by our eternally secured elect salvation that we are among the highest pedigree of Calvinists. We know that we are among the Regenerate Predestined Elect for whom God chose from the foundation of the world to send His son for and to limit His atonement for—all out of His good pleasure of course and all for His glory. You see our God the True God is a jealous and vain God who needs and doesn’t need humans at the same time—but He doesn’t need just any humans—He needs Divine Truth Warrior humans. He doesn’t need Arminians, Emergents and Catholics, etc. however.

This was why we were unable to resist His great wrath rape hate grace in electing us as Truth Warriors. We not only believe in the 5 points of Calvinism that John MacArthur and Ken Silva and all our other fellow ODMs hold to but we also believe in the 4 extra points of Calvinism that all ODMs hold in common as well though we are still 1 point behind Sharin’ Whiplash. We also believe in all 5 Solas alone so you see we are above and beyond your average Calvinist for we are True Bible-Based Calvinists. We only hope that you will one day come to unconditionally accept our Pure Doctrines and teachings as Absolute Truth. We also hope through your total inability that you unconditionally accept our conditions of repentance and belief lest you be among the unregenerate reprobated non-elect sinners chosen to bear God’s Absolute Sovereign Wrath in the “real place” that is hell. We hope that clears up where we stand.

In the wide mercy of His loving wrath,

Dr. Don Jobson

 

 

 

Slice of Laodicea Introduces New Pocket-sized Truth Grinder to Test Market

June 28, 2010

Ingrid formerly of the great and mighty Truth Warrior Blog: Slice of Laodicea (which was secretly raptured off the internet after Ingrid merged with Crosstalk Blogs but not in an evil Emergent way) has finally released her brand new pocket-sized Truth Grinder in handgun form to a public test market. Now you can grind Truth with ease with this rare one of a kind SOL Collectible Pocket-Sized Truth Grinder Magnum.

Now you can turn any quote into a misquote with ease. You can spin any belief other than your own into heresy. You can grind, turn and twist any truth until it is so pulverized that you are able to remake Truth into your own image and the image of your fellow discernmentalists.

Ken Silva gives Ingrid and SOL’s brand spanking new Pocket-Sized Truth Grinder Magnum his personal seal of approval. Here are a few examples of the Pocket-Sized Truth Grinder Magnum in all of it’s Truth-grinding glory from some of our test runs:

Tony Campolo has said: “I have already made the point that we need to have to win people to Jesus Christ, but we must also preach the whole Gospel which not only calls people to love Jesus but to bring His justice into the political and economic arena in which we live.” Clearly that makes him a Communist/Socialist.

Rob Bell attended an event with the Dalai Lama—clearly Rob Bell doesn’t think Jesus is God.

Brian McLaren has said: “The church latched on to that old doctrine of original sin like a dog to a stick, and before you knew it, the whole gospel got twisted around it. Instead of being God’s big message of saving love for the whole world, the gospel became a little bit of secret information on how to solve the pesky legal problem of original sin.” Clearly he is not only a Gnostic but also a Pelagian/Semi-Pelagian.

We wish to weed out all the sinful reprobates and false converts from the Church—however, we are not Donatists/Semi-Donatists—just to make that clear, etc…