Archive for the ‘Quirk Cameron!!!!!!!’ Category

How To Write A Ken Silvaesque Article! | eHow.com

October 13, 2011

So you want to write an Apprising article just like Ken Silva? Well follow these eight simple steps and pretty soon you’ll be able to write an Apprising Discernmentalist Missive like a pro and even one up Ken Silva himself:

  1. Step one—choose a subject on whom you want to apprise the church on: Candace Cameron-Bure.
  2. Step 2: Can you discern anything slightly heretical about the subject whom you’ve chosen? Yes.
  3. Step 3: Define what you have deemed heretical about the subject you are writing on: Recently Candace Cameron-Bure appeared on a worldly Nickelodeon game show.
  4. Step 4: Here would be a good place in the article to add a screen-capture preferably of a Twitter account to use as incriminating evidence:
  5. Step 5: Was what you deemed heretical a book, a quote, an event or something else? A worldly Nickelodeon game show appearance.
  6. Step 6: What made this so heretical? (Hint: Now is a good time to link your article back to any of your other fellow Online Discernmentalist Ministries and friends or one of your own articles). I’ve already told you that Worldliness is an abomination remember as Romans 12:2 states: “Be not conformed to the world” also as Proverbs 27: 20 states: “‘Hell and destruction are never full; so the eyes of man are never satisfied.” Not only is Nickelodeon worldly but my fellow Truth Warrior Eric Barger has discernmentalized some startling facts about Nickelodeon’s connection to the New World Order and the Occult: “Beware of New Nickelodeon Show: A new, heavily advertised program debuting tomorrow (January 1) on Nickelodeon will introduce American children to a Harry Potter-like hit show from Belgian called “The House of Anubis.” From watching the video trailer for the new TV show, it is very obvious that the producers are cashing in on the blockbuster success of the J.K. Rowling novels. It also further illustrates the fascination and affinity the world is showing for entertainment which promotes ungodly supernaturalism. At very least “The House of Anubis” glorifies its namesake – “a jackal-headed god associated with mummification and the afterlife in Egyptian mythology.” In occult circles, Anubis is known as one of the most powerful demonic deities. I wrote about this is the updated version of my book (with David Benoit) Entertaining Spirits Unaware: The End-Time Occult Invasion. (See: http://www.ericbarger.com/esu.htm) This is just another step in the desensitization process of our society (and out children). Our world is now viewing the occult as “normal” – a certain sign of the End-Days.” Therefore we can only conclude that by Candace Cameron-Bure appearing on a show on a network that promotes Occultic NWO shows then she has destroyed any integrity in her purity of  True Christian Doctrine that she had left and may in fact be a False Convert. Also she was sinfully-ecumenical on that worldly show with Larry Kinga known supporter of Liberal politics who rejects the True Gospel and Joey Fatone-who was a member in a band with a homosexual.  This sends the world the wrong message. This tells the world that Christians accept the great lie and satanic deception of Liberalism that means that homosexuality and abortion are ok but war is wrong. Lastly, the worldly show that Candace Cameron-Bure appeared on promotes sharing and charities which are communism and socialism according to my fellow Discernmentalist Jan Markell’s clear teachings.
  7. Step 7: Make sure to add at least one quote or two from John MacArthur (P. B. U. H.) or Spurgeon or both of these men of God  to add a little “non-sissified anti-Evanjellyfish doctrinal theology” into your article: “If you’ve been watching the headlines over the last couple years, you may have noticed the incredible surge of interest in affirming homosexuality. Whether it’s at the heart of a religious scandal, political corruption, radical legislation, or the redefinition of marriage, homosexual interests have come to characterize America. That’s an indication of the success of the gay agenda. And some Christians, including some national church leaders, have wavered on the issue even recently. But sadly, when people refuse to acknowledge the sinfulness of homosexuality–calling evil good and good evil (Isaiah 5:20)–they do so at the expense of many souls. How should you respond to the success of the gay agenda? Should you accept the recent trend toward tolerance? Or should you side with those who exclude homosexuals with hostility and disdain? In reality, the Bible calls for a balance between what some people think are two opposing reactions–condemnation and compassion. Really, the two together are essential elements of biblical love, and that’s something the homosexual sinner desperately needs. Homosexual advocates have been remarkably effective in selling their warped interpretations of passages in Scripture that address homosexuality. When you ask a homosexual what the Bible says about homosexuality–and many of them know–they have digested an interpretation that is not only warped, but also completely irrational. Pro-homosexual arguments from the Bible are nothing but smokescreens–as you come close, you see right through them. God’s condemnation of homosexuality is abundantly clear–He opposes it in every age.“—Dr. John MacArthur (P. B. U. H.) on the Gay Agenda. Spurgeon on worldliness: “It is clear to every one who is willing to see it that laxity of doctrine is either the parent of worldliness, or is in some other way very near akin to it. The men who give up the old faith are the same persons who plead for latitude as to general conduct. The Puritan is not more notorious for his orthodoxy than for his separateness from the world. Liberal divines do not always command the respect of the public, but they gain a certain popularity by pandering to prevailing tastes. The ungodly world is so far on their side that it commends them for their liberality, and rails at the orthodox as bigots and kill-joys. It is a very suspicious circumstance that very often the less a man knows of the inner life, and the less he even cares to speak of it, the more heartily he is for the new theology, the theory of evolution, and the condemnation of all settled doctrine. Those who would have a blessing from the Lord must avoid all this, and determine to follow the Lord fully. Not only must they quit false doctrine, but they must receive the gospel, not as dogma, but as vital truth. Only as the truth is attended with living faith will it prove its own royal power. Believers must also sweep the house of the leaven of worldliness, and the frivolities of a giddy generation. The evil which is now current eats as doth a canker, and there is no hope for healthy godliness until it is cut out of the body of the church by her again repenting, and doing her first works.
  8. Step 8: Write a conclusion: “Let’s mobilize our Lord’s forces and lift up the banner of Jesus Christ of Nazareth—our great God and Savior—for the whole world to see! For he who is in you is greater than he who is in the world (1 John 4:4) Might we give ourselves completely to the Lord that He use us to rescue those lost in the twisted kingdom of the cults.” Finish. Congratulations! Now, you’ve written a Ken Silvaesque article!
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Prideful Boasting

June 30, 2011

Our Research Robot Monkeys have caught Contemporary Christian Music Superstar Carman pridefully boasting of his good works and religious accomplishments to promote himself and his music:

We however never ever use any kind of self-righteous prideful boasting in promoting ourselves and/or our quality Bible-based Discernmentalist products:

New Quick And Painless Way

June 27, 2011

To Remove Jesus From Your Heart:

Have you ever asked Jesus into your heart? What about accepting Jesus as the Lord and Savior of your life? Or receiving Jesus to fill your God-shaped hole? Is Jesus more important to you than any other religious leader? If you answered yes to any of the following—congratulations you’re not even a Real and True Christian and most likely worship Satan, the Pope or Mary as your dark lord and master a False Convert.

If you have found that you were rated a False Convert—never fear Todd Friel with Brannon Howse’s help have introduced a new quick and pain-free way to reverse your status and make sure that you become a True Convert this time around. Introducing the new surgical procedure to surgically remove Jesus from False Converts’ hearts: Operation JesuScopic Surgery! Why let Jesus fool around in your heart when you can have your heart filled with the Puritan Hard Drive (PHD)—now with twice the amount of John Owen’s fatalistic arrogance!

Trish Of Way Of The Master Fame Supports The Heretical Sinner’s Prayer

June 16, 2010

        

Day by day it seems  that more and more of our Mighty Truth Warriors are falling by the way into the slippery slope of apostasy and heresy. We are appalled by such spinelessness in these Last Days when God’s very own fragile Truth is under attack daily by Spiritual Terrorists who are out to corrupt it. We must all do our part and take a stand for Absolute Biblical Truth and Absolute Biblical Certainty against these apostates so that God’s fragile Sovereign Truth might be protected from those out to destroy it.

This is why we were so disappointed when it was recently brought to our attention that Trish (of  Way Of The Master and Fish With Trish fame) and her husband’s church are so supportive of the heretical Sinner’s Prayer formula. We are so shocked that Trish’s husband’s church would stand for such man-exalting heresy especially after Way Of The Master took such a hard and self-righteous stand against Sinner’s Prayers and those churches that ask those who want to follow Jesus to recite some form of a Sinner’s Prayer. As Todd Friel has said:

The Sinner’s Prayer

As a rule, I do not lead them in prayer. It is not Biblical. If someone you know committed adultery against his wife, would you lead him back to his wife and say, “Repeat after me, I am really sorry and I shouldn’t have slept with that woman?” You would not do it in that case and you shouldn’t do it with a sinner. However, if they say they want to pray now, you can say, “Go ahead and pray and then I will pray for you.” Otherwise, send them on their way and ask them to let you know if they have made their decision. If they do, God saved them. If they don’t, you will be glad you didn’t manipulate them into prayer.

Our Research Robot Monkeys found this tract on Trish’s husband’s church Sovereign Wrath Community Church Sovereign Joy Community Church’s homepage and brought the man-centered and man-exalting semi-Pelagian errors to our attention—behold Sovereign Wrath Community Church’s Sovereign Joy Community Church’s own form of a Sinner’s Prayer:

We know what you have done Trish so there’s no need to try to hide and deny it. You’ve been caught and we’ve now exposed you for the hypocrite that you are your heretical sins before the world. Here we have zoomed in on your man-exalting heresy for Absolute Clarity’s sake:

What would John MacArthur say?* We have to wonder how many False Converts your husband’s church has produced Trish? Notice how the formula in the tract above is the same formula as your typical Sinner’s Prayer which follows as such: confess that you are a sinner, ask for forgiveness from your sins and finally ask Jesus to save you so that you can spend eternity in Heaven with Him and thank Him for the gift of salvation or some other form of this formula. Given all the evidence presented in front of you—we have one last question to ask of you Trish: “Are you a good person?” 

In order to finally get right with God we ask that you please read our excellent and quality well-researched unscholarly Discernmentalist essays: Discernmentalist Altar Calls: How To Make Sure Of Your Election and Ten reasons to UNASK Jesus from your heart.

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* John MacArthur’s Sinner’s Prayer:

How many times have we come upon writings by Reformed men, whether online or in books, denigrating the use of the sinner’s prayer? I came upon this sermon by John MacArthur of Grace Community Church and it closes with what appears to be a sinner’s prayer: “While your heads are bowed for just a moment, if you do not know Christ but you desire to receive the salvation that He offers, the forgiveness of sin and eternal life, will you in the quietness of your own heart say…Lord God, I believe in Jesus Christ, I believe that He God in flesh died on the cross to pay the penalty for my sin, rose again, provided perfect satisfaction and I receive the gift of salvation in His name, turning from my sin I commit myself to follow Him. Pray that prayer and may true salvation be yours this day. Amen. (“Looking At The Cross from God’s Perspective,” a sermon on Romans 3.24-31)”

Let Us Bring You The Good News Of God’s Wrath For Only The Low Cost Of $89-$109!

June 12, 2010

In a day and age when people are unsure or unclear about God’s wrath, we desire to clarify several of the misconceptions concerning hell, God’s anger, and His coming judgment. We promise  to bring you the uncompromising message of the Good News that God will pour down His Holy Wrath and Anger on all sinners except for a select few lucky people of which we are among those few. We will bring this message to you for only the small fee of:

Early Bird Rate: $89 (April 9 – June 9, 2010)
Regular Rate: $99 (June 10 – July 16, 2010)
At the Door Rate: $109 (July 17 – August 4, 2010)

Act now and recieve our message for a fraction of the cost:

We are offering a 10% discount for Pastors, missionaries, students, and military personnel. In order to receive this discount, please put the word “PASTOR” (all capital letters) in the promotion coupon section of the check-out process on the Evangelism Team website.

We are also offering a group discount of 10% for groups of 5 or more people. If you are registering a group, please put the word “PASTOR” in the promotion coupon section of the check-out process on the Evangelism Team website.

Please note that no meals will be provided at the event. Attendees are encouraged to eat at area restaurants.

If you have any questions, please contact us.

email: info@john1016conference.com
phone: (888) 370 – 1368

Our Non Man-Centered Gospel

May 12, 2010

      

We are dissappointed about the state of the American Church today for there are too many False Converts being produced in our churches today.  Millions have been turning away from the Pure Gospel of John MacArthur’s Truth Wars™ to a sissified watered-down false gospel. We are Angered at the American Church’s slide into setting  the stage for the growing  numbers of False Converts by the unbiblical nature of the modern, man-centered gospel American preachers like Joel Osteen, Brian McLaren and Doug Pagitt preach.

We hope that America repents and turns back to our non man-centered Gospel—the Pure Gospel of John MacArthur’s Truth Wars™. We only Expect you to bow down to a statue of Calvin rejoicing in the burning of Servetus at the stake. We also Expect you to pray in the direction of Geneva 7 times a day. Pray for America to become a Theocratic nation like God preordained it to be. Also We Expect you to preserve, defend and protect the Sovereign Legacy of Final President Ronald Reagan.

There is nothing man-centered about our Gospel. It is simply what everyone needs in order to be Truly Elected unto Salvation: the Simple and Pure Gospel of John MacArthur’s Truth Wars™.

Todd Friel’s Secret Prosperity Agenda

February 23, 2010

As we all know Todd Friel (Wretched)’s phone number for his show is 1-800-LAW-GRACE—clearly he isn’t original as the  Litigation Funding for Potential Plaintiffs, Plaintiffs, and Attorneys’ phone number is 1-800-LAW-CASH. This may not look too concerning at first but upon further discernmentalization we have come to the conclusion by our perfect osmosis that Todd is secretly supporting the Prosperity Gospel. Clearly his slippery-slope of using the same  phone number as worldly and legal cash-fiends, ambulance chasing sharks and money sniffing bloodhounds is a secret code for his support of Prosperity teaching. This must have something to do with it as our Research Robot Monkeys have cracked the code. We Know! We have Absolute Proof—just look at what he’s hawking on his site:

Only a true Prosperity teacher would try to sell you something to make money off of the Gospel or endorse products for the Gospel like those Emergents do. We Know because we see all with our Bible-Based omniscience and osmosis.

P. S. Remember to give Todd Friel a call but before you do buy at least ten of his products to support him and his ministry of dividing the church and bless him financially in his Truth War ways.

Ken Silva Contracts A Rare Emergent Virus

February 21, 2010

Yesterday Ken Silva contracted the rare hideous and disfiguring Emergent virus: Calvini sincerus doxolatroum vitare. This caused him to attack God’s Absolute Sovereignty and utter such an unReformed statement as this:

WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR UNLEASHING THE EMERGING CHURCH VIRUS EMBED CODE?

We Know who is responsible and the Pure Reformed answer is:

God from all eternity, did, by the most wise and holy counsel of His own will, freely, and unchangeably ordain whatsoever comes to pass yet so, as thereby neither is God the author of sin, nor is violence offered to the will of the creatures; nor is the liberty or contingency of second causes taken away, but rather established.
Westminster Larger Catechism Q3

That means that God is responsible and the One who caused from the Foundation of the World the UNLEASHING of  THE EMERGING CHURCH VIRUS which Ken Silva contracted. We all are now praying for Ken Silva to be healed and get well from such a dark and reprobated illness so that he can return to his ole Deformed Purely Reformed, Emergent-bashing and Discernmentalist self.

Shocked: Spurgeon Had A False Conversion—We Know So!

February 20, 2010

Recently our Research Robot Monkeys have come upon new and startling information concerning Charles Spurgeon (Holy Warrior). We have found that Spurgeon had a False Conversion—we are truly disappointed in this finding. Here follows an account of  Spurgeon’s False Conversion:

Spurgeon’s conversion to Christianity came on January 6, 1850, at age fifteen. On his way to a scheduled appointment, a snow storm forced him to cut short his intended journey and to turn into a Primitive Methodist chapel in Colchester where “God opened his heart to the salvation message.” The text that moved him was Isaiah 45:22 – “Look unto me, and be ye saved, all the ends of the earth, for I am God, and there is none else.”

Methodists teach Grace-hating Man-loving Arminianism, Decisional Regeneration and Free-Willism which are all errors. See  there this is proof of his False Conversion—We Know so! Charles Spurgeon (Holy Warrior) even admits by his own Free-Will he made a Decision for Christ rather than being Regenerated by the preaching of the Pure Gospel of God’s Sovereign Wrath:

I do from my soul confess that I never was satisfied till I came to Christ; when was yet a child, I had far more wretchedness than ever I have now; I will even add, more weariness, more care, more heart-ache than I know at this day. I may be singular in this confession, but I make it, and know it to be the truth. Since that dear hour when my soul cast itself on Jesus, I have found solid joy and peace; but before that, all those supposed gaieties of early youth, all the imagined ease and joy of boyhood, were but vanity and vexation of spirit to me. . That happy day, when I found the Saviour, and learned to cling to His dear feet, was a day never to be forgotten by me. An obscure child, unknown, unheard of, I listened to the Word of God; and that precious text led me to the cross of Christ. I can testify that the joy of that day was utterly indescribable. I could have leaped, I could have danced; there was no expression, however fanatical, which would have been out of keeping with the joy of my spirit at that hour. Many days of Christian experience have passed since then, but there has never been one which has had the full exhilaration, the sparkling delight which that first day had. I thought I could have sprung from the seat on which I sat, and have called out with the wildest of those Methodist brethren who were present, “I am forgiven! I am forgiven! A monument of grace! A sinner saved by blood! “My spirit saw its chains broken to pieces, I felt that I was an emancipated soul, an heir of Heaven, a forgiven one, accepted in Christ Jesus, plucked out of the miry clay and out of the horrible pit, with my feet set upon a rock, and my goings established. I thought I could dance all the way home. I could understand what John Bunyan meant, when he declared he wanted to tell the crows on the ploughed land all about his conversion. He was too full to hold, he felt he must tell somebody.

Sheer blasphemy—we are mortified beyond words! We are now praying that Todd Friel (Wretched), Ray Comforts (Awesome) and Kirk Cameron (Awesome Actor) drop all their associational ties with the works of this False Convert.

P. S. Also we are not too pleased with Spurgeon’s teachings against the Pure Reformed Doctrines and clear teachings of Calvin on Infant Baptism and also likewise with John Piper (Soft On Heretics)’s teaching against the Pure Baptism Doctrines of Calvin as well.

And remember these words of Absolute Truth from Sharin’ Whiplash:

Certainly Credobaptism is evil since it promotes confusion this is why I Thank You, Lord, for Your servant, Jean Cauvin, without whom we would be still struggling in the darkness of Credobaptism, that man-exalting heresy! Besides Immersion sounds too much like the heresy of Emergent/Emerging or Emergence Christianity.

Jim Wallis Out To Destroy The Southern Baptist Convention

February 18, 2010

Brannon Howse warns:

One of the largest Southern Baptist Churches in America has invited the Rev. Jim Wallis to speak at a church function on March 9, 2010. This is extremely shocking because Prestwood has a long history of being a solid, Bible teaching church. Brannon has warned for several years that the teachings of the Emergent Church and their Social Justice worldview is infiltrating even the best of churches, seminaries, and Christian colleges. Let this be a warning to every pastor, elder, deacon, Sunday school teacher, and church member that we must be ever vigilant to keep this heresy out of our institutions. We must hire staff that have a solid Biblical worldview as well as have discernment and are well read and informed. Dr. David Noebel of Summit Ministries wrote an article on our website in March of 2009, that revealed the following facts about the Rev. Jim Wallis. Jim Wallis has had relationships with the communist Committee in Solidarity with the People of El Salvador. Second, his “Witness for Peace” was an attempt to defend the Nicaraguan Sandinistas! Wallis, together with the Rev. Jeremiah Wright (Obama’s former pastor of 20 years) “rallied support for the communist Nicaraguan regime and protested actions by the United States which supported the anti-communist Contra rebels” (Family World News, February 2009, p. 7). Third, Wallis and his Sojourners community of fellow-travelers believe Fidel Castro’s Cuba, Hugo Chavez’s Venezuela, Daniel Ortega’s Nicaragua, and the other revolutionary forces “restructuring socialist societies” are the Communist paradises the United States needs to emulate in order to establish “social justice.” Writing in the November 1983 issue of Sojourners, Jacob Laksin notes, “Jim Wallis and Jim Rice drafted what would become the charter of leftist activists committed to the proliferation of Communist revolutions in Central America” (Laksin, “Sojourners: History, Activities and Agendas” in Discoverthenetworks.org., 2005). The ugly truth is Wallis wishes to see the destruction of the United States as a nation and in its place “a radical nonconformist community” patterned after the progressive, socialist commune he established in Washington, D.C., in 1971 (Laksin, Ibid.).”The Sojourners community,” says Laksin, “actively embraced ‘liberation theology,’ rallying to the cause of communist regimes that had seized power with the promise of bringing about a revolutionary restructuring of society.” Clark Pinnock, a disaffected former member of Sojourners, said that the community’s members were “100 percent in favor of the Nicaraguan [communist] revolution” (Laksin, Ibid.). Is this what Prestwood endorses? Brannon says that if they really want to have Jim Wallis speak then at the least invite someone like him to show up for a formal debate. If someone like Jim Wallis can be invited to speak at a church like Prestonwood then it should be warning to all of us in leadership positions. Who booked t his guy and why? What is Prestwood going to do about it and what does this say about the individual or individuals that thought this was a good idea? Is this the type of staff Prestowood is now employing? Do young, church staff members think a guy like Jim Wallis is a great guest speaker because SBC schools are teaching the worldview of Wallis?

How dare they invite  someone who regularly attacks our Pure Doctrines and the Inerrancy of the  Bible. Rhology adds:

Errant, human Scripture. By which he no doubt means “the parts of Scripture that I baselessly believe are not errant”. As I’ve asked many times before (in this very combox, even), how is the Scripture any guide or authority when YOU decide the subset of what is to be followed and believed among the set of all its contents? He has never attempted to answer that.

Certainly we can’t allow those different than us in our midst or chaos and heresy may ensue. Certainly allowing people like Jim Wallis in our churches may cause people to esteem Jesus’ words and hold Him in higher regard than Paul, the Bible and the American Gospel—which is heresy. We Know that Brannon Howse believes that America is a Christian Nation born of God and that Todd Friel and Ray Comforts (Awesome) are  disciples of John MacArthur who write on Brannon’s site.  We also know that they give their disciples John MacArthur Study Bibles and that John MacArthur has said that America was born from the sin of rebellion and Satanic witchcraft based on Romans 13. These facts don’t matter for where Absolute Truth and Discernmentalism is concerned—hypocrisy is Lord.