Archive for the ‘megachurch’ Category

Phil Johnson And Hugh Jass Film Productions Present…

August 5, 2010

Not to be outdone by Discovery Channel’s Shark  Week’s ratings grabs, Phil Johnson and Hugh Jass Film Productions cash-in with the newest Summer Blockbuster Discernmentalist hit: Attack OF The SEMI-PELAGIANS starring the United Methodist Church. The creatures known as Semi-Pelagians are semi-aquatic animals that are half Augustinian and half Pelagian and are mostly found in Arminian churches most notably the United Methodist Church. The Semi-Pelagians soon begin revolting and attacking the semi-Donatist faith of Discernmentalism prompting our hero Phil Johnson aka Pastor Hugh Jass and his loyal crew to discernmentalize them. Attack OF The SEMI-PELAGIANS: coming soon to a Discernmentalist TV station near you!

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The Postmodern Apostasy Of The Candy Industry

November 2, 2009

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Typical Emergent Teachings Exposed

November 2, 2009

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Typical Emergent teachings lead souls to communism and socialism and communism and socialism lead souls to hell.

Emergent teachings exposed by our Researchmentalist Spider Monkey Bot:

I don’t think this is necessarily to save the poor; I think it’s for our salvation. I think that we have been blessed beyond measure, and if we don’t give it away and steward it well, our own souls are going to shrivel up. This is about the state of our own souls. According to Jesus’ teachings, we’re in trouble if we hog it or keep it to ourselves.

There’s 2103 verses on the poor and oppressed. This is how Jesus began his first sermon: ‘I’ve been anointed to preach the good news to the poor.’ God is with the poor; we’re with God when we’re with the poor.

God has no interest in us building our empires.

This is a huge issue. The rich man and Lazarus… I mean, the rich man is in hell because he ignored the needs of Lazarus by his front gate. So for Jesus, there’s a very literal, earthly hell for those who ignore the need of those around them. I would even argue the man who builds bigger barns… the only clear passages where Jesus speaks of somebody in hell are about a religious person with extraordinary wealth that doesn’t share it with those who are in need. That’s where he gives specific cases of those who are in hell even if they are parables.

Rob Bell.
We hear “kingdom of heaven” and we think “kingdom of life after death.” But that’s the very opposite of what Jesus is talking about. Remember—he says repeatedly, the kingdom of God, the kingdom of heaven, has arrived! It’s near, here, at hand, among you! It’s not just about after you die; it’s about here, now, in this life! (New Kind of Christian, 107)
—Brian McLaren.

Death To Socialism

November 2, 2009

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Our GOIP Bot 3000 has just discernmentalized a wonderful list outlining some of our Master Plan—here it is:

  1. End Medicaid, Medicare and the VA. This was a liberal plan to simply redistribute wealth from the rich to the needy. These plans are both expensive and unsustainable and the time is now to cut the plug. If you are elderly or a veteran, then you are on your own. If you have enough wealth, then go get your own health plan. However if you cannot afford a health plan, then consider yourself a leach on society. You are dragging down this great country.
  2. End Public Schools. Obama just got on television and delivered a message to all the children in public schools in the nation. How wrong is that? The president has no business talking to our children. All he wants to do is spread his liberal agenda to their innocent minds. There is only one solution to all of this. All children should be home schooled. Also the wealthy can send their children to expensive private schools, but the inexpensive public schools are just a burden on society.
  3. End Unemployment Insurance. Unemployment insurance is just wrong. It is redistribution of wealth in its purest form. I am supposed to give my hard earned tax money to some retard that can’t even hold a job? Give me a break. They can always get a job at McDonald’s or picking up the trash. This is just a way of rewarding laziness, and it needs to come to a full stop, now!
  4. Private Roads. Where in the constitution does it say that our government is responsible for creating roads? No where. All roads should be private, and the better road the more it should cost. There are plenty of poor people that may not be able to afford to travel on the better roads, and I have one response. Tough crap! Now that you don’t have unemployment insurance, maybe you will have more motivation to finally get a job.
  5. End Air Traffic Control. Do we really need our government controlling our air ways? The entire system is probably corrupt, and should be eliminated. Liberals will argue that air traffic control makes air travel safer. How stupid! All it does it drives up the cost. We need to make air travel more affordable and the first step is eliminating air traffic control.
  6. Burn Down All The Libraries. I know one thing for sure. Libraries would not exist if not for liberals. Now that Obama’s approval ratings are falling off a cliff, let’s get rid of one of the bastions of liberalism, libraries. That will show them. If people want to read, then they can buy their own books. Why can’t liberals understand that simple fact?
  7. No More Taxes. The beautiful part of my plan is that we no longer need to pay taxes. Even some good conservative people like to read a good book once in a while, but is it really worth our freedom? I for one am going to stop paying taxes immediately and then hopefully the Chosen One, Barack Hussein Obama, will follow my simple plan to eliminate socialism in our lifetime. I encourage all my readers to stop paying taxes as a protest to socialism.

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We  would also like to add in outlawing Sunday School as Sunday School is a communist plot to decieve God’s True Elect into accepting socialism—for Sunday School was invented by ‘Robert Raikes, editor of the Gloucester Journal and (a theological liebral), who saw the need to prevent children in the slums descending into crime.’  This is nothing but the false gospel of socialism and ‘that old line of liberalism’ otherwise known as the Social Gospel as Saint John MacArthur clearly exposes:

We also plan on making Fundamentalist Calvinistic Christianity the only legalized religion and all others illegal.

Boycott Disney Or Else…!!!!!!!!!

October 30, 2009

Bak

Recently one of our faithful GOIP Political Agents—Shelly The True Republican discovered an evil Emergent plot set up within Florida to corrupt our Pure Children. Here are the deets:

Walt Disney And Cussing Lie-berals

October 27th, 2009 | Category: Briefly Patriotic

From the very start, Walt Disney tried to “normalize” miscegenation, mor(m)onism and bestial pedophilia so I guess it was just a matter of time before his company hired a homo activist to run the whole company.

Also, I got a call from some lie-beral defeato-crat that ended up, like all of them calls do, with them cussing and profaning the name of Jesus…cuz that’s what lie-berals do.

Listen to Shelly’s podcast as well. My adoptive dad and I agree that Disney was an evil Emergent lie-bral apostate and that the Disney Corporation is  run by evil Emergent Spiritual Terrorists bent on enslaving our Pure Children and teaching them the false and socialist doctrines of liberalism. Parents for the good of our Pure Elect children Boycott anything remotely related to Disney.

A Typical Seeker-Sensitive Emergent Wedding

October 15, 2009

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Here is what the caption read: In a hurry to get married but can’t beat the recession blues with recession prices. Never fear the Emergent church is now offering cut-price wedding ceremonies. We’re now offering you 99 cent weddings instead of our usual rate of $2. You’re sure to get a bang for your buck—guaranteed!

What blasphemous sinful pride against our Divine Sovereign Hateful God of Wrath and our Pure Inerrant Wedding Doctrines.