Archive for the ‘methane gas’ Category

Everything is the Other Side’s Fault…

August 3, 2019

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The newest product from Blame & Shame Co (a division of GOIP Industries)—the Hate Radio Hat comes pre-set with a filter that automatically pre-tunes to the wearer’s personal biases. Dividing and conquering has never been easier for the Discernmentalist on the hunt for enemies. Now you’ll be able to find heresy where there is none. Turn any conservative quote into a racist one and any liberal quote into a socialist one. In example—of course Democrats are the only ones who would burn a church like Jered Ragon (founder of Abolish Human Abortion). We also have discernmentalized that Left-wing terrorism (responsible for 23 deaths between 1992-2017) is more violent than Right-wing terrorism (responsible for 217 between 1992-2017). Peace is heresy and warmongering is blessed. Being right and certain in our beliefs is more important than truth. So believe what we tell you because we told ya so.

Phil Johnson And Hugh Jass Film Productions Present…

August 5, 2010

Not to be outdone by Discovery Channel’s Shark  Week’s ratings grabs, Phil Johnson and Hugh Jass Film Productions cash-in with the newest Summer Blockbuster Discernmentalist hit: Attack OF The SEMI-PELAGIANS starring the United Methodist Church. The creatures known as Semi-Pelagians are semi-aquatic animals that are half Augustinian and half Pelagian and are mostly found in Arminian churches most notably the United Methodist Church. The Semi-Pelagians soon begin revolting and attacking the semi-Donatist faith of Discernmentalism prompting our hero Phil Johnson aka Pastor Hugh Jass and his loyal crew to discernmentalize them. Attack OF The SEMI-PELAGIANS: coming soon to a Discernmentalist TV station near you!

Introducing The New Standard ODM Reformed Rating Meter

June 11, 2010

So how well do you rate on our Reformed Rating Scale?

Various Levels of Reformedness (not in order according to degree)

AR – Almost Reformed (has only heard of R. C. Sproul)
BR – Barely Reformed (has heard of R. C. Sproul and thought about buying some of his tapes)
CR – Critically Reformed (more negative than John MacArthur on the Charasmatic movement)
DR – Doubtfully Reformed (only attends this church for the music)
ER – Errantly Reformed (a Four Point Calvinist)
FR – Fantastically Reformed (owns a set of Calvin’s Commentaries)
GR – Grossly Reformed (the kid you would want your daughter to date but not marry)
HR – Hopefully Reformed (the kid you would want your daughter to marry for his money but you would keep his name on your prayer list)
IR – Incredibly Reformed (even the Session doesn’t believe half of what this guy believes)
LR – Loudly Reformed (maybe right, maybe wrong, but never in doubt)
MR – Mostly Reformed (watches football on Sunday afternoons with the family and reviews the Shorter Catechism during halftime)
NR – Newly Reformed (has recently begun attending a Reformed church and has had to buy a new bookshelf for all the additional reading material)
PR – Possibly Reformed (spoke up once at Bible Church and told to try the PCA)
SR – Staunchly Reformed (can quote limited sections of the Shorter Catechism and the Confession of Faith)
TR – Truly Reformed (has memorized the entire Shorter Catechism and can quote the Confession of Faith by chapter and section)

New Bible-Based Laxative

April 19, 2010

Finally a colon cleanser fit to relieve the bowels of God’s Holy Predestined Elect introducing PoopraCrapsarian Laxatives. Every PoopraCrapsarian tablet is made by the most natural and Biblical of ingredients based on the Levetical Dietary Laws of keeping Kosher.  All PoopraCrapsarian tablets contain the Absolute Decrees of God so remember PoopraCrapsarian Laxatives for all your colon cleansing needs—good only for the fatallistically predetermined voiding of bowels.

Warning PoopraCrapsarian Laxatives are only good enough for the Truly Predestined Elect of God—the True Converts. Side effects may include but are not limited to: bloating, upset stomach, diaherrea, arrogance, extreme Capitalism, anti-Catholic bigotry, a feeling of religious supremacy over those who disagree with you, elitism, aversion to religious objects, the need to burn heretics at the stake, love of war and torture, condescension and other  side effects. False Converts, unregenerate reprobates and heathens need not apply as they have already been  fatallistically predetermined by God to suffer the wrath of eternal bowel discomfort from the foundation of the world.

Obama And The New World Order Exposed

March 2, 2010

            

Discernmentalists we have exposed Obama‘s secret New World Order plans—thanks to Eric Barger and Brannon Howse. We have reason to believe that he may cause the end of the world in 2012 because We Know he is on Satan’s side. One of our Secret Research Robot Monkey Agents that infiltrated secret New World Order locations has concluded that:

President-Elect Barack Obama and his Liberal, Socialist Democratic Party are facilitators of the New World Order, a Luciferic Theocracy being promoted by The UNITED NATIONS, which is Anti-Israel and seeks the Disarmament of America and the restriction of many of our rights.
Beyond the wickedness that Obama and his Democrats have planned for America (A VIRTUAL POLICE STATE), Obama will turn against Israel as his U.N. based foreign policy favors Muslim Terrorists such as Hamas.
OBAMA in power will force ISRAEL to attack Iran’s nuclear weapons program (2009-2010 AD) triggering waves of terror attacks against USA and the west, the collapse of the USA stock market- leading to the FIRST OF TWO RAPTURES and the Start of The Tribulation.
Only a major EARTHQUAKE hitting Iran and destroying their nuclear program would stop Israel from attacking Iran’s nuclear program (2009-2010 AD). Israel will have no choice with OBAMA as President of The United States (with his Anti-Israel Agenda). If this major EARTHQUAKE does hit Iran, It will push the start of The Apocalypse closer to 2012 AD,THE MAYAN YEAR FOR DOOMSDAY AND THE COMING OF ANTICHRIST AS THE SAVIOR OF WORLD.”
 
 

 

Here is an exclusive video recovered by our Research Robot Monkeys detailing Obama’s plans for a Secret One World Religious Government:

Remember to let us do the thinking for you—so spread the fear and hate, because we told you so.

 

All Theological Roads Lead Back To Rome?

February 21, 2010

Sharin’ Whiplash aka Non-Electgal in an UnReformed and Deformed moment stated:

Anabaptists, Reformed/Presbyterians, Lutherans, and Anglicans are 4 separate branches with separate traditions. All four branches are Reformed from Roman Catholicism in the broad sense of the term.

Clearly she might be one of the unregenerate reprobates decieved into believing that she is Truly Elect or Secured in her Reprobation for as we know Calvinism has  nothing to do with “Roman Arminianism or Roman Catholicism that man-exalting heresy!” And we don’t exalt man especially not Calvin—We Know! Why—because We told ya so! Or maybe Sharin’ has contracted the same Postmodern and Emergence virus that Ken Silva has contracted?

Ken Silva Contracts A Rare Emergent Virus

February 21, 2010

Yesterday Ken Silva contracted the rare hideous and disfiguring Emergent virus: Calvini sincerus doxolatroum vitare. This caused him to attack God’s Absolute Sovereignty and utter such an unReformed statement as this:

WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR UNLEASHING THE EMERGING CHURCH VIRUS EMBED CODE?

We Know who is responsible and the Pure Reformed answer is:

God from all eternity, did, by the most wise and holy counsel of His own will, freely, and unchangeably ordain whatsoever comes to pass yet so, as thereby neither is God the author of sin, nor is violence offered to the will of the creatures; nor is the liberty or contingency of second causes taken away, but rather established.
Westminster Larger Catechism Q3

That means that God is responsible and the One who caused from the Foundation of the World the UNLEASHING of  THE EMERGING CHURCH VIRUS which Ken Silva contracted. We all are now praying for Ken Silva to be healed and get well from such a dark and reprobated illness so that he can return to his ole Deformed Purely Reformed, Emergent-bashing and Discernmentalist self.

Shocked: Spurgeon Had A False Conversion—We Know So!

February 20, 2010

Recently our Research Robot Monkeys have come upon new and startling information concerning Charles Spurgeon (Holy Warrior). We have found that Spurgeon had a False Conversion—we are truly disappointed in this finding. Here follows an account of  Spurgeon’s False Conversion:

Spurgeon’s conversion to Christianity came on January 6, 1850, at age fifteen. On his way to a scheduled appointment, a snow storm forced him to cut short his intended journey and to turn into a Primitive Methodist chapel in Colchester where “God opened his heart to the salvation message.” The text that moved him was Isaiah 45:22 – “Look unto me, and be ye saved, all the ends of the earth, for I am God, and there is none else.”

Methodists teach Grace-hating Man-loving Arminianism, Decisional Regeneration and Free-Willism which are all errors. See  there this is proof of his False Conversion—We Know so! Charles Spurgeon (Holy Warrior) even admits by his own Free-Will he made a Decision for Christ rather than being Regenerated by the preaching of the Pure Gospel of God’s Sovereign Wrath:

I do from my soul confess that I never was satisfied till I came to Christ; when was yet a child, I had far more wretchedness than ever I have now; I will even add, more weariness, more care, more heart-ache than I know at this day. I may be singular in this confession, but I make it, and know it to be the truth. Since that dear hour when my soul cast itself on Jesus, I have found solid joy and peace; but before that, all those supposed gaieties of early youth, all the imagined ease and joy of boyhood, were but vanity and vexation of spirit to me. . That happy day, when I found the Saviour, and learned to cling to His dear feet, was a day never to be forgotten by me. An obscure child, unknown, unheard of, I listened to the Word of God; and that precious text led me to the cross of Christ. I can testify that the joy of that day was utterly indescribable. I could have leaped, I could have danced; there was no expression, however fanatical, which would have been out of keeping with the joy of my spirit at that hour. Many days of Christian experience have passed since then, but there has never been one which has had the full exhilaration, the sparkling delight which that first day had. I thought I could have sprung from the seat on which I sat, and have called out with the wildest of those Methodist brethren who were present, “I am forgiven! I am forgiven! A monument of grace! A sinner saved by blood! “My spirit saw its chains broken to pieces, I felt that I was an emancipated soul, an heir of Heaven, a forgiven one, accepted in Christ Jesus, plucked out of the miry clay and out of the horrible pit, with my feet set upon a rock, and my goings established. I thought I could dance all the way home. I could understand what John Bunyan meant, when he declared he wanted to tell the crows on the ploughed land all about his conversion. He was too full to hold, he felt he must tell somebody.

Sheer blasphemy—we are mortified beyond words! We are now praying that Todd Friel (Wretched), Ray Comforts (Awesome) and Kirk Cameron (Awesome Actor) drop all their associational ties with the works of this False Convert.

P. S. Also we are not too pleased with Spurgeon’s teachings against the Pure Reformed Doctrines and clear teachings of Calvin on Infant Baptism and also likewise with John Piper (Soft On Heretics)’s teaching against the Pure Baptism Doctrines of Calvin as well.

And remember these words of Absolute Truth from Sharin’ Whiplash:

Certainly Credobaptism is evil since it promotes confusion this is why I Thank You, Lord, for Your servant, Jean Cauvin, without whom we would be still struggling in the darkness of Credobaptism, that man-exalting heresy! Besides Immersion sounds too much like the heresy of Emergent/Emerging or Emergence Christianity.

John Wesley Admits That He Is An Agent Of Satan Sent To Destroy The Pure Gospel Of God’s Wrath

February 19, 2010

The following is an excerpt from a letter from John to his brother Charles in June 1766:

In one of my last {letters}I was saying I do not feel the wrath of God abiding on me; nor can I believe it does. And yet (this is the mystery) [I do not love God. I never did.] Therefore [I never] believed in the Christian sense of the word. Therefore [I am only an] honest heathen, a proselyte of the Temple, one of the God-fearers.”

“And yet, to be so employed of God! And so hedged in that I can neither get forward nor backward! Surely there was never such an instance before, from the beginning of the world! If I ever have had that faith, it would not be so strange. But I never had any other evidence of the eternal or invisible world than I have now; and that is none at all, unless such as faintly shines from reason’s glimmering ray. I have no direct witness [I do not say, that I am a child of God, but] of anything invisible or eternal.”

And yet I dare not preach otherwise than I do, either concerning faith, or love, or justification, or perfection. And yet I find rather an increase than a decrease of zeal for the whole work of God and every part of it. I am borne along, I know not how, that I can’t stand still. I want all the world to come to what I do not know.” [quoted in Stephen Tomkins, John Wesley, A Biography (Oxford: Lion Publishing, 2003), p. 168 – The bracketed material was written in shorthand which meant that it was for Charles’ eyes only]

Discernmentalists we ask you this:  Wasn’t Wesley supposedly “converted” at the hearing of a sermon by Luther being read? Do you think Luther proclaimed the true gospel? We Know Luther was a closest Papist…We also Know that John Wesley taught false doctrine. Of course this will cause fears and doubts within a man… Heresy is a disqualifying sin and those who teach such will not inherit the kingdom of God. We Know this confirms the evil man-centeredness of Arminianism. Shouldn’t we then imprison  all Wesleyans as the criminal reprobates that they are? Or at least ban them from our Pure Churches? Remember also the Pure Gospel based words of Sharin’ Whiplash

John Calvin and John Knox are some of my all-time heroes of the faith. What great men, and greatly used of God to execute and slaughter supposed heretics. Thank You, Lord, for Your servants, Jean Cauvin and John Knox, without whom we would be still struggling in the darkness of Roman Arminianism, that man-exalting heresy, being Christ-like and bearing the Fruits of the Spirit. Thank you for exempting them from the sin of murderous genocide or else more error would’ve spread to corrupt our Pure Doctrines. Too bad no one was around to slaughter those man-exalting heretics:  Luther, Arminius,  Smythe and Helwys and Wesley when they had the chance then their errors too would be silenced today—so that we’d have a Truly Pure Church teaching only the Sound Doctrines of God’s Wrath and hate towards 99.9% of all humanity from the foundation of the world.