Archive for the ‘Dortian’ Category

Confused? We Have Good News For You:

March 29, 2011

Confused by all the New Age Modern (Per)Versions of the Bible… Tired of all the divisions in the church because your Pastor is actually educated and knows about Textual Criticism (How dare any Divinity school teach such an evil and blasphemous idea!!!)… Never fear have we got Good News for you: Why be in bondage to one Bible translation only like those evil Roman Arminian Papists were with their Latin Vulgate Onlyism when you can believe the complete opposite—King James Authorised 1611 Bible Onlyism for the win—because if it ain’t got the King on the cover it ain’t got the King inside and if it ain’t broke it don’t need fixin’.

Any missionary worth supporting will use ONLY The King James Version (in English) and the Textus Receptus or KJV for translation work !

You have NO business supporting a missionary
who has his car trunk (boot) full of bible versions
to please the whim of the churches he visits.

Such creeps are heretics, and you should send
them packing on down the road. Do not pay their
motel bill, and do not feed them.

They are capitalistic Christians–
making merchandise of the saints.

BEWARE OF SMILEY SAINTS WITH NIVS !!

BEWARE OF HICK GOOD OLD BOY MISSIONARIES
WHO TALK DUMB ABOUT THE TEXTUAL ISSUE.

THEY GOT THAT LINE OF BOLOGNA FROM
TENNESSEE TEMPLE OR BOB JONES U.

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Jerks For Jesus (Our Valued Patrons) Judgmentalize Japan

March 16, 2011

 

Did Japan deserve the tsunami, specifically, and the painful afterplay?  No way, no how.  Japan deserves far worse.  Japan is a pagan, idolatrous, perverted nation full of pagan, idolatrous, perverted people.  Perverted, pagan idolatry is sin, and sin must be punished.  God will not be patient with sin and sinners forever.  Comparably-minor judgments like these are mere foreshadowings and tastes of the judgment to come.  I believe that the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor was a sin as well, in and of itself, and as such deserves punishment and judgment.  Even if the attack were justified, it is impossible to argue that it was carried out with 100% pure motives and in 100% pure ways. —Rhoblogy

We are so proud of our faithful student Rhoblogy—why he is almost the judgmentalist that we are and we are twice the judgementalists than Ken Silva yet not quite the judgmentalists that Sharin’ Whiplash is. Rhoblogy is so astute in his judgmentalism that he sets standards that would even confound our great and affectionate Uncle the great and all-powerful Pastor-Teacher to the Internet congregation of the True Remnant himself.

We agree with Rhoblogy for as Todd Friel’s pal has said echoing John MacArthur’s Pure Truth War Doctrines©®™:

A simple reading of the Bible shows how God uses natural disasters to further his purposes. Earthquakes, floods, famine, locusts, etc. they’re all there, but man hates it. Rather than humbly acknowledging that God’s ways are not our ways, man rails against and accuses God. The last thing they will do is cry out for his mercy in Jesus Christ.

We also like Rhoblogy are no friends of sinners or the Japanese for as Al Mohler says: “God hates sin/sinners, and will punish both individual sinners and nations.”—therefore we also hate sickos, perverts, reprobate nations, sinners and people in general unless they are just like us or believe exactly like us in the same way that we do (except on rare occaisions when we must discernmentalize ourselves and other Discernmentalists).

It’s The Most Satanic Time of the Year.

December 24, 2010

Christmas….Bah Humbug. Christ-mass and Easter are blasphemous fables of the Whore of Babylon (the Roman Catholic Church) and the Anti-Christ  (the Pope). Our resident Grinch and Puritanazi Scrooge has blessed us with another insightful message this year. Note:  Sharon M. Whitley: “Btw, if you want to see a large, lavish Christmas display in a mall… go to Dubai in the UAE! Many countries that are not Christian celebrate this holiday. That right there should tell Christians it’s not of God!”

I mean why should we celebrate an unbiblical holiday like Christmas as the reprobated pagan heathens and Catholics do. I mean it’s not like the Bible ever says: “For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.” Now we demand that you go out and spend more money so that you can support something Truly Biblical like war and Capitalism. Now excuse me while I go out and sprinkle some more infants using a Trinitarian formula after preaching on the Augustinian doctrine of double predestination and a limited atonement and then later go attend a church wedding.

P. S. Also remember to support our Truth War against German Lutherans.

Discernmentalists Declare Truth War On German Lutherans

December 13, 2010

We Discernmentalists have noticed that Germany is “spiritually dead.” This is because Germany has been untouched by the Protestant Reformation since the Reformation “truly” started in 16th century Geneva:

Using such clear Biblical language such as this: 

U r a blustery, supremacistic windbag who issues his illiterate thumperies about Reformed Theology, but, like a cowering lad, cannot take rejoinders. Publish the rebukes, lad. “Man up, ” Paul. “Fleet up,” son. Luther himself would dislike these shrunken nads.

U bluster to your constituency, but like a cowering lad, with shrunken gonads, you falter before an equal and greater force, namely, me. 

Laughing at the puerility first posted re: the puerility. “It is what it is is.” “It was what it is,” puerility. U look pretty disgusting, supremacistic, ignorant and famously hubristical. A “cow fart” to cite Luther. “Hot drippings from under the pig’s tail” are appropriate to this supremacistic, ignorant and arrogant hutzpah.

Paul, sell these bathing suits to other Lutheran Eskimoesi in the market for such, but not to Reformational men. We’re not in that stupid market.

“Man up,” laddie, “man up.” Get a pair, Paul. 

Over nine hours, lad, big Paul, your severally shrivelled nads are on display. Quite ugly and quite shrivelled. Not the stuff of manhood, Paul. Sell your nonsense to other carivaneers and carnivcal barkers of Confessional insipidity and shallowness. You are a noted man, but not for valour nor depth.

Your Reformed, quite English, and very Anglican friend who is not in the market for Lutheran supremacism.

Veitch

We plan to unleash the “Pure Gospel” of God’s Sovereign Wrath upon the spiritually dead lands of Germany. Hopefully a “Truly Reformed” and “True Reformational” church can be planted in Germany.

P. S. We even heard from one of our Research Robot Monkeys that Luther celebrated Roman pagan papal idolatries therefore his followers are Romanist Arminianists in need of hearing the “Absolute Biblical Truth Gospel (TULIP).”   

Brannon Howse Exposes Richard Land’s New World Order

October 5, 2010

Item #1 on Brannon Howse’s New World Order Agenda plans for fellow Discernmentalists is to discernmentalize the following groups of people and their unbiblical *(note: anti-American) agendas: Marxists, Muslims, Mormons, Globalists, and Richard Land of the Southern Baptist Convention.

“Sadly,” notes Brannon Howse (our beloved Führer); “I believe the Southern Baptist Convention’s Ethics and Religious Liberty Commission headed by Richard Land is being used to push radically unbiblical, politically correct, and anti-American agendas. As a member of a solid, Bible teaching SBC church, I am very concerned about Land’s activities. However, I think even those that are not a member of an SBC church should be concerned since Land is speaking as an evangelical.”

Reasons why we all must now take a stand in God’s Absolute Sovereign Wrath by supporting  Brannon Howse’s Truth War against Richard Land of the Southern Baptist Convention’s Ethics & Religious Liberty Commission:

  • He’s recently and slowly joined the Axis of Evil—we have Absolute Proof:
  • He’s aided the terrorists as Land Endorsed the U.S. Muslim Engagement Project and is helping to build Mosques
  • He’s too soft on Emergent and Red Letter Christian heretics as Land endorsed a book by Radical Jim Walls
  • He’s a closet postmodern universalist/pluralistic ecumenist for Land gives credibility to Mormonism
  • He is for illegal aliens invading our hallowed God-blessed land as (Richard) Land promotes Obama’s amnesty agenda
  • He is for the Antichrist and the Antichrist’s New One World Religous Government and Economy (NWO) for Land gives credibility to global governance

How you can help aid Brannon Howse as a Discernmentalist and Truth Warrior:

While there may be a few liberal “Christians” that applaud Land as he gives credibility to globalism, ecumenicalism, Mormonism, Neo-Marxism, amnesty and Islam; I know many conservative, Bible-believing Christians are eagerly waiting for a swift and Biblical response by SBC leaders to Mr. Land’s unbiblical and unequally yoked spiritual endeavors. I have had several SBC pastors express their concern to me about Mr. Land’s activities. In fact, many SBC pastors and members have requested this article so they might distribute it to other SBC pastors and members in hopes Land can be stopped from using his position, the SBC name, and SBC funds to give credibility to these radical causes.

We all must now band together at once as people of different denominational and faith backgrounds in the tradition of Worldview Weekend to take a stand against Richard Land and his apostasy from Brannon Howse’s One World Fascist American Theocratic Agenda Absolute Biblical Truth and his treasonous behavior towards the American Gospel.

New Hideous Hybrid Found

August 29, 2010

In a  horrible freak radioactive accident of nature: Ken Silva, Brannon Howse, Jim Wallis, James Dobson, Todd Friel, Jan Markell, Brian McLaren and a whole host of others combining their anti-Glenn Beck powers have mutated—becoming SHAT—the antiBeckian Shark-Cat. Quite frankly we are disappointed with all the liberalism and apostasy in our very Discernmentalist ranks.  We are not surprised with liberal apostates Wallis and McLaren being ungodly and anti-American but Ken, Brannon, deddy, Todd and Jan…come on, Remember in order to be Truly Godly, one  must be for America First.  So remember Soli America Gloriae!

Contrary To Popular Opinion…

July 24, 2010

…The Amish And Not Radical Muslims Were Responsible For The 9-11 World Trade Center Terrorist Attacks.

We have Absolute Proof:

Returning back to a previous comment made by one of our Research Robot Monkeys:  

“Calvinists in  the time of the Reformation considered the Anabaptists to be more dangerous and threatening to the Reformation and to true Biblical Christianity than Romanism.”

We agree—oh how evil those Anabaptists were—I mean how dare they not participate in such Christ-Centered and God-exalting activities such as burning people alive at the stake, drowning people, locking people in their church buildings and setting it and them aflame, torturing random people, etc. Now that’s what I call “true Biblical Christianity”—I mean it’s not like the Roman Catholic Church ever did any of that stuff. Oh no they were never as Godly as our Saints. Besides remember these Pure Words from our Truth War Epistles: “Whoever shall now contend that it is unjust to put heretics and blasphemers to death will knowingly and willingly incur their very guilt.”

Just listen to some of the horrible and man-exalting beliefs of the Anabaptists—Balthasar Hubmaier, Concerning Heretics and Those Who Burn Them:

You see there the Anabaptists attacked our Pure Bible-Based Gospel Doctrines that is why they were and still are so vicious and sinister. Clearly the Anabaptists were such monstrous and Godless heathens as:

“These miserable fanatics have no other goal than to put everything into disorder.. They reveal themselves to be the enemies of God and of the human race…” 

In fact because “Calvinists in  the time of the Reformation considered the Anabaptists to be more dangerous and threatening to the Reformation and to true Biblical Christianity than Romanism”—we believe that the Amish and other Anabaptist sects of today are more dangerous and threatening to true Biblical Christianity than Radical Muslims. In fact, We Know that the Amish are truly Spiritual Terrorists since the Amish are pacifists, and we know all pacifists are Amerika-haters/pinko-commies/muslim/atheist/cheese-eaters/junk-heads, so of course they would be responsible for the 9-11 terrorist attacks, the Great Depression, Pearl Harbor and all the other attacks on us, our Pure Doctrines and our Godly Way of Life.

Discernmentalist Inclusiveness!

July 16, 2010

Our list of enemies keeps growing and growing:

“Calvinism Unnatural”: Gay Christians Say

July 3, 2010

Fellow Discernmentalists…Beware… We are Under Attack again. The Gay Christian League of Anti-Christs for the Destruction of Biblical Morality have issued this controversial statement:

We have to continue to witness against the evil of Calvinism and pray that the Lord will open the blind eyes of those deceived by this unnatural behavior. We’re not remotely concerned about being politically correct about this issue. We know that Calvinists have chosen to continue believing in their fatalistic and self-destructive philosophy. We only pray that God will deliver them and change them to accepting their God-ordained Freedom in Christ. Yes Calvinism is unnatural…for who in their right mind would willing comply with subjecting themselves to being a mere automaton slave of the unpredictable whims of a fickle God of Wrath? No we are not robot zombie puppets…after all for Freedom’s sake Christ came to set us Free.   

Oh the horror of such rank heresy and bigoted terms! How dare anyone attack our Pure Biblical Truth Gospel like that. How dare anyone suggest that such a thing as Libertarian Free Will exists…why that goes against every moral fiber of our sound Biblical eisegesis exegesis. How can grace be grace if it is a free gift that just anyone can freely choose to accept and how can grace be a free gift if it wasn’t freely given to those whom God fatalistically pre-chose to give it to? We are appalled that anyone would dare think  differently than us. I mean it’s not like those stone dead in their sins can hear God’s voice anyway. No that would be too synergistic and we know that God never ever cooperates with man in anything. Remember these tried and true Pure words from our Gospels:  “Jacob I loved, but Esau I hated”—which we know has everything to do with salvation in Christ.

Getting back to The Gay Christian League of Anti-Christs for the Destruction of Biblical Morality, their attacks have even taken a far sinister turn when they suggested that John Calvin was actually a queerosexual. We can’t stand for this bigoted libel and slander of  ‘a great and holy man of God so greatly used by our Absolutely Sovereign Lord of Vengeful Jealous Wrath without whom we would all still be struggling in the dark ignorance of Roman Arminianism that man-exalting heresy.’ Some members of  The Gay Christian League of Anti-Christs for the Destruction of Biblical Morality have stated that Calvinists were born the way they are and choose to remain Calvinist and glorify their mentally unbalanced disease:

However the large majority of  The Gay Christian League of Anti-Christs for the Destruction of Biblical Morality believe that Calvinism is a choice and that Calvinists should repent of their abnormal, unnatural and unbiblical behavior.  The Gay Christian League of Anti-Christs for the Destruction of Biblical Morality have even set up centers for deprogramming Calvinists.  We have reason to suspect that the leaders who caused all these recent attacks are none other than Greg McCaw a self-avowed gay queer fag Emergent Christian (an oxymoron if there ever was one)—in conjunction with a heretic named Tom and another fag named Alvin McEwen. Fellow Discernmentalists we must not stand for these bigoted lies against our Pure Biblical Gospel Truth Doctrines—the Once For All Biblically Correct Pure Gospel Truth Doctrines delivered to the Saints like John Owen and Augustus Toplady lest the Church fall into the hands of the Emerging Homosexualist agenda of Emergent apostates.

P. S. We are not bigots for taking a stand against all you Arminian, Emergent and queer reprobates…we are just speaking the Truth in love and grace of course!

What Manner Of Calvinists Are You?

June 30, 2010

Dear Dr. Jobson,

I am a new follower of your site and the Online Discernmentalist Mafia… from what I’ve viewed so far I’m impressed but have a few quick questions for you:

Could you please tell me your standing on the 5 points of Calvinism? Do you believe in TULIP? The “Divines of Dort?” Just what manner of Calvinists are you and the rest of the crew of your fine d-i-s-s-e-r-n-m-e-n-t ministries?

Signed,

A concerned reader—I. R. Monkey

———————————————————————————————-

 

Dear I. R. Monkey,

We assure you by our eternally secured elect salvation that we are among the highest pedigree of Calvinists. We know that we are among the Regenerate Predestined Elect for whom God chose from the foundation of the world to send His son for and to limit His atonement for—all out of His good pleasure of course and all for His glory. You see our God the True God is a jealous and vain God who needs and doesn’t need humans at the same time—but He doesn’t need just any humans—He needs Divine Truth Warrior humans. He doesn’t need Arminians, Emergents and Catholics, etc. however.

This was why we were unable to resist His great wrath rape hate grace in electing us as Truth Warriors. We not only believe in the 5 points of Calvinism that John MacArthur and Ken Silva and all our other fellow ODMs hold to but we also believe in the 4 extra points of Calvinism that all ODMs hold in common as well though we are still 1 point behind Sharin’ Whiplash. We also believe in all 5 Solas alone so you see we are above and beyond your average Calvinist for we are True Bible-Based Calvinists. We only hope that you will one day come to unconditionally accept our Pure Doctrines and teachings as Absolute Truth. We also hope through your total inability that you unconditionally accept our conditions of repentance and belief lest you be among the unregenerate reprobated non-elect sinners chosen to bear God’s Absolute Sovereign Wrath in the “real place” that is hell. We hope that clears up where we stand.

In the wide mercy of His loving wrath,

Dr. Don Jobson