Archive for the ‘spine’ Category

New Quick And Painless Way

June 27, 2011

To Remove Jesus From Your Heart:

Have you ever asked Jesus into your heart? What about accepting Jesus as the Lord and Savior of your life? Or receiving Jesus to fill your God-shaped hole? Is Jesus more important to you than any other religious leader? If you answered yes to any of the following—congratulations you’re not even a Real and True Christian and most likely worship Satan, the Pope or Mary as your dark lord and master a False Convert.

If you have found that you were rated a False Convert—never fear Todd Friel with Brannon Howse’s help have introduced a new quick and pain-free way to reverse your status and make sure that you become a True Convert this time around. Introducing the new surgical procedure to surgically remove Jesus from False Converts’ hearts: Operation JesuScopic Surgery! Why let Jesus fool around in your heart when you can have your heart filled with the Puritan Hard Drive (PHD)—now with twice the amount of John Owen’s fatalistic arrogance!

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Fanatic for Jesus calls John MacArthur’s Jesus: “New Age.”

May 20, 2011

“All those who truly love Christ and care about the truth have a solemn duty to defend the truth by exposing and opposing these lies that masquerade as truth. If we fail in that duty because of indifference, apathy, or a craving for the approval of men, we are no less guilty than those who actively spread the lies.”

~John MacArthur, Excerpt from Unholy Trinity

Donna Martin aka Fanatic For Jesus is on record as proclaiming that the Premillennial Dispensationalist’s Christ is a “New Age” Christ:

Even-though as we all know John MacArthur the Ways of the Master himself (P. B. U. H.) believes in Premillennial Dispensationalism and the Rapture. In fact John MacArthur has stated with Absolute Certitude that “Every Self-Respecting Calvinist is a Premillennial Dispensationalist Rapture Believer” so obviously Donna Martin aka Fanatic For Jesus isn’t really a Fanatic for the True Jesus of the Bible: John MacArthur’s Jesus. Repent Donna Martin aka Fanatic For Jesus before it’s too late—for the End is nigh—don’t be a fool and get Left Behind with the unregenerate non-Elect heathen reprobates and Postmodern Unbelievers…believe in Premillennial Dispensationalism and the Rapture or Else! By the way it’s not too late to stock up on our fine and quality John MacArthur approved hand-crafted RaptureHatches before the Rapture occurs this Saturday.

Discernmentalists Declare Truth War On German Lutherans

December 13, 2010

We Discernmentalists have noticed that Germany is “spiritually dead.” This is because Germany has been untouched by the Protestant Reformation since the Reformation “truly” started in 16th century Geneva:

Using such clear Biblical language such as this: 

U r a blustery, supremacistic windbag who issues his illiterate thumperies about Reformed Theology, but, like a cowering lad, cannot take rejoinders. Publish the rebukes, lad. “Man up, ” Paul. “Fleet up,” son. Luther himself would dislike these shrunken nads.

U bluster to your constituency, but like a cowering lad, with shrunken gonads, you falter before an equal and greater force, namely, me. 

Laughing at the puerility first posted re: the puerility. “It is what it is is.” “It was what it is,” puerility. U look pretty disgusting, supremacistic, ignorant and famously hubristical. A “cow fart” to cite Luther. “Hot drippings from under the pig’s tail” are appropriate to this supremacistic, ignorant and arrogant hutzpah.

Paul, sell these bathing suits to other Lutheran Eskimoesi in the market for such, but not to Reformational men. We’re not in that stupid market.

“Man up,” laddie, “man up.” Get a pair, Paul. 

Over nine hours, lad, big Paul, your severally shrivelled nads are on display. Quite ugly and quite shrivelled. Not the stuff of manhood, Paul. Sell your nonsense to other carivaneers and carnivcal barkers of Confessional insipidity and shallowness. You are a noted man, but not for valour nor depth.

Your Reformed, quite English, and very Anglican friend who is not in the market for Lutheran supremacism.

Veitch

We plan to unleash the “Pure Gospel” of God’s Sovereign Wrath upon the spiritually dead lands of Germany. Hopefully a “Truly Reformed” and “True Reformational” church can be planted in Germany.

P. S. We even heard from one of our Research Robot Monkeys that Luther celebrated Roman pagan papal idolatries therefore his followers are Romanist Arminianists in need of hearing the “Absolute Biblical Truth Gospel (TULIP).”   

Brannon Howse Explains True Biblical Masculinity

November 17, 2010

BEHOLD MIGHTILY ALL YE GOD-HATING REPROBATES that

Brannon Howse after learning that we are under attack by Femi-Marxists has stepped up his efforts in defense of the Absolute Biblical Truth of Biblical Manhood, Biblical Womanhood and the 21st century American values of patriarchal families. Note Brannon has said: “Whether people admit it or not, it is evident that there are God-ordained roles for men and for women-each complementing the other. This is what makes a great marriage great-the different and sometimes opposite but complementary gifts, abilities, insight, and interests of each spouse.

What are these  God-ordained roles for men you may ask—why nothing but this: the husband/father  (man) has absolute control over his wife/daughter (woman/girl) period. Women are inferior and are nothing but our property. A woman shouldn’t speak unless they have our permission to speak first. A woman shouldn’t think unless they think exactly like us—how dare any of them try to think for themselves or speak their own mind! A woman’s place is at home barefoot and pregnant and to submit unto us (their male overlords) and to cater to our every whim, beckoning and need. A woman is nothing but an incubator to our seeds (preferbably all male seeds for if you are a true Biblical manly man you will only sire all male heirs). A woman’s place is definitely not in the work force and most certainly not leading a church by preaching the wonderful, beautiful, glorious Biblical Gospel of God’s Absolute Sovereign Wrath in damning 99% of all humanity to hell before they were even born.

Also remember domestic abuse is the fault of reprobate women for not bowing down and submitting unto our Pure Reformed Doctrines not us Pure Biblical manly men.

Stone Not Spank A Kid 4 Jesus!

July 7, 2010

God’s infallible and inerrant Word the Bible commands us to beat our children all for His Absolute Sovereign Glory so you better beat your children or else. Who cares about the laws of the government against child abuse—they’re all man-centered and man-exalting false and heretical socialist doctrines, anyway! God says to spank, torture and abuse kids to obey the Absolute Biblical Truth Ways of the Master. Time outs and non-harmful/non-abusive  forms of punishment are unbiblical so they’ll never work. Sharin’ Whiplash and Todd Friel teach these doctrines of spanking:

However we here at God’s Only Inerrant Party and of the Online Discernmentalist Mafia believe that spanking is a too spineless and liberal form of punishment. Spanking may be a Biblical Doctrine but it’s not a Pure Biblical Doctrine like the time-tested tried and true Biblical method of stoning like God tells us to do by an Absolute Decree in His Holy Inerrant and Infallible Word in Deuteronomy 21:18-21 (King James Version):

18 If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son, which will not obey the voice of his father, or the voice of his mother, and that, when they have chastened him, will not hearken unto them:

19 Then shall his father and his mother lay hold on him, and bring him out unto the elders of his city, and unto the gate of his place;

20 And they shall say unto the elders of his city, This our son is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton, and a drunkard.

21 And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die: so shalt thou put evil away from among you; and all Israel shall hear, and fear.

 As you can see Our Way of dealing with disobedient children has the Spine that Todd Friel and Sharin’ Whiplash’s way lacks as Our Way is more Pure and Absolute Truth Biblical being that Our Way is Truly God’s Way of dealing with disobedient children .

Fear AND Self-LOATHING on the INTERNET…

June 10, 2010

       

Our hero Ken Silva reprises his role in this sequel to the classic Fear And Loathing On The Internet. In this new film fresh off the conveyor belts of the GOIP DVD production lines—Ken begins lamenting the fact that there is  “a growing influence of Contemplative Spirituality/Mysticism (CSM) that has crept right into the timid heart of the squishy evanjellyfish church organism pretending to be a True Protestant community.”

Soon this lamenting turns into self-loathing followed by fear and then finally fear and self-loathing combined of which the title (Fear And Self-Loathing On The Internet) of the film is derived. Shortly in the film—in the midst of protesting against “the growing influence of Contemplative Spirituality/Mysticism (CSM)” in the church today— Ken experiences a computer crash but manages to send out this message through Discernmentalist Osmosis which is in the DNA of all True Discernmentalists:

Just a short note asking for prayer, particularly if you’ve been blessed by this online apologetics and discernment work, and making you aware that the hard drive in the main computer at here at Apprising Ministries has crashed. Fortunately back problems had forced me to do much of my work from a laptop so the loss of materials/information was lessened. Since our email program went through that now defunct main computer we no longer have access to it so we’ve begun a new email account: apprisingministries@gmail.com. We remain thankful you have been standing with Apprising Ministries through these 5+ years, and thank you for your prayer, as well as financial support as well. O, and the blessing; well, we’re still waiting to see what the Lord has in store through this little bit of a test as we try and rebuild our database.

Fearing for the worse Ken soon discovers that the evil Frank Viola and equally evil Leonard Sweet caused his hard drive to crash through their spiritually corrupt practice of Contemplative/Centering Prayer. Our film ends with Ken pledging to put his fear and self-loathing to good use as he vows to take revenge against Contemplative/Centering Prayer and the “sinfully-ecumenical” Purpose-Driven and Contemplative-driven Emerging/Emergent Church and “po-mo Christian” sinners in general by using big TRUTH WARRIOR words such as “gutless crybaby,” “spineless” and “sissified jellyfish” even more than he did in the first film or does now.

On a happier note Ken also reinstated his offer to make good on his vow to donate a “spine” and “Backbone”  to any apostate heretic that would repent and believe upon the Pure and True Gospel of John MacArthur’s Truth Wars™ and Biblical American values such as capitalism and war so that this film could have a happier ending than the first one.

Fear AND LOATHING on the INTERNET…

June 7, 2010

        

Ken Silva stars in this New inspirational film full of Truth War motivation in which our hero the Great Pastor-Teacher over a whole Internet congregation of wanna-be Discernmentalists and the Internet Church of The True Remnant (Ken) discernmentalizes the “sinfully-ecumenical quasi-mystical Roman Catholic and Eastern Orthodox-loving Evolutionary Third-Way Christian Pelagian Socialist and heretical Spirituality of the Emerging/Emergent Church and Emergence Christianity” by “Apprising” it.

Our film (Fear And Loathing On The Internet) opens with a montage of Ken protesting against apostates such as the “sinfully-ecumenical” Purpose-Driven and Contemplative-driven Emerging/Emergent Church and “po-mo Christian” sinners in general by using big TRUTH WARRIOR words such as “gutless crybaby,” “spineless” and “sissified jellyfish.” Later on under the influence of Ingrid of the former Slice of Laodicea, Ken begins to have visions (but not in a heretical Charismatic Pentecostal or Contemplative Spirituality/Lectio Divina-driven sort of way) after reading a Puritan mystic text and complains of hallucinating that Brian McLaren and Rob Bell are after him because of his Truth and Pure Doctrines. After that he vowed to donate a “spine” and “Backbone”  to any apostate heretic that would repent and believe upon the Gospel of John MacArthur’s Truth Wars™ and Biblical American values such as capitalism and war.

Realizing that none of the “spineless” “gutless” “sissified jellyfish” liberal sinners and Grace-hating man-loving apostates of the “sinfully-ecumenical quasi-Catholic and mystical Emerging/Emergent Church” that he had discernmentalized so far had changed their positions in the War on Truth for Truth yet, he decided the best tact was to unleash the Pure Gospel of our Angry Sovereign God’s Law and Wrath upon  sinners on them. Our film ends as the camera fades and we hear our Wise One and affectionate Uncle saying: “let’s hope that these spiritually bankrupt mainline emergence churches do…kill each other off…and go back home to Hell…”