Archive for the ‘Poster Boy!’ Category

Think Just Like Us Or Else:

January 31, 2011

Shocked: Phil Johnson turns on John MacArthur (but still remains a member at Grace Community Church)

December 22, 2010

In a shocking furor of Discernmentalism, Phil Johnson aka Hugh Jass turns against the Ways of the Master and his Overlord Saint John MacArthur. Note Phil Johnson’s attack:  
“He [James White] is (rightly) concerned about people who run too far with the notion of imploring sinners to be reconciled to God (2 Corinthians 5) and who imagine that this justifies the ridiculous imagery of God on his knees, begging sinners to have a relationship with Him. Remember: I already said I don’t like that aspect of the video, either.”
JOHN MACARTHUR has said: Yep, we are to beg them, be reconciled to God, as it says, though God were begging through you. That’s exactly the language there. As though God were begging through you, be reconciled to God, go into all the world, preach the gospel to every creature, make disciples of all the nations. We have the responsibility to take the gospel to the ends of the earth to every creature.” Discernmentalists:
“Notice that Saint John MacArthur not only believes that God is begging through us, but he believes that it is “exactly the language there” in 2 Cor. 5:20. He says the same thing about that verse [i.e. “literally, ‘begging them'”] in his article on “Having an Eternally Right Relationship with God,” in Think Biblically!: Recovering a Christian Worldview, ed. John MacArthur (Good News Publishers, 2003), 108. So, MacArthur is not merely saying that he believes God is begging sinners, but he believes the Apostle Paul himself uses that kind of language. If MacArthur is correct, then Phil Johnson has not only called MacArthur’s beliefs and imagery on this subject “ridiculous,” but he has also unwittingly implied that the Apostle Paul’s inspired language is “ridiculous” as well.
Not only that, but he has also, by implication, said that the imagery of Augustine, Hugh Latimer, Samuel Rutherford [Westminster divine], Thomas Manton, Sydrach Simpson [Westminster divine], Robert Harris [Westminster divine], Theophilus Gale, Isaac Ambrose, Stephen Charnock, John Flavel, Richard Sibbes, John Shower, William Gurnall, George Swinnock, Ralph Venning, Daniel Burgess, Samuel Willard, George Whitefield, Jonathan Edwards, Solomon Stoddard, Samuel Davies, Andrew Gray, Ralph Erskine, Charles Spurgeon, Thomas Chalmers, Walter Chantry and Erroll Hulse is also “ridiculous.” I have documented the exact words of all of these men HERE [click].”
Phil should be ashamed for attacking the only True Living Teacher of God’s Word of this century like that. We demand that Phil be disciplined by his church authorities or else face God’s Wrath.

Cat Glasses!

July 11, 2010

Wretched News exercising a test of the Sound Doctrines Detecting Tester of Locating Out of Order New Age Trends noted that anyone caught wearing “Cat Glasses” is suspect theologically. Reasons given are:

  1. Cat Glasses are synonymous with Catholics
  2. Catholics are semi-Pelagian quasi-Universalists
  3. Rob Bell, “Emergent guru” is also a semi-Pelagian quasi-Universalist
  4. Rob Bell wears Cat Glasses
  5. Rob Bell is also a heretic
  6. Therefore anyone caught wearing Cat Glasses is also suspect of being a heretic

Our logic is flawless who can argue against these points. We all must do whatever we can to take a stand and come against those who would dare wear Cat Glasses in our churches. Dr. Truthslayer my colleague in Discernmentalism adds that: “we support this kind of discernmentalism as absolute truth and so should you. We KNOW Rob is an emerging-liberal apostate…so anything we say or do (even if not factual) should still be accepted as truth.”

P. S. “Rob Bell is definitely not like Jesus” so you should never wear, imitate or do anything he does.

What Manner Of Calvinists Are You?

June 30, 2010

Dear Dr. Jobson,

I am a new follower of your site and the Online Discernmentalist Mafia… from what I’ve viewed so far I’m impressed but have a few quick questions for you:

Could you please tell me your standing on the 5 points of Calvinism? Do you believe in TULIP? The “Divines of Dort?” Just what manner of Calvinists are you and the rest of the crew of your fine d-i-s-s-e-r-n-m-e-n-t ministries?

Signed,

A concerned reader—I. R. Monkey

———————————————————————————————-

 

Dear I. R. Monkey,

We assure you by our eternally secured elect salvation that we are among the highest pedigree of Calvinists. We know that we are among the Regenerate Predestined Elect for whom God chose from the foundation of the world to send His son for and to limit His atonement for—all out of His good pleasure of course and all for His glory. You see our God the True God is a jealous and vain God who needs and doesn’t need humans at the same time—but He doesn’t need just any humans—He needs Divine Truth Warrior humans. He doesn’t need Arminians, Emergents and Catholics, etc. however.

This was why we were unable to resist His great wrath rape hate grace in electing us as Truth Warriors. We not only believe in the 5 points of Calvinism that John MacArthur and Ken Silva and all our other fellow ODMs hold to but we also believe in the 4 extra points of Calvinism that all ODMs hold in common as well though we are still 1 point behind Sharin’ Whiplash. We also believe in all 5 Solas alone so you see we are above and beyond your average Calvinist for we are True Bible-Based Calvinists. We only hope that you will one day come to unconditionally accept our Pure Doctrines and teachings as Absolute Truth. We also hope through your total inability that you unconditionally accept our conditions of repentance and belief lest you be among the unregenerate reprobated non-elect sinners chosen to bear God’s Absolute Sovereign Wrath in the “real place” that is hell. We hope that clears up where we stand.

In the wide mercy of His loving wrath,

Dr. Don Jobson

 

 

 

Fear AND Self-LOATHING on the INTERNET…

June 10, 2010

       

Our hero Ken Silva reprises his role in this sequel to the classic Fear And Loathing On The Internet. In this new film fresh off the conveyor belts of the GOIP DVD production lines—Ken begins lamenting the fact that there is  “a growing influence of Contemplative Spirituality/Mysticism (CSM) that has crept right into the timid heart of the squishy evanjellyfish church organism pretending to be a True Protestant community.”

Soon this lamenting turns into self-loathing followed by fear and then finally fear and self-loathing combined of which the title (Fear And Self-Loathing On The Internet) of the film is derived. Shortly in the film—in the midst of protesting against “the growing influence of Contemplative Spirituality/Mysticism (CSM)” in the church today— Ken experiences a computer crash but manages to send out this message through Discernmentalist Osmosis which is in the DNA of all True Discernmentalists:

Just a short note asking for prayer, particularly if you’ve been blessed by this online apologetics and discernment work, and making you aware that the hard drive in the main computer at here at Apprising Ministries has crashed. Fortunately back problems had forced me to do much of my work from a laptop so the loss of materials/information was lessened. Since our email program went through that now defunct main computer we no longer have access to it so we’ve begun a new email account: apprisingministries@gmail.com. We remain thankful you have been standing with Apprising Ministries through these 5+ years, and thank you for your prayer, as well as financial support as well. O, and the blessing; well, we’re still waiting to see what the Lord has in store through this little bit of a test as we try and rebuild our database.

Fearing for the worse Ken soon discovers that the evil Frank Viola and equally evil Leonard Sweet caused his hard drive to crash through their spiritually corrupt practice of Contemplative/Centering Prayer. Our film ends with Ken pledging to put his fear and self-loathing to good use as he vows to take revenge against Contemplative/Centering Prayer and the “sinfully-ecumenical” Purpose-Driven and Contemplative-driven Emerging/Emergent Church and “po-mo Christian” sinners in general by using big TRUTH WARRIOR words such as “gutless crybaby,” “spineless” and “sissified jellyfish” even more than he did in the first film or does now.

On a happier note Ken also reinstated his offer to make good on his vow to donate a “spine” and “Backbone”  to any apostate heretic that would repent and believe upon the Pure and True Gospel of John MacArthur’s Truth Wars™ and Biblical American values such as capitalism and war so that this film could have a happier ending than the first one.

Fear AND LOATHING on the INTERNET…

June 7, 2010

        

Ken Silva stars in this New inspirational film full of Truth War motivation in which our hero the Great Pastor-Teacher over a whole Internet congregation of wanna-be Discernmentalists and the Internet Church of The True Remnant (Ken) discernmentalizes the “sinfully-ecumenical quasi-mystical Roman Catholic and Eastern Orthodox-loving Evolutionary Third-Way Christian Pelagian Socialist and heretical Spirituality of the Emerging/Emergent Church and Emergence Christianity” by “Apprising” it.

Our film (Fear And Loathing On The Internet) opens with a montage of Ken protesting against apostates such as the “sinfully-ecumenical” Purpose-Driven and Contemplative-driven Emerging/Emergent Church and “po-mo Christian” sinners in general by using big TRUTH WARRIOR words such as “gutless crybaby,” “spineless” and “sissified jellyfish.” Later on under the influence of Ingrid of the former Slice of Laodicea, Ken begins to have visions (but not in a heretical Charismatic Pentecostal or Contemplative Spirituality/Lectio Divina-driven sort of way) after reading a Puritan mystic text and complains of hallucinating that Brian McLaren and Rob Bell are after him because of his Truth and Pure Doctrines. After that he vowed to donate a “spine” and “Backbone”  to any apostate heretic that would repent and believe upon the Gospel of John MacArthur’s Truth Wars™ and Biblical American values such as capitalism and war.

Realizing that none of the “spineless” “gutless” “sissified jellyfish” liberal sinners and Grace-hating man-loving apostates of the “sinfully-ecumenical quasi-Catholic and mystical Emerging/Emergent Church” that he had discernmentalized so far had changed their positions in the War on Truth for Truth yet, he decided the best tact was to unleash the Pure Gospel of our Angry Sovereign God’s Law and Wrath upon  sinners on them. Our film ends as the camera fades and we hear our Wise One and affectionate Uncle saying: “let’s hope that these spiritually bankrupt mainline emergence churches do…kill each other off…and go back home to Hell…”

Phil Johnson Takes A Stand against John Knox’s Church (yet still remains a good Calvinist)

June 7, 2010

”The typical Evangelical Church has become Weak and Womanly” says Phil Johnson.

In a slur of unbridled and irate self-righteous Discernmentalism, one of our fellow Truth Warriors said of Presbyterians:

I reminded you that Austin Presbyterian Theological Seminary is allegedly a seminary in the Presbyterian-Reformed tradition, which would have originally been against giving podcasts to apostates. Following is an illustration of the kind of “voice” that’s been given through the evil influence of the EC…

 In the real world, doctrines that contradict each other cannot all be true; they can all be false, but they cannot all be true. In addition, even though in today’s spiritually spineless visible church you won’t often hear this, both the Eastern Orthodox Church and the Roman Catholic Church are apostate forms of Christianity. And apparently in the PCUSA one can be a pastor and a universalist; welcome to the very near future of mainstream evangelicalism…

…let’s hope that these spiritually bankrupt mainline churches do…kill each other off…and go back home to Hell.

If that wasn’t bad enough just a few months ago Phil Johnson gave a discourse against “sissified” churches like John Knox’s church:

Phil, our inspirational motivator went on to say:

“Today’s evangelicals seem committed to keeping the church a soft, delicate, sissified environment.”

“Even the tone of the preacher has to be suited to the sewing circle”

“Have you ever thought carefully about what’s implied in just that term (seeker-sensitive)? It sounds like something a weak and frightened person thought up. Where does “seeker-sensitivity” fit into the biblical description of what the church should be. Answer: it doesn’t. It’s a typically effeminate trend.”

In all of those descriptions against those “skirt-wearing” Presbies who have even now begun to ordain gays sometimes against John MacArthur and Ken Silva’s clear Reformed teachings—do we detect a hint of “womanly” whining from Phil? Thankfully Phil saves his manhood by calling the “sissified” Church in general and “emasculated, weak and womanly skirt-wearing” Presbyterians in particular back to their “Absolute Biblical Fighting Fundamentalist Reformed Masculine Truth Warrior” roots:

Here’s the thing: manliness is not about bravado, and it’s not about boyishness. Going out into the woods with a bunch of other men, putting on war paint, making animal noises, telling scary stories around a campfire, and then working up a good cry might be good, visceral fun and all, but that has nothing to do with the biblical idea of manliness.

Real manliness is defined by Christlike character, and not just the Gentle-Jesus-meek-and-mild-style character, but the full-orbed fruit of the Spirit rounded out with strength, courage, conviction, strong passions, manly love, and a stout-hearted willingness to oppose error and fight for the truth—even to the point of laying down your life for the truth if necessary.

That’s what Scripture portrays as authentic manliness, and it’s the duty of every man in the church to be a model of that kind of manhood. Until men themselves stop listening to those who define manhood in terms of beer, stogies, and cage fighting; until Christian leaders quit fooling around with various tokens of artificial manhood; and until Christian men en masse seriously begin to cultivate real courage, conviction, and commitment to Christ and the gospel, the problem will persist.

We here agree with Phil Johnson (aka Hugh Jass) as it seems Presbyterians have gone off the True path that Calvin and Knox blazed over 500 years ago or so. In fact, many Presbyterians now accept Anabaptists/Baptists, believe that Servetus was a “hero of conscience” and tolerate Arminian heresy. Even the RCC has begun to state positive things about the Presbyterians and has begun the process of dialog with them! Or as the great Pastor-Teacher to the whole internet congregation of Discernmentalists, Ken Silva once noted:

The PCUSA has made its choice, along with the ELCA, Episcopal, American Baptist and other mainline denominational churches, taking a stand against the Word of God. In doing so, they have become apostate. Come out from them, separate from them, and join with Calvin, Luther and other reformers who have made a stand at risk of life and limb on the Word of God, trusting in God alone to be their Savior and protector.

This is why we all must come against this abomination of “effeminate and weak gutless-grace girliemen“ like “soft, delicate, sissified” skirt-wearing Presbyterians. Though we must wonder if Phil Johnson really thinks that ‘John Knox’s gospel is still his gospel.’

Ken Silva’s Emerging Hidden “Postmodern Fascist” Agenda

June 6, 2010

Said Mussolini, “If each age has its doctrine, the innumerable symptoms indicated that the doctrine of our age is the Fascist one.”[3] When Mussolini penned this sentence he did not have in mind the currently popular and historically ignorant definitions of Fascism that most people possess today…

What’s wrong with all of our Mighty Truth Warriors today? First our Research Robot Monkeys have caught Eric Barger drinking communistic coffee at a worldly Emergent coven. If that wasn’t bad enough, our Research Robot Monkeys have now caught our affectionate uncle in Discernmentalism Ken Silva subliminally supporting the “Postmodern Fascism of Emergents.”  Behold the horror of Ken Silva’s unconcious sin in all it’s Postmodern Fascist abomination:

We  had to place the red Swastika  on Uncle Ken’s original poster in all of it’s missiveness for clarity’s sake—just because you can’t see a Swastika in the original print doesn’t mean it’s not really there. It looks like a kinda Swastika sort of to begin with—so obviously Ken has subtly hidden it well in his meaningless arrows—but not well enough to get by us. As one of our valiant Research Robot Monkeys and mighty follower and fellow Discernmentalist of all that is Absolute  Biblical Truth noted upon first glimpsing Ken’s original poster:

In the real world, doctrines that contradict each other cannot all be true; they can all be false, but they cannot all be true. In addition, even though in today’s spiritually spineless visible church you won’t often hear this, both the Eastern Orthodox Church and the Roman Catholic Church are apostate forms of Christianity. And apparently in the PCUSA one can be a pastor and a universalist; welcome to the very near future of mainstream evangelicalism.

We agree as Ken Silva can’t be a True Truth Warrior Discernmentalist of Absolute Biblical Truth and secretly support “Postmodern Fascism” at the same time—for as our Truth Bible says: “Avoid all appearances of evil and worldliness except for when you’re fighting for Truth or playing basketball.”  This is why we had to Discernmentalize Ken and now must take a stand by taking a stand for Absolute Biblical Truth and why we all must come against this abomination.

Clear Politics

June 5, 2010

Thanks to the inspiration of Phil Johnsonhis Hugh Jass-ness himself—we’ve created our own line of Motivational Posters for all True Truth Warriors of the Truth War. We have to admit that ours our 100% more superior in every way to his as we are far more commited to John MacArthur’s Absolute Truth than he can ever hope to be.  We are 100% more dedicated to taking a self-righteous stand, lying, slandering,, ignorance, etc. True Discernmentalism than he is as well—so much so that we hold all to the Higher Standards of discernment that we have set over everyone. Anyways, enjoy one of the first fruits of our many HARD BIBLICAL TRUTHS labors…so submit to us and live…and remember also to submit to Reagan or else!