Archive for the ‘John MacFarter’ Category

Pope Pyro the First says: “Education Smeducation!”

April 20, 2019

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Our Illustrious Infallible Grand Poobah the Most Inerrant Most Holy Pope Pyro I aka John MacArthur (PBUH) decrees: “Education smeducation…students keep your mouth shut…I am the Master and you barely worthy to sit at my anointed feet of discernmentalism…I have no need of degrees as  I already know all Truth. Did Paul have a  degree? Did Spurgeon? For I was personally appointed by God to lead the Truth War and spread disimformation slander discernmentalism. I know all Truth and history as I was there.”

Elsewhere Phil Johnson aka Hugh Jass noted that our Holy mecca Vatican school University of Discernmentalism is under attack:

Pastor John MacArthur has described the probation of his Master’s University and Seminary by an accrediting agency as an “orchestrated” attack, possibly by Satan, and directed students to keep quiet about the controversy.

A Nov. 29 report from the Chronicle of Higher Education published an audio recording of an hourlong sermon from August wherein the 79-year-old Reformed pastor told the student body that their accreditor’s actions amounted to an effort “orchestrated, if not by humans, by Satan himself.”

MacArthur also told students not to ask questions about the accreditation issues, they had no right to learn the details, and that it was not their responsibility.

“There are things that God hates, right?” he said, referencing Proverbs 6. “One of them is the one who stirs up strife,” he said, urging students to keep their complaints within the university and seminary.

“Keep your mouth shut,” MacArthur told them.

“Don’t stir up strife. You don’t know the whole story.”

ZOEINCARNATE’S Evil And Blasphemous Heresies

November 23, 2009

First, we are concerned with ZOEINCARNATE’S absurd notion that “God is a recovering practitioner of violence.” We agree with our fellow Absolute Truth Warrior and Discernmentalist John 14:6 :

Your blasphemy and those of your ilk apparently knows no bounds.

“By this he means that God used to think violence was a good idea, but then gave up on it.”

Are you people serious? What God is this that you claim to follow? A fallible deity who learns from his own mistakes!

Repent of these heretic, man-centered imaginations!

An heart that deviseth wicked imaginations, feet that be swift in running to mischief, — Proverbs 6:18

Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ; — 2 Cor 10:5

Strawman do not position make. Funny how quoting the Bible leads heretics to the accusation that “you alone know blah blah blah”.

It has nothing to do with me. It has everything to do with Holy Scripture. To even entertain the idea that God is a “recovering” anything promotes a position of fallibility to the INFALLIBLE. That is heresy.

You are the created, lest you forget. And you are seeking to assign human frailties and shortcomings to the Creator. That is, also, heresy. God is not like you, get over it.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD. – Isa 55:8

Holy God recovers from nothing. His ways are not our ways. Humble yourself and repent for this heretical thinking.

How many more times will emergents, liberals, and progressive hid behind “cast the first stone”. Are you to utter this to Holy God when you stand before Him? What will you say then, when all your noble thinking, philosophy, and bludgeoning of God’s Holy Word are laid before you and you are found guilty?

I pray for all of you amazing lost people. You truly are promoting high things that exalt themselves against the knowledge of God. Does Scripture tells us God “recovered” from violence? It does not, so put this thought away and repent.

We also pray for Mike Morrell‘s unregenerate and non-elect reprobated soul—we pray that God’s Absolute Sovereign Glory is shown when Mike gets cast away like all those other heretics, sinners and unsaved non-Elect heathens:

We also assert the Biblical Truth that God’s very nature is violence against sinners, for God hates sinners with a holy passion. In fact, He hates them so much that He chose from the foundation of the world to only save  Johh CalvinJohn MacArthur, some other guys named JohnPhil Johnson, Al Mohler, Charles Spurgeon, James White, Todd Friel, Will Kinney and 137,000 other Elected and Predestined Calvinist saints including we of God’s Only Inerrant Party and the Online Discernmentalist Mafia—the rest of humanity then is going to hell because God chose to destroy them before even creating humanity.

Also we wish to point out these 9 other propositions of Biblical Absolute Truths that we know with Absolute Certainty:

1. God never changes. (Malachi 3:6)

2. Therefore God never changes His mind about anything. [ie. Law vs. Grace, Old vs. New Covenants, repented that He made humanity, promised no more Noah type floods, sacrifice vs. mercy, walks with Adam and Eve in Eden vs. unseen in Heaven vs. incarnated Jesus vs. the unseen Risen Lord Jesus of faith, etc. (Genesis 6:6;  Gen. 9:8-17; Hosea 6:6, Matthew 9:13, Matthew 12:7; etc).

3. As change sounds too much like evilution.

4. Therefore change is evil in and of itself

5. As all is Absolute, black and white and in stone.

6. Evilution is a human invention.

7. So therefore God has nothing whatsoever to do with humanity not even in His incarnated form (the fully human-fully God—Jesus).

8. Also God is Absolute.

9. And therefore has nothing whatsoever to do with change aka. evilution.

We also agree with John 14:6 ‘s namesake: “I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.” Indeed we are not  the way, the truth, and the life: so that no man cometh unto the Father, but by us and our discernmentalizations, for we hold the Absolute Truth the King James Bible AV1611 in our hands (instead of God/Jesus the Absolute Truth holding us in His hands). Therefore since we do not hold  the Absolute Truth in our hands, we do not have the rite/right to judgementalize others who do not hold to our opinions of truth the Absolute Truth, ‘for we  alone have a direct line to God in the King James Bible AV1611—the literal words and mind of God. For the King James Bible AV1611 is literally Jesus/God:  

We alone do not have the one true interpretation of scripture as first established by our Final Prophet John Calvin—the perfect exegete whose fruits were nothing but Pure. Afterall, John Calvin is not the Holy Spirit incarnate—the Advocate and Comforter promised in the Bible—the final word on all Christianity:

The doctrine of the work of the Holy Spirit is a gift from John Calvin to the Church of Christ.  He did not, of course, invent it. The whole of it lay spread out on the pages of Scripture with a clearness and fullness of utterance which one would think would secure that even he who ran should read it; and doubtless he who ran did read it, and it has fed the soul of the true believer in all ages.

We alone—the True Chosen Elect of God are not Pure enough in our ontological certainty to go casting the first stone and hurling accusations of missives and discernmentalizations that  correct and refute the errors of non-blasphemy and non-heresy.’

Saint John MacArthur’s Certs

November 3, 2009

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Do you need to be Absolutely Certain that you are truly of  the Regenerate Elect? Are those evil Arminians and Emergents trying to confuse you of the Absolute Truth? Never fear we here at GOIP Food Labs have come up with the Absolutely Perfect product to suit your Discernmentalist needs–introducing Saint John MacArthur made Absolute Certs: for those times when you need to stay fresh in  your Discern-ments! These Discern-ments are flavored with Absolute Truth in every piece and are guaranteed to protect your doctrines from the impurities of those evil Arminians and Emergents and ensure you that you are truly of  the Regenerate Elect complete with Saint John MacArthur’s seal of approval. You’ll also be Absolutely Certain  of the Absolute Truth of everything.

Side Effects may include but are not limited to: Judgmentalism, a Purposeless Driven Life, Reformed thinking, loss of friends, vomiting, arrogance, hate, a black and white worldview, heartburn, gall, the urge to vote for Ultra-Right-Wing Conservative Christian Republicans, Fundamentalism, bibliolatry, Calvinolatry and Spurgeon-worship—-a superiority complex, legalism, constipation, upset stomach, indigestion, diarrhea, etc.

Death To Socialism

November 2, 2009

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Our GOIP Bot 3000 has just discernmentalized a wonderful list outlining some of our Master Plan—here it is:

  1. End Medicaid, Medicare and the VA. This was a liberal plan to simply redistribute wealth from the rich to the needy. These plans are both expensive and unsustainable and the time is now to cut the plug. If you are elderly or a veteran, then you are on your own. If you have enough wealth, then go get your own health plan. However if you cannot afford a health plan, then consider yourself a leach on society. You are dragging down this great country.
  2. End Public Schools. Obama just got on television and delivered a message to all the children in public schools in the nation. How wrong is that? The president has no business talking to our children. All he wants to do is spread his liberal agenda to their innocent minds. There is only one solution to all of this. All children should be home schooled. Also the wealthy can send their children to expensive private schools, but the inexpensive public schools are just a burden on society.
  3. End Unemployment Insurance. Unemployment insurance is just wrong. It is redistribution of wealth in its purest form. I am supposed to give my hard earned tax money to some retard that can’t even hold a job? Give me a break. They can always get a job at McDonald’s or picking up the trash. This is just a way of rewarding laziness, and it needs to come to a full stop, now!
  4. Private Roads. Where in the constitution does it say that our government is responsible for creating roads? No where. All roads should be private, and the better road the more it should cost. There are plenty of poor people that may not be able to afford to travel on the better roads, and I have one response. Tough crap! Now that you don’t have unemployment insurance, maybe you will have more motivation to finally get a job.
  5. End Air Traffic Control. Do we really need our government controlling our air ways? The entire system is probably corrupt, and should be eliminated. Liberals will argue that air traffic control makes air travel safer. How stupid! All it does it drives up the cost. We need to make air travel more affordable and the first step is eliminating air traffic control.
  6. Burn Down All The Libraries. I know one thing for sure. Libraries would not exist if not for liberals. Now that Obama’s approval ratings are falling off a cliff, let’s get rid of one of the bastions of liberalism, libraries. That will show them. If people want to read, then they can buy their own books. Why can’t liberals understand that simple fact?
  7. No More Taxes. The beautiful part of my plan is that we no longer need to pay taxes. Even some good conservative people like to read a good book once in a while, but is it really worth our freedom? I for one am going to stop paying taxes immediately and then hopefully the Chosen One, Barack Hussein Obama, will follow my simple plan to eliminate socialism in our lifetime. I encourage all my readers to stop paying taxes as a protest to socialism.

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We  would also like to add in outlawing Sunday School as Sunday School is a communist plot to decieve God’s True Elect into accepting socialism—for Sunday School was invented by ‘Robert Raikes, editor of the Gloucester Journal and (a theological liebral), who saw the need to prevent children in the slums descending into crime.’  This is nothing but the false gospel of socialism and ‘that old line of liberalism’ otherwise known as the Social Gospel as Saint John MacArthur clearly exposes:

We also plan on making Fundamentalist Calvinistic Christianity the only legalized religion and all others illegal.

Send Us Mail Or Else

November 2, 2009

Here is our address:

1 The Way

Dobson Ranch, AZ,

Jesusland, USA

Here is a picture of our lovely ranch—the Mighty G…od Fortress Space Station on Mars:

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And here is a map of our lovely ranch for your convenience in case you’re forced to come visit us:

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We would love to hear from you or force you to visit us! Here our Director of Tourism, Brannon Howse, leads some of our Party guests on a tour of our marvelous ranch and extraordinary headquarters:

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One of the main highlights of our wonderful headquarters is all of  our Mexican and Canadian slaves that we’ve harvested over the years with thanks to our supporters. Here they are before our GOIP Bot 3000 turned them into small living fuzzy teddy bears:

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And here are some of  our slaves after  our GOIP Bot 3000 turned them into small living fuzzy teddy bears as they are more manageable and efficient when they are smaller:

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And here are some of our GOIP Troopers suiting up for the Absolute Truth War:

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Our Beloved  Führer Ron Luce without makeup on:

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Anyways we all hope to hear from you and see you soon! Drop us a line and stop by any time!

Glorify God And Support War

November 1, 2009

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If you don’t believe in war, you don’t believe in Jesus—why, because Saint John MacArthur said so:

Also because Saint Augustine’s words are above Jesus’ words. Our resident Redneck GOIPer adds: 

The Iraqi War is God’s War

  OK everyone listen up. I am going to go over a subject that many liberals may not want to know. That’s right, God is supporting our troops. This is not the Alliance of the Willing, nor is it an American war, this war is the will of God. We are just mere pawns in God’s master plan for happiness for all humanity.

Let’s start off with the simple fact Muslims are going to hell. I didn’t say ALL Muslims are going to hell, but let’s say 99.99% will know the heat of Dante’s inferno. Only accepting Jesus Christ as your lord and savior can one spend eternity with God. So what are the odds that any self respecting Muslim will accept Jesus as their Lord and Savior. I am guessing .01%, but suffice it to say, that hell is LOADED with Muslims.

Anyways point made. If they are going to spend eternity in hell, do they really deserve all that oil? Who made the oil anyhow? God did, and these guys can’t even recognize the sacrifices his Son made for all of humanity. Talk about looking a gift horse in the mouth. Talk about ingrates. Just thinking about it makes my blood boil.

It is clear to God and I that these ingrates don’t deserve this oil any more. There I said it. It’s not about Weapons of Mass Destruction, taking down an evil dictator, or creating a beacon for democracy, it’s about OIL. God created a decoy, so we can get into this vile country, so we can have their oil. God wants us to have their oil. We are going to heaven and they are going to hell.

But liberals want to ignore the immense glory of Lord Almighty. His mighty hand is guiding our troops to victory, but God is quite busy fighting the sand monkeys. He needs our help by fighting the liberals. So here’s the next piece of news. God hates liberals as much as I do. Liberals may say they have accepted Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior, but God knows they are lying. Hell if I can tell they are lying, don’t you think that God can as well?

Speaking of which, it is hard enough putting up with liberals here on earth. Do you really think that God would make us suffer with liberals in heaven. Hell no. Not only are there no towel heads in heaven, there aren’t very many liberals either. Of course, God lets a few liberals into heaven each year. We need someone to clean the toilets.

So I want to personally thank God for guiding our troops, and also for the best Christmas present of all. Iraq’s oil. Yea, God! We get a bunch of oil for killing a bunch of people that were going to hell anyhow.  That’s what I call a win – win.

We here at the Official GOIP and the Online Discernmentalist Mafia sites agree. Praise God and pass the ammo!

29 12 2007—- # of heretics we hope our weblogs slay with their blog ammo of Absolute Truthiness.

Todd Friel Presents Brokeback Mountain

November 1, 2009

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Todd Friel to star in God’s version of Brokeback Mountain. It should bring you relief as it’s a much needed remedy to that Leftist media one that promotes the homosexual agenda and acceptance of an abominable lifestyle. Watch it or else.

John MacArthur Explains The Absolute Poop

October 16, 2009

HOW TO POOP IN A BIBLICALLY CORRECT WAY

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POOP BIBLICALLY: A SYSTEMATIC THEOLOGY ON HOW TO POOP IN A BIBLICALLY CORRECT WAY—SO AS TO PLEASE OUR HATEFUL VENGEFUL GOD OF WRATH AND GIVE HIM ALL THE GLORY IN YOUR POOPING

By

John “Funky Smell” MacArthur

  • 1 Kings 14:10 (New King James Version)
    New King James Version (NKJV)
    Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc.
    10 therefore behold! I will bring disaster on the house of Jeroboam, and will cut off from Jeroboam every male in Israel, bond and free; I will take away the remnant of the house of Jeroboam, as one takes away refuse until it is all gone. “one burns dung, until it is all gone.” (NIV)
    —-What does this verse say? It tells us to burn our excrements until they are all gone, but man exercising his humanistic pride thought he was better than God by inventing plumbing and toilets. The secularized carnal minds of New Agers and that old line of theological liberals want to deceive the Elect into thinking the Elect can use the modern conveniences of indoor plumbing and toilets (which are a sin) instead of the God ordained method of getting rid of our excrements as prescribed in His Holy Inerrant and Infallible Word.
  •  Job 20:6-8 (New King James Version)
    New King James Version (NKJV)
    Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc.
    6 Though his haughtiness mounts up to the heavens,
          And his head reaches to the clouds,
    7 Yet he will perish forever like his own refuse;
          Those who have seen him will say, ‘Where is he?’
    8 He will fly away like a dream, and not be found;
          Yes, he will be chased away like a vision of the night. “he will perish forever, like his own dung; banished like a vision of the night.” (NIV)
    — What does this verse say? It tells the Elect that God decrees them to defecate at night—that any other time of day is a prideful sin against the Divine Sovereignty of our Hateful, Vengeful, God of Wrath.
  • Deuteronomy 23:12-14 (New King James Version)
    New King James Version (NKJV)
    Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc.
    12 “Also you shall have a place outside the camp, where you may go out; 13 and you shall have an implement among your equipment, and when you sit down outside, you shall dig with it and turn and cover your refuse. 14 For the LORD your God walks in the midst of your camp, to deliver you and give your enemies over to you; therefore your camp shall be holy, that He may see no unclean thing among you, and turn away from you.
    — What does this verse say? Here is where the Orthodox Doctrine of the Holy Pooping is clearly laid out, which we can know with Absolute Certainty as our Divine Sovereign Hateful, Vengeful, God of Wrath spoke with His own lips in His Holy Inerrant and Infallible Word to defecate outside and that all other places for defecating are sinful. Our Holy Sovereign Creator, God of Wrath, is most pleased when we (the Elect) obey and submit to the Orthodox Doctrine of the Holy Pooping as clearly laid out in His Holy Inerrant and Infallible Word. When the Israelites obeyed our God of Wrath not love (Theological liberals want to delude you into thinking God is a lovey dovey inclusive God of let’s hold hands and sing kumba-yah but the Bible is clear on this matter when it says: “God is an all consuming fire, a God of Vengeful Wrath and no respecter of persons”) by defecating outside, they gave God the glory by defecating in a holy manner. 

One other thing I would like to say to Bible-minded Christians is to remain Bibliocentric and hold onto Biblical Integrity, one ought to confront all Christians living in the sin of using toilet paper as toilet paper was invented by Pagan Chinese, who worshipped false gods and not our God of Wrath as Revealed in the Inerrant and Infallible Holy Bible.  Also, paper itself was invented by Pagan Egyptians to inscribe their demonic and blasphemous scriptures to their false gods, in their dark, morally and spiritually corrupt religious practices—so that if the Elect falls prey to the sin of using toilet paper, they in affect may be welcoming in false gods (disguised as seducing demons) into their lives. So as we can see using toilet paper is an unholy sin of humanistic pride against our Divine Sovereign God of Wrath, who in His Absolute Sovereignty created (6000 years ago in 6 literal days) our hands, wool, lace or hemp, wood shavings, leaves, grass, hay, stone, sand, moss, water, snow, maize husks, fruit skins, or seashells, and corn cobs for us to use to clean our anuses. Toilet paper then is for that old line of theological liberals, evolutionists, secular humanists and atheistic communists and not True Bible-Believing Christians.

In conclusion to my God-honoring Expository Sermon (the only sermons recognized by God are Expository, because that’s how Calvin and Spurgeon preached), I pray that the Elect Church purges itself of the errors of the modernistic and post-modernistic ways of thinking about defecating before the Holy Rapture in the Predestined and God-ordained Premillenial Dispensationalist End Times and returns itself to the Fundamentally Orthodox Doctrine of the Holy Pooping as clearly laid out with Absolute Certainty in the Inerrant and Infallible Holy Bible that we please and give glory to our Absolute Divine Sovereign Hateful, Vengeful, God of Wrath by: defecating only outside at night, burning or burying our excrements and using the God-ordained method of our hands, wool, lace or hemp, wood shavings, leaves, grass, hay, stone, sand, moss, water, snow, maize husks, fruit skins, or seashells, and corn cobs that our Absolute Sovereign Wrathful Creator created for us to use to clean our anuses. Amen.
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Courtesy of John “No Grace To You—More Grace For Me”  MacArthur, Pastor of no Grace Community Church and Founder of no Grace To You Ministries.

Heresy Wars: Our Purified Version Of Star Wars

October 15, 2009

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The Heresy Wars cast relaxing on the set. Join them weekdays at 3 pm on Worldview Weekend TV as they hunt down heretics and bring them in for a bounty.

John Calvin is aghast at the impure doctrines of his bounty—an evil Grace-hating Man-loving Arminian . Equally The Way Of The Master logo at the bottom is a device that Todd Friel activated from where he is sitting in an attempt to try to beam Sound Doctrine directly into that Evil Emergent Iggy’s brain. Iggy of course is off camera.

And this is a production still from season 1 episode 5.

Todd Friel’s New Movie

October 15, 2009

Todd Friel in Boba Fett And The Bounty Hunt For All Of The Galaxy’s Heretics. If you know an Emergent or any other heretic, Boba Fett (Todd Friel) will hunt them down and bring them in for a bounty:

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