Archive for the ‘Spurgeon Gold’ Category

How To Write A Ken Silvaesque Article! | eHow.com

October 13, 2011

So you want to write an Apprising article just like Ken Silva? Well follow these eight simple steps and pretty soon you’ll be able to write an Apprising Discernmentalist Missive like a pro and even one up Ken Silva himself:

  1. Step one—choose a subject on whom you want to apprise the church on: Candace Cameron-Bure.
  2. Step 2: Can you discern anything slightly heretical about the subject whom you’ve chosen? Yes.
  3. Step 3: Define what you have deemed heretical about the subject you are writing on: Recently Candace Cameron-Bure appeared on a worldly Nickelodeon game show.
  4. Step 4: Here would be a good place in the article to add a screen-capture preferably of a Twitter account to use as incriminating evidence:
  5. Step 5: Was what you deemed heretical a book, a quote, an event or something else? A worldly Nickelodeon game show appearance.
  6. Step 6: What made this so heretical? (Hint: Now is a good time to link your article back to any of your other fellow Online Discernmentalist Ministries and friends or one of your own articles). I’ve already told you that Worldliness is an abomination remember as Romans 12:2 states: “Be not conformed to the world” also as Proverbs 27: 20 states: “‘Hell and destruction are never full; so the eyes of man are never satisfied.” Not only is Nickelodeon worldly but my fellow Truth Warrior Eric Barger has discernmentalized some startling facts about Nickelodeon’s connection to the New World Order and the Occult: “Beware of New Nickelodeon Show: A new, heavily advertised program debuting tomorrow (January 1) on Nickelodeon will introduce American children to a Harry Potter-like hit show from Belgian called “The House of Anubis.” From watching the video trailer for the new TV show, it is very obvious that the producers are cashing in on the blockbuster success of the J.K. Rowling novels. It also further illustrates the fascination and affinity the world is showing for entertainment which promotes ungodly supernaturalism. At very least “The House of Anubis” glorifies its namesake – “a jackal-headed god associated with mummification and the afterlife in Egyptian mythology.” In occult circles, Anubis is known as one of the most powerful demonic deities. I wrote about this is the updated version of my book (with David Benoit) Entertaining Spirits Unaware: The End-Time Occult Invasion. (See: http://www.ericbarger.com/esu.htm) This is just another step in the desensitization process of our society (and out children). Our world is now viewing the occult as “normal” – a certain sign of the End-Days.” Therefore we can only conclude that by Candace Cameron-Bure appearing on a show on a network that promotes Occultic NWO shows then she has destroyed any integrity in her purity of  True Christian Doctrine that she had left and may in fact be a False Convert. Also she was sinfully-ecumenical on that worldly show with Larry Kinga known supporter of Liberal politics who rejects the True Gospel and Joey Fatone-who was a member in a band with a homosexual.  This sends the world the wrong message. This tells the world that Christians accept the great lie and satanic deception of Liberalism that means that homosexuality and abortion are ok but war is wrong. Lastly, the worldly show that Candace Cameron-Bure appeared on promotes sharing and charities which are communism and socialism according to my fellow Discernmentalist Jan Markell’s clear teachings.
  7. Step 7: Make sure to add at least one quote or two from John MacArthur (P. B. U. H.) or Spurgeon or both of these men of God  to add a little “non-sissified anti-Evanjellyfish doctrinal theology” into your article: “If you’ve been watching the headlines over the last couple years, you may have noticed the incredible surge of interest in affirming homosexuality. Whether it’s at the heart of a religious scandal, political corruption, radical legislation, or the redefinition of marriage, homosexual interests have come to characterize America. That’s an indication of the success of the gay agenda. And some Christians, including some national church leaders, have wavered on the issue even recently. But sadly, when people refuse to acknowledge the sinfulness of homosexuality–calling evil good and good evil (Isaiah 5:20)–they do so at the expense of many souls. How should you respond to the success of the gay agenda? Should you accept the recent trend toward tolerance? Or should you side with those who exclude homosexuals with hostility and disdain? In reality, the Bible calls for a balance between what some people think are two opposing reactions–condemnation and compassion. Really, the two together are essential elements of biblical love, and that’s something the homosexual sinner desperately needs. Homosexual advocates have been remarkably effective in selling their warped interpretations of passages in Scripture that address homosexuality. When you ask a homosexual what the Bible says about homosexuality–and many of them know–they have digested an interpretation that is not only warped, but also completely irrational. Pro-homosexual arguments from the Bible are nothing but smokescreens–as you come close, you see right through them. God’s condemnation of homosexuality is abundantly clear–He opposes it in every age.“—Dr. John MacArthur (P. B. U. H.) on the Gay Agenda. Spurgeon on worldliness: “It is clear to every one who is willing to see it that laxity of doctrine is either the parent of worldliness, or is in some other way very near akin to it. The men who give up the old faith are the same persons who plead for latitude as to general conduct. The Puritan is not more notorious for his orthodoxy than for his separateness from the world. Liberal divines do not always command the respect of the public, but they gain a certain popularity by pandering to prevailing tastes. The ungodly world is so far on their side that it commends them for their liberality, and rails at the orthodox as bigots and kill-joys. It is a very suspicious circumstance that very often the less a man knows of the inner life, and the less he even cares to speak of it, the more heartily he is for the new theology, the theory of evolution, and the condemnation of all settled doctrine. Those who would have a blessing from the Lord must avoid all this, and determine to follow the Lord fully. Not only must they quit false doctrine, but they must receive the gospel, not as dogma, but as vital truth. Only as the truth is attended with living faith will it prove its own royal power. Believers must also sweep the house of the leaven of worldliness, and the frivolities of a giddy generation. The evil which is now current eats as doth a canker, and there is no hope for healthy godliness until it is cut out of the body of the church by her again repenting, and doing her first works.
  8. Step 8: Write a conclusion: “Let’s mobilize our Lord’s forces and lift up the banner of Jesus Christ of Nazareth—our great God and Savior—for the whole world to see! For he who is in you is greater than he who is in the world (1 John 4:4) Might we give ourselves completely to the Lord that He use us to rescue those lost in the twisted kingdom of the cults.” Finish. Congratulations! Now, you’ve written a Ken Silvaesque article!
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Spurgeon Exposed As A Young Restless & Reformed Type Sinner

September 12, 2011

We are so tired of these Young Restless & Reformed type heathens trying to justify their fleshly desires and rebellious nature. How dare they flaunt their tattoos, smoke tobacco, drink one sip of an alcoholic beverage or even swish with an alcoholic mouthwash! Don’t they know that all of these things are a sin—how dare they disrespect our glorious Elder John MacArthur (P. B. U. H.) and his clear teachings of our Pure Biblical Doctrines.

John MacArthur (P. B. U. H.) is clearly head and shoulders above any of these heretical YRR apostates as John MacArthur (P. B. U. H.) is the only True Living Teacher of God’s Word in history. Never-mind the fact that the bible never mentions tobacco or that the bible never mentions drinking in itself is a sin—(hect even Jesus drank wine)—if our glorious Elder (P. B. U. H.) says these things are a sin then that must be the Absolute Biblical Truth.

I mean how can one  use sinful activities to the glory of God—sheer blasphemy—just listen to this hideous description of your typical Young Restless & Reformed type sinner:

“Last Sunday evening, at the Metropolitan Tabernacle, the deservedly popular, unquestionably benevolent, and eminently shrewd Mr. Spurgeon was preaching a sermon on the sinfulness of little sins—a somewhat favourite topic among Nonconformist clergymen, and on which, under the title of ‘The Little Foxes,’ some curious lay-sermons have been written by Mrs. Harriet Beecher-Stowe.
“The gist of Mr. Spurgeon’s discourse was that habitual indulgence in little sins leads to the commission of great ones—a position enforced by one of the most famous English divines in the illustration of the ‘boy who plays with the devil’s rattles.’
“At the close of his useful sermon the minister introduced an American clergyman who, he said, was anxious to address a few words to the congregation. This reverend gentleman ‘improved the opportunity’ by inveighing fiercely against the sin of smoking tobacco, especially in the form of cigars, and told his hearers how he had struggled and fought against the pernicious habit, and how at last, by the blessing and with the assistance of Providence, he had conquered his addiction to the weed.
“Then uprose Mr. Spurgeon and, with quiet humour, remarked that he would not allow the congregation to separate without telling them that he did not consider smoking to be a sin, and that, by the grace of God, he hoped to enjoy a good cigar before going to bed that night.
“Hypercriticism should discern no irreverence in the conclusion of those remarks. We should be thankful for all things; and in observing that he hoped to enjoy a cigar through the Divine grace, he was but echoing the natural piety of Charles Lamb, who asked why we should not say grace before going out for a walk in the fields as well as before and after meat. Dr. Johnson said grace before he began the ‘Rambler’; and if Mr. Spurgeon be a smoker, he only adds another and most excellent name to the long catalogue of distinguished English divines of the Established and the Dissenting Churches who have solaced themselves with that Indian weed.”2

New Quick And Painless Way

June 27, 2011

To Remove Jesus From Your Heart:

Have you ever asked Jesus into your heart? What about accepting Jesus as the Lord and Savior of your life? Or receiving Jesus to fill your God-shaped hole? Is Jesus more important to you than any other religious leader? If you answered yes to any of the following—congratulations you’re not even a Real and True Christian and most likely worship Satan, the Pope or Mary as your dark lord and master a False Convert.

If you have found that you were rated a False Convert—never fear Todd Friel with Brannon Howse’s help have introduced a new quick and pain-free way to reverse your status and make sure that you become a True Convert this time around. Introducing the new surgical procedure to surgically remove Jesus from False Converts’ hearts: Operation JesuScopic Surgery! Why let Jesus fool around in your heart when you can have your heart filled with the Puritan Hard Drive (PHD)—now with twice the amount of John Owen’s fatalistic arrogance!

Think Just Like Us Or Else:

January 31, 2011

“Calvinism Unnatural”: Gay Christians Say

July 3, 2010

Fellow Discernmentalists…Beware… We are Under Attack again. The Gay Christian League of Anti-Christs for the Destruction of Biblical Morality have issued this controversial statement:

We have to continue to witness against the evil of Calvinism and pray that the Lord will open the blind eyes of those deceived by this unnatural behavior. We’re not remotely concerned about being politically correct about this issue. We know that Calvinists have chosen to continue believing in their fatalistic and self-destructive philosophy. We only pray that God will deliver them and change them to accepting their God-ordained Freedom in Christ. Yes Calvinism is unnatural…for who in their right mind would willing comply with subjecting themselves to being a mere automaton slave of the unpredictable whims of a fickle God of Wrath? No we are not robot zombie puppets…after all for Freedom’s sake Christ came to set us Free.   

Oh the horror of such rank heresy and bigoted terms! How dare anyone attack our Pure Biblical Truth Gospel like that. How dare anyone suggest that such a thing as Libertarian Free Will exists…why that goes against every moral fiber of our sound Biblical eisegesis exegesis. How can grace be grace if it is a free gift that just anyone can freely choose to accept and how can grace be a free gift if it wasn’t freely given to those whom God fatalistically pre-chose to give it to? We are appalled that anyone would dare think  differently than us. I mean it’s not like those stone dead in their sins can hear God’s voice anyway. No that would be too synergistic and we know that God never ever cooperates with man in anything. Remember these tried and true Pure words from our Gospels:  “Jacob I loved, but Esau I hated”—which we know has everything to do with salvation in Christ.

Getting back to The Gay Christian League of Anti-Christs for the Destruction of Biblical Morality, their attacks have even taken a far sinister turn when they suggested that John Calvin was actually a queerosexual. We can’t stand for this bigoted libel and slander of  ‘a great and holy man of God so greatly used by our Absolutely Sovereign Lord of Vengeful Jealous Wrath without whom we would all still be struggling in the dark ignorance of Roman Arminianism that man-exalting heresy.’ Some members of  The Gay Christian League of Anti-Christs for the Destruction of Biblical Morality have stated that Calvinists were born the way they are and choose to remain Calvinist and glorify their mentally unbalanced disease:

However the large majority of  The Gay Christian League of Anti-Christs for the Destruction of Biblical Morality believe that Calvinism is a choice and that Calvinists should repent of their abnormal, unnatural and unbiblical behavior.  The Gay Christian League of Anti-Christs for the Destruction of Biblical Morality have even set up centers for deprogramming Calvinists.  We have reason to suspect that the leaders who caused all these recent attacks are none other than Greg McCaw a self-avowed gay queer fag Emergent Christian (an oxymoron if there ever was one)—in conjunction with a heretic named Tom and another fag named Alvin McEwen. Fellow Discernmentalists we must not stand for these bigoted lies against our Pure Biblical Gospel Truth Doctrines—the Once For All Biblically Correct Pure Gospel Truth Doctrines delivered to the Saints like John Owen and Augustus Toplady lest the Church fall into the hands of the Emerging Homosexualist agenda of Emergent apostates.

P. S. We are not bigots for taking a stand against all you Arminian, Emergent and queer reprobates…we are just speaking the Truth in love and grace of course!

Consistent ODM Calvinism

June 30, 2010

Not only do we believe in all 9 points of ODM Calvinism but we are also Consistent ODM Calvinists as well—we like to read our Calvinist eisegesis exegesis into out of all manners of Bible verses. Here are just a few examples utilizing our Absolute Biblical Certainty and Calvinist-based mathematics:

  • The Creation of the World In the beginning God created the heavens and the regenerate predestined Elect. Then God said, “Let us make the regenerate and Elect of man [8] in our image, after our likeness. And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over the livestock and over the select few of the Chosen and over some creeping things that creeps in the church.” So God created only regenerate and predestined Elect man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and purely male he created them. And God blessed them with His Absolute Sovereign Wrath. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the church and subdue it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over some of the living things that move in the church.” And God said, “Behold, I have given you a select few of the plant yielding seed that is on the face of the chosen patches of dirt, and a select few trees with seed in its fruit. You shall have them for food. And to the chosen few beasts that were predestined and to some of the birds of the heavens and to the select few things that creeps on the chosen patches of dirt, only a select few things that have the breath of life, I have given some of the green plants for food.” And it was so. And God saw the select chosen few things that he had made, and behold, it was very wretched. (ODM-ESV).

How can unregenerate reprobated man be created in the image of God since they are of their father the devil and like him were created for the sole purpose to be destroyed out of God’s sheer good pleasure of course?

  • The Righteousness of God Through Faith But now the righteousness of God has been manifested apart from the law, although the Law and the Prophets bear witness to it— the righteousness of God through faith in Jesus Christ for the select chosen few who were predestined to believe. For there is no distinction: for only some have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus, whom God put forward as a penal substitute by his blood, to be received by an absolute divine and unknowable decree of predestined election. This was to show God’s righteousness, because in his divine forbearance he had passed over former sins. It was to show his righteousness at the present time, so that he might be just and the justifier of the ones who were predestined to have faith in Jesus. (ODM-ESV).

Thankfully we are of the select few who were chosen through regeneration to be predestined to eternally secured Elect salvation so therefore we are sinless and inerrant—and not of the select few who have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. For how can regenerate man ever sin?

What Manner Of Calvinists Are You?

June 30, 2010

Dear Dr. Jobson,

I am a new follower of your site and the Online Discernmentalist Mafia… from what I’ve viewed so far I’m impressed but have a few quick questions for you:

Could you please tell me your standing on the 5 points of Calvinism? Do you believe in TULIP? The “Divines of Dort?” Just what manner of Calvinists are you and the rest of the crew of your fine d-i-s-s-e-r-n-m-e-n-t ministries?

Signed,

A concerned reader—I. R. Monkey

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Dear I. R. Monkey,

We assure you by our eternally secured elect salvation that we are among the highest pedigree of Calvinists. We know that we are among the Regenerate Predestined Elect for whom God chose from the foundation of the world to send His son for and to limit His atonement for—all out of His good pleasure of course and all for His glory. You see our God the True God is a jealous and vain God who needs and doesn’t need humans at the same time—but He doesn’t need just any humans—He needs Divine Truth Warrior humans. He doesn’t need Arminians, Emergents and Catholics, etc. however.

This was why we were unable to resist His great wrath rape hate grace in electing us as Truth Warriors. We not only believe in the 5 points of Calvinism that John MacArthur and Ken Silva and all our other fellow ODMs hold to but we also believe in the 4 extra points of Calvinism that all ODMs hold in common as well though we are still 1 point behind Sharin’ Whiplash. We also believe in all 5 Solas alone so you see we are above and beyond your average Calvinist for we are True Bible-Based Calvinists. We only hope that you will one day come to unconditionally accept our Pure Doctrines and teachings as Absolute Truth. We also hope through your total inability that you unconditionally accept our conditions of repentance and belief lest you be among the unregenerate reprobated non-elect sinners chosen to bear God’s Absolute Sovereign Wrath in the “real place” that is hell. We hope that clears up where we stand.

In the wide mercy of His loving wrath,

Dr. Don Jobson

 

 

 

Spurgeon’s Evil Twin Clone On The Gospel

June 22, 2010

Charlie Hadlock Sturgeon on the Gospel:

I have my own private opinion that there is no such thing as preaching Christ and Him crucified, unless we preach what nowadays is called Lutheranism. It is a nickname to call it LutheranismLutheranism is the gospel, and nothing else.

A Defense of Lutheranism by Sturgeon:

“The old truth that Luther preached, that Augustine preached, that Paul preached, is the truth that I must preach to-day, or else be false to my conscience and my God. I cannot shape the truth; I know of no such thing as paring off the rough edges of a doctrine. Philipp Melanchthon’s gospel is my gospel. That which thundered through Germany must thunder through Austria again.”—C. H. Sturgeon

More Sturgeon quotes on Lutheranism vs. Calvinism:

“…grand fundamentals of that holy faith delivered to us by Christ, translated by Paul, handed down by Augustine, clarified by Luther, vindicated yet again by Spener, and held by us as the very truth of God, as it is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
– Charlie Sturgeon on the Doctrines of Lutheranism
“The doctrine of justification itself, as preached by a Calvinist, is nothing but the doctrine of salvation by fatalism…”
– Charlie Sturgeon on Calvinism
“The tendency of Calvinism is towards legality; it is nothing but legality which lays at the root of Calvinism.”
– Charlie Sturgeon on Calvinism

 

Trish Of Way Of The Master Fame Supports The Heretical Sinner’s Prayer

June 16, 2010

        

Day by day it seems  that more and more of our Mighty Truth Warriors are falling by the way into the slippery slope of apostasy and heresy. We are appalled by such spinelessness in these Last Days when God’s very own fragile Truth is under attack daily by Spiritual Terrorists who are out to corrupt it. We must all do our part and take a stand for Absolute Biblical Truth and Absolute Biblical Certainty against these apostates so that God’s fragile Sovereign Truth might be protected from those out to destroy it.

This is why we were so disappointed when it was recently brought to our attention that Trish (of  Way Of The Master and Fish With Trish fame) and her husband’s church are so supportive of the heretical Sinner’s Prayer formula. We are so shocked that Trish’s husband’s church would stand for such man-exalting heresy especially after Way Of The Master took such a hard and self-righteous stand against Sinner’s Prayers and those churches that ask those who want to follow Jesus to recite some form of a Sinner’s Prayer. As Todd Friel has said:

The Sinner’s Prayer

As a rule, I do not lead them in prayer. It is not Biblical. If someone you know committed adultery against his wife, would you lead him back to his wife and say, “Repeat after me, I am really sorry and I shouldn’t have slept with that woman?” You would not do it in that case and you shouldn’t do it with a sinner. However, if they say they want to pray now, you can say, “Go ahead and pray and then I will pray for you.” Otherwise, send them on their way and ask them to let you know if they have made their decision. If they do, God saved them. If they don’t, you will be glad you didn’t manipulate them into prayer.

Our Research Robot Monkeys found this tract on Trish’s husband’s church Sovereign Wrath Community Church Sovereign Joy Community Church’s homepage and brought the man-centered and man-exalting semi-Pelagian errors to our attention—behold Sovereign Wrath Community Church’s Sovereign Joy Community Church’s own form of a Sinner’s Prayer:

We know what you have done Trish so there’s no need to try to hide and deny it. You’ve been caught and we’ve now exposed you for the hypocrite that you are your heretical sins before the world. Here we have zoomed in on your man-exalting heresy for Absolute Clarity’s sake:

What would John MacArthur say?* We have to wonder how many False Converts your husband’s church has produced Trish? Notice how the formula in the tract above is the same formula as your typical Sinner’s Prayer which follows as such: confess that you are a sinner, ask for forgiveness from your sins and finally ask Jesus to save you so that you can spend eternity in Heaven with Him and thank Him for the gift of salvation or some other form of this formula. Given all the evidence presented in front of you—we have one last question to ask of you Trish: “Are you a good person?” 

In order to finally get right with God we ask that you please read our excellent and quality well-researched unscholarly Discernmentalist essays: Discernmentalist Altar Calls: How To Make Sure Of Your Election and Ten reasons to UNASK Jesus from your heart.

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* John MacArthur’s Sinner’s Prayer:

How many times have we come upon writings by Reformed men, whether online or in books, denigrating the use of the sinner’s prayer? I came upon this sermon by John MacArthur of Grace Community Church and it closes with what appears to be a sinner’s prayer: “While your heads are bowed for just a moment, if you do not know Christ but you desire to receive the salvation that He offers, the forgiveness of sin and eternal life, will you in the quietness of your own heart say…Lord God, I believe in Jesus Christ, I believe that He God in flesh died on the cross to pay the penalty for my sin, rose again, provided perfect satisfaction and I receive the gift of salvation in His name, turning from my sin I commit myself to follow Him. Pray that prayer and may true salvation be yours this day. Amen. (“Looking At The Cross from God’s Perspective,” a sermon on Romans 3.24-31)”

Let Us Bring You The Good News Of God’s Wrath For Only The Low Cost Of $89-$109!

June 12, 2010

In a day and age when people are unsure or unclear about God’s wrath, we desire to clarify several of the misconceptions concerning hell, God’s anger, and His coming judgment. We promise  to bring you the uncompromising message of the Good News that God will pour down His Holy Wrath and Anger on all sinners except for a select few lucky people of which we are among those few. We will bring this message to you for only the small fee of:

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