1. You first quote the Westminster Confession and then say, “Oh yeah, the Bible says this somewhere, too.”
2. You refuse to vote for Jesus as Time Magazine’s “Person of the Year” because you don’t want an image of Christ on the front cover.
3. You secretly believe that you have to believe in election to be saved.
4. You think Puritans are really, really, really, REALLY cool.
5. While not being a theonomist, you completely understand them.
6. While officially affirming the “priesthood of all believers,” the only people you really trust to interpret Scripture are Calvin and yourself, and you only trust yourself on Thursdays before noon.
7. For you, a Baptist and stupid are the same word.
8. A “Reformed Baptist” and a “square circle” are equally as difficult for you to imagine.
9. You wonder what the Holy Spirit was up to between the times of Paul and Calvin.
10. You think women belong in the home and not in any pulpit, much less a staff position in large churches.
11. At some point in your life, you honestly believed that the only people who are saved are you and your buddy who thinks just like you, and then you kind of have to wonder about him because he DOES think just like you.
12. You think any church that has more than 200 people is probably apostate.
13. You are personally repulsed by Campus Crusade for Christ.
14. It is harder for you to keep the Sabbath than it is to fill out your taxes.
15. You keep telling yourself that Willow Creek has to be a really bad dream.
16. You’ve considered stoning someone.
17. You’ve seriously thought about lighting up a cigarette in church.
18. You think “that Pope as the Antichrist thing” should never have been taken out of the Confession.
19. Saying a blessing before the first round of drinks doesn’t seem strange to you at all.
20. Your favorite Bible is your “Authorized Bahnsen Version.”
21. You’re convinced that everyone in your Presbytery is secretly a 33rd degree Mason.
22. You know that the Apocrypha doesn’t belong in the canon, but you wonder sometimes whether we should add Van Til’s, “The Defense of the Faith.”
23. You pray daily for God to release His judgment on para-church ministries.
24. You think no true evangelism has been done without at least 3 lengthy quotes from the Confession.
25. You can’t figure out why God didn’t take Van Til like He did Enoch.
26. For you, tobacco is its own major food group.
27. You like Sproul Jr. a whole lot better than his father.
28. You think John Gerstner was an Arminian who knows better now.
29. You think the “Concerned Presbyterians” are way too moderate.
30. The only reason you haven’t condemned Covenant Seminary is because you went there and you don’t want to invalidate your entire theological training.
31. You have no idea what personality type you are, which explains why you are a TR.
Behold the hideous heresies in all their unreformed synergistic horrors!! Just a word of caution you have been warned. Our Research Robot Monkeys are always on the look out for all things apostate and heretical including airlines—so listen to our warnings or else be caught in the winds of false doctrines. This has been another PSA from the Online Discernmentalist Mafia. Help us in our Truth War to bring the Pure Doctrines of the Protestant Reformation to the Lutherans as they are all unsaved heretics and apostates. In fact Luther who began the Protestant Reformation wasn’t Protestant at all.
Typical members of the Whore of Babylon (Romish Arminianist Satan-worshipers) trying to defend their unholy, ungodly and unbiblical Hell-a-day from True Bible-Believers:
Now go out and make this Season a non-Pagan Holy Day by spending more of your hard-earned cash on us. We require your tithes in a non-gift-giving way—buy our stuff like our new Rapture kit. Capitalism is how you can truly redeem this satanic Popish-Pagan season from idolatrous blasphemous Romish Arminianist filth for Capitalism is what makes America truly Holy and great as Capitalism is Biblical! And your hard-earned money which you must tithe to us helps keep fine quality Discernmentalist websites like this one up and running.
Anyone who doesn’t believe this is a heretical Semi-Pelagian Godless Reprobated Pagan. We know with Absolute Certainty that world doesn’t mean world but means Elect only which is why the Biblical author of John used the Greek word κόσμος (literal meaning: universe) instead of the Greek word for Elect ἐκλεκτός. Of course to the Truly Saved, this makes Absolutely perfect sense being that we are of the True Regenerated Converts which is why this Hard and Mature Teaching will go over the heads of heretical False Converts.
John MacArthur (P. B. U. H.) is clearly head and shoulders above any of these heretical YRR apostates as John MacArthur (P. B. U. H.) is the only True Living Teacher of God’s Word in history. Never-mind the fact that the bible never mentions tobacco or that the bible never mentions drinking in itself is a sin—(hect even Jesus drank wine)—if our glorious Elder (P. B. U. H.) says these things are a sin then that must be the Absolute Biblical Truth.
I mean how can one use sinful activities to the glory of God—sheer blasphemy—just listen to this hideous description of your typical Young Restless & Reformed type sinner:
“Last Sunday evening, at the Metropolitan Tabernacle, the deservedly popular, unquestionably benevolent, and eminently shrewd Mr. Spurgeon was preaching a sermon on the sinfulness of little sins—a somewhat favourite topic among Nonconformist clergymen, and on which, under the title of ‘The Little Foxes,’ some curious lay-sermons have been written by Mrs. Harriet Beecher-Stowe.
“The gist of Mr. Spurgeon’s discourse was that habitual indulgence in little sins leads to the commission of great ones—a position enforced by one of the most famous English divines in the illustration of the ‘boy who plays with the devil’s rattles.’
“At the close of his useful sermon the minister introduced an American clergyman who, he said, was anxious to address a few words to the congregation. This reverend gentleman ‘improved the opportunity’ by inveighing fiercely against the sin of smoking tobacco, especially in the form of cigars, and told his hearers how he had struggled and fought against the pernicious habit, and how at last, by the blessing and with the assistance of Providence, he had conquered his addiction to the weed.
“Then uprose Mr. Spurgeon and, with quiet humour, remarked that he would not allow the congregation to separate without telling them that he did not consider smoking to be a sin, and that, by the grace of God, he hoped to enjoy a good cigar before going to bed that night.
“Hypercriticism should discern no irreverence in the conclusion of those remarks. We should be thankful for all things; and in observing that he hoped to enjoy a cigar through the Divine grace, he was but echoing the natural piety of Charles Lamb, who asked why we should not say grace before going out for a walk in the fields as well as before and after meat. Dr. Johnson said grace before he began the ‘Rambler’; and if Mr. Spurgeon be a smoker, he only adds another and most excellent name to the long catalogue of distinguished English divines of the Established and the Dissenting Churches who have solaced themselves with that Indian weed.”2
Anyone who dares to offer any sort of critique of any of the 5 points of Dortian Calvinism is a bigot and a lost deluded ignorant individual. Not only that but to offer up any kind of logical and sound Biblical critique of any of the Doctrines of Dort is to go against God and His Grace. Arminian Semi-Pelagians, Romanists, Papists, Barthians, Emergents and any other Anti-Calvinists belong to the Synagogues of Satan and are part of the Whore of Babylon that is out to destroy the Pure Gospel and God’s Absolute Truth. Anti-Calvinism is a poisonous hate-filled cancer spreading like gangrene by Spiritual Terrorists within and outside of the church.
Also anyone who dares to attack any aspect of Calvinism is unReformed, lacks any True understanding of the Bible and slanders the Reformation. This is why Arminian heretics are not only Semi-Pelagians but also closet Mary-Worshipping Papists. Arminianism and Anti-Calvinism are the roads straight back to the Bondage of Rome because Calvinism not Jesus Christ is the Pure Gospel.
Anti-Calvinists are the most ignorant, arrogant, hateful and disgusting people in the world. All Anti-Calvinists should be locked up for their criminal behavior. I thank God and His Absolute Sovereign Wrath that all Anti-Calvinists were predestined to be tortured for all eternity unless they are able to repent—so Anti-Calvinists of the world—REPENT—and remember when we tell you that God hates all of you—we are only speaking the TRUTH in Love.
So there you go Secular Psychology never helped anyone—only devoting all of our energies in devotion to God’s Absolute Sovereign Wrath and commendable hatred towards non-hyper-Calvinists will anyone be saved, cured, healed, etc. While you’re at it please join us in our Absolute Truth War against Secular Medical Science aka Gnosticism. And remember:
Our Research Robot Monkeys have caught Contemporary Christian Music Superstar Carman pridefully boasting of his good works and religious accomplishments to promote himself and his music:
We however never ever use any kind of self-righteous prideful boasting in promoting ourselves and/or our quality Bible-based Discernmentalist products:
