Archive for the ‘Spineless’ Category

John Calvin “Frisked” At Liberty and Grace Reformed Church

September 21, 2011

Pastor Steven Dilday in echo of George W. Bush’s “Patriot Act” opts to create the first ever “Clergy Act” in an attempt to root out all those spiritual terrorists who dare to partake in the sins of the Whore of Babylon—the Scarlet Mother of all Harlots: the Roman Catholic Cult by wearing robes and stoles to preach. Quote Steven Dilday: “this is the most pressing and urgent of issues of our time—we should hold the theology of those who wear vestments in the pulpit suspect.” One of the first victims of Pastor Dilday’s Clergy Act was a John Calvin impersonator who was held suspect for looking too sinisterly like a Jesuit gestapo in his black robes:

We most mightily thank Pastor Dilday for bringing this clear and most important teaching on one  of  “the most pressing and urgent of issues of our time.” Why if a John Calvin impersonator can be held theologically suspect then we must also hold the real Calvin theologically suspect! On a related note—Pastor Dilday elsewhere declared that Calvinists should abandon Calvin for not being Truly Refomed and Calvinistic enough. We agree as Calvin was a little too Semi-Pelagian for our tastes and did not hold to the Truth of the Ways of our Master.

Remember this is a Truth War after-all so we must hold everyone accountable to ourStandard of ourTruth of ourPure Doctrines. Thankfully you have this humble Truly Reformed Bible-Believing Truth War Discernment Ministry to Take A Stand in ourDoctrines on “this most pressing and urgent of issues of our time.” We here at this ministry are all about grace and nothing but Grace… in fact we are the most Grace-loving man-hating site on the net. We would never ever heap the burden of the Law upon you or preach anything like a Works-Salvation unlike those Grace-hating man-glorfiying Catholic-worshippers. We just expect you to keep ourRules lest we deem you unworthy of God’s Grace and therefore unfit for the Kingdom.

So Liberty and Grace To You, God’s Only Elect in the Great Grace of the wide and loving mercy of our Angry God’s Sovereign Hate and Wrath.

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Update # 1: Martin Luther wore vestments clearly he must have hated liberty and grace for partaking in the sin of the Papists.

Update # 2: We caught one of our own Ken Silva wearing a bathrobe… he must be on the Road to Rome. Now we must put his site under surveillance.

Update # 3: Johnathan Edwards wore a clerical collar… a clear perversion of the Doctrines of Grace.

Update # 4: We wiretapped Ken Silva’s phone and overheard Ken talking with Chris Rosebrough (an avowed Lutheran) and Ingrid of SOL/Crosstalk (a possible Lutheran). Now we must really put his site under surveillance as now we really have reason to suspect that he is Emerging into Rome.

Update # 5: Oh horror of horrors… the Ways of the Master himself caught preaching sans coat and tie in a Rick Warrenesque shirt. He’s one step closer to Rick Warren’s heretical Purpose-Driven Agenda.

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Prideful Boasting

June 30, 2011

Our Research Robot Monkeys have caught Contemporary Christian Music Superstar Carman pridefully boasting of his good works and religious accomplishments to promote himself and his music:

We however never ever use any kind of self-righteous prideful boasting in promoting ourselves and/or our quality Bible-based Discernmentalist products:

New Quick And Painless Way

June 27, 2011

To Remove Jesus From Your Heart:

Have you ever asked Jesus into your heart? What about accepting Jesus as the Lord and Savior of your life? Or receiving Jesus to fill your God-shaped hole? Is Jesus more important to you than any other religious leader? If you answered yes to any of the following—congratulations you’re not even a Real and True Christian and most likely worship Satan, the Pope or Mary as your dark lord and master a False Convert.

If you have found that you were rated a False Convert—never fear Todd Friel with Brannon Howse’s help have introduced a new quick and pain-free way to reverse your status and make sure that you become a True Convert this time around. Introducing the new surgical procedure to surgically remove Jesus from False Converts’ hearts: Operation JesuScopic Surgery! Why let Jesus fool around in your heart when you can have your heart filled with the Puritan Hard Drive (PHD)—now with twice the amount of John Owen’s fatalistic arrogance!

Stone Not Spank A Kid 4 Jesus!

July 7, 2010

God’s infallible and inerrant Word the Bible commands us to beat our children all for His Absolute Sovereign Glory so you better beat your children or else. Who cares about the laws of the government against child abuse—they’re all man-centered and man-exalting false and heretical socialist doctrines, anyway! God says to spank, torture and abuse kids to obey the Absolute Biblical Truth Ways of the Master. Time outs and non-harmful/non-abusive  forms of punishment are unbiblical so they’ll never work. Sharin’ Whiplash and Todd Friel teach these doctrines of spanking:

However we here at God’s Only Inerrant Party and of the Online Discernmentalist Mafia believe that spanking is a too spineless and liberal form of punishment. Spanking may be a Biblical Doctrine but it’s not a Pure Biblical Doctrine like the time-tested tried and true Biblical method of stoning like God tells us to do by an Absolute Decree in His Holy Inerrant and Infallible Word in Deuteronomy 21:18-21 (King James Version):

18 If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son, which will not obey the voice of his father, or the voice of his mother, and that, when they have chastened him, will not hearken unto them:

19 Then shall his father and his mother lay hold on him, and bring him out unto the elders of his city, and unto the gate of his place;

20 And they shall say unto the elders of his city, This our son is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton, and a drunkard.

21 And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die: so shalt thou put evil away from among you; and all Israel shall hear, and fear.

 As you can see Our Way of dealing with disobedient children has the Spine that Todd Friel and Sharin’ Whiplash’s way lacks as Our Way is more Pure and Absolute Truth Biblical being that Our Way is Truly God’s Way of dealing with disobedient children .

Play Your Part In Helping Us To Win John MacArthur’s Truth War

July 5, 2010

Help us win John MacArthur’s Truth War by obeying our rules or else the Emergent Postmodernist Spiritual Terrorists will win!

P. S. That means you too John Armstrong!

Trish Of Way Of The Master Fame Supports The Heretical Sinner’s Prayer

June 16, 2010

        

Day by day it seems  that more and more of our Mighty Truth Warriors are falling by the way into the slippery slope of apostasy and heresy. We are appalled by such spinelessness in these Last Days when God’s very own fragile Truth is under attack daily by Spiritual Terrorists who are out to corrupt it. We must all do our part and take a stand for Absolute Biblical Truth and Absolute Biblical Certainty against these apostates so that God’s fragile Sovereign Truth might be protected from those out to destroy it.

This is why we were so disappointed when it was recently brought to our attention that Trish (of  Way Of The Master and Fish With Trish fame) and her husband’s church are so supportive of the heretical Sinner’s Prayer formula. We are so shocked that Trish’s husband’s church would stand for such man-exalting heresy especially after Way Of The Master took such a hard and self-righteous stand against Sinner’s Prayers and those churches that ask those who want to follow Jesus to recite some form of a Sinner’s Prayer. As Todd Friel has said:

The Sinner’s Prayer

As a rule, I do not lead them in prayer. It is not Biblical. If someone you know committed adultery against his wife, would you lead him back to his wife and say, “Repeat after me, I am really sorry and I shouldn’t have slept with that woman?” You would not do it in that case and you shouldn’t do it with a sinner. However, if they say they want to pray now, you can say, “Go ahead and pray and then I will pray for you.” Otherwise, send them on their way and ask them to let you know if they have made their decision. If they do, God saved them. If they don’t, you will be glad you didn’t manipulate them into prayer.

Our Research Robot Monkeys found this tract on Trish’s husband’s church Sovereign Wrath Community Church Sovereign Joy Community Church’s homepage and brought the man-centered and man-exalting semi-Pelagian errors to our attention—behold Sovereign Wrath Community Church’s Sovereign Joy Community Church’s own form of a Sinner’s Prayer:

We know what you have done Trish so there’s no need to try to hide and deny it. You’ve been caught and we’ve now exposed you for the hypocrite that you are your heretical sins before the world. Here we have zoomed in on your man-exalting heresy for Absolute Clarity’s sake:

What would John MacArthur say?* We have to wonder how many False Converts your husband’s church has produced Trish? Notice how the formula in the tract above is the same formula as your typical Sinner’s Prayer which follows as such: confess that you are a sinner, ask for forgiveness from your sins and finally ask Jesus to save you so that you can spend eternity in Heaven with Him and thank Him for the gift of salvation or some other form of this formula. Given all the evidence presented in front of you—we have one last question to ask of you Trish: “Are you a good person?” 

In order to finally get right with God we ask that you please read our excellent and quality well-researched unscholarly Discernmentalist essays: Discernmentalist Altar Calls: How To Make Sure Of Your Election and Ten reasons to UNASK Jesus from your heart.

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* John MacArthur’s Sinner’s Prayer:

How many times have we come upon writings by Reformed men, whether online or in books, denigrating the use of the sinner’s prayer? I came upon this sermon by John MacArthur of Grace Community Church and it closes with what appears to be a sinner’s prayer: “While your heads are bowed for just a moment, if you do not know Christ but you desire to receive the salvation that He offers, the forgiveness of sin and eternal life, will you in the quietness of your own heart say…Lord God, I believe in Jesus Christ, I believe that He God in flesh died on the cross to pay the penalty for my sin, rose again, provided perfect satisfaction and I receive the gift of salvation in His name, turning from my sin I commit myself to follow Him. Pray that prayer and may true salvation be yours this day. Amen. (“Looking At The Cross from God’s Perspective,” a sermon on Romans 3.24-31)”

Fear AND Self-LOATHING on the INTERNET…

June 10, 2010

       

Our hero Ken Silva reprises his role in this sequel to the classic Fear And Loathing On The Internet. In this new film fresh off the conveyor belts of the GOIP DVD production lines—Ken begins lamenting the fact that there is  “a growing influence of Contemplative Spirituality/Mysticism (CSM) that has crept right into the timid heart of the squishy evanjellyfish church organism pretending to be a True Protestant community.”

Soon this lamenting turns into self-loathing followed by fear and then finally fear and self-loathing combined of which the title (Fear And Self-Loathing On The Internet) of the film is derived. Shortly in the film—in the midst of protesting against “the growing influence of Contemplative Spirituality/Mysticism (CSM)” in the church today— Ken experiences a computer crash but manages to send out this message through Discernmentalist Osmosis which is in the DNA of all True Discernmentalists:

Just a short note asking for prayer, particularly if you’ve been blessed by this online apologetics and discernment work, and making you aware that the hard drive in the main computer at here at Apprising Ministries has crashed. Fortunately back problems had forced me to do much of my work from a laptop so the loss of materials/information was lessened. Since our email program went through that now defunct main computer we no longer have access to it so we’ve begun a new email account: apprisingministries@gmail.com. We remain thankful you have been standing with Apprising Ministries through these 5+ years, and thank you for your prayer, as well as financial support as well. O, and the blessing; well, we’re still waiting to see what the Lord has in store through this little bit of a test as we try and rebuild our database.

Fearing for the worse Ken soon discovers that the evil Frank Viola and equally evil Leonard Sweet caused his hard drive to crash through their spiritually corrupt practice of Contemplative/Centering Prayer. Our film ends with Ken pledging to put his fear and self-loathing to good use as he vows to take revenge against Contemplative/Centering Prayer and the “sinfully-ecumenical” Purpose-Driven and Contemplative-driven Emerging/Emergent Church and “po-mo Christian” sinners in general by using big TRUTH WARRIOR words such as “gutless crybaby,” “spineless” and “sissified jellyfish” even more than he did in the first film or does now.

On a happier note Ken also reinstated his offer to make good on his vow to donate a “spine” and “Backbone”  to any apostate heretic that would repent and believe upon the Pure and True Gospel of John MacArthur’s Truth Wars™ and Biblical American values such as capitalism and war so that this film could have a happier ending than the first one.

Fear AND LOATHING on the INTERNET…

June 7, 2010

        

Ken Silva stars in this New inspirational film full of Truth War motivation in which our hero the Great Pastor-Teacher over a whole Internet congregation of wanna-be Discernmentalists and the Internet Church of The True Remnant (Ken) discernmentalizes the “sinfully-ecumenical quasi-mystical Roman Catholic and Eastern Orthodox-loving Evolutionary Third-Way Christian Pelagian Socialist and heretical Spirituality of the Emerging/Emergent Church and Emergence Christianity” by “Apprising” it.

Our film (Fear And Loathing On The Internet) opens with a montage of Ken protesting against apostates such as the “sinfully-ecumenical” Purpose-Driven and Contemplative-driven Emerging/Emergent Church and “po-mo Christian” sinners in general by using big TRUTH WARRIOR words such as “gutless crybaby,” “spineless” and “sissified jellyfish.” Later on under the influence of Ingrid of the former Slice of Laodicea, Ken begins to have visions (but not in a heretical Charismatic Pentecostal or Contemplative Spirituality/Lectio Divina-driven sort of way) after reading a Puritan mystic text and complains of hallucinating that Brian McLaren and Rob Bell are after him because of his Truth and Pure Doctrines. After that he vowed to donate a “spine” and “Backbone”  to any apostate heretic that would repent and believe upon the Gospel of John MacArthur’s Truth Wars™ and Biblical American values such as capitalism and war.

Realizing that none of the “spineless” “gutless” “sissified jellyfish” liberal sinners and Grace-hating man-loving apostates of the “sinfully-ecumenical quasi-Catholic and mystical Emerging/Emergent Church” that he had discernmentalized so far had changed their positions in the War on Truth for Truth yet, he decided the best tact was to unleash the Pure Gospel of our Angry Sovereign God’s Law and Wrath upon  sinners on them. Our film ends as the camera fades and we hear our Wise One and affectionate Uncle saying: “let’s hope that these spiritually bankrupt mainline emergence churches do…kill each other off…and go back home to Hell…”

Ken Silva’s Emerging Hidden “Postmodern Fascist” Agenda

June 6, 2010

Said Mussolini, “If each age has its doctrine, the innumerable symptoms indicated that the doctrine of our age is the Fascist one.”[3] When Mussolini penned this sentence he did not have in mind the currently popular and historically ignorant definitions of Fascism that most people possess today…

What’s wrong with all of our Mighty Truth Warriors today? First our Research Robot Monkeys have caught Eric Barger drinking communistic coffee at a worldly Emergent coven. If that wasn’t bad enough, our Research Robot Monkeys have now caught our affectionate uncle in Discernmentalism Ken Silva subliminally supporting the “Postmodern Fascism of Emergents.”  Behold the horror of Ken Silva’s unconcious sin in all it’s Postmodern Fascist abomination:

We  had to place the red Swastika  on Uncle Ken’s original poster in all of it’s missiveness for clarity’s sake—just because you can’t see a Swastika in the original print doesn’t mean it’s not really there. It looks like a kinda Swastika sort of to begin with—so obviously Ken has subtly hidden it well in his meaningless arrows—but not well enough to get by us. As one of our valiant Research Robot Monkeys and mighty follower and fellow Discernmentalist of all that is Absolute  Biblical Truth noted upon first glimpsing Ken’s original poster:

In the real world, doctrines that contradict each other cannot all be true; they can all be false, but they cannot all be true. In addition, even though in today’s spiritually spineless visible church you won’t often hear this, both the Eastern Orthodox Church and the Roman Catholic Church are apostate forms of Christianity. And apparently in the PCUSA one can be a pastor and a universalist; welcome to the very near future of mainstream evangelicalism.

We agree as Ken Silva can’t be a True Truth Warrior Discernmentalist of Absolute Biblical Truth and secretly support “Postmodern Fascism” at the same time—for as our Truth Bible says: “Avoid all appearances of evil and worldliness except for when you’re fighting for Truth or playing basketball.”  This is why we had to Discernmentalize Ken and now must take a stand by taking a stand for Absolute Biblical Truth and why we all must come against this abomination.