Archive for the ‘Deformed Reader’ Category

Are You Truly Reformed?

June 3, 2019

EMF-MEL-REMATDD-2Tref

Only Truly Reformed Calvinists who tip the scales of our Discernmentalist Rating scale will be saved. Can you get a high score on our meter and pass our test:

You might be a TR (Totally Reformed) if…

1. You first quote the Westminster Confession and then say, “Oh yeah, the Bible says this somewhere, too.”
2. You refuse to vote for Jesus as Time Magazine’s “Person of the Year” because you don’t want an image of Christ on the front cover.
3. You secretly believe that you have to believe in election to be saved.
4. You think Puritans are really, really, really, REALLY cool.
5. While not being a theonomist, you completely understand them.
6. While officially affirming the “priesthood of all believers,” the only people you really trust to interpret Scripture are Calvin and yourself, and you only trust yourself on Thursdays before noon.
7. For you, a Baptist and stupid are the same word.
8. A “Reformed Baptist” and a “square circle” are equally as difficult for you to imagine.
9. You wonder what the Holy Spirit was up to between the times of Paul and Calvin.
10. You think women belong in the home and not in any pulpit, much less a staff position in large churches.
11. At some point in your life, you honestly believed that the only people who are saved are you and your buddy who thinks just like you, and then you kind of have to wonder about him because he DOES think just like you.
12. You think any church that has more than 200 people is probably apostate.
13. You are personally repulsed by Campus Crusade for Christ.
14. It is harder for you to keep the Sabbath than it is to fill out your taxes.
15. You keep telling yourself that Willow Creek has to be a really bad dream.
16. You’ve considered stoning someone.
17. You’ve seriously thought about lighting up a cigarette in church.
18. You think “that Pope as the Antichrist thing” should never have been taken out of the Confession.
19. Saying a blessing before the first round of drinks doesn’t seem strange to you at all.
20. Your favorite Bible is your “Authorized Bahnsen Version.”
21. You’re convinced that everyone in your Presbytery is secretly a 33rd degree Mason.
22. You know that the Apocrypha doesn’t belong in the canon, but you wonder sometimes whether we should add Van Til’s, “The Defense of the Faith.”
23. You pray daily for God to release His judgment on para-church ministries.
24. You think no true evangelism has been done without at least 3 lengthy quotes from the Confession.
25. You can’t figure out why God didn’t take Van Til like He did Enoch.
26. For you, tobacco is its own major food group.
27. You like Sproul Jr. a whole lot better than his father.
28. You think John Gerstner was an Arminian who knows better now.
29. You think the “Concerned Presbyterians” are way too moderate.
30. The only reason you haven’t condemned Covenant Seminary is because you went there and you don’t want to invalidate your entire theological training.
31. You have no idea what personality type you are, which explains why you are a TR.

Book Review Of The Month: Doug Wilson’s RapeGod!

May 11, 2019

thugwils

“A man  penetrates, conquers, colonizes, plants. A woman receives, surrenders, accepts.”—Doug Wilson

We’re reviewing book reviews in our local Discernmentalist Book Club this month and this one particular ear-tickling Postmodern unbeliever’s book review of the great Doug Wilson (Neo-Confederate Rape-apologist)‘s wonderfully Biblically accurate book on human relations as defined by God RapeGod made us laugh:

It isn’t fair to critique a book I haven’t read. That being said, the title and the contents offend me right from the start. “RapeGod”: It doesn’t take a genius to observe our current culture and the trashiness that exists–and this “author” will join together in a title what humans have abused with the One who created it (to be enjoyed within the confines of marriage)?

Have some RESPECT for the holy God!! The Jews, out of reverence for God won’t even type or write out his name as we do. They will use G-d!

And the name of the chapters: “God Wears Lipstick”, “Leather, Whips and Fruit”, “Whoopee Forever”. No further comment.

Just read the Bible! See our sin, and how a Holy God cannot have fellowship (connection) with sin, and how he provided redemption Rev. 5:9 “with your blood you purchased men for God”. Read Revelation and how God has a future in Heaven, perfect, free from sin. Rev 4:8: “Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty…”.

Whoopee forever? Not. Worship God forever, oh yes!

First Mr. Ear Tickles attacks a core Doctrine of Discernmentalism: reviewing books we haven’t even read and then attacking said books on our Mighty Truth Warrior Blogs—by accusing them of promoting heresy based on a blurb we read online or a video preview. Also the Hard Truths of our Truth War Gospel will always offend those with itching ears looking for a feel-good watered-down sissified Socialist heretically liberal gospel like Emergents preach. Secondly Doug Wilson (Neo-Confederate rape-apologist) only writes on the trashiness of our current culture in order to warn readers of the dangers of our many enemies who attack our Pure Doctrines of Biblical Manhood and womanhood like Emergents; socialists; progressives; Rock music; hippies; Harry Potter; liberals; mystics; video games; the “Emerging” Village People; queerosexuals; femimarxists; girliemen; Ken and Barbie dolls; Pokémon; Santa Claus; the Easter Bunny; aliens; Bigfoot; etc. He only wants to protect women as this quote from the book demonstrates:

If a woman were responsible to submit to men in general, her life would be unbearable no one can serve two masters. But a woman who is responsive to a godly man is protected from having to submit to other men, most of whom are less than godly. She consequently has a great deal more liberty than a woman who not protected in this way. Thus the so-called “independent” woman is not under any kind of protection. She is truly on her own, but with the result being that she is buffeted about by all sorts of men. But if her father were doing what he ought to do, or if she were in a marriage relationship where the husband was doing what he ought to do, she would be protected from the insults and harassment of men in general This explains why some of the most “independent” women are so insecure, and why some of the most submissive women have a real security and strength of mind. Women inescapably need godly masculine protection against ungodly masculine harassment; women who refuse protection from their fathers and husbands must seek it from the police. But women who genuinely insist on “no masculine protection” are really women who tacitly agree on the propriety of rape. Whenever someone sets himself to go against God’s design, horrible problems will always result. The Bible says that we find the way to true self-discovery through self-surrender. Those who exalt themselves are humbled, and vice versa. In the feminist movement over the last several decades, women have been looking for (and have not yet found) themselves. This is because they have been trying to find and identify their role apart from God’s design. The beauty of biblical courtship is that it never leaves women unprotected. (RapeGod pg. 13)

Were Mr. Ear Tickles who we now suspect is a fememergent plant serious about reviewing this classic by Doug Wilson (Neo-Confederate rape-apologist) he would have already known that via Bible-based osmosis. Next his terrible review accuses Doug (Neo-Confederate rape-apologist) of disrespecting the God of the Bible.  How can this be—when Doug (Neo-Confederate rape-apologist) has spent his whole life defending Absolute Biblical Truth such as the Confederacy’s Divine Right to own slaves and commit Treason on account of States’ Rights.  Doug Wilson (Neo-Confederate rape-apologist) has more respect for the God of the Bible than quasi-Universalist mystic emergence guru Rob Bell and the once sex-obsessed Mark Driscoll combined. Here’s proof— later the book stated:

Male authority is an erotic necessity. In order to make love, a man must be hard and the woman soft. This is not just a physiological detail, but a metaphor for their whole relationship. Feminists, having demanded soft men, have discovered that it is beyond exasperating to be locked in a rape fantasy with some Caspar Milquetoast. Ravish me! she pleads with her eyes. Let’s go down to the aquarium, he says, and look at the endangered species exhibit. If you are going to go for soft, then another woman makes better sense. Lesbianism, it turns out, has an internal logic. (RapeGod pgs.142–143)

Next if one’s not willing to write God’s name out then one never believed in God to begin with (by the way God’s name is God as distinguished from other gods or a god like Allah). Also we caught Mr. Ear Tickle lying as he read the chapter titles—so much for not reading the book like a True Discernmentalist book-reviewer does. Here we agree with the ear-tickler to read the Bible but only if its an ODM-approved Bible such as the AV1611 King James or our Truth War Pope’s Glorious Study Bibles. Speaking of our Truth War that book is required reading for all True Truth Warriors—otherwise how will we know which truths of ours are always being attacked that we are called to ever-defend?

Before his concluding remarks Mr. Ear-Tickler mentions the Trinity without shewing how RapeGod by Doug Wilson (Semi-Arian slavery-apologist) defends the unBiblically unorthodox Orthodox Doctrine of Christ’s subordination to the Father in the Godhead just like a woman is subordinate to her father first and then her husband which is exactly nothing at all like the Arian heresy that Christ is subordinate to the Father in the Godhead. One final thought on RapeGod is Doug (Semi-Arian slavery-apologist)‘s warning from it’s epilogue which is why it is highly recommended by Discernmentalists:

Comes now some academic bloviation to help us all through whatever remaining prejudices we might have had about the molestation of children (HT: Baylyblog & Frank Turk). At issue is the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), which is still, even in these postmodern times, filled with hatred and outmoded forms of discriminatory malice. It appears that pedophilia and hebephilia are still listed as disorders, and boy, do we have some work to do! You know, addressing all that hatred.

For those just joining us, the days are coming when the only entry left in the DSM will be the then outlawed practice of intercourse in the missionary position by a heterosexual married couple.

New Quick And Painless Way

June 27, 2011

To Remove Jesus From Your Heart:

Have you ever asked Jesus into your heart? What about accepting Jesus as the Lord and Savior of your life? Or receiving Jesus to fill your God-shaped hole? Is Jesus more important to you than any other religious leader? If you answered yes to any of the following—congratulations you’re not even a Real and True Christian and most likely worship Satan, the Pope or Mary as your dark lord and master a False Convert.

If you have found that you were rated a False Convert—never fear Todd Friel with Brannon Howse’s help have introduced a new quick and pain-free way to reverse your status and make sure that you become a True Convert this time around. Introducing the new surgical procedure to surgically remove Jesus from False Converts’ hearts: Operation JesuScopic Surgery! Why let Jesus fool around in your heart when you can have your heart filled with the Puritan Hard Drive (PHD)—now with twice the amount of John Owen’s fatalistic arrogance!

Pastor Chris Harris Teaches Discernmentalists How To Block “Anti-Haters”

April 17, 2011

  1. Before blocking an “anti-hater” make sure to tell them how much you hate them and their man-exalting heresies because anti-haters are the true haters.
  2. Make sure to post “Arminianism – The Road back to Rome” by Rev. Augustus Toplady on their walls to show them just how evil and man-centered their theology is since it came in part from the Roman Catholics because Calvinism didn’t come from Roman Catholic Augustinianism you know.
  3. Also make sure to tell them: “Look Reprobate keep your TRASH on your own wall and off of mine!”
  4. Continue to slander the beliefs of those who continue to hate your hatred and bigotry Pure Doctrines.
  5. Never utter a kind word about “the anti-hater’s” beliefs.
  6. Praise God for John Calvin, John Knox, John Owen, Augustus Toplady and the Dortian Divines and exalt them above all other theologians (that’s not Man-Centered you know).
  7. Finally block “the anti-hater” to show them there is no hope of  salvation or reconciliation for them since they don’t believe in the Absolute Biblical Truth your self-centered and self-righteous opinions.
  8. Rejoice that “the anti-hater” will not spend eternity in hell because God did not foreordained it they disagree with your self-righteous and man-made theology.

Confused? We Have Good News For You:

March 29, 2011

Confused by all the New Age Modern (Per)Versions of the Bible… Tired of all the divisions in the church because your Pastor is actually educated and knows about Textual Criticism (How dare any Divinity school teach such an evil and blasphemous idea!!!)… Never fear have we got Good News for you: Why be in bondage to one Bible translation only like those evil Roman Arminian Papists were with their Latin Vulgate Onlyism when you can believe the complete opposite—King James Authorised 1611 Bible Onlyism for the win—because if it ain’t got the King on the cover it ain’t got the King inside and if it ain’t broke it don’t need fixin’.

Any missionary worth supporting will use ONLY The King James Version (in English) and the Textus Receptus or KJV for translation work !

You have NO business supporting a missionary
who has his car trunk (boot) full of bible versions
to please the whim of the churches he visits.

Such creeps are heretics, and you should send
them packing on down the road. Do not pay their
motel bill, and do not feed them.

They are capitalistic Christians–
making merchandise of the saints.

BEWARE OF SMILEY SAINTS WITH NIVS !!

BEWARE OF HICK GOOD OLD BOY MISSIONARIES
WHO TALK DUMB ABOUT THE TEXTUAL ISSUE.

THEY GOT THAT LINE OF BOLOGNA FROM
TENNESSEE TEMPLE OR BOB JONES U.

Jerks For Jesus (Our Valued Patrons) Judgmentalize Japan

March 16, 2011

 

Did Japan deserve the tsunami, specifically, and the painful afterplay?  No way, no how.  Japan deserves far worse.  Japan is a pagan, idolatrous, perverted nation full of pagan, idolatrous, perverted people.  Perverted, pagan idolatry is sin, and sin must be punished.  God will not be patient with sin and sinners forever.  Comparably-minor judgments like these are mere foreshadowings and tastes of the judgment to come.  I believe that the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor was a sin as well, in and of itself, and as such deserves punishment and judgment.  Even if the attack were justified, it is impossible to argue that it was carried out with 100% pure motives and in 100% pure ways. —Rhoblogy

We are so proud of our faithful student Rhoblogy—why he is almost the judgmentalist that we are and we are twice the judgementalists than Ken Silva yet not quite the judgmentalists that Sharin’ Whiplash is. Rhoblogy is so astute in his judgmentalism that he sets standards that would even confound our great and affectionate Uncle the great and all-powerful Pastor-Teacher to the Internet congregation of the True Remnant himself.

We agree with Rhoblogy for as Todd Friel’s pal has said echoing John MacArthur’s Pure Truth War Doctrines©®™:

A simple reading of the Bible shows how God uses natural disasters to further his purposes. Earthquakes, floods, famine, locusts, etc. they’re all there, but man hates it. Rather than humbly acknowledging that God’s ways are not our ways, man rails against and accuses God. The last thing they will do is cry out for his mercy in Jesus Christ.

We also like Rhoblogy are no friends of sinners or the Japanese for as Al Mohler says: “God hates sin/sinners, and will punish both individual sinners and nations.”—therefore we also hate sickos, perverts, reprobate nations, sinners and people in general unless they are just like us or believe exactly like us in the same way that we do (except on rare occaisions when we must discernmentalize ourselves and other Discernmentalists).

Contrary To Popular Opinion…

July 24, 2010

…The Amish And Not Radical Muslims Were Responsible For The 9-11 World Trade Center Terrorist Attacks.

We have Absolute Proof:

Returning back to a previous comment made by one of our Research Robot Monkeys:  

“Calvinists in  the time of the Reformation considered the Anabaptists to be more dangerous and threatening to the Reformation and to true Biblical Christianity than Romanism.”

We agree—oh how evil those Anabaptists were—I mean how dare they not participate in such Christ-Centered and God-exalting activities such as burning people alive at the stake, drowning people, locking people in their church buildings and setting it and them aflame, torturing random people, etc. Now that’s what I call “true Biblical Christianity”—I mean it’s not like the Roman Catholic Church ever did any of that stuff. Oh no they were never as Godly as our Saints. Besides remember these Pure Words from our Truth War Epistles: “Whoever shall now contend that it is unjust to put heretics and blasphemers to death will knowingly and willingly incur their very guilt.”

Just listen to some of the horrible and man-exalting beliefs of the Anabaptists—Balthasar Hubmaier, Concerning Heretics and Those Who Burn Them:

You see there the Anabaptists attacked our Pure Bible-Based Gospel Doctrines that is why they were and still are so vicious and sinister. Clearly the Anabaptists were such monstrous and Godless heathens as:

“These miserable fanatics have no other goal than to put everything into disorder.. They reveal themselves to be the enemies of God and of the human race…” 

In fact because “Calvinists in  the time of the Reformation considered the Anabaptists to be more dangerous and threatening to the Reformation and to true Biblical Christianity than Romanism”—we believe that the Amish and other Anabaptist sects of today are more dangerous and threatening to true Biblical Christianity than Radical Muslims. In fact, We Know that the Amish are truly Spiritual Terrorists since the Amish are pacifists, and we know all pacifists are Amerika-haters/pinko-commies/muslim/atheist/cheese-eaters/junk-heads, so of course they would be responsible for the 9-11 terrorist attacks, the Great Depression, Pearl Harbor and all the other attacks on us, our Pure Doctrines and our Godly Way of Life.

Beat Your Kids For Jesus!

July 5, 2010

Brannon Howse and New World Order Weekend along with one of our faithful Research Robot Monkeys bring you a matter of upmost importance: 

We must not stand for the UN trying to take away our Divine right to beat and abuse our children as punishment. Remember these Pure Thoughts and Pure Doctrines from our Gospels: Child Abuse and torture are Biblical!

America’s True Founders

July 4, 2010

This July 4th remember the True Founders of America by buying our new Bible based on the American Gospel. Who are America’s True Founders you may ask? Well  the answer should be simple right:

 Which of these writers influenced the political philosophy and origins of the founding documents of the United States of America:  President Thomas Jefferson, John Calvin, and/or Saint Thomas Aquinas? Easy, right?  The answer is President Thomas Jefferson.   You know, Jefferson, the author of the Declaration of Independence, and one of the many founders who threw off the religious tyranny of then-England and safeguarded the separation of church and state in our government. WRONG!  If you are one of the 80% of  students in the U.S.A. who will be reading textbooks published in Texas, you wouldn’t know that President Thomas Jefferson is a writer who influenced the intellectual origins of our nation.    Instead, you will be taught that Protestant “reformer” John Calvin  and medieval-minded, pre-rational-thinking Catholic Saint Thomas Aquinas are the true influences upon our nation’s founding documents. 

By buying Our Pure Bible you’ll support our cause and learn these True Facts and more:

The Patriot’s Edition of the 1599 Geneva Bible is the same Scripture, word for word, that the Pilgrims brought to America nearly 400 years ago. This new edition, however, features a prayer by George Washington, which begins…

“O eternal and everlasting God, i presume to present myself this morning before thy divine majesty, beseeching thee to accept of my humble and hearty thanks, that it hath pleased thy great goodness to keep and preserve me the night past from all the dangers poor mortals are subject to, and has given me sweet and pleasant sleep, whereby i find my body refreshed and comforted for performing the duties of this day, in which i beseech thee to defend me from all perils of body and soul…”

This edition also includes the following historical documents, which are based upon Biblical principles:

•The Magna Carta

•The Mayflower Compact

•The Declaration of Independence

•The Articles of Confederation

•The Constitution of the United States

•Amendments to the U.S. Constitution

•Rules of Civility & Decent Behavior

ENDORSEMENTS:

“The publication and promulgation of the 1599 Geneva Bible will help restore America’s rich Christian heritage and reclaim the culture for Christ.”

Dr. D. James Kennedy, Senior Pastor of Coral Ridge Presbyterian Church

Buy one or two or three or even more and remember to also oppose the Mosque at “Ground Zero” just like Sharin’ Whiplash does.

P. S. Remember Separation of Church of State is a heretical lie from the pit of hell cooked up by secular humanist liberal atheistic crackpots.

“Calvinism Unnatural”: Gay Christians Say

July 3, 2010

Fellow Discernmentalists…Beware… We are Under Attack again. The Gay Christian League of Anti-Christs for the Destruction of Biblical Morality have issued this controversial statement:

We have to continue to witness against the evil of Calvinism and pray that the Lord will open the blind eyes of those deceived by this unnatural behavior. We’re not remotely concerned about being politically correct about this issue. We know that Calvinists have chosen to continue believing in their fatalistic and self-destructive philosophy. We only pray that God will deliver them and change them to accepting their God-ordained Freedom in Christ. Yes Calvinism is unnatural…for who in their right mind would willing comply with subjecting themselves to being a mere automaton slave of the unpredictable whims of a fickle God of Wrath? No we are not robot zombie puppets…after all for Freedom’s sake Christ came to set us Free.   

Oh the horror of such rank heresy and bigoted terms! How dare anyone attack our Pure Biblical Truth Gospel like that. How dare anyone suggest that such a thing as Libertarian Free Will exists…why that goes against every moral fiber of our sound Biblical eisegesis exegesis. How can grace be grace if it is a free gift that just anyone can freely choose to accept and how can grace be a free gift if it wasn’t freely given to those whom God fatalistically pre-chose to give it to? We are appalled that anyone would dare think  differently than us. I mean it’s not like those stone dead in their sins can hear God’s voice anyway. No that would be too synergistic and we know that God never ever cooperates with man in anything. Remember these tried and true Pure words from our Gospels:  “Jacob I loved, but Esau I hated”—which we know has everything to do with salvation in Christ.

Getting back to The Gay Christian League of Anti-Christs for the Destruction of Biblical Morality, their attacks have even taken a far sinister turn when they suggested that John Calvin was actually a queerosexual. We can’t stand for this bigoted libel and slander of  ‘a great and holy man of God so greatly used by our Absolutely Sovereign Lord of Vengeful Jealous Wrath without whom we would all still be struggling in the dark ignorance of Roman Arminianism that man-exalting heresy.’ Some members of  The Gay Christian League of Anti-Christs for the Destruction of Biblical Morality have stated that Calvinists were born the way they are and choose to remain Calvinist and glorify their mentally unbalanced disease:

However the large majority of  The Gay Christian League of Anti-Christs for the Destruction of Biblical Morality believe that Calvinism is a choice and that Calvinists should repent of their abnormal, unnatural and unbiblical behavior.  The Gay Christian League of Anti-Christs for the Destruction of Biblical Morality have even set up centers for deprogramming Calvinists.  We have reason to suspect that the leaders who caused all these recent attacks are none other than Greg McCaw a self-avowed gay queer fag Emergent Christian (an oxymoron if there ever was one)—in conjunction with a heretic named Tom and another fag named Alvin McEwen. Fellow Discernmentalists we must not stand for these bigoted lies against our Pure Biblical Gospel Truth Doctrines—the Once For All Biblically Correct Pure Gospel Truth Doctrines delivered to the Saints like John Owen and Augustus Toplady lest the Church fall into the hands of the Emerging Homosexualist agenda of Emergent apostates.

P. S. We are not bigots for taking a stand against all you Arminian, Emergent and queer reprobates…we are just speaking the Truth in love and grace of course!