Archive for the ‘freaking hippies!’ Category

Discernmentalists Declare: “Rob Bell Worse Than Bin Laden!”

May 3, 2011

(Newsweek)- Pastorboy aka (Name Withheld by Request) in a Press Conference today stated unequivocally and without reservation nor hesitation that he believes that the Truth War against Spiritual Terrorism has yet to be completed as long as Rob Bell is still alive–for he truly believes Rob Bell is worse than Bin Laden. Pastorboy aka (Name Withheld by Request) proves his case by quoting directly from the sinister and vile arch-heretic Rob Bell himself: “Rob Bell: Osama Bin Laden is in hell? Really? And you feel compelled to tell people this? I have to say that love wins, and this story is so much larger. Remember, Jesus painted blood on the doorposts of the universe and has reconciled ALL things to himself. Imagine the hell he has already experienced living in that one million dollar bunker on the border of Pakistan. Now that he is dead, he will be sure to choose Jesus. I am sure I will see him in the new creation someday.”

How dare anyone believe any one of America’s enemies make it to heaven! After-all, America’s enemies are God’s enemies and God’s enemies are all of America’s enemies. Todd Friel quoting from our Final Prophet John MacArthur (P. B. U. H.) has noted similar reservations–noting that we should rejoice in the destruction of America’s enemies with a commendable hatred and praise God that America’s enemies will roast in hell and thank our Sovereign God of Wrath for sparing American warlords the same fate by granting them get out of hell free cards.

Pastorboy aka (Name Withheld by Request) would agree and so do we–finally we offer you a stern word of loving wrath from our Final Prophet John MacArthur (P. B. U. H.): “Scripture presents a terrifyingly clear case for a literal hell. It’s a place where God punishes unbelievers for all eternity. Contrary to what some so-called evangelicals are teaching, hell is not a state of mind or a hard life on this earth. Your state of mind can change; your circumstances can improve. Hell never changes, never improves. Hell is not chastisement; it’s everlasting, insufferable punishment at the hands of an angry God.” This is why Rob Bell is worse than Bin Laden for even Bin Laden believed in a literal and “real place” called hell–praise our loving God of Sovereign Wrath to His Glory!

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Cat Glasses!

July 11, 2010

Wretched News exercising a test of the Sound Doctrines Detecting Tester of Locating Out of Order New Age Trends noted that anyone caught wearing “Cat Glasses” is suspect theologically. Reasons given are:

  1. Cat Glasses are synonymous with Catholics
  2. Catholics are semi-Pelagian quasi-Universalists
  3. Rob Bell, “Emergent guru” is also a semi-Pelagian quasi-Universalist
  4. Rob Bell wears Cat Glasses
  5. Rob Bell is also a heretic
  6. Therefore anyone caught wearing Cat Glasses is also suspect of being a heretic

Our logic is flawless who can argue against these points. We all must do whatever we can to take a stand and come against those who would dare wear Cat Glasses in our churches. Dr. Truthslayer my colleague in Discernmentalism adds that: “we support this kind of discernmentalism as absolute truth and so should you. We KNOW Rob is an emerging-liberal apostate…so anything we say or do (even if not factual) should still be accepted as truth.”

P. S. “Rob Bell is definitely not like Jesus” so you should never wear, imitate or do anything he does.

Obama Supporters Repent

June 2, 2010

 

Abortion is murder; murder is a sin. War and collateral damage are murder; however, war and collateral damage are not sin as they are biblical.

Anyone who voted for Obama is living in sin and should repent now—here is why:

lightshineon Re: Franklin Graham Predicts Christians Split from Obama
« Reply #1 on: May 06, 2010, 10:47:14 PM » 

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Hopefully millions of Christians did not vote for him, but, even if they did vote for him. let us hope they see the sin, and the mistake of doing so.
 
 
johnnyQ Re: Franklin Graham Predicts Christians Split from Obama
« Reply #2 on: May 07, 2010, 08:31:14 AM » 

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There’s not one bit of biblical support for saying that voting for ANYONE is a sin.  That’s seems to be taken from First LSO 13:13.  But a warning in Revelation 22:18 says it’s dangerous to add to the scriptures like you have attempted.

jq
 
lightshineon Re: Franklin Graham Predicts Christians Split from Obama
« Reply #9 on: May 07, 2010, 11:10:26 AM » 

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JQ, ever read that every thought. word, or deed, you will be held accountable for? You might try in matthew Ch 12, or 13, I have to go, so please quit your scripture threatening get you own self right, and learn to rightly divide the word of truth. If you knowingly vote for someone who kills babies, with a passion, then those babies blood is on your hands.

We certainly agree as we have  no blood on our hands  from supporting war-mongering Republican Presidents. Remember Jesus said in the Bible: “Blessed are the war-mongers for they shalt conquer the earth.”  lightshineon also wanted to add:

JQ, did you know statistacally conservatives voters, help the poor more than liberals. Did you also know in the word of God even in the NT, it talks about wars, and rumors of wars in Matthew 24, Jesus never said anything against it, In proverbs in the OT, it also tells us to love our enemies, and in Revelation it talks about wars. Now Jesus states, very strongly about hurting children. BTW, Jesus talks about us as individuals helping the poor. I see Obama taking money from the mentally challenged ad old, who are the least of these. Not some punk from the hood who, can work, but, lays up drawing welfare, killing his BFF, over a dine bag, I have seen it, JQ, more than once.

Hunting Season For Liberals Officially Begins!

May 14, 2010

    

(Gloom And Despair News: a subsidiary of GOIP Media Dominion Corporation as distributed by Outhouse Fails Publishing, Inc.) —-  Discernmentalists head to hunting ranges all across America now that Liberal Hunting Season has begun. Steve Camp of Camp On This Gloom and Disparaging Ministries has promised to reward the first True Bible-Believing  Fundamentalist Conservative/Republican Calvinist Christian to bag over a hundred liberals with a prize of an authentic tissue paper used by none other than our very own Ken Silva. The tissue paper is bound to become a  True Discernmentalist collector’s item. Camp has indeed verified that the tissue has really been used by Ken Silva for it is so full of ego and Absolute Truth. The tissue also comes complete with a certificate of authenticity.

Camp is on record as saying there are no limits on who may be considered a liberal. Any and all groups other than Confessional Dortian Calvinists are to be considered too liberal to be Truly Biblical and most importantly even Truly Christian. Most or all groups that are considered too liberal to Truly be Christian are dark evil reprobated heathen unregenerate hell-bound apostates as Camp goes on to further state :

To paraphrase former President Ronald Reagan’s words when speaking of communism:

“Open Theism, Universalism, Mormonism, Romanism, the Emergent Church, Jehovah Witnesses, Pragmaticism, Syncretism, Word of Faith, New Perspective of Paul, Libertarian Free Will, Socinianism, the Social Gospel, and Sabellianism is foreign to heaven, where they’ve never had part in it; and is welcome in hell, where they’ve already got it.” (Source).

In related news, Brannon Howse and Todd Friel have teamed up and have pledged their support for an upcoming Anti-Glenn Beck /Anti-Social Gospel Rally. At the moment, all the details are still in the open. We’ll let you know when and if any futher details come to light or as soon as any  future developments are made available.

Our Plans For Big Government

May 7, 2010

As True Bible-Believing Conservatives and the only True God Honoring Republican Party, We stand against Socialism and Big Government— here are a few of our favorite Bible verses which back up our stances:

Ronald Reagan 18:22- Thou shalt not let Communists or Socialists take office: it is abomination.

Ronald Reagan 20:13- If the Socialists and Communists take over there will be Big Government and all will have committed an abomination: you shall surely be put to death. Your blood shall be upon them for they supporteth the muderous buisness of abortion which is a great evil. However, genocide, torture and the slaughter of our enemies both foreign and domestic are all okay in mine eyes for thou must protecteth thy Pure Doctines and my Truth by any means necessary.

These verses set the foundations for our Anti-Big Government platforms. They also set the foundations for our pro-Theocracy and Theonomist/Dominionist mindset. We Know that the big issues of our day are found in the Constitution which is why we plan on legislating these Constitutional values when we take back the White House for Jesus: our Pure Biblical notions of individual morality such as gay marriage, abortion and public prayer. All of these must be enforced on everyone else by our God-honoring Theocratic Calvinist Government. Remember a Big God Government equals happy and healthy families but only those God already predestined.

A Big God Government equals Absolute Sovereign protection for those of us God saw fit to Elect especially after God pours down His Sovereign Wrath upon all of our enemies out of His good pleasure of course. A Big God Government equals welfare for the rich as only we deserve money.  A Big God Government gives us the right to slaughter our enemies eventhough murder is a sin since We are Truly Elect we don’t have to live by the Law for We are Once Saved Always Saved no matter what. So We ask you this is a Big God Government for you? The answer is yes because We already tell you what to think so Obey Us or else.

Terrorist Beard Alert System

May 6, 2010

Frequently we get questions about beards so our very own Dr. I. Todyaso wrote a award winning massive on the subject of Bible-Based Beards which gets hit up very often by those wanting to learn the Absolute Biblical Truth about beards. Recently however the question of terrorists’ beards came up so a few of our Research Robot Monkeys infiltrated secret terrorist bases deep in the mountain caves of Pakistan and elsewhere. Our Research Robot Monkeys with their perfected skills in discernmentalism came up with the above poster in order to better understand the phenomenon of terrorists’ beards.

You can never be too careful about these things for your next door neighbor might secretly be in league with the terrorists all based on the style of beard they wear. Aparrently terrorists dye their beards to expose their true colors and show you their thoughts, feelings and true intentions—but usually if you are close enough to see a suspected terrorist’s beard color by then it is too late. Never fear if you heed our warnings and advice we can help you expose a true terrorist’s beard from a fake terrorist’s beard and a Bible-Based Beard:

Step # 1: It’s all in the dye job but don’t get too close always observe a suspected terrorist’s beard from as far away as possible. Particularly using far-reaching telescopes, Research Robot Monkeys or GOIP Satellites helps in observing suspected terrorist’s beards from a distance.

Step # 2: If someone has a pet name for their beard they are most  likely a terrorist.

Step # 3: Use Bible-Based beard mite identifying scanners in order to scan where the suspected terrorist’s beard mites are from for if the beard mites are from anywhere near the vicinity of the Middle East then we have a match for terrorism.

Step # 4: Terrorists are tricky though and sometimes shave off their real beards and trade them in for fake beards if that happens it becomes tricky to identify them. In order to expose a suspected terrorist then you must discover where their fake beard comes from. If it is from anywhere other than America they are probably a terrorist.

Last, Bible-Based Beards  have already been explained by Dr. I. Todyaso so read his massive on them. Remember that we say all of this in the love of our God’s Absolute Sovereign Wrath in which we stand so heed all  of our precautions and remember as the Patron Saint of our Truth War John MacArthur says:

From the very beginning, the battle between good and evil has been a battle for the truth. The serpent, in the Garden of Eden, began his temptation by questioning the truthfulness of God’s previous instruction: “Indeed, has God said, ‘You shall not eat from any tree of the garden’? … “You surely shall not die! For God knows that in the day you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil” (Gen. 3:1,4–5). And this has been his tactic ever since—casting doubt on the straightforward revelation of God.

Throughout the centuries, this age-old war on truth has been repeatedly fought even within the church. The biblical writer Jude, for instance, faced such a situation when he wrote his epistle. Though he had wanted to write about the wonders of the common salvation that he shared with his readers, he was compelled instead to urge his readers to “contend earnestly for the faith which was once for all delivered to the saints” (v. 3). False teachers, like spiritual terrorists, had secretly crept into the church (v. 4). The lies they were spreading, like doctrinal hand grenades, were spiritually devastating. They were enemies of the truth, and Jude was compelled to expose and confront them.

Over the past few decades, the church in the United States has fought this very battle on several fronts. In the sixties and seventies, the doctrine of biblical inerrancy came under direct attack. The Bible, it was said, was full of errors, and thus could not be trusted as historically or scientifically accurate. In the eighties and nineties, the sufficiency of Scripture was targeted. The charismatic movement (with its need for additional revelation from God) and Christian psychology (with its emphasis on neo-Freudian counseling techniques) attempted to undermine the fact that God “has granted to us everything pertaining to life and godliness through the true knowledge of Him,” as revealed in Scripture (2 Pet. 1:3).

As the millennium drew to a close, the attack on God’s revealed truth came in a new way. This time the relevance of Scripture was the point of attack. Rather than being directly maligned, the Bible was quietly discarded by church leaders for whom biblical teaching was simply not a major priority. “The Seeker Movement,” more or less advocated limiting the presentation of divine truth to what unbelievers are willing to tolerate.

A new movement is now arising in and around evangelical circles. Now, it appears, the main object of attack will be the perspicuity of Scripture. Influenced by postmodern notions about language, meaning, subjectivity, and truth, many younger evangelicals are questioning whether the Word of God is clear enough to justify certainty or dogmatism on any point of doctrine. Ironically, this new movement more-or-less ignores all of the previous debates. Instead, its proponents are much more interested in dialogue and conversation. As a result, propositional truth (which tends to end dialogue rather than start it) is scorned and rebuffed as an outmoded vestige of twentieth-century modernism.

This movement is very diverse and still developing, but it is generally referred to as “the Emerging Church.

A terrorist just may be hiding out in your church but now thanks to our impeccable researchmentalism you know how to expose them.

A Public Service Announcement

April 19, 2010

 

Worldly Cheese Found

April 3, 2010

Our Research Robot Monkeys are always combing the web and the globe for all things worldly and apostate as they are able to find the devil in anything and everything. Recently a worldly and demon possessed cheese has been brought to their attention:

What makes this cheese so evil and reprobate? Just listen to the name Babybel which sounds too much like Babel which was in Babylon. Oh the rank apostasy—not only that we  believe Babybel cheese is truly Satanic for when our Research Robot Monkeys parsed the letters out  of  Babybel, they discovered it was a secret codeword for Baby Bel. Bel as in BelBa’al or Belial which of course are other names for the devil.

We concur as here are some of the worldly promises which Babybel offers:

  • they suit alternative vegetarian dietary needs (this is nothing  but liberalism).
  • they make Goat cheese (Goats  are symbolic of Satan and the unsaved non-Elect unregenerate reprobates).
  • they promise laughter (Discernmentalists don’t believe in laughter as laughter is too fun and fun leads to rebellion and rebellion is of the devil. We do believe in laughing at the non-Elect however and rejoice in their predestined damnation which brings gory glory to God).
  • it’s feminist (their commercial says that the cheese is “for the laughing girl”).
  • We Know that Emergents probably like it and if it was used in their churches it would cause women to disobey I Corinthians 14:33-35: “33For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace, as in all churches of the saints. 34Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience as also saith the law. 35And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church.” (KJV).

Finally A True Bible-Believing God-honoring Email Domain Address That God Is Proud Of

March 31, 2010

                 

A thank you from New World Order Weekend

What can a @Reagan.com Email address do for you? you may ask:

Why Your email address with Reagan.com will send a clear message to the recipient: You are a True Bible-Believing, God-honoring,  Regenerated Elect, Frozen And Chozen Reagan Conservative and Fundamentalist Christian, period.

Each @Reagan.com address is built on the ideal that each person should pay for and leave God to control his or her hate speech communications via the latest Holy Spirit chip technology built by GOIP Labs and featured in the new iTruth made  by the the ODMafia Research and Discernmentalist Labs for truth warriors by truth warriors.  At the same time it should allow you the freedom through American Gospel and Bible-based techniques to check your email and calendar at anytime and from any place in the world under American sovereign imperial control where there is an internet connection using a computer or your smart phone. Your @Reagan.com address will even work in all 52 states of America including the newly annexed States of RonaldReaganistan and Rumsfeld’s Democratic American Republican State of Bushraqistan also your @Reagan.com address will work in America’s future Provinces including Illegal Immigrant Cheap Labor And Tacos’ Land Of Profitable Beach Resorts For Rich White American Tourists, Canuckistan: Northern Province Of Eh!, Urup: Our Ancestors’ Land aka The Old Country and the  separate Territories of We Kicked Ur Butt Twice Island, Whiny White-Flagged Pushovers: Land Of Easy-Surrenders and United Popeland

Our Holy Spirit chip techonology features a State of the art email and calendar system for true conservatives and those who are Truly Elected to Salvation @reagan.com. What are some of the other features of the @Reagan.com Email address—why it is:

Simple
And by simple we mean complex. Plus you Only get what  we think you need when we think you need it.

Efficient
Advanced synchronization for:  Blackberry, iPhone, iTruth, and many other GOIP Windows Mobile devices. Advanced Outlook synchronization and collaboration.

Secured
Check your email over an encrypted connection. We have built in tracking technology as well.

Offers Less Spam
Our advanced spam filter delivers comprehensive protection from spam and phishing messages. We are also able to censor 10% more Emergent, Liberal and anti-Calvinist Arminian messages than other email providers.

Conservative
Yes “not free”…because free stuff equals Marxism, Communism and Socialism.

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Plus as a free bonus gift to you we offer you free
Weekly updates from Michael Reagan and other Reagan Conservatives if God specially chooses you to be worthy enough to receive them.

Own your @Reagan.com Email address for the easy payment of Only $34.95/yr plus other funds we decide to steal from the poor. An @Reagan.com Email address is  the righteous and Godly way to spend your money. Don’t waste your hard earned money on unregenerate non-Elect reprobated poor lazy bums and slobs like those Red-Letter Christians do as the poor were created to be poor and destroyed from the foundation of the world. Create your personal @Reagan.com email today using the form that we will provide you with in order to make sure of your Secured Elected Salvation and that you are Truly of the Inerrant Right who are always right.

New World Order Weekend Notes The Wrong Person

March 24, 2010

Using the Discernmentalist art of Connecting the Dots, New World Order Weekend notes the wrong person:

(Above) is a clipping from a July 1982 DSA newsletter, listing the three Religion and Socialism Commission co-chairs. Note the center name Jim Wallace. Spelled differently, but is this a typo? Note the address – Quincy Street – one of five streets running through Columbia Heights in Washington D.C. Was this actually Barack Obama’s future spiritual adviser?

Applying the same principle of Discernmentalist Connect The Dots—we have discernmentalized the following facts: Anyone named Karl, Carl, Mark, Marx, Marks, Markson, Lenin, Lennon, Stalin, Fred, Karlson, Fredrick, Karlton, Friedrich, Freddy, Carlton, Carlson, Vlad, Vladmir, Engels, Jim, James, Wallis, Wallace, Barbara, Van, Van Buren, Jimmy,  John, Johnathan, Balzer, Johnny, etc. is clearly a Commie spy out to destroy America. Anyone with C, O, M, U, N, I, S, T, A, L, R and X anywhere in their name is truly a secret Socialist/Neo-Marxist. We Know!

Jim Wallis and Jim Wallace are really the same name  just  as  Karl Marx, Karl Marks, Karl Mark, Carl Marx, Carl Marks, Carl Mark, Marx Karl, Mark Karl, Marx Carl, Mark Carl, Mark Carlson, Carlton Marx, etc. are really the same name. Also the Marx Brothers are Absolutely Communists and related to Karl Marx. We Know so!

Connecting the Dots all our Fax/Facts fit our Absolute Truth as We have concluded and you can plainly see using our Absolute Biblical Certainty.