Archive for the ‘Ray Comforts’ Category

Prideful Boasting

June 30, 2011

Our Research Robot Monkeys have caught Contemporary Christian Music Superstar Carman pridefully boasting of his good works and religious accomplishments to promote himself and his music:

We however never ever use any kind of self-righteous prideful boasting in promoting ourselves and/or our quality Bible-based Discernmentalist products:

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New Quick And Painless Way

June 27, 2011

To Remove Jesus From Your Heart:

Have you ever asked Jesus into your heart? What about accepting Jesus as the Lord and Savior of your life? Or receiving Jesus to fill your God-shaped hole? Is Jesus more important to you than any other religious leader? If you answered yes to any of the following—congratulations you’re not even a Real and True Christian and most likely worship Satan, the Pope or Mary as your dark lord and master a False Convert.

If you have found that you were rated a False Convert—never fear Todd Friel with Brannon Howse’s help have introduced a new quick and pain-free way to reverse your status and make sure that you become a True Convert this time around. Introducing the new surgical procedure to surgically remove Jesus from False Converts’ hearts: Operation JesuScopic Surgery! Why let Jesus fool around in your heart when you can have your heart filled with the Puritan Hard Drive (PHD)—now with twice the amount of John Owen’s fatalistic arrogance!

Trish Of Way Of The Master Fame Supports The Heretical Sinner’s Prayer

June 16, 2010

        

Day by day it seems  that more and more of our Mighty Truth Warriors are falling by the way into the slippery slope of apostasy and heresy. We are appalled by such spinelessness in these Last Days when God’s very own fragile Truth is under attack daily by Spiritual Terrorists who are out to corrupt it. We must all do our part and take a stand for Absolute Biblical Truth and Absolute Biblical Certainty against these apostates so that God’s fragile Sovereign Truth might be protected from those out to destroy it.

This is why we were so disappointed when it was recently brought to our attention that Trish (of  Way Of The Master and Fish With Trish fame) and her husband’s church are so supportive of the heretical Sinner’s Prayer formula. We are so shocked that Trish’s husband’s church would stand for such man-exalting heresy especially after Way Of The Master took such a hard and self-righteous stand against Sinner’s Prayers and those churches that ask those who want to follow Jesus to recite some form of a Sinner’s Prayer. As Todd Friel has said:

The Sinner’s Prayer

As a rule, I do not lead them in prayer. It is not Biblical. If someone you know committed adultery against his wife, would you lead him back to his wife and say, “Repeat after me, I am really sorry and I shouldn’t have slept with that woman?” You would not do it in that case and you shouldn’t do it with a sinner. However, if they say they want to pray now, you can say, “Go ahead and pray and then I will pray for you.” Otherwise, send them on their way and ask them to let you know if they have made their decision. If they do, God saved them. If they don’t, you will be glad you didn’t manipulate them into prayer.

Our Research Robot Monkeys found this tract on Trish’s husband’s church Sovereign Wrath Community Church Sovereign Joy Community Church’s homepage and brought the man-centered and man-exalting semi-Pelagian errors to our attention—behold Sovereign Wrath Community Church’s Sovereign Joy Community Church’s own form of a Sinner’s Prayer:

We know what you have done Trish so there’s no need to try to hide and deny it. You’ve been caught and we’ve now exposed you for the hypocrite that you are your heretical sins before the world. Here we have zoomed in on your man-exalting heresy for Absolute Clarity’s sake:

What would John MacArthur say?* We have to wonder how many False Converts your husband’s church has produced Trish? Notice how the formula in the tract above is the same formula as your typical Sinner’s Prayer which follows as such: confess that you are a sinner, ask for forgiveness from your sins and finally ask Jesus to save you so that you can spend eternity in Heaven with Him and thank Him for the gift of salvation or some other form of this formula. Given all the evidence presented in front of you—we have one last question to ask of you Trish: “Are you a good person?” 

In order to finally get right with God we ask that you please read our excellent and quality well-researched unscholarly Discernmentalist essays: Discernmentalist Altar Calls: How To Make Sure Of Your Election and Ten reasons to UNASK Jesus from your heart.

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* John MacArthur’s Sinner’s Prayer:

How many times have we come upon writings by Reformed men, whether online or in books, denigrating the use of the sinner’s prayer? I came upon this sermon by John MacArthur of Grace Community Church and it closes with what appears to be a sinner’s prayer: “While your heads are bowed for just a moment, if you do not know Christ but you desire to receive the salvation that He offers, the forgiveness of sin and eternal life, will you in the quietness of your own heart say…Lord God, I believe in Jesus Christ, I believe that He God in flesh died on the cross to pay the penalty for my sin, rose again, provided perfect satisfaction and I receive the gift of salvation in His name, turning from my sin I commit myself to follow Him. Pray that prayer and may true salvation be yours this day. Amen. (“Looking At The Cross from God’s Perspective,” a sermon on Romans 3.24-31)”

Let Us Bring You The Good News Of God’s Wrath For Only The Low Cost Of $89-$109!

June 12, 2010

In a day and age when people are unsure or unclear about God’s wrath, we desire to clarify several of the misconceptions concerning hell, God’s anger, and His coming judgment. We promise  to bring you the uncompromising message of the Good News that God will pour down His Holy Wrath and Anger on all sinners except for a select few lucky people of which we are among those few. We will bring this message to you for only the small fee of:

Early Bird Rate: $89 (April 9 – June 9, 2010)
Regular Rate: $99 (June 10 – July 16, 2010)
At the Door Rate: $109 (July 17 – August 4, 2010)

Act now and recieve our message for a fraction of the cost:

We are offering a 10% discount for Pastors, missionaries, students, and military personnel. In order to receive this discount, please put the word “PASTOR” (all capital letters) in the promotion coupon section of the check-out process on the Evangelism Team website.

We are also offering a group discount of 10% for groups of 5 or more people. If you are registering a group, please put the word “PASTOR” in the promotion coupon section of the check-out process on the Evangelism Team website.

Please note that no meals will be provided at the event. Attendees are encouraged to eat at area restaurants.

If you have any questions, please contact us.

email: info@john1016conference.com
phone: (888) 370 – 1368

Our Non Man-Centered Gospel

May 12, 2010

      

We are dissappointed about the state of the American Church today for there are too many False Converts being produced in our churches today.  Millions have been turning away from the Pure Gospel of John MacArthur’s Truth Wars™ to a sissified watered-down false gospel. We are Angered at the American Church’s slide into setting  the stage for the growing  numbers of False Converts by the unbiblical nature of the modern, man-centered gospel American preachers like Joel Osteen, Brian McLaren and Doug Pagitt preach.

We hope that America repents and turns back to our non man-centered Gospel—the Pure Gospel of John MacArthur’s Truth Wars™. We only Expect you to bow down to a statue of Calvin rejoicing in the burning of Servetus at the stake. We also Expect you to pray in the direction of Geneva 7 times a day. Pray for America to become a Theocratic nation like God preordained it to be. Also We Expect you to preserve, defend and protect the Sovereign Legacy of Final President Ronald Reagan.

There is nothing man-centered about our Gospel. It is simply what everyone needs in order to be Truly Elected unto Salvation: the Simple and Pure Gospel of John MacArthur’s Truth Wars™.

Discernmentalist Ecumenism

April 25, 2010

   

We must stand against those who oppose our Pure Doctrines. Certainly even being seen with those who think differently than Us sends a message to the world—a message that says We approve of their false beliefs even if their politics are Orthodox. We must not even look in the same general direction as those who disagree with Us or else people may mistake Us for our enemies. If someone says anything moderately approving of Michelangelo‘s statue of David or the Sistine Chapel, they are clearly suspect of being a closet Pope-worshipping Romanist.

If anyone invites a Muslim over for dinner, they secretly approve of Islamic terrorism. If you like any Elton John song, you condone the unnatural and deviant behavior and immorality of homosexuality. We may approve of someone’s Orthodox Politics aka Republican leaning politics but unless they believe in our Pure Religious Doctrines they’re Pure Political Doctrines are meaningless. We may stand against abortion but if We stand against abortion in the presence of a Roman Catholic, they may think that We approve of  their Dark, Satanic, Degenerate, Reprobate, False and Cultic Religious Belief System even if We agree with their anti-abortion stance as We most certainly can’t approve of anything Roman Catholic, worldly or apostate.

We Discernmentalists are not ecumenists while at the same time We are ecumenical, however, We must be ecumenical in our divisionism and divisional in our ecumenism. Using our Discernmentalist logic which We apply to everything We’ll illustrate this point: When anti-Pedobaptism Credobaptist Al Mohler joins together with the staunch Pedobaptist defender of Pedobaptism  R. C. Sproul in partnership to unite against the Emergent heresy—this is an example of Good Discernmentalist Ecumenism aka being ecumenical without being a ecumenist. Another example is when “Ingrid Schuelter (who may also have Lutheran leanings as she partakes in Advent against Ken Silva’s clear teachings of its Pagan origins)” and Ken Silva agree on anything in order to defend our Pure Doctrines against apostates. Get it, got it…good, because We told you so.

Discernmentalist Altar Calls: How To Make Sure Of Your Election

April 20, 2010

“Ask Jesus into your heart,” “receive Jesus”—oh the horror of such unbiblical phrases which produces False Converts and is rank heresy. We Know that nothing good can come out of making a decision for Christ as Heaven forbid that might actually change someone. We also Know that none of our own approve of such blasphemous ideas as  “asking Jesus into your heart.” This is why we have come up with this guide to teach you the proper and Biblical way to be regenerated entitled Discernmentalist Altar Calls: How To Make Sure Of Your Election:

1. We believe in Altar Calls. We just don’t  believe in Arminian Altar Calls as that may lead to the  man-exalting heresy of Credobaptism as we prefer the non-Roman Catholic based Pedobaptism. In fact our favorite Altar Call hymn is “Just As I Am” because if you are Truly Elected you don’t have to change nor be changed unless you are homosexual, liberal,  a Papist, Emergent or Arminian in which case you are most likely reprobated and not  Truly Elect of God.

2. You have a hole in your heart which only Calvinistic soteriology can fill. Surrender your heart to John MacArthur and Calvinistic teaching as only that is Absolute Truth. We suggest you start out with John MacArthur’s Study Bible and Wayne Grudem’s Systematic Theology: An Introduction to Biblical Doctrine as they contain Absolute Biblical Truth Doctrines.

3. If you have asked Jesus into your heart before— now is the time to unask Him from your heart for as Todd Friel (Wretched) says:

anyone who asked Jesus into their hearts to be saved…is not. If you asked Jesus into your heart because you were told that is what you have to do to become a Christian, you were mis-informed.

If you have ever told someone to ask Jesus into their heart, you produced a false convert.

4. After making room by unasking Jesus from your heart, you must ask John  Calvin into your heart  as Calvin is the final arbiter of all Christian Truth. Asking Jesus into your heart is a saying that makes no sense but asking Calvin into your heart will make the Bible clear as Calvinism not Jesus is the Gospel.

5. Study the Synods of Dort and the Westminster Confession of Faith and receive them into your heart.

6. Once you have received the Synods of Dort and the Westminster Confession of Faith make a decision to Truly believe them so that you may experience the fruits of their regenerational powers as Dr. R. L. Hymers, Jr. says:

the mere assent to, and belief in, the doctrines of Calvinism (are the True) form of (Godly) “decisionism,” … The man who makes a “decision” to believe the doctrines is (to be) proclaimed saved! If he can explain the Calvinistic “doctrines of grace” he is (to be) accepted into the church with no questions asked about his own experience of conversion. Thus, (if) thousands learn to explain the meaning of TULIP, and are (able), upon the ability to explain these doctrines, (they should be) pronounced (Truly) converted and (therefore) taken into (our) churches.

7. You may repent if you want to but it is not required of the Truly Elect as Luther says: “No sin can separate us from Him, even if we were to kill or commit adultery thousands of times each day,” for if you are  Truly Elect you are “Once Saved Always Saved” irregardless of whether you repent or not. This is why John Calvin (murderer) and Charles Spurgeon (glutton) are in Heaven even if they never Truly repented of  their sins nor changed their sinful lifestyles. This is why we also accept people like Phil Johnson (glutton), John MacArthur (slanderer), Todd Friel (false accuser of the Brethren)  and Charles Stanley (adulterer) as Truly Elect even if they go without Truly repenting of  their sins or changing their sinful lifestyles. Repentance then is only Truly required for unregenerate reprobates like homosexuals, liberals, Papists, Emergents and Arminians. Homosexuals must especially repent and change their sinful alternative and deviant lifestyles as homosexuality is unnatural and an abomination to our Holy Wrathful God.

8.  Trusting in Jesus and accepting Him into your heart provides a false sense of security and produces backslidders. Trusting in the Dortian Doctrines of Grace provide Eternal Security as we Discernmentalists can never backslide (see point # 7).

9. We Discernmentalists  never cause the cause of Christ to be ridiculed even with our bibliolatry and blind Calvinolatry.

10. Evangelism is foolishness if it isn’t fatalistically predeterminist.

11. Here is the scary one. People who haven’t asked Calvin into their hearts are not saved and they will perish on the Day of Judgment. We are sorry but if you haven’t accepted the Dortian Doctrines of Grace you have been pre-chosen to eternally burn in damnation forever period. Congratulations though if you made it through points 1-8 you are Truly Elect as only Calvinism produces True Converts. Solo Calvinus. Soli Calvinus gloria!

Todd Friel’s Secret Prosperity Agenda

February 23, 2010

As we all know Todd Friel (Wretched)’s phone number for his show is 1-800-LAW-GRACE—clearly he isn’t original as the  Litigation Funding for Potential Plaintiffs, Plaintiffs, and Attorneys’ phone number is 1-800-LAW-CASH. This may not look too concerning at first but upon further discernmentalization we have come to the conclusion by our perfect osmosis that Todd is secretly supporting the Prosperity Gospel. Clearly his slippery-slope of using the same  phone number as worldly and legal cash-fiends, ambulance chasing sharks and money sniffing bloodhounds is a secret code for his support of Prosperity teaching. This must have something to do with it as our Research Robot Monkeys have cracked the code. We Know! We have Absolute Proof—just look at what he’s hawking on his site:

Only a true Prosperity teacher would try to sell you something to make money off of the Gospel or endorse products for the Gospel like those Emergents do. We Know because we see all with our Bible-Based omniscience and osmosis.

P. S. Remember to give Todd Friel a call but before you do buy at least ten of his products to support him and his ministry of dividing the church and bless him financially in his Truth War ways.

Ken Silva Contracts A Rare Emergent Virus

February 21, 2010

Yesterday Ken Silva contracted the rare hideous and disfiguring Emergent virus: Calvini sincerus doxolatroum vitare. This caused him to attack God’s Absolute Sovereignty and utter such an unReformed statement as this:

WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR UNLEASHING THE EMERGING CHURCH VIRUS EMBED CODE?

We Know who is responsible and the Pure Reformed answer is:

God from all eternity, did, by the most wise and holy counsel of His own will, freely, and unchangeably ordain whatsoever comes to pass yet so, as thereby neither is God the author of sin, nor is violence offered to the will of the creatures; nor is the liberty or contingency of second causes taken away, but rather established.
Westminster Larger Catechism Q3

That means that God is responsible and the One who caused from the Foundation of the World the UNLEASHING of  THE EMERGING CHURCH VIRUS which Ken Silva contracted. We all are now praying for Ken Silva to be healed and get well from such a dark and reprobated illness so that he can return to his ole Deformed Purely Reformed, Emergent-bashing and Discernmentalist self.

Shocked: Spurgeon Had A False Conversion—We Know So!

February 20, 2010

Recently our Research Robot Monkeys have come upon new and startling information concerning Charles Spurgeon (Holy Warrior). We have found that Spurgeon had a False Conversion—we are truly disappointed in this finding. Here follows an account of  Spurgeon’s False Conversion:

Spurgeon’s conversion to Christianity came on January 6, 1850, at age fifteen. On his way to a scheduled appointment, a snow storm forced him to cut short his intended journey and to turn into a Primitive Methodist chapel in Colchester where “God opened his heart to the salvation message.” The text that moved him was Isaiah 45:22 – “Look unto me, and be ye saved, all the ends of the earth, for I am God, and there is none else.”

Methodists teach Grace-hating Man-loving Arminianism, Decisional Regeneration and Free-Willism which are all errors. See  there this is proof of his False Conversion—We Know so! Charles Spurgeon (Holy Warrior) even admits by his own Free-Will he made a Decision for Christ rather than being Regenerated by the preaching of the Pure Gospel of God’s Sovereign Wrath:

I do from my soul confess that I never was satisfied till I came to Christ; when was yet a child, I had far more wretchedness than ever I have now; I will even add, more weariness, more care, more heart-ache than I know at this day. I may be singular in this confession, but I make it, and know it to be the truth. Since that dear hour when my soul cast itself on Jesus, I have found solid joy and peace; but before that, all those supposed gaieties of early youth, all the imagined ease and joy of boyhood, were but vanity and vexation of spirit to me. . That happy day, when I found the Saviour, and learned to cling to His dear feet, was a day never to be forgotten by me. An obscure child, unknown, unheard of, I listened to the Word of God; and that precious text led me to the cross of Christ. I can testify that the joy of that day was utterly indescribable. I could have leaped, I could have danced; there was no expression, however fanatical, which would have been out of keeping with the joy of my spirit at that hour. Many days of Christian experience have passed since then, but there has never been one which has had the full exhilaration, the sparkling delight which that first day had. I thought I could have sprung from the seat on which I sat, and have called out with the wildest of those Methodist brethren who were present, “I am forgiven! I am forgiven! A monument of grace! A sinner saved by blood! “My spirit saw its chains broken to pieces, I felt that I was an emancipated soul, an heir of Heaven, a forgiven one, accepted in Christ Jesus, plucked out of the miry clay and out of the horrible pit, with my feet set upon a rock, and my goings established. I thought I could dance all the way home. I could understand what John Bunyan meant, when he declared he wanted to tell the crows on the ploughed land all about his conversion. He was too full to hold, he felt he must tell somebody.

Sheer blasphemy—we are mortified beyond words! We are now praying that Todd Friel (Wretched), Ray Comforts (Awesome) and Kirk Cameron (Awesome Actor) drop all their associational ties with the works of this False Convert.

P. S. Also we are not too pleased with Spurgeon’s teachings against the Pure Reformed Doctrines and clear teachings of Calvin on Infant Baptism and also likewise with John Piper (Soft On Heretics)’s teaching against the Pure Baptism Doctrines of Calvin as well.

And remember these words of Absolute Truth from Sharin’ Whiplash:

Certainly Credobaptism is evil since it promotes confusion this is why I Thank You, Lord, for Your servant, Jean Cauvin, without whom we would be still struggling in the darkness of Credobaptism, that man-exalting heresy! Besides Immersion sounds too much like the heresy of Emergent/Emerging or Emergence Christianity.