Archive for the ‘Firemaniacs’ Category

Flaming Calvinists?

January 9, 2011

So I had some of our Research Robot Monkeys do some researchmentalism on a supposedly Christian Forum for a  new Discernmentalist article against the many heresies of the Emergent Church when they came across a character who had the title of “Flaming Calvinist:”

Notice there are many errors here concerning this arunma fellow:

  1. How can there be any “flaming Calvinists” that is a contradiction of terms. One can’t be simultaneously saved and a homosexual at the same time—Brian McLaren and the Emergent Church teaches that it’s ok to be gay and that gay Christians are saved. The Bible however is Absolutely Clear that all homosexuality (sodomy) is an unbiblical abomination and an unforgivable sin as clearly taught by Jesus and the Apostles in the Bible. To paraphrase my colleague Dr. I. Todyaso: One thing we do not need is Gay Calvinists out there perverting the Doctrines of Grace. How dare this so called character suggest he can be gay and a Bible-Believing Calvinist at the same time that’s about as oxymoronic as saying one is a Christian and an  Arminian at the same time! (Just ask Sharon about that!) The next thing you know Calvinists will be ordaining homosexuals….blasphemy!
  2. The only flaming that Bible-Believing Christians need is to roast heretics alive over a stake whether it be in reality or cyber-reality as John Knox’s clear teachings teach us
  3. How can anyone hold to the Biblical Doctrines of Grace and yet pledge allegiance to the Democratic Party? The two are antithetical as Democrats are anti-Christian. One can never vote Democrat as a True Bible-Believing Calvinist as Democrats reject the Bible and accept:  welfare queens,  Islamofascism, atheism, homosexuality, abortion and the rest of the sins that we take a stand against.

Shocked: Spurgeon Had A False Conversion—We Know So!

February 20, 2010

Recently our Research Robot Monkeys have come upon new and startling information concerning Charles Spurgeon (Holy Warrior). We have found that Spurgeon had a False Conversion—we are truly disappointed in this finding. Here follows an account of  Spurgeon’s False Conversion:

Spurgeon’s conversion to Christianity came on January 6, 1850, at age fifteen. On his way to a scheduled appointment, a snow storm forced him to cut short his intended journey and to turn into a Primitive Methodist chapel in Colchester where “God opened his heart to the salvation message.” The text that moved him was Isaiah 45:22 – “Look unto me, and be ye saved, all the ends of the earth, for I am God, and there is none else.”

Methodists teach Grace-hating Man-loving Arminianism, Decisional Regeneration and Free-Willism which are all errors. See  there this is proof of his False Conversion—We Know so! Charles Spurgeon (Holy Warrior) even admits by his own Free-Will he made a Decision for Christ rather than being Regenerated by the preaching of the Pure Gospel of God’s Sovereign Wrath:

I do from my soul confess that I never was satisfied till I came to Christ; when was yet a child, I had far more wretchedness than ever I have now; I will even add, more weariness, more care, more heart-ache than I know at this day. I may be singular in this confession, but I make it, and know it to be the truth. Since that dear hour when my soul cast itself on Jesus, I have found solid joy and peace; but before that, all those supposed gaieties of early youth, all the imagined ease and joy of boyhood, were but vanity and vexation of spirit to me. . That happy day, when I found the Saviour, and learned to cling to His dear feet, was a day never to be forgotten by me. An obscure child, unknown, unheard of, I listened to the Word of God; and that precious text led me to the cross of Christ. I can testify that the joy of that day was utterly indescribable. I could have leaped, I could have danced; there was no expression, however fanatical, which would have been out of keeping with the joy of my spirit at that hour. Many days of Christian experience have passed since then, but there has never been one which has had the full exhilaration, the sparkling delight which that first day had. I thought I could have sprung from the seat on which I sat, and have called out with the wildest of those Methodist brethren who were present, “I am forgiven! I am forgiven! A monument of grace! A sinner saved by blood! “My spirit saw its chains broken to pieces, I felt that I was an emancipated soul, an heir of Heaven, a forgiven one, accepted in Christ Jesus, plucked out of the miry clay and out of the horrible pit, with my feet set upon a rock, and my goings established. I thought I could dance all the way home. I could understand what John Bunyan meant, when he declared he wanted to tell the crows on the ploughed land all about his conversion. He was too full to hold, he felt he must tell somebody.

Sheer blasphemy—we are mortified beyond words! We are now praying that Todd Friel (Wretched), Ray Comforts (Awesome) and Kirk Cameron (Awesome Actor) drop all their associational ties with the works of this False Convert.

P. S. Also we are not too pleased with Spurgeon’s teachings against the Pure Reformed Doctrines and clear teachings of Calvin on Infant Baptism and also likewise with John Piper (Soft On Heretics)’s teaching against the Pure Baptism Doctrines of Calvin as well.

And remember these words of Absolute Truth from Sharin’ Whiplash:

Certainly Credobaptism is evil since it promotes confusion this is why I Thank You, Lord, for Your servant, Jean Cauvin, without whom we would be still struggling in the darkness of Credobaptism, that man-exalting heresy! Besides Immersion sounds too much like the heresy of Emergent/Emerging or Emergence Christianity.

Coca-Cola Drinking Christians: Neo-Marxism In The Church?

February 16, 2010

In many churches and their buildings you may find red Coke machines. This is wrong as red is an evil color. Red is the color of communism, Satan and Leftist Christians or so-called Christians that want to mute the words of Paul and other writers and only follow Jesus’ words. They call themselves “red-letter Christians.”
 

 They feel it is convenient to blot out the words of Paul on homosexuality and focus in on the good deeds Jesus talks about. Most are pacifists who reject an “eye for an eye” (Leviticus 24:19-20). They focus on Jesus’ words about helping the poor, ministering to “the least of these” (Matthew 25:40), loving our enemies, etc. That justifies abandoning hundreds, even thousands of condemning verses in the Bible they choose to wish away. That makes homosexuality OK and war wrong! And remember, Paul and the others in the Bible represent Jesus’ words. They were His spokesmen. Some who believe this way practice a form of neo-Marxism and others would call it “Christian Marxism” — an oxymoron if there ever was one. They note that the early church shared everything (socialism).  A close cousin to this is “liberation theology.”
 
Those who are high profile in this movement include Jim Wallis, Tony Campolo, Brian McLaren and his Emergent bunch, and the National Council of Churches. Jim Wallis says, “In those red letters, Jesus calls us away from the consumerist values that dominate contemporary American consciousness.”  Translate that to mean he loathes capitalism and opts for socialism and/or communism. We believe the proportion of Coke drinking Christians is equal if not higher than the proportion of Emergent and Red Letter Christians. We believe these things have to do with eachother.

 

Coke use to contain trace amounts of cocaine within it—who is to say they have really removed all the traces of cocaine from their “secret formula.” Anything secret sounds fishy to us—sounds New Agey and  New World Orderish to us as well—in fact, We Know that The Coca-Cola Company is a Global company and globalism is one way in which the New World Order/One World Secret Religious Mystery Babylon Government operates. Could it be that drinking Coke leads to Christians becoming Emergent and Red Letter Christians? Our Research Robot Monkeys have investigated these links further—here are their findings:

We Know that Emergent churches are into being relevant and making a point by incorporating secular and worldly pop culture into their theology. We also Know that Coke is a modern icon idol of secular and worldly pop culture. In many churches and their buildings you may find red Coke machines—many of these churches support the “Seeker-Sensitive” movement—they feel the need to cater to the needs of Coke drinkers everywhere regardless of whether or not they are regenerated True converts or unregenerate reprobated False converts. Red is also a popular color of Kool-Aid which Leftist Liberals love to drink therefore since we have reason to believe that cocaine is still part of Coca-Cola’s “secret formula” and liebrals want to legalize all sorts of drugs—Coke is a way to brainwash the masses in church to communism and the false gospel of social action and social change aka the Social Gospel which is just disguised socialism in Christian dressing.

We are appalled as Coca-Cola Drinking (Red-letter/Emergent) Christians join the chorus of those who believe in a utopia with no wanting or war. Yes, that will come someday, but not the way they think. This could come as a shock to them just because they have little to no regard for other parts of the Bible. They have almost created a new meaning for the term “biblical illiteracy.” 

It is tragic that these folks are frequently called “the evangelical Left.” They don’t have even 1% of evangelical theology in a single bone in their body. They cherry- pick the verses they like, almost exclusively the red letters of Jesus. It is also a great tragedy that we’ve allowed Coca-Cola products into our churches knowing how they are agents of the New World Order/One World Secret Religious Mystery Babylon Government opposing our Pure Bible-based Doctrines of wrath, hate, war, torture, greed, exploitation and Capitalism.

Lets Start The New Year Off Right

January 3, 2010

Let us  do all the thinking and researchmentalism for you so that you won’t have to strain any of your brain cells. In the words of the OD Mafia:

God’s truth is so fragile we must take a stand in God’s sovereignty to protect it. If we do not, the perverts and sickos of this world will destroy the church. Are you tired of those wimpy so called Online Discernment Ministries? We are and we want to stand up and protect our God and His Truth…Truth is so fragile and if we do not make a stand in the sovereignty of God, the Church might be lost to the sickos and perverts out there who are invading it! We know who and what they are. They are in our pews. They are on your TV. They are corrupting the most godly of things, the Internet!

 This blog is about protecting the truth of God that is so fragile.

What we promise.

To expose all to God’s wrath.

To preach that Jesus is coming back and He is so angry with sinners!

Hell is a real “place”.

If you do not hold to true doctrine then you will be blotted from the Lamb’s Book of Life forever!

Spread the gospel of Spurgeon and John MacArthur (the only truth living teacher of God’s word) to all the world.

 We are tired of emergents, RCC wannabes, Rich Warren, Rob Bell, Beth Moore, Brian McLaren, Doug Pagget, Tony Jones, sinners in general who are not worthy of our God, and anyone that sounds like or acts like any of these apostates.

Meet  our GOIP Bots who assist us in our Absolute Truth War efforts as fully-fledged supporters of John MacArthur’s Truth Wars

GOIP  BOT 2000.10  or our God-Jesus Robot is the latest model in the GOIP Bot 2000 series and assists us in all of our judgementalist needs by helping to pour down God’s Wrath upon all, judging others, frontline defense, heresy hunting, omniscience, omnipresence, fortune telling among other judgemental tasks.  We stole the top secret plans for the GOIP  BOT 2000.10 from Japan. A home version of the GOIP  BOT 2000.10 is now available from GOIP Labs:

Revised:*Here are two videos of one of our GOIP  BOT 2000.10s in action—

When  we asked if Brian McLaren is a heretic he responded “The answer is yes”:

When we asked if John MacArthur is ever wrong he responded “The answer is no”:

*

Finally meet GOIP Bot 3000 which along with GOIP Eye 3 is the backbone of GOIP Discernmentalism and helps assist us in counter spiritual terrorism, Truth War ways, arrogance, greed, hate, torture, self-righteousness, keeping God in a box, Nationalism, burning heretics, among other tasks, etc. Using Eric Barger‘s Bible-Based Mathematics System in which 2 + 2 doesn’t always equal 4 but sometimes equals 10—-here is the logically sound Biblical equation which proves this Absolute Fact: 2 + 2=4 but when turned upside down 2 looks like an inversed s and s looks like a 5 so therefore 2(s) or s + s really is 5 + 5 which means 2 + 2 turned upside down means that 2 + 2 sometimes equals 10—we calculated the technical details involved in the making a GOIP Bot 3000. With Ken Silva’s Seal of Approval  our slave laborers created the GOIP Bot 3000 the top of the line in Truth War Discernmentalism:

This is why we will preach the Good News of God’s Wrath to you and force you to listen!

ZOEINCARNATE’S Evil And Blasphemous Heresies

November 23, 2009

First, we are concerned with ZOEINCARNATE’S absurd notion that “God is a recovering practitioner of violence.” We agree with our fellow Absolute Truth Warrior and Discernmentalist John 14:6 :

Your blasphemy and those of your ilk apparently knows no bounds.

“By this he means that God used to think violence was a good idea, but then gave up on it.”

Are you people serious? What God is this that you claim to follow? A fallible deity who learns from his own mistakes!

Repent of these heretic, man-centered imaginations!

An heart that deviseth wicked imaginations, feet that be swift in running to mischief, — Proverbs 6:18

Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ; — 2 Cor 10:5

Strawman do not position make. Funny how quoting the Bible leads heretics to the accusation that “you alone know blah blah blah”.

It has nothing to do with me. It has everything to do with Holy Scripture. To even entertain the idea that God is a “recovering” anything promotes a position of fallibility to the INFALLIBLE. That is heresy.

You are the created, lest you forget. And you are seeking to assign human frailties and shortcomings to the Creator. That is, also, heresy. God is not like you, get over it.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD. – Isa 55:8

Holy God recovers from nothing. His ways are not our ways. Humble yourself and repent for this heretical thinking.

How many more times will emergents, liberals, and progressive hid behind “cast the first stone”. Are you to utter this to Holy God when you stand before Him? What will you say then, when all your noble thinking, philosophy, and bludgeoning of God’s Holy Word are laid before you and you are found guilty?

I pray for all of you amazing lost people. You truly are promoting high things that exalt themselves against the knowledge of God. Does Scripture tells us God “recovered” from violence? It does not, so put this thought away and repent.

We also pray for Mike Morrell‘s unregenerate and non-elect reprobated soul—we pray that God’s Absolute Sovereign Glory is shown when Mike gets cast away like all those other heretics, sinners and unsaved non-Elect heathens:

We also assert the Biblical Truth that God’s very nature is violence against sinners, for God hates sinners with a holy passion. In fact, He hates them so much that He chose from the foundation of the world to only save  Johh CalvinJohn MacArthur, some other guys named JohnPhil Johnson, Al Mohler, Charles Spurgeon, James White, Todd Friel, Will Kinney and 137,000 other Elected and Predestined Calvinist saints including we of God’s Only Inerrant Party and the Online Discernmentalist Mafia—the rest of humanity then is going to hell because God chose to destroy them before even creating humanity.

Also we wish to point out these 9 other propositions of Biblical Absolute Truths that we know with Absolute Certainty:

1. God never changes. (Malachi 3:6)

2. Therefore God never changes His mind about anything. [ie. Law vs. Grace, Old vs. New Covenants, repented that He made humanity, promised no more Noah type floods, sacrifice vs. mercy, walks with Adam and Eve in Eden vs. unseen in Heaven vs. incarnated Jesus vs. the unseen Risen Lord Jesus of faith, etc. (Genesis 6:6;  Gen. 9:8-17; Hosea 6:6, Matthew 9:13, Matthew 12:7; etc).

3. As change sounds too much like evilution.

4. Therefore change is evil in and of itself

5. As all is Absolute, black and white and in stone.

6. Evilution is a human invention.

7. So therefore God has nothing whatsoever to do with humanity not even in His incarnated form (the fully human-fully God—Jesus).

8. Also God is Absolute.

9. And therefore has nothing whatsoever to do with change aka. evilution.

We also agree with John 14:6 ‘s namesake: “I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.” Indeed we are not  the way, the truth, and the life: so that no man cometh unto the Father, but by us and our discernmentalizations, for we hold the Absolute Truth the King James Bible AV1611 in our hands (instead of God/Jesus the Absolute Truth holding us in His hands). Therefore since we do not hold  the Absolute Truth in our hands, we do not have the rite/right to judgementalize others who do not hold to our opinions of truth the Absolute Truth, ‘for we  alone have a direct line to God in the King James Bible AV1611—the literal words and mind of God. For the King James Bible AV1611 is literally Jesus/God:  

We alone do not have the one true interpretation of scripture as first established by our Final Prophet John Calvin—the perfect exegete whose fruits were nothing but Pure. Afterall, John Calvin is not the Holy Spirit incarnate—the Advocate and Comforter promised in the Bible—the final word on all Christianity:

The doctrine of the work of the Holy Spirit is a gift from John Calvin to the Church of Christ.  He did not, of course, invent it. The whole of it lay spread out on the pages of Scripture with a clearness and fullness of utterance which one would think would secure that even he who ran should read it; and doubtless he who ran did read it, and it has fed the soul of the true believer in all ages.

We alone—the True Chosen Elect of God are not Pure enough in our ontological certainty to go casting the first stone and hurling accusations of missives and discernmentalizations that  correct and refute the errors of non-blasphemy and non-heresy.’

Evil Emergent Plots Found

November 5, 2009

e-s_017

Recently you may recall that Ken Silva was caught in another scandal. Well we have  found that to be  false and upon further discernmentalizing have concluded that the Ken Silva in the video singing “worldly music” just last year which promotes “trance formational dancing” is actually an evil Doppelganger twin of Ken planted by Emergents to mock our Pure Doctrines.

In other news GOIP Eye 2 was shot down by Rob Bell, Doug Pagitt and their heretical crew of Emergent miscreants. Here  is the view captured from GOIP Eye 1:

GOIPEye2mistywithemergentconfusion

Just look at that mystical web of  Emergent confusion surrounding our once lovely rocket satellite! GOIP Eye 3 caught the moment of impact when GOIP Eye 2 exploded:

GOIPEye2Exploding

Rush Limbaugh Unveils A New Dating And Diet Site For All GOIPers

November 4, 2009

Limbaughlovendiet

Here is the site: Limbaugh Love-N-Diet! Dr. Seymore Spurgeon and Phil Johnson can vouch for the benefits of El Rushbo’s site. Here are some of the present results of this Religo-Politico-Dietary Ministry of Absolute Truthiness:

Webisode-D%20Drinks%20Slurpee

me-and-my-old-pants-2

rush-limbaugh-girlfriend-kathryn-rogers