Archive for the ‘Orthodox Doctrine of the Holy Pooping’ Category

Eradicate Popish-Pagan Holidays In America!

December 23, 2011

Our Pilgrim forefathers considered Christmas a display of “popish” extravagance inspired by Satan, and not without some justification. Until the 19th century Christmas was usually celebrated by drunken riots. The city council of New York finally voted to pay for a special uniformed Christmas day police force after a particularly deadly Christmas evening riot in 1828. But that didn’t stop a repeat in 1851 when the New York Tribune noted the “…musketry and firecrackers, the bacchanal songs and noisy revels, which for two hours after midnight made sleep not a thing to be dreamed of.”

Typical members of the Whore of Babylon (Romish Arminianist Satan-worshipers) trying to defend their unholy, ungodly and unbiblical Hell-a-day from True Bible-Believers:

We also believe that Christmas celebrates Satan and the birth of the anti-Christ like our Puritan ancestors—and you should too [believe that Christ-mass is the most Satanic time of the year under Ishtar (Easter)] as one of our top key Researchmentalists Sharon M. Whitley always says: “Btw, if you want to see a large, lavish Christmas display in a mall… go to Dubai in the UAE! Many countries that are not Christian celebrate this holiday. That right there should tell Christians it’s not of God!”

Now go out and make this Season a non-Pagan Holy Day by spending more of  your hard-earned cash on us. We require your tithes in a non-gift-giving way—buy our stuff like our new Rapture kit. Capitalism is how you can truly redeem this satanic Popish-Pagan season from idolatrous blasphemous Romish Arminianist filth for Capitalism is what makes America truly Holy and great as Capitalism is Biblical!  And your hard-earned money which you must tithe to us helps keep fine quality Discernmentalist websites like this one up and running.

New Quick And Painless Way

June 27, 2011

To Remove Jesus From Your Heart:

Have you ever asked Jesus into your heart? What about accepting Jesus as the Lord and Savior of your life? Or receiving Jesus to fill your God-shaped hole? Is Jesus more important to you than any other religious leader? If you answered yes to any of the following—congratulations you’re not even a Real and True Christian and most likely worship Satan, the Pope or Mary as your dark lord and master a False Convert.

If you have found that you were rated a False Convert—never fear Todd Friel with Brannon Howse’s help have introduced a new quick and pain-free way to reverse your status and make sure that you become a True Convert this time around. Introducing the new surgical procedure to surgically remove Jesus from False Converts’ hearts: Operation JesuScopic Surgery! Why let Jesus fool around in your heart when you can have your heart filled with the Puritan Hard Drive (PHD)—now with twice the amount of John Owen’s fatalistic arrogance!

God’s Only Inerrant Party: Or Postmodern Fascists…

May 31, 2010

Said Drucker, “Fascism, however, goes much further in its negation of the past than any earlier political movement, because it makes this negation its main platform. What is even more important, it denies simultaneously ideas and tendencies which are in themselves antithetic. It is antiliberal, but also anticonservative; antireligious and antiatheist, anticapitalist and antisocialist…—the list could be continued indefinitely.”[9]

We Discernmentalists believe in Fascism all the way as we define ourselves solely by what we take a stand against instead of what we are for. We all take a self-righteous stand in God’s Absolute Sovereign Wrath when we spread lies, slander and misinformation come down negatively against the following: liberals, liberalism, liberal conservatives, conservative liberals, conservatives who don’t believe exactly as we do, libertarian conservatism, libertarians, other religions, religious persons of other religious groups, other Christians, non-Christian groups, non-Calvinist Christian groups, all non-Calvinists, other Calvinists, atheists, social justice, the Social Gospel, socialism, communism, true capitalism, etc.— the list could be continued indefinitely.

We are reactionary to the tee as we overreact and protest against anything that we can’t understand or that we personally dislike. Why bother to learn from those that we disagree with as we are by nature born correct, inerrant and always Right being of the Chosen and Frozen Master Religious Race (Calvinazis) so that those with whom we disagree are by default already and automatically decreed and declared always wrong from the foundation of the world.

The New World Order Book Encyclopedia of Discernmentalism defines Fascism as follows:

– an Extreme Ultra Radical Right-Wing religio-politico philosophy bent on total totalitarian control of the Church and the State

– the underlying philosophy of our Religious Right (God’s Only Inerrant Party)

– The Conservative Political Platform of Ronald Reagan

– Brannon Howse’s favorite Discernmentalist tool

– Chris Rosebrough and Pirate Radio

– Ken Silva’s  secret agenda

– John MacArthur’s no-Grace Community Church

“Fascist totalitarianism has no positive theology, but confines itself to refuting, fighting and denying all traditional ideas and ideologies…Fascism not only refutes all old ideas but denies, for the first time in European history, the foundation on which all former political and social systems had been built…”[5]

 

Other links of interest on Fascism:

Jan Markell Caught With An Unbiblical Pet

May 5, 2010

We Know that the Bible and not Jesus is the whole point of Christianity. We also Know that to maintain Biblical integrity one must live by the Absolute infallible and inerrant standard of our interpretation of the Bible. The Bible is literal in all aspects of it’s Absolute Truth and is the direct dictation of God to us. This is why we must live wholly and solely by the Bible and not Jesus as Todd Friel (Wretched) always says which is why when our Research Robot Monkeys caught Jan Markell with a cat we were concerned.

Why is this such a big concern you may ask? Why for one thing cats are unbiblical. Yeah that’s right cats are unbiblical as cats do not appear anywhere in the Bible. Dogs however do. Secondly if God wanted us to have cats as pets, He would have commanded it in His Holy Inerrant and Infallible Word—our Absolute Divine Authority. Last but not least, cats have origins in false religions like the dark and Satanic cults of Ancient Egypt who worshipped cats. Black cats are especially ungodly and unholy:

Black cats have religious origins as well. Black cats were considered to be reincarnated beings with the ability to divine the future. During the Middle Ages it was believed that witches could turn themselves into black cats. Thus when such a cat was seen, it was considered to be a witch in disguise.

For someone who prides herself on Absolute Biblical Certainty and Absolute Biblical Correctness, you would think that Jan would own a  Biblically correct pet. Repent Jan for the End is nigh.

New Bible-Based Laxative

April 19, 2010

Finally a colon cleanser fit to relieve the bowels of God’s Holy Predestined Elect introducing PoopraCrapsarian Laxatives. Every PoopraCrapsarian tablet is made by the most natural and Biblical of ingredients based on the Levetical Dietary Laws of keeping Kosher.  All PoopraCrapsarian tablets contain the Absolute Decrees of God so remember PoopraCrapsarian Laxatives for all your colon cleansing needs—good only for the fatallistically predetermined voiding of bowels.

Warning PoopraCrapsarian Laxatives are only good enough for the Truly Predestined Elect of God—the True Converts. Side effects may include but are not limited to: bloating, upset stomach, diaherrea, arrogance, extreme Capitalism, anti-Catholic bigotry, a feeling of religious supremacy over those who disagree with you, elitism, aversion to religious objects, the need to burn heretics at the stake, love of war and torture, condescension and other  side effects. False Converts, unregenerate reprobates and heathens need not apply as they have already been  fatallistically predetermined by God to suffer the wrath of eternal bowel discomfort from the foundation of the world.

All Theological Roads Lead Back To Rome?

February 21, 2010

Sharin’ Whiplash aka Non-Electgal in an UnReformed and Deformed moment stated:

Anabaptists, Reformed/Presbyterians, Lutherans, and Anglicans are 4 separate branches with separate traditions. All four branches are Reformed from Roman Catholicism in the broad sense of the term.

Clearly she might be one of the unregenerate reprobates decieved into believing that she is Truly Elect or Secured in her Reprobation for as we know Calvinism has  nothing to do with “Roman Arminianism or Roman Catholicism that man-exalting heresy!” And we don’t exalt man especially not Calvin—We Know! Why—because We told ya so! Or maybe Sharin’ has contracted the same Postmodern and Emergence virus that Ken Silva has contracted?

Ken Silva Contracts A Rare Emergent Virus

February 21, 2010

Yesterday Ken Silva contracted the rare hideous and disfiguring Emergent virus: Calvini sincerus doxolatroum vitare. This caused him to attack God’s Absolute Sovereignty and utter such an unReformed statement as this:

WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR UNLEASHING THE EMERGING CHURCH VIRUS EMBED CODE?

We Know who is responsible and the Pure Reformed answer is:

God from all eternity, did, by the most wise and holy counsel of His own will, freely, and unchangeably ordain whatsoever comes to pass yet so, as thereby neither is God the author of sin, nor is violence offered to the will of the creatures; nor is the liberty or contingency of second causes taken away, but rather established.
Westminster Larger Catechism Q3

That means that God is responsible and the One who caused from the Foundation of the World the UNLEASHING of  THE EMERGING CHURCH VIRUS which Ken Silva contracted. We all are now praying for Ken Silva to be healed and get well from such a dark and reprobated illness so that he can return to his ole Deformed Purely Reformed, Emergent-bashing and Discernmentalist self.

Shocked: Spurgeon Had A False Conversion—We Know So!

February 20, 2010

Recently our Research Robot Monkeys have come upon new and startling information concerning Charles Spurgeon (Holy Warrior). We have found that Spurgeon had a False Conversion—we are truly disappointed in this finding. Here follows an account of  Spurgeon’s False Conversion:

Spurgeon’s conversion to Christianity came on January 6, 1850, at age fifteen. On his way to a scheduled appointment, a snow storm forced him to cut short his intended journey and to turn into a Primitive Methodist chapel in Colchester where “God opened his heart to the salvation message.” The text that moved him was Isaiah 45:22 – “Look unto me, and be ye saved, all the ends of the earth, for I am God, and there is none else.”

Methodists teach Grace-hating Man-loving Arminianism, Decisional Regeneration and Free-Willism which are all errors. See  there this is proof of his False Conversion—We Know so! Charles Spurgeon (Holy Warrior) even admits by his own Free-Will he made a Decision for Christ rather than being Regenerated by the preaching of the Pure Gospel of God’s Sovereign Wrath:

I do from my soul confess that I never was satisfied till I came to Christ; when was yet a child, I had far more wretchedness than ever I have now; I will even add, more weariness, more care, more heart-ache than I know at this day. I may be singular in this confession, but I make it, and know it to be the truth. Since that dear hour when my soul cast itself on Jesus, I have found solid joy and peace; but before that, all those supposed gaieties of early youth, all the imagined ease and joy of boyhood, were but vanity and vexation of spirit to me. . That happy day, when I found the Saviour, and learned to cling to His dear feet, was a day never to be forgotten by me. An obscure child, unknown, unheard of, I listened to the Word of God; and that precious text led me to the cross of Christ. I can testify that the joy of that day was utterly indescribable. I could have leaped, I could have danced; there was no expression, however fanatical, which would have been out of keeping with the joy of my spirit at that hour. Many days of Christian experience have passed since then, but there has never been one which has had the full exhilaration, the sparkling delight which that first day had. I thought I could have sprung from the seat on which I sat, and have called out with the wildest of those Methodist brethren who were present, “I am forgiven! I am forgiven! A monument of grace! A sinner saved by blood! “My spirit saw its chains broken to pieces, I felt that I was an emancipated soul, an heir of Heaven, a forgiven one, accepted in Christ Jesus, plucked out of the miry clay and out of the horrible pit, with my feet set upon a rock, and my goings established. I thought I could dance all the way home. I could understand what John Bunyan meant, when he declared he wanted to tell the crows on the ploughed land all about his conversion. He was too full to hold, he felt he must tell somebody.

Sheer blasphemy—we are mortified beyond words! We are now praying that Todd Friel (Wretched), Ray Comforts (Awesome) and Kirk Cameron (Awesome Actor) drop all their associational ties with the works of this False Convert.

P. S. Also we are not too pleased with Spurgeon’s teachings against the Pure Reformed Doctrines and clear teachings of Calvin on Infant Baptism and also likewise with John Piper (Soft On Heretics)’s teaching against the Pure Baptism Doctrines of Calvin as well.

And remember these words of Absolute Truth from Sharin’ Whiplash:

Certainly Credobaptism is evil since it promotes confusion this is why I Thank You, Lord, for Your servant, Jean Cauvin, without whom we would be still struggling in the darkness of Credobaptism, that man-exalting heresy! Besides Immersion sounds too much like the heresy of Emergent/Emerging or Emergence Christianity.

Coca-Cola Drinking Christians: Neo-Marxism In The Church?

February 16, 2010

In many churches and their buildings you may find red Coke machines. This is wrong as red is an evil color. Red is the color of communism, Satan and Leftist Christians or so-called Christians that want to mute the words of Paul and other writers and only follow Jesus’ words. They call themselves “red-letter Christians.”
 

 They feel it is convenient to blot out the words of Paul on homosexuality and focus in on the good deeds Jesus talks about. Most are pacifists who reject an “eye for an eye” (Leviticus 24:19-20). They focus on Jesus’ words about helping the poor, ministering to “the least of these” (Matthew 25:40), loving our enemies, etc. That justifies abandoning hundreds, even thousands of condemning verses in the Bible they choose to wish away. That makes homosexuality OK and war wrong! And remember, Paul and the others in the Bible represent Jesus’ words. They were His spokesmen. Some who believe this way practice a form of neo-Marxism and others would call it “Christian Marxism” — an oxymoron if there ever was one. They note that the early church shared everything (socialism).  A close cousin to this is “liberation theology.”
 
Those who are high profile in this movement include Jim Wallis, Tony Campolo, Brian McLaren and his Emergent bunch, and the National Council of Churches. Jim Wallis says, “In those red letters, Jesus calls us away from the consumerist values that dominate contemporary American consciousness.”  Translate that to mean he loathes capitalism and opts for socialism and/or communism. We believe the proportion of Coke drinking Christians is equal if not higher than the proportion of Emergent and Red Letter Christians. We believe these things have to do with eachother.

 

Coke use to contain trace amounts of cocaine within it—who is to say they have really removed all the traces of cocaine from their “secret formula.” Anything secret sounds fishy to us—sounds New Agey and  New World Orderish to us as well—in fact, We Know that The Coca-Cola Company is a Global company and globalism is one way in which the New World Order/One World Secret Religious Mystery Babylon Government operates. Could it be that drinking Coke leads to Christians becoming Emergent and Red Letter Christians? Our Research Robot Monkeys have investigated these links further—here are their findings:

We Know that Emergent churches are into being relevant and making a point by incorporating secular and worldly pop culture into their theology. We also Know that Coke is a modern icon idol of secular and worldly pop culture. In many churches and their buildings you may find red Coke machines—many of these churches support the “Seeker-Sensitive” movement—they feel the need to cater to the needs of Coke drinkers everywhere regardless of whether or not they are regenerated True converts or unregenerate reprobated False converts. Red is also a popular color of Kool-Aid which Leftist Liberals love to drink therefore since we have reason to believe that cocaine is still part of Coca-Cola’s “secret formula” and liebrals want to legalize all sorts of drugs—Coke is a way to brainwash the masses in church to communism and the false gospel of social action and social change aka the Social Gospel which is just disguised socialism in Christian dressing.

We are appalled as Coca-Cola Drinking (Red-letter/Emergent) Christians join the chorus of those who believe in a utopia with no wanting or war. Yes, that will come someday, but not the way they think. This could come as a shock to them just because they have little to no regard for other parts of the Bible. They have almost created a new meaning for the term “biblical illiteracy.” 

It is tragic that these folks are frequently called “the evangelical Left.” They don’t have even 1% of evangelical theology in a single bone in their body. They cherry- pick the verses they like, almost exclusively the red letters of Jesus. It is also a great tragedy that we’ve allowed Coca-Cola products into our churches knowing how they are agents of the New World Order/One World Secret Religious Mystery Babylon Government opposing our Pure Bible-based Doctrines of wrath, hate, war, torture, greed, exploitation and Capitalism.

Contemplative Prayer Destroying America And The Church

November 28, 2009

Evil Emergents believe in Contemplative Prayer. Contemplative  Prayer was invented by Hindus and Papists. Romanists/Papists, Hindus and Muslims are of the devil and are members of the Synagogues of Satan. Barak Obama is a Muslim and the  political anti-Christ. Evil Emergents voted for Obama therefore Contemplative Prayer is destroying America and the Church:

Our excellent discernmentalist and researchmentalist skills which God gifted us with Himself have led  us to conclude these Absolute Truth facts—so if you are anything like us (Elect of God, regenerate, American, Ultra Right Wing Conservative Fundamentalist Calvinist Republicans, warmongers, capitalist materialists, non-Marxists, Saved, inerrant, etc.),  you should avoid Contemplative Prayer like the plague. And if you are an Evil Emergent then all we have to say to you is Repent that is if God lets you repent—because We Know with Absolute Certainty that you Emergents are of the non-Elect, unregenerate, anti-American, Arminian, Neo-Marxist, socialist, communist, anti-capitalists, reprobated and unsaved—because of your impure doctrines. Afterall, God only listens to Imprecatory Prayers   which we are praying against  you Emergents right now—and the only meditation one needs is on the Holy Inerrant Infallible Word Of God—the King James Bible AV1611.