Archive for the ‘Conspiracy-Driven Church’ Category

The Reason for Mass Gun Violence is…

September 7, 2019

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Typical Mass Shooter

…Smoking Pot decrees Doug Wilson: ” Why is no one that interested in how many of these shooters were pot smokers?”

Yeah that’s right rolling a doobie and smoking a joint gives people the urge to go out and commit mass killings of hunger that is. As anyone who can read would know:

Marijuana reaches the same pleasure centers in the brain that are targeted by heroin, cocaine and alcohol.

Depending on the quantity, quality and method of consumption, marijuana can produce a feeling of euphoria — or high — by stimulating brain cells to release the chemical dopamine. When smoked or otherwise inhaled, the feeling of euphoria is almost immediate. When ingested in food, it takes much longer, even hours, for the drug to signal the brain to release the dopamine, according to the National Institutes of Health.

Other changes in mood can occur, with relaxation frequently being reported. Some users experience heightened sensory perception, with colors appearing more vivid and noises being louder. For some, marijuana can cause an altered perception of time and increased appetite, known as the “munchies.”

The impact can vary by person, how often they have used the drug, the strength of the drug and how often it has been since they have gotten high, among other factors.

“In some cases, reported side effects of THC include elation, anxiety, tachycardia, short-term memory recall issues, sedation, relaxation, pain-relief and many more,” said A.J. Fabrizio, a marijuana chemistry expert at Terra Tech Corp, a California agricultural company focused on local farming and medical cannabis.

Other effects, according to the NIH, include:

  • Feelings of panic and fear (paranoia)
  • Hallucinations
  • Trouble concentrating
  • Decreased ability to perform tasks that require coordination
  • Decreased interest in completing tasks

When coming down from the high, users may feel depressed or extremely tired. While marijuana use produces a mellow experience (users are sometimes referred to as “stoners”) for some, it can heighten agitation, anxiety, insomnia and irritability, according to the NIH.

Mrs. Jobson speaks on Mothballs

June 24, 2019

I’m proud of my wife’s article against the feminist assaults we’ve been facing and how to combat them that I wrote for her in keeping with our Clear Teachings on wifely submission—I tried to submit it on her behalf to The Council On Biblical Manhood and womanhood for publication in the latest issue of their magazine on Biblical womanhood but they rejected it and laughed in my face. I suspect it is because they saw her name as the author—I know it can’t be because of the references to mothballs in the article because they agree with Our Brand. For those of you who don’t know the main definition of mothballs as defined in Volume Two of The Discernmentalist Dictionary is:

MOTHBALLs or (Modernism’s Old Theologies of Hate Bringing About Legalism on  Ladies): (noun)- the only known protection against Mothra and feminist attacks on Discernmentalist Truth. Also useful in warding off Bibliophiles.

Anyways here is my lovely wife’s beautiful and well-written article:

0_300x300_Back_Color-WhiteMy Life As An Unfeminist Submissive Mothball Wearing Wife

By Mrs. Brandy Hose Jobson

Contrary to what our annoyed tortured faithful readers may think Mrs. Jobson indeed loves wearing  her mothball necklace. In fact just smelling them have calmed Mrs. Jobson’s (her)  fears of Mothra’s feminist Agenda assaulting our Truth. Mrs. Jobson wishes more women would learn the joy of being submissive and the benefits of wearing mothballs for protection. I (Don Jobson) told her (my wife Mrs. Jobson) that any time she’s tempted to even think the unbiblical thought of women being able to pastor a church—just keep calm by focusing on her mothballs. Now you can see the Clear benefits of our Teachings. I was telling Mrs. Jobson the other day that if “tolerance” is the core value of political correctness then feminism is it’s most cherished cause–and the implications of apostate culture’s cultural devotion to feminism are monstrous. Feminism is not about equal rights for women but about the feminization of the American male.

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My wife’s lovely mothball necklace 4 Protection against Mothra and feminists

It has indeed turned even more monstrous ever since these Mothra attacks started occurring on innocent unsuspecting Southern Baptist churches but thankfully our Brand works like a charm. In fact its extra magical almost like the heretical Mormon cult’s secret undergarments—only ours is Truly Biblical. Sadly though it has yet to be seen as working on gay feminists. This content is for Premium members only. Login or sign up to gain access to over $164440 in Worldview Weekend resources. (Whoops looks like Brannon is charging now for us Discernmentalists to crib from his self-righteous site. How dare he!).

Feminist Mothra dogma decrees that women can never be successful. That shows how out of touch the feminists are. Now Mothra as you may not know was never successful especially since:

Mothra is one of the most powerful psychics in the Toho universe. She has had the ability to use this power benevolently, to communicate with humans, or defensively, to destroy her enemies. As suggested earlier, Mothra is assumed to be divine and draws many parallels to the Phoenix, which makes her one of the more powerful kaiju of the Toho universe. Mothra has become one of Godzilla’s more challenging opponents, having achieved the greatest success rate in battle save Godzilla himself…

Anyways just remember mothballs for your protection against the Mothra feminist hordes. Mrs. Jobson agrees with me because I told her to.

My wife still protected by mothballs from Mothra feminists,

Don Jobson

A New PSA Message from Our Conspiracy-Driven Church!:

May 22, 2019

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FEAR… ANGER… HATRED… AGRESSION… SUFFERING….

Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”—John Howard Yoder

“Together, these elements helped create a society in which many Americans see millions of snares, laid by a menacing group of enemies, all the more alarming for how difficult they are to identify and pin down.

Let’s pause to attempt to define a conspiracy theory. It is a belief that a small group of people are working in secret against the common good, to create harm, to effect some negative change in society, to seize power for themselves, or to hide some deadly or consequential secret. An actual conspiracy is when a small group of people are working in secret against the common good – and anyone who tells you we can always easily distinguish fictitious plots from real ones probably hasn’t read much history.

Conspiracy theories tend to flourish especially at times of rapid social change, when we are re-evaluating ourselves and, perhaps, facing uncomfortable questions in the process. In 1980, the civil liberties lawyer and author Frank Donner wrote that conspiracism reveals a fundamental insecurity about who Americans want to be versus who they are.” (Source)

We Discernmentalists are Conspiracy Theory-addicts—the more unbelievable the conspiracy the better to defend our Truth with. If your church teaches social justice—say George Soros is funding this teaching even-though it is in the Bible and Church History. Social Justice sounds too much like Socialism. If your Preacher preaches that God is love and loves the world—accuse him of preaching Universalist heresy among other heresies. Thankfully we Discernmentalists can find a conspiracy to suit our every need. We love our tin-foil hats and we love to keep them on extra tight.

And remember Conspiracy theories are I. Todyaso backed…Truthslayer and Don Jobson approved

 

New Apostate Airline Found

May 22, 2019

 

Behold the hideous heresies in all their unreformed synergistic horrors!! Just a word of caution you have been warned. Our Research Robot Monkeys are always on the look out for all things apostate and heretical including airlines—so listen to our warnings or else be caught in the winds of false doctrines. This has been another PSA from the Online Discernmentalist Mafia. Help us in our Truth War to bring the Pure Doctrines of the Protestant Reformation to the Lutherans as they are all unsaved heretics and apostates. In fact Luther who began the Protestant Reformation wasn’t Protestant at all.

Excelsior,

The ODMafia crew

SBC under siege by Mothra Priestesses!

May 18, 2019

 

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Actual photo of this assault by Mothra and her Priests/Priestesses!

Not a day goes by when our Truth is not under attack—this time we’re under siege by Mothra. [H/T]: The moth-eaten SBC and the women who did it. “But I am like a moth to Ephraim, and like dry rot to the house of Judah.” (Hosea 5:12).

Oh the unholy horror of this affront on our Truth—I only pray that Mrs.  Jobson doesn’t catch wind of these secret feminist doctrines or she might rebel against my divinely mandated authority again. I’ve forced Mrs. Jobson to wear a necklace made out of mothballs just in case—sure it smells funny but I told her: “listen woman this is for your own good and it helps protect the purity of our Truth.” Anyways here’s how to spot these secret feminist Mothra priestesses:

They are feminists—don’t let them tell you otherwise. Also we hear they’re not too fond of the smell of mothballs but are attracted to altar flowers. (See this link for proof).

This is the new crop of what I called Christian secret feminists- but they aren’t as secret as they were in 2012. They live a feminist life inside of Christianity but call it ministry. They are openly rebelling now.

One woman who has much to answer for about this new role is Beth Moore. She was the one who broke new ground in the Southern Baptist Convention, a most conservative denomination, in how far a woman could go in attaining celebrity status, living for her career and not for her home, and promoting gender role reversals.

She showed us how to be the main and sustained breadwinner of the family. She showed us that she could preach in a church and teach anyone in the world, uncensured. Mrs Moore, while speaking conservative values cloaked in all the right Christianese, has lived a very feminist life. (We suspect this is because of their super secret psychic cloaking powers).

We only know this because of using our Secret Cloaking Reversal Technology or SKIRT—also they are most likely to predict an oncoming Mothra attack as per our findings. We also have reason to suspect these feminist Mothra priestesses of secret Catholic leanings:

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Absolute Proof. We discovered this too while using our Bible-based SKIRT (Secret Cloaking Reversal Technology).

So be warned and beware—thankfully you have lone Discernmentalists in the wilderness like us to warn you of all these threats on our Truth. At this very moment we’re working on Mothra-sized mothballs—to surround our Holy Convention and churches—and prevent these feminist Mothra priestesses unleashing even more Mothra attacks on our churches and Truth.

An Update on an Update: We’re still under attack!!! by gay cartoon rats!!

May 17, 2019

gaheyrats

Extra Freaking Out Discernmentalist News: I would have written this on my original article but I didn’t want Mrs. Jobson to get suspicious again that I had fallen away and was looking up ghey furry porn sites. This is why I had to write a new article to bring you this important update and so that I didn’t have to look at the unholy horror of that sinful pic again. We also needed to test out Dr. I. Todyaso’s Fictional Gay Character Eraser so we are glad that we can use a *censored* photo this time as I was concerned my previous article with the uncensored pic was accidently turning our readers ghey by sight osmosis from all it’s gaydiation rays being emitted.

Anyways this is Update #4 I think: You know our fight in the Truth War against fictional gay cartoon rats is really heating up when Activist Mommy joins in. Quote:

It’s becoming nearly impossible to trust any children’s entertainment these days, with the pervasive themes of gender confusion and alternative sexual lifestyles wherever you look. It’s become vogue to set your show apart with the introduction of a gay character or gay kiss…even on shows for very young children.

This is not the first time the show Arthur has pushed the LGBT agenda.  In 2005, the show aired an episode called, “Postcards from Buster,” in which the titular character visits Vermont to learn about the maple syrup production process.  While he is there, he meets a few children who have lesbian moms. The word “lesbian” is not used in the episode just like the word “gay” is not used in the wedding episode.  There is not any actual explanation in either episode, just extremely suggestive imagery that is impossible to misinterpret.

Flying just low enough under the radar that most parents won’t find it worth standing up against, but evident enough to leave an impression on children.

Make no mistake, this is not an innocent attempt to promote love and acceptance.  This is blatant indoctrination aimed to break down our children’s developing moral foundations.

We as Christians can fight this assault on our children’s minds…

Thankfully you have Important ministries like ours to warn you of the Clear and present dangers of fictional gay characters like cartoon rats that will surely turn kids ghey instead of focusing on real issues like child abuse rampart in our churches. Why if we don’t continue to take a stand against fictional gay cartoon rats—real rats might get ideas and choose to be gay.

Update # 5: Sadly in having to quote from Activist Mommy’s article I accidently caught a glimpse of the Holy horror of the uncensored version of that sinful pic again while Mrs. Jobson was in the room and I’ve been banished to sleep on the couch in my study. (Editors’ Note: We’re horrified that Activist Mommy didn’t have the decency to release a censored version of that unholy pic with all it’s abominable filth like Don’s second article does).

Update # 6: Thankfully Mrs. Jobson agreed to a session of MacArthurite approved Bible-based counseling. Some of our staff are now locking Mrs. Jobson in a dark room and screaming and yelling Bible verses at her until she agrees to resubmit to the Divine Authority of my Male Headship. Thank our Angry Sovereign God it worked and she now knows her place once more!

Obama Is UnChristian: We Have Absolute Proof—

May 15, 2019

Exposed Obama’s Musliman ties—-smocking gun:

Barakobama’s .com

Our Research Robot Monkeys stumbled upon Obama’s personal homepage back in 2010 but our signals got jammed by the CIA. We can only bring you this horror now unfortunately. We think the code hidden in the Musliman language is talking about terrorizing Trump with pizza until he’s too Yuge to fit through the White House gate. The author of this plan shared with Obama was Anonymous. This gives us all the more reason to not question it’s authenticity. Our Research Robot Monkeys are still analyzing the rest of this hideous website.

Facebook Is Still Persecuting Us

May 12, 2019

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After some of our unintelligence reports were accidently leaked—after we posted one of our current enemy’s article that catches them almost practicing Jehovah’s Witnesses’ post-mortem beliefs publically by mistake. We have been harassed by drones that we believe are connected to Bulpit & Pen—after a photo was released exposing the super secret highly classified entrance to one of our Truth Bunkers (thankfully an unoccupied one). Dr. Truthslayer was so ashamed by our enemies’ droning attacks that he personally fears for his life and is currently hiding in one of our re-sanctification chambers trying to get cleansed from the filth of such a blatantly harsh attack on us. Why must our many enemies hate us for sharing the truth of our Good News that God hates them? What did we do to deserve all these attacks?

Update #1- Dr. ITodyaso coaxed Dr. Truthslayer out of our re-sanctification chamber.

Update # 2-We now suspect that the attacks were connected to evil Emergents rather than Bulpit & Pen as their language was too filthy and sounded like censored Driscollian cussing rather than Pure Biblical curses.

STATUS QUO JOE!

May 4, 2019

status quoeb

‘They call him Status Quo Joe…she was his Discernmentalist rose lost in the flow…saying sayonara made him cry…but that’s not what they meant when they said goodbye…’

Eric Barger stars as Status Quo Joe—a down on his luck heresy hunter always ready to defend the Status Quo at all costs. Joe gets called to investigate a church outside of town—running into old troubles a long the way—causing him to discernmentalize by misunderstanding that any new way of doing church leads to Roman Catholic mysticism. After seeing couches and candles—Joe becomes increasingly convinced that this Emerging church has apostatized to contemplative meditation and therefore is no longer Bible-believing. Just when Joe is about to call down the wrath of God upon this church—the ghost of John Knox appears accusing Joe of being guilty by association for reciting Apostolic Creeds and also of being a reprobate (as Joe is an Arminianist Nazarene and Arminianism is the Road Back to Rome). Tearfully Joe bids farewell to the Status Quo for now—at least until his Doctrines are considered Pure once again.

—This film features the song Tokyo Joe based on the film of the same name which ironically this movie is not based on.

 

Sports Illustrated succumbs to Sharia Law

May 1, 2019

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“Discernment is not knowing the difference between right and wrong. It is knowing the difference between right and almost right.”—-Charles Spurgeon

Attention Truth Warriors: Sports Illustrated has fallen. Political correctness has forced Sports Illustrated to come under the control of Sharia Law against our most Biblical and Godly President’s Clear Teachings:

“We have to straighten out our country, we have to make our country great again, and we need energy and enthusiasm,” Trump said during an appearance on “Meet the Press” in August 2015. “And this political correctness is just absolutely killing us as a country. You can’t say anything. Anything you say today, they’ll find a reason why it’s not good.”

We can’t stand for this good Christian American magazine dedicated to sports enthusiasts to remain in the hands of these politically correct invaders polluting our True Judeo-Christian American Values. What’s next? Will our good Christian American magazine dedicated to the study of women and educational interviews also fall under the loony libs political correctness and Islamist terroristic Sharia Law? Sheer heresy. Soon these jihadists will be forcing all our women to wear these travesties everywhere destroying our God-given Freedom in our Constitution. Don’t these loonies know that America is a Christian Nation?

This is more proof that Liberals ruin everything and that a Shadow Government is trying to help them destroy our Christian Nation. Many of our readers think our discernmentalism to be rather alarmist but consider this:

One day, you are in your house when there is a loud and frantic-sounding knock on the front door. You go to the door, open it, and standing there is your clearly upset neighbor shouting, “There’s a fire on the way, heading right for your house.” You push the neighbor aside, go outside, and climb a ladder onto the roof. And sure enough, you see a big fire heading right toward your house. But you think to yourself as you are climbing back down the ladder, “I don’t really like that neighbor, and I definitely don’t like the way he was ranting and raving at me. And he’s always so negative about everything. I just don’t like him at all.” So you go back inside your house, close the door, and continue on with your day.”

This is exactly what is happening with so many Christians today – the authors and editors at the  ODMafia and God’s Only Inerrant Party are trying to warn of the danger and deception that has come into the church and our Country, but we are often brushed off as too negative and being against everything. It doesn’t make any sense to ignore these warnings. In case you doubt my expertise on this subject—I once knew someone who once knew someone who knew someone who kept the dog for someone who visited England where they met someone who read an anonymous Internet comment on some Conservative website that proves Muslims are trying to bring America under control of Sharia Law. This makes me more of an expert on the subject of Islam than anyone else including actual Muslims. Also just like that someone I once knew:

“I myself have been a forty-five year student of the satanically inspired, centuries-old conspiracy to use government, education, and media to destroy every vestige of Christianity within our society and establish a new world order. Having read at least fifty books on the Illuminati, I am convinced that it exists and can be blamed for many of man’s inhumane actions against his fellow man during the past two hundred years.”

Spread the Conspiracy,

Don Jobson