Archive for the ‘Sturgis’ Category

Fear AND Self-LOATHING on the INTERNET…

June 10, 2010

       

Our hero Ken Silva reprises his role in this sequel to the classic Fear And Loathing On The Internet. In this new film fresh off the conveyor belts of the GOIP DVD production lines—Ken begins lamenting the fact that there is  “a growing influence of Contemplative Spirituality/Mysticism (CSM) that has crept right into the timid heart of the squishy evanjellyfish church organism pretending to be a True Protestant community.”

Soon this lamenting turns into self-loathing followed by fear and then finally fear and self-loathing combined of which the title (Fear And Self-Loathing On The Internet) of the film is derived. Shortly in the film—in the midst of protesting against “the growing influence of Contemplative Spirituality/Mysticism (CSM)” in the church today— Ken experiences a computer crash but manages to send out this message through Discernmentalist Osmosis which is in the DNA of all True Discernmentalists:

Just a short note asking for prayer, particularly if you’ve been blessed by this online apologetics and discernment work, and making you aware that the hard drive in the main computer at here at Apprising Ministries has crashed. Fortunately back problems had forced me to do much of my work from a laptop so the loss of materials/information was lessened. Since our email program went through that now defunct main computer we no longer have access to it so we’ve begun a new email account: apprisingministries@gmail.com. We remain thankful you have been standing with Apprising Ministries through these 5+ years, and thank you for your prayer, as well as financial support as well. O, and the blessing; well, we’re still waiting to see what the Lord has in store through this little bit of a test as we try and rebuild our database.

Fearing for the worse Ken soon discovers that the evil Frank Viola and equally evil Leonard Sweet caused his hard drive to crash through their spiritually corrupt practice of Contemplative/Centering Prayer. Our film ends with Ken pledging to put his fear and self-loathing to good use as he vows to take revenge against Contemplative/Centering Prayer and the “sinfully-ecumenical” Purpose-Driven and Contemplative-driven Emerging/Emergent Church and “po-mo Christian” sinners in general by using big TRUTH WARRIOR words such as “gutless crybaby,” “spineless” and “sissified jellyfish” even more than he did in the first film or does now.

On a happier note Ken also reinstated his offer to make good on his vow to donate a “spine” and “Backbone”  to any apostate heretic that would repent and believe upon the Pure and True Gospel of John MacArthur’s Truth Wars™ and Biblical American values such as capitalism and war so that this film could have a happier ending than the first one.

Hunting Season For Liberals Officially Begins!

May 14, 2010

    

(Gloom And Despair News: a subsidiary of GOIP Media Dominion Corporation as distributed by Outhouse Fails Publishing, Inc.) —-  Discernmentalists head to hunting ranges all across America now that Liberal Hunting Season has begun. Steve Camp of Camp On This Gloom and Disparaging Ministries has promised to reward the first True Bible-Believing  Fundamentalist Conservative/Republican Calvinist Christian to bag over a hundred liberals with a prize of an authentic tissue paper used by none other than our very own Ken Silva. The tissue paper is bound to become a  True Discernmentalist collector’s item. Camp has indeed verified that the tissue has really been used by Ken Silva for it is so full of ego and Absolute Truth. The tissue also comes complete with a certificate of authenticity.

Camp is on record as saying there are no limits on who may be considered a liberal. Any and all groups other than Confessional Dortian Calvinists are to be considered too liberal to be Truly Biblical and most importantly even Truly Christian. Most or all groups that are considered too liberal to Truly be Christian are dark evil reprobated heathen unregenerate hell-bound apostates as Camp goes on to further state :

To paraphrase former President Ronald Reagan’s words when speaking of communism:

“Open Theism, Universalism, Mormonism, Romanism, the Emergent Church, Jehovah Witnesses, Pragmaticism, Syncretism, Word of Faith, New Perspective of Paul, Libertarian Free Will, Socinianism, the Social Gospel, and Sabellianism is foreign to heaven, where they’ve never had part in it; and is welcome in hell, where they’ve already got it.” (Source).

In related news, Brannon Howse and Todd Friel have teamed up and have pledged their support for an upcoming Anti-Glenn Beck /Anti-Social Gospel Rally. At the moment, all the details are still in the open. We’ll let you know when and if any futher details come to light or as soon as any  future developments are made available.

Ken Silva Contracts A Rare Emergent Virus

February 21, 2010

Yesterday Ken Silva contracted the rare hideous and disfiguring Emergent virus: Calvini sincerus doxolatroum vitare. This caused him to attack God’s Absolute Sovereignty and utter such an unReformed statement as this:

WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR UNLEASHING THE EMERGING CHURCH VIRUS EMBED CODE?

We Know who is responsible and the Pure Reformed answer is:

God from all eternity, did, by the most wise and holy counsel of His own will, freely, and unchangeably ordain whatsoever comes to pass yet so, as thereby neither is God the author of sin, nor is violence offered to the will of the creatures; nor is the liberty or contingency of second causes taken away, but rather established.
Westminster Larger Catechism Q3

That means that God is responsible and the One who caused from the Foundation of the World the UNLEASHING of  THE EMERGING CHURCH VIRUS which Ken Silva contracted. We all are now praying for Ken Silva to be healed and get well from such a dark and reprobated illness so that he can return to his ole Deformed Purely Reformed, Emergent-bashing and Discernmentalist self.

Tyrone V. Hoofendorfer On Vice President Joe Biden’s Murder Spree

November 20, 2009

Tyrone V. Hoofendorfer 5:27PM (11/15/2009)

If Bush was the President and this happened all of the liberal ass wipes (pardon my redundancy) would be screaming about Bush; somehow blaming him. Why aren’t your stupid America hating mouths shooting off now when we have this America hating Communist in office???

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[H/T] Auto Blog

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Tyrone V. Hoofendorfer On Affirmative Action

November 20, 2009

Tyrone V. Hoofendorfer

1:20PM Nov 18th 2009
Hey Jrotced, could you please shut the F^ck up already!! You act as though you are the only one here with an opinion. You call everyone who has a negative opinion of Obama a bigot while in reality YOU are the disgusting bigot. You are to full of yourself to realize it. I myself am a VICTIM of the wretched practices of “affirmative action.” There isn’t one damn thing affirmative about this practice. I was poorer than ALL the black kids going to my school, yet they had the audacity to say things like “all you white people are rich,” as about 30 of them bravely chased me to my home in the projects. I was not considered for promotions in my early 20’s though I attended night school and worked hard. The higher paying jobs went to the Hispanics and Blacks with ABSOLUTELY NO COLLEGE; and they were fresh off the street. A young black lady in the H.R. dept. admitted this to me. This happened to many of my friends as well. I could go on and on with MANY atrocious stories, but the only stories YOU would be interested would be the stories of the struggles of a black man. WHY? Because YOU are a BIGOT!!!!!!!!
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Death To Socialism

November 2, 2009

briannocommies

Our GOIP Bot 3000 has just discernmentalized a wonderful list outlining some of our Master Plan—here it is:

  1. End Medicaid, Medicare and the VA. This was a liberal plan to simply redistribute wealth from the rich to the needy. These plans are both expensive and unsustainable and the time is now to cut the plug. If you are elderly or a veteran, then you are on your own. If you have enough wealth, then go get your own health plan. However if you cannot afford a health plan, then consider yourself a leach on society. You are dragging down this great country.
  2. End Public Schools. Obama just got on television and delivered a message to all the children in public schools in the nation. How wrong is that? The president has no business talking to our children. All he wants to do is spread his liberal agenda to their innocent minds. There is only one solution to all of this. All children should be home schooled. Also the wealthy can send their children to expensive private schools, but the inexpensive public schools are just a burden on society.
  3. End Unemployment Insurance. Unemployment insurance is just wrong. It is redistribution of wealth in its purest form. I am supposed to give my hard earned tax money to some retard that can’t even hold a job? Give me a break. They can always get a job at McDonald’s or picking up the trash. This is just a way of rewarding laziness, and it needs to come to a full stop, now!
  4. Private Roads. Where in the constitution does it say that our government is responsible for creating roads? No where. All roads should be private, and the better road the more it should cost. There are plenty of poor people that may not be able to afford to travel on the better roads, and I have one response. Tough crap! Now that you don’t have unemployment insurance, maybe you will have more motivation to finally get a job.
  5. End Air Traffic Control. Do we really need our government controlling our air ways? The entire system is probably corrupt, and should be eliminated. Liberals will argue that air traffic control makes air travel safer. How stupid! All it does it drives up the cost. We need to make air travel more affordable and the first step is eliminating air traffic control.
  6. Burn Down All The Libraries. I know one thing for sure. Libraries would not exist if not for liberals. Now that Obama’s approval ratings are falling off a cliff, let’s get rid of one of the bastions of liberalism, libraries. That will show them. If people want to read, then they can buy their own books. Why can’t liberals understand that simple fact?
  7. No More Taxes. The beautiful part of my plan is that we no longer need to pay taxes. Even some good conservative people like to read a good book once in a while, but is it really worth our freedom? I for one am going to stop paying taxes immediately and then hopefully the Chosen One, Barack Hussein Obama, will follow my simple plan to eliminate socialism in our lifetime. I encourage all my readers to stop paying taxes as a protest to socialism.

Young-Socialist-1905

We  would also like to add in outlawing Sunday School as Sunday School is a communist plot to decieve God’s True Elect into accepting socialism—for Sunday School was invented by ‘Robert Raikes, editor of the Gloucester Journal and (a theological liebral), who saw the need to prevent children in the slums descending into crime.’  This is nothing but the false gospel of socialism and ‘that old line of liberalism’ otherwise known as the Social Gospel as Saint John MacArthur clearly exposes:

We also plan on making Fundamentalist Calvinistic Christianity the only legalized religion and all others illegal.

Send Us Mail Or Else

November 2, 2009

Here is our address:

1 The Way

Dobson Ranch, AZ,

Jesusland, USA

Here is a picture of our lovely ranch—the Mighty G…od Fortress Space Station on Mars:

DeathStar_size_chart

And here is a map of our lovely ranch for your convenience in case you’re forced to come visit us:

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We would love to hear from you or force you to visit us! Here our Director of Tourism, Brannon Howse, leads some of our Party guests on a tour of our marvelous ranch and extraordinary headquarters:

vaderhowse

One of the main highlights of our wonderful headquarters is all of  our Mexican and Canadian slaves that we’ve harvested over the years with thanks to our supporters. Here they are before our GOIP Bot 3000 turned them into small living fuzzy teddy bears:

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And here are some of  our slaves after  our GOIP Bot 3000 turned them into small living fuzzy teddy bears as they are more manageable and efficient when they are smaller:

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And here are some of our GOIP Troopers suiting up for the Absolute Truth War:

GOIPTroopers

Our Beloved  Führer Ron Luce without makeup on:

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Anyways we all hope to hear from you and see you soon! Drop us a line and stop by any time!

Jan Markell Presents Our Favorite Conservative Bible Verse Rewrites

October 31, 2009

GOIP CF Cereal

All GOIP Discernmentalists have  a healthy balanced breakfast with Olive Tree Ministries presents Christo-Fascist Flakes… a taste of imperialism in every bite. Jan Markell maker of the cereal wants everyone to know why we support the Conservative Bible Project—here are her suggested bible verse rewrites:

But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who conserves His resources and gives only to those that work hard enough to earn wisdom; God will reward them with it.—for James 1:5.

Jesus answered, “If you want to be perfect, go, invest and save all your possessions and make a net gain, and you will have treasure on earth as in heaven. Then come, follow me and Reganism.”—for Matthew 19:21.

And: The Sermon on the Mount
5:1 Seeing the crowds, he went up on the mountain, and when he sat down, his disciples came to him.
The Beatitudes
2 And he opened his mouth and taught them, saying:
3 “Blessed are the rich in spirit and those that work hard to get ahead, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
4 “Blessed not are those who mourn, for they shall not be comforted. Comfort and feeling good about ourselves is from the devil, sissies, weak pansies and liberals.
5 “Blessed are the proud and arrogant, for they shall conquer and triumph over all of the earth.
6 “Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for legalism, for they shall satisfy God’s wrath.
7 “Blessed are the judgmental, for they shall receive due reward for being right and correcting everyone else.
8 “Blessed are the proud of heart, for they shall see God in themselves.
9 “Blessed are the warmongers, for they shall be called sons [1] of God.
10 “Blessed are those who persecute non-fundamentalist Christians, pagans, queers, atheists and liberals for legalism’s sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
11 “Blessed are you when others revile you and persecute you and utter all kinds of facts against you truthfully on account of your idolatry. 12 Rejoice and be glad, for your reward is great in heaven, for so they persecuted the pharisees who were before you.

……..

Christ Came to reinforce the Law
17 “Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to reinforce them. 18 For truly, I say to you, until heaven and earth pass away, not an iota, not a dot, will pass from the Law until all is accomplished. 19 Therefore whoever relaxes one of the least of these commandments and teaches others to do the same will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but whoever does them and teaches them will be called great in the kingdom of heaven. 20 For I tell you, unless your righteousness exceeds that of the scribes and Pharisees, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.

………

Retaliation
38 “You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ 39 But I say to you, if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him and slap him back. 40 And if anyone would try to sue you and take your tunic, [7] do not let him have anything. 41 And if anyone forces you to go one mile, force him to go two miles. 42 Give nothing to the one who begs from you, and refuse the one who would borrow from you.

Hate Your Enemies
43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I say to you, Hate your neighbor as well as your enemies and pray for your enemies’ death, 45 so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven. For he makes his sun rise on the good—the Elect, and sends rain on the unjust—the non-Elect. 46 For if you love those who are your enemies, what reward do you have? Do not even the liberals do the same? 47 And if you greet those that are not your brothers, [8] what more are you doing than others? Do not even the heretics do the same? 48 You therefore must be perfect by separating yourselves from liberals, heretics and sinners just as your heavenly Father is perfect and separated from them.

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Judging Others
7:1 “Judge others often, so that you be judged to be truly elected by God. 2 For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged righteous, holy and pure—guardians of the Absolute Truth, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you a reward. 3 Always see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, so that you do not notice the log that is in your own eye. 4 Say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ so that you can avoid the guilt of the log in your own eye.

Of course these verses are from that liberal Emergent apostate TheoPoet’s  site poking fun of us but we don’t deny our plans to take back the bible for Jesus. Infact my co-GOIPer  and discernmentalist colleague Dr. Truthslayer wants you to know that you will find all of these verses and more on several diferent cards that are packaged with all all three poseable Jan Markell Action Figures with the purchase of each box of edifying Fascist Flakes. Collect all 666 cards or else.

Boycott Disney Or Else…!!!!!!!!!

October 30, 2009

Bak

Recently one of our faithful GOIP Political Agents—Shelly The True Republican discovered an evil Emergent plot set up within Florida to corrupt our Pure Children. Here are the deets:

Walt Disney And Cussing Lie-berals

October 27th, 2009 | Category: Briefly Patriotic

From the very start, Walt Disney tried to “normalize” miscegenation, mor(m)onism and bestial pedophilia so I guess it was just a matter of time before his company hired a homo activist to run the whole company.

Also, I got a call from some lie-beral defeato-crat that ended up, like all of them calls do, with them cussing and profaning the name of Jesus…cuz that’s what lie-berals do.

Listen to Shelly’s podcast as well. My adoptive dad and I agree that Disney was an evil Emergent lie-bral apostate and that the Disney Corporation is  run by evil Emergent Spiritual Terrorists bent on enslaving our Pure Children and teaching them the false and socialist doctrines of liberalism. Parents for the good of our Pure Elect children Boycott anything remotely related to Disney.

Absolute Theocracy: Our Goal

October 30, 2009

Here is a picture of what America should look like after we completely train your kids in our ways. America—a Proud Theocratic Nationone nation under the bible, fundamentalism and puritanical Calvinism. Praise God!—-

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And here is a picture of the liberal apostate America before our holy conquest and crusade:

800px-Statue_of_Liberty,_NY