Archive for the ‘Pastorboy’ Category

Discernmentalists Declare: “Rob Bell Worse Than Bin Laden!”

May 3, 2011

(Newsweek)- Pastorboy aka (Name Withheld by Request) in a Press Conference today stated unequivocally and without reservation nor hesitation that he believes that the Truth War against Spiritual Terrorism has yet to be completed as long as Rob Bell is still alive–for he truly believes Rob Bell is worse than Bin Laden. Pastorboy aka (Name Withheld by Request) proves his case by quoting directly from the sinister and vile arch-heretic Rob Bell himself: “Rob Bell: Osama Bin Laden is in hell? Really? And you feel compelled to tell people this? I have to say that love wins, and this story is so much larger. Remember, Jesus painted blood on the doorposts of the universe and has reconciled ALL things to himself. Imagine the hell he has already experienced living in that one million dollar bunker on the border of Pakistan. Now that he is dead, he will be sure to choose Jesus. I am sure I will see him in the new creation someday.”

How dare anyone believe any one of America’s enemies make it to heaven! After-all, America’s enemies are God’s enemies and God’s enemies are all of America’s enemies. Todd Friel quoting from our Final Prophet John MacArthur (P. B. U. H.) has noted similar reservations–noting that we should rejoice in the destruction of America’s enemies with a commendable hatred and praise God that America’s enemies will roast in hell and thank our Sovereign God of Wrath for sparing American warlords the same fate by granting them get out of hell free cards.

Pastorboy aka (Name Withheld by Request) would agree and so do we–finally we offer you a stern word of loving wrath from our Final Prophet John MacArthur (P. B. U. H.): “Scripture presents a terrifyingly clear case for a literal hell. It’s a place where God punishes unbelievers for all eternity. Contrary to what some so-called evangelicals are teaching, hell is not a state of mind or a hard life on this earth. Your state of mind can change; your circumstances can improve. Hell never changes, never improves. Hell is not chastisement; it’s everlasting, insufferable punishment at the hands of an angry God.” This is why Rob Bell is worse than Bin Laden for even Bin Laden believed in a literal and “real place” called hell–praise our loving God of Sovereign Wrath to His Glory!

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Jerks For Jesus (Our Valued Patrons) Judgmentalize Japan

March 16, 2011

 

Did Japan deserve the tsunami, specifically, and the painful afterplay?  No way, no how.  Japan deserves far worse.  Japan is a pagan, idolatrous, perverted nation full of pagan, idolatrous, perverted people.  Perverted, pagan idolatry is sin, and sin must be punished.  God will not be patient with sin and sinners forever.  Comparably-minor judgments like these are mere foreshadowings and tastes of the judgment to come.  I believe that the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor was a sin as well, in and of itself, and as such deserves punishment and judgment.  Even if the attack were justified, it is impossible to argue that it was carried out with 100% pure motives and in 100% pure ways. —Rhoblogy

We are so proud of our faithful student Rhoblogy—why he is almost the judgmentalist that we are and we are twice the judgementalists than Ken Silva yet not quite the judgmentalists that Sharin’ Whiplash is. Rhoblogy is so astute in his judgmentalism that he sets standards that would even confound our great and affectionate Uncle the great and all-powerful Pastor-Teacher to the Internet congregation of the True Remnant himself.

We agree with Rhoblogy for as Todd Friel’s pal has said echoing John MacArthur’s Pure Truth War Doctrines©®™:

A simple reading of the Bible shows how God uses natural disasters to further his purposes. Earthquakes, floods, famine, locusts, etc. they’re all there, but man hates it. Rather than humbly acknowledging that God’s ways are not our ways, man rails against and accuses God. The last thing they will do is cry out for his mercy in Jesus Christ.

We also like Rhoblogy are no friends of sinners or the Japanese for as Al Mohler says: “God hates sin/sinners, and will punish both individual sinners and nations.”—therefore we also hate sickos, perverts, reprobate nations, sinners and people in general unless they are just like us or believe exactly like us in the same way that we do (except on rare occaisions when we must discernmentalize ourselves and other Discernmentalists).

Chris Rosebrough And Pirate Radio’s #1 Fan

June 11, 2010

                 

(Hitler listening to a Podcast of his favorite online radio station: Chris Rosebrough’s Pirate Christian Radio).

Many people today have a woefully limited understanding of the philosophical and political ideas that gave rise to Hitler. Most give little or no thought to the subject. It’s as if Hitler fell out of the sky or was a fluke of nature. Many simply dismiss the subject and think that Hitler was “just a madman” who hated Jews and thought the Aryan race was superior to every other race on the planet and he was tragically in a position that allowed him to act on those beliefs. But, few understand or remember that Hitler was a Fascist and that in the 1930’s, prior to World War II and the establishment of the concentration camps, the word “Fascism” had a definition and a meaning. Rather than being a fluke, Hitler was instead a true product of his time and his political ideas were the direct result of the philosophical, political, religious and economic ideas of the Völkish period.[2]

Recently it has been brought to our attention that several of our top GOIP Scientists have created another Time Machine in the vein of Eric Barger’s Re-Tardis and traveled back in time to Nazi Germany in order to bring back Hitler to our time. Once here in the present they convinced Hitler to listen to Chris Rosebrough’s Pirate Christian Radio which he promptly fell in love with so much so that Hitler proclaimed: ” Chris Rosebrough’s Pirate Christian Radio ist mein number ein favorite internet radioh stations.” Hitler recognized that Chris Rosebrough used some of the same tactics that he had used in his assault on Reason itself and his “Truth War” against Thinking Christians and his other enemies.

Hitler and  Chris Rosebrough swapped many tactics and drew up this list for all faithful Truth Warrior students of John MacArthur’s Truth Wars™ to study and learn to implement:

  1. Propaganda. Propaganda means everything—the more slanderous the propaganda the better.
  2. Label others often. After-all We need to make sure our enemies know their proper place. For example liberal is a particularly effective term to use against those who do not bow down before our Pure Doctrines.
  3. Hypocrisy. Hypocrisy covers a multitude of sins.
  4. If people don’t agree with you they are either: “a) too dumb to understand the Truth (but will probably comment on your self-righteous postings anyway); or b) would undergo a brain strain leading to a cerebral explosion of epic proportions — and you just can’t open yourself up to that liability.”
  5. Historical Revisionism. Revise history to suit your  agenda and presuppositions.
  6. Enforce  your beliefs on everyone for:  “Fascism also admits that myth is the proper tool to control the masses, and clear thinking and access to information is reserved for those in control. The single-party system of rule was designed to enforce the common myth through all levels of society and to suppress individualism in favor of the state’s goals.”
  7. True Christian Politics are Right-Wing politics. “Most people just can’t make the connection between post-modern/emergent theology and how they are inseparable from what is taking place politically.” Nevermind the fact that the Religious Right and their theology are also inseparable from the political scene.
  8. And some other secret tactics. But if we told you those we would probably have to kill you.

After only a day or so Hitler left to go back home to his own time and space but not without an iPod personalized by Chris Rosebrough himself complete with a lifetime supply of podcasts of his favorite online radio programing Pirate Christian Radio.

Terrorist Beard Alert System

May 6, 2010

Frequently we get questions about beards so our very own Dr. I. Todyaso wrote a award winning massive on the subject of Bible-Based Beards which gets hit up very often by those wanting to learn the Absolute Biblical Truth about beards. Recently however the question of terrorists’ beards came up so a few of our Research Robot Monkeys infiltrated secret terrorist bases deep in the mountain caves of Pakistan and elsewhere. Our Research Robot Monkeys with their perfected skills in discernmentalism came up with the above poster in order to better understand the phenomenon of terrorists’ beards.

You can never be too careful about these things for your next door neighbor might secretly be in league with the terrorists all based on the style of beard they wear. Aparrently terrorists dye their beards to expose their true colors and show you their thoughts, feelings and true intentions—but usually if you are close enough to see a suspected terrorist’s beard color by then it is too late. Never fear if you heed our warnings and advice we can help you expose a true terrorist’s beard from a fake terrorist’s beard and a Bible-Based Beard:

Step # 1: It’s all in the dye job but don’t get too close always observe a suspected terrorist’s beard from as far away as possible. Particularly using far-reaching telescopes, Research Robot Monkeys or GOIP Satellites helps in observing suspected terrorist’s beards from a distance.

Step # 2: If someone has a pet name for their beard they are most  likely a terrorist.

Step # 3: Use Bible-Based beard mite identifying scanners in order to scan where the suspected terrorist’s beard mites are from for if the beard mites are from anywhere near the vicinity of the Middle East then we have a match for terrorism.

Step # 4: Terrorists are tricky though and sometimes shave off their real beards and trade them in for fake beards if that happens it becomes tricky to identify them. In order to expose a suspected terrorist then you must discover where their fake beard comes from. If it is from anywhere other than America they are probably a terrorist.

Last, Bible-Based Beards  have already been explained by Dr. I. Todyaso so read his massive on them. Remember that we say all of this in the love of our God’s Absolute Sovereign Wrath in which we stand so heed all  of our precautions and remember as the Patron Saint of our Truth War John MacArthur says:

From the very beginning, the battle between good and evil has been a battle for the truth. The serpent, in the Garden of Eden, began his temptation by questioning the truthfulness of God’s previous instruction: “Indeed, has God said, ‘You shall not eat from any tree of the garden’? … “You surely shall not die! For God knows that in the day you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil” (Gen. 3:1,4–5). And this has been his tactic ever since—casting doubt on the straightforward revelation of God.

Throughout the centuries, this age-old war on truth has been repeatedly fought even within the church. The biblical writer Jude, for instance, faced such a situation when he wrote his epistle. Though he had wanted to write about the wonders of the common salvation that he shared with his readers, he was compelled instead to urge his readers to “contend earnestly for the faith which was once for all delivered to the saints” (v. 3). False teachers, like spiritual terrorists, had secretly crept into the church (v. 4). The lies they were spreading, like doctrinal hand grenades, were spiritually devastating. They were enemies of the truth, and Jude was compelled to expose and confront them.

Over the past few decades, the church in the United States has fought this very battle on several fronts. In the sixties and seventies, the doctrine of biblical inerrancy came under direct attack. The Bible, it was said, was full of errors, and thus could not be trusted as historically or scientifically accurate. In the eighties and nineties, the sufficiency of Scripture was targeted. The charismatic movement (with its need for additional revelation from God) and Christian psychology (with its emphasis on neo-Freudian counseling techniques) attempted to undermine the fact that God “has granted to us everything pertaining to life and godliness through the true knowledge of Him,” as revealed in Scripture (2 Pet. 1:3).

As the millennium drew to a close, the attack on God’s revealed truth came in a new way. This time the relevance of Scripture was the point of attack. Rather than being directly maligned, the Bible was quietly discarded by church leaders for whom biblical teaching was simply not a major priority. “The Seeker Movement,” more or less advocated limiting the presentation of divine truth to what unbelievers are willing to tolerate.

A new movement is now arising in and around evangelical circles. Now, it appears, the main object of attack will be the perspicuity of Scripture. Influenced by postmodern notions about language, meaning, subjectivity, and truth, many younger evangelicals are questioning whether the Word of God is clear enough to justify certainty or dogmatism on any point of doctrine. Ironically, this new movement more-or-less ignores all of the previous debates. Instead, its proponents are much more interested in dialogue and conversation. As a result, propositional truth (which tends to end dialogue rather than start it) is scorned and rebuffed as an outmoded vestige of twentieth-century modernism.

This movement is very diverse and still developing, but it is generally referred to as “the Emerging Church.

A terrorist just may be hiding out in your church but now thanks to our impeccable researchmentalism you know how to expose them.

All Theological Roads Lead Back To Rome?

February 21, 2010

Sharin’ Whiplash aka Non-Electgal in an UnReformed and Deformed moment stated:

Anabaptists, Reformed/Presbyterians, Lutherans, and Anglicans are 4 separate branches with separate traditions. All four branches are Reformed from Roman Catholicism in the broad sense of the term.

Clearly she might be one of the unregenerate reprobates decieved into believing that she is Truly Elect or Secured in her Reprobation for as we know Calvinism has  nothing to do with “Roman Arminianism or Roman Catholicism that man-exalting heresy!” And we don’t exalt man especially not Calvin—We Know! Why—because We told ya so! Or maybe Sharin’ has contracted the same Postmodern and Emergence virus that Ken Silva has contracted?

John Wesley Admits That He Is An Agent Of Satan Sent To Destroy The Pure Gospel Of God’s Wrath

February 19, 2010

The following is an excerpt from a letter from John to his brother Charles in June 1766:

In one of my last {letters}I was saying I do not feel the wrath of God abiding on me; nor can I believe it does. And yet (this is the mystery) [I do not love God. I never did.] Therefore [I never] believed in the Christian sense of the word. Therefore [I am only an] honest heathen, a proselyte of the Temple, one of the God-fearers.”

“And yet, to be so employed of God! And so hedged in that I can neither get forward nor backward! Surely there was never such an instance before, from the beginning of the world! If I ever have had that faith, it would not be so strange. But I never had any other evidence of the eternal or invisible world than I have now; and that is none at all, unless such as faintly shines from reason’s glimmering ray. I have no direct witness [I do not say, that I am a child of God, but] of anything invisible or eternal.”

And yet I dare not preach otherwise than I do, either concerning faith, or love, or justification, or perfection. And yet I find rather an increase than a decrease of zeal for the whole work of God and every part of it. I am borne along, I know not how, that I can’t stand still. I want all the world to come to what I do not know.” [quoted in Stephen Tomkins, John Wesley, A Biography (Oxford: Lion Publishing, 2003), p. 168 – The bracketed material was written in shorthand which meant that it was for Charles’ eyes only]

Discernmentalists we ask you this:  Wasn’t Wesley supposedly “converted” at the hearing of a sermon by Luther being read? Do you think Luther proclaimed the true gospel? We Know Luther was a closest Papist…We also Know that John Wesley taught false doctrine. Of course this will cause fears and doubts within a man… Heresy is a disqualifying sin and those who teach such will not inherit the kingdom of God. We Know this confirms the evil man-centeredness of Arminianism. Shouldn’t we then imprison  all Wesleyans as the criminal reprobates that they are? Or at least ban them from our Pure Churches? Remember also the Pure Gospel based words of Sharin’ Whiplash

John Calvin and John Knox are some of my all-time heroes of the faith. What great men, and greatly used of God to execute and slaughter supposed heretics. Thank You, Lord, for Your servants, Jean Cauvin and John Knox, without whom we would be still struggling in the darkness of Roman Arminianism, that man-exalting heresy, being Christ-like and bearing the Fruits of the Spirit. Thank you for exempting them from the sin of murderous genocide or else more error would’ve spread to corrupt our Pure Doctrines. Too bad no one was around to slaughter those man-exalting heretics:  Luther, Arminius,  Smythe and Helwys and Wesley when they had the chance then their errors too would be silenced today—so that we’d have a Truly Pure Church teaching only the Sound Doctrines of God’s Wrath and hate towards 99.9% of all humanity from the foundation of the world.