Archive for the ‘colon-blow!’ Category

Glenn Beck And Jim Walllis Team Up Against Brannon Howse

September 1, 2010

Item #2

Glenn Beck and Jim Wallis Are Both Pushing Social Justice and an Earthly Kingdom By Brannon Howse

Am I on the only one that watched Glenn Beck’s 8-28 rally with red flags going up non-stop? The mixture of Glenn’s Mormon theology wrapped in Christian terms, combined with some of the Christian speakers made me very uncomfortable. The patriotic ecumenicalism was very unbiblical. The dominion theology of some Christians, combined with the “Kingdom of God” theology of Mormonism, combined with all faiths uniting and wrapped in the flag reveals that a one-world religion and a one-world leader will be easily accepted even by people calling themselves Christians.

——————————————————————————————-

We are absolutely stunned by those who would dare attack Brannon Howse and his Absolute Truth. Note our fearless Führer has said of the recent Beck rally:

I believe the 8-27 and 8-28 rallies have greatly furthered the acceptance of ecumenicalism by even those who call themselves evangelicals. The pastors and Christian leaders (including women pastors) standing behind Glenn Beck at the end of the rally with their arms locked together looked silly and not at all like Christian statesmen. I truly believe they sold out. I do not think even one of them realizes how they compromised the true Gospel of Jesus Christ and have damaged their testimony and added massively to the acceptance of pluralism and ecumenicalism. 

Whether they know it or not; those Christians that took part in these two rallies have endorsed an overwhelmingly humanistic message that was wrapped in patriotic and Christians terms. While a few speakers tried to give a true Biblical message; I believe it was so diluted in a soup of unbiblical messages that their presence only gave credibility in the minds of non-believers and non-discerning Christians that the “God talk” was all good.

We Know that our fearless Führer Brannon doesn’t “endorse an overwhelmingly humanistic message that is wrapped in patriotic and Christians terms”—just take his Worldview Test you ignorant reprobates and you’ll see, you all will see. We also Know that Brannon doesn’t “accept pluralism and ecumenicalism.” Why just look at the wide and diverse range of contributors to his site—all united in the common cause of spreading a Right Wing Theocratic agenda. We agree with Brannon that we must all Take A Stand against Jim Wallis and Glenn Beck like our Mighty Führer Brannon himself and the Mighty Truth Warrior Ken Silva are doing—so remember praise to America, Capitalist Materialism, Right Wing Theocracy and to heil our Führer.

Beat Your Kids For Jesus!

July 5, 2010

Brannon Howse and New World Order Weekend along with one of our faithful Research Robot Monkeys bring you a matter of upmost importance: 

We must not stand for the UN trying to take away our Divine right to beat and abuse our children as punishment. Remember these Pure Thoughts and Pure Doctrines from our Gospels: Child Abuse and torture are Biblical!

“Calvinism Unnatural”: Gay Christians Say

July 3, 2010

Fellow Discernmentalists…Beware… We are Under Attack again. The Gay Christian League of Anti-Christs for the Destruction of Biblical Morality have issued this controversial statement:

We have to continue to witness against the evil of Calvinism and pray that the Lord will open the blind eyes of those deceived by this unnatural behavior. We’re not remotely concerned about being politically correct about this issue. We know that Calvinists have chosen to continue believing in their fatalistic and self-destructive philosophy. We only pray that God will deliver them and change them to accepting their God-ordained Freedom in Christ. Yes Calvinism is unnatural…for who in their right mind would willing comply with subjecting themselves to being a mere automaton slave of the unpredictable whims of a fickle God of Wrath? No we are not robot zombie puppets…after all for Freedom’s sake Christ came to set us Free.   

Oh the horror of such rank heresy and bigoted terms! How dare anyone attack our Pure Biblical Truth Gospel like that. How dare anyone suggest that such a thing as Libertarian Free Will exists…why that goes against every moral fiber of our sound Biblical eisegesis exegesis. How can grace be grace if it is a free gift that just anyone can freely choose to accept and how can grace be a free gift if it wasn’t freely given to those whom God fatalistically pre-chose to give it to? We are appalled that anyone would dare think  differently than us. I mean it’s not like those stone dead in their sins can hear God’s voice anyway. No that would be too synergistic and we know that God never ever cooperates with man in anything. Remember these tried and true Pure words from our Gospels:  “Jacob I loved, but Esau I hated”—which we know has everything to do with salvation in Christ.

Getting back to The Gay Christian League of Anti-Christs for the Destruction of Biblical Morality, their attacks have even taken a far sinister turn when they suggested that John Calvin was actually a queerosexual. We can’t stand for this bigoted libel and slander of  ‘a great and holy man of God so greatly used by our Absolutely Sovereign Lord of Vengeful Jealous Wrath without whom we would all still be struggling in the dark ignorance of Roman Arminianism that man-exalting heresy.’ Some members of  The Gay Christian League of Anti-Christs for the Destruction of Biblical Morality have stated that Calvinists were born the way they are and choose to remain Calvinist and glorify their mentally unbalanced disease:

However the large majority of  The Gay Christian League of Anti-Christs for the Destruction of Biblical Morality believe that Calvinism is a choice and that Calvinists should repent of their abnormal, unnatural and unbiblical behavior.  The Gay Christian League of Anti-Christs for the Destruction of Biblical Morality have even set up centers for deprogramming Calvinists.  We have reason to suspect that the leaders who caused all these recent attacks are none other than Greg McCaw a self-avowed gay queer fag Emergent Christian (an oxymoron if there ever was one)—in conjunction with a heretic named Tom and another fag named Alvin McEwen. Fellow Discernmentalists we must not stand for these bigoted lies against our Pure Biblical Gospel Truth Doctrines—the Once For All Biblically Correct Pure Gospel Truth Doctrines delivered to the Saints like John Owen and Augustus Toplady lest the Church fall into the hands of the Emerging Homosexualist agenda of Emergent apostates.

P. S. We are not bigots for taking a stand against all you Arminian, Emergent and queer reprobates…we are just speaking the Truth in love and grace of course!

Fear AND Self-LOATHING on the INTERNET…

June 10, 2010

       

Our hero Ken Silva reprises his role in this sequel to the classic Fear And Loathing On The Internet. In this new film fresh off the conveyor belts of the GOIP DVD production lines—Ken begins lamenting the fact that there is  “a growing influence of Contemplative Spirituality/Mysticism (CSM) that has crept right into the timid heart of the squishy evanjellyfish church organism pretending to be a True Protestant community.”

Soon this lamenting turns into self-loathing followed by fear and then finally fear and self-loathing combined of which the title (Fear And Self-Loathing On The Internet) of the film is derived. Shortly in the film—in the midst of protesting against “the growing influence of Contemplative Spirituality/Mysticism (CSM)” in the church today— Ken experiences a computer crash but manages to send out this message through Discernmentalist Osmosis which is in the DNA of all True Discernmentalists:

Just a short note asking for prayer, particularly if you’ve been blessed by this online apologetics and discernment work, and making you aware that the hard drive in the main computer at here at Apprising Ministries has crashed. Fortunately back problems had forced me to do much of my work from a laptop so the loss of materials/information was lessened. Since our email program went through that now defunct main computer we no longer have access to it so we’ve begun a new email account: apprisingministries@gmail.com. We remain thankful you have been standing with Apprising Ministries through these 5+ years, and thank you for your prayer, as well as financial support as well. O, and the blessing; well, we’re still waiting to see what the Lord has in store through this little bit of a test as we try and rebuild our database.

Fearing for the worse Ken soon discovers that the evil Frank Viola and equally evil Leonard Sweet caused his hard drive to crash through their spiritually corrupt practice of Contemplative/Centering Prayer. Our film ends with Ken pledging to put his fear and self-loathing to good use as he vows to take revenge against Contemplative/Centering Prayer and the “sinfully-ecumenical” Purpose-Driven and Contemplative-driven Emerging/Emergent Church and “po-mo Christian” sinners in general by using big TRUTH WARRIOR words such as “gutless crybaby,” “spineless” and “sissified jellyfish” even more than he did in the first film or does now.

On a happier note Ken also reinstated his offer to make good on his vow to donate a “spine” and “Backbone”  to any apostate heretic that would repent and believe upon the Pure and True Gospel of John MacArthur’s Truth Wars™ and Biblical American values such as capitalism and war so that this film could have a happier ending than the first one.

New Bible-Based Laxative

April 19, 2010

Finally a colon cleanser fit to relieve the bowels of God’s Holy Predestined Elect introducing PoopraCrapsarian Laxatives. Every PoopraCrapsarian tablet is made by the most natural and Biblical of ingredients based on the Levetical Dietary Laws of keeping Kosher.  All PoopraCrapsarian tablets contain the Absolute Decrees of God so remember PoopraCrapsarian Laxatives for all your colon cleansing needs—good only for the fatallistically predetermined voiding of bowels.

Warning PoopraCrapsarian Laxatives are only good enough for the Truly Predestined Elect of God—the True Converts. Side effects may include but are not limited to: bloating, upset stomach, diaherrea, arrogance, extreme Capitalism, anti-Catholic bigotry, a feeling of religious supremacy over those who disagree with you, elitism, aversion to religious objects, the need to burn heretics at the stake, love of war and torture, condescension and other  side effects. False Converts, unregenerate reprobates and heathens need not apply as they have already been  fatallistically predetermined by God to suffer the wrath of eternal bowel discomfort from the foundation of the world.

Worldly Cheese Found

April 3, 2010

Our Research Robot Monkeys are always combing the web and the globe for all things worldly and apostate as they are able to find the devil in anything and everything. Recently a worldly and demon possessed cheese has been brought to their attention:

What makes this cheese so evil and reprobate? Just listen to the name Babybel which sounds too much like Babel which was in Babylon. Oh the rank apostasy—not only that we  believe Babybel cheese is truly Satanic for when our Research Robot Monkeys parsed the letters out  of  Babybel, they discovered it was a secret codeword for Baby Bel. Bel as in BelBa’al or Belial which of course are other names for the devil.

We concur as here are some of the worldly promises which Babybel offers:

  • they suit alternative vegetarian dietary needs (this is nothing  but liberalism).
  • they make Goat cheese (Goats  are symbolic of Satan and the unsaved non-Elect unregenerate reprobates).
  • they promise laughter (Discernmentalists don’t believe in laughter as laughter is too fun and fun leads to rebellion and rebellion is of the devil. We do believe in laughing at the non-Elect however and rejoice in their predestined damnation which brings gory glory to God).
  • it’s feminist (their commercial says that the cheese is “for the laughing girl”).
  • We Know that Emergents probably like it and if it was used in their churches it would cause women to disobey I Corinthians 14:33-35: “33For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace, as in all churches of the saints. 34Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience as also saith the law. 35And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church.” (KJV).

Finally A True Bible-Believing God-honoring Email Domain Address That God Is Proud Of

March 31, 2010

                 

A thank you from New World Order Weekend

What can a @Reagan.com Email address do for you? you may ask:

Why Your email address with Reagan.com will send a clear message to the recipient: You are a True Bible-Believing, God-honoring,  Regenerated Elect, Frozen And Chozen Reagan Conservative and Fundamentalist Christian, period.

Each @Reagan.com address is built on the ideal that each person should pay for and leave God to control his or her hate speech communications via the latest Holy Spirit chip technology built by GOIP Labs and featured in the new iTruth made  by the the ODMafia Research and Discernmentalist Labs for truth warriors by truth warriors.  At the same time it should allow you the freedom through American Gospel and Bible-based techniques to check your email and calendar at anytime and from any place in the world under American sovereign imperial control where there is an internet connection using a computer or your smart phone. Your @Reagan.com address will even work in all 52 states of America including the newly annexed States of RonaldReaganistan and Rumsfeld’s Democratic American Republican State of Bushraqistan also your @Reagan.com address will work in America’s future Provinces including Illegal Immigrant Cheap Labor And Tacos’ Land Of Profitable Beach Resorts For Rich White American Tourists, Canuckistan: Northern Province Of Eh!, Urup: Our Ancestors’ Land aka The Old Country and the  separate Territories of We Kicked Ur Butt Twice Island, Whiny White-Flagged Pushovers: Land Of Easy-Surrenders and United Popeland

Our Holy Spirit chip techonology features a State of the art email and calendar system for true conservatives and those who are Truly Elected to Salvation @reagan.com. What are some of the other features of the @Reagan.com Email address—why it is:

Simple
And by simple we mean complex. Plus you Only get what  we think you need when we think you need it.

Efficient
Advanced synchronization for:  Blackberry, iPhone, iTruth, and many other GOIP Windows Mobile devices. Advanced Outlook synchronization and collaboration.

Secured
Check your email over an encrypted connection. We have built in tracking technology as well.

Offers Less Spam
Our advanced spam filter delivers comprehensive protection from spam and phishing messages. We are also able to censor 10% more Emergent, Liberal and anti-Calvinist Arminian messages than other email providers.

Conservative
Yes “not free”…because free stuff equals Marxism, Communism and Socialism.

—————————————————————————————-

Plus as a free bonus gift to you we offer you free
Weekly updates from Michael Reagan and other Reagan Conservatives if God specially chooses you to be worthy enough to receive them.

Own your @Reagan.com Email address for the easy payment of Only $34.95/yr plus other funds we decide to steal from the poor. An @Reagan.com Email address is  the righteous and Godly way to spend your money. Don’t waste your hard earned money on unregenerate non-Elect reprobated poor lazy bums and slobs like those Red-Letter Christians do as the poor were created to be poor and destroyed from the foundation of the world. Create your personal @Reagan.com email today using the form that we will provide you with in order to make sure of your Secured Elected Salvation and that you are Truly of the Inerrant Right who are always right.

Roger Williams Attacks Discernmentalists From The Grave

March 14, 2010

 

Our Research Robot Monkeys have been reading Deformed Reader lately—which led them to come up with the conclusion that  Roger Williams was an apostate. Deformed Reader states of Williams’ Anti-Discernmentalist character

The arrival and expansion of (Ana)Baptists in North America

The famous American-Swiss church historian Rev. Prof. Dr. Philip Schaff has informed us427 that “in America the Baptists trace their origin chiefly…to Roger Williams…. He was charged with advocating certain opinions supposed to be dangerous.”

These included the viewpoints: “that the magistrate ought not to punish offences against the First Table [of God’s Law]; that an oath ought not to be tendered to an unregenerate man; [and] that a regenerate man ought not to pray with the unregenerate, though it be his wife or child….

“He [Roger Williams] was immersed by Ezekiel Hollyman [during 1639] — and, in turn, immersed Hollyman and ten others. This was the first Baptist church on the American Continent. But a few months afterwards, he renounced his rebaptism — on the ground that Hollyman was unbaptized [meaning unsubmersed], and therefore unauthorized to administer the rite to him.”

Clearly, it never dawned on Roger Williams that nobody had baptized John the baptizer. Yet it was John (and apparently by pouring or sprinkling) who baptized Jesus Christ. And it is the Latter’s baptism alone which gives validity to all Christian baptisms.

Incredibly, the apostate Roger Williams pleaded428 even for the complete toleration of Islam, Judaism and Paganism. He read Dutch well; knew of the political concepts of the Dutch Anabaptists; and accordingly rejected the British and American Puritans and their Christonomic Theocracy.429 Unfortunately, the Dutch (Ana)Baptistic heresies of Roger Williams have now massively corrupted especially the United States.

Dr. Arthur McJohn and I want you to know just how hideously apostate Roger Williams was—just listen to these Anti-Discernmentalist quotes:

It is the will and command of God that…a permission of the most Paganish, Jewish, Turkish or anti-christian consciences and worships be granted to all men in all nations and countries.”

Enforced uniformity confounds civil and religious liberty and denies the principles of Christianity and civility. No man shall be required to worship or maintain a worship against his will.”

That cannot be a true religion which needs carnal weapons to uphold it.”God requireth not a uniformity of religion.”

God requireth not a uniformity of religion to be enacted in any civil state; which enforced uniformity (sooner or later) is the greatest occasion of civil war, ravishing of conscience, persecution of Christ Jesus in his servants, and of the hypocrisy and destruction of millions of souls.”

How dare he speak of Religious Liberty for anyone but those who bow down to our Pure Doctrines! Clearly Roger Williams is attacking us from the grave as his ideas are attacking our vision for a Theocratic AmericaClearly “liberty of conscience” and “tolerance” are liberal code words for “get along and love one another.”  Our Final Prophet teaches this fact that only we Discernmentalists  deserve True Religious Liberty:

“A new heresy has been discovered,” he said. “We must stamp out this burst of hell-fire before it spreads over the surface of the earth…. Freedom of conscience is a doctrine of the devil…. Better to have a tyrant, however cruel, than permit everyone to do what he pleases.”

If that alone isn’t evidence enough that Roger Williams was clearly a heretical apostate then consider this: an apple tree root in the shape of  a Serpent ate his corpse. Coincidence—we think not!

  

Capitalism Could’ve Saved Haiti

February 27, 2010

We Know  that Capitalism could’ve saved Haiti from God-ordained destruction as Capitalism is BiblicalJoel McDurmon writes:

Socialism and the corruption that attends welfare-Statism in Haiti have consistently rejected free markets and the prosperity that come with them for decades. Walter Williams documents Haiti’s combination of 1) lack of economic freedom, 2) rampant corruption, 3) catastrophic crime, and 4) denigration of private property rights. He notes, “Haitian President Rene Preval is not enthusiastic about free markets; his heroes are none other than the hemisphere’s two brutal communist tyrants: Venezuela’s Hugo Chavez and Cuba’s Fidel Castro.”

 

//

Chavez and Castro? Perhaps Pat Robertson was not so far off. Haiti has indeed made a pact with the devil—incarnate in the political style of Chavez and Castro.

Clearly this is why Haiti had to be destroyed by God’s Wrath. We Know so.

Todd Friel’s Secret Prosperity Agenda

February 23, 2010

As we all know Todd Friel (Wretched)’s phone number for his show is 1-800-LAW-GRACE—clearly he isn’t original as the  Litigation Funding for Potential Plaintiffs, Plaintiffs, and Attorneys’ phone number is 1-800-LAW-CASH. This may not look too concerning at first but upon further discernmentalization we have come to the conclusion by our perfect osmosis that Todd is secretly supporting the Prosperity Gospel. Clearly his slippery-slope of using the same  phone number as worldly and legal cash-fiends, ambulance chasing sharks and money sniffing bloodhounds is a secret code for his support of Prosperity teaching. This must have something to do with it as our Research Robot Monkeys have cracked the code. We Know! We have Absolute Proof—just look at what he’s hawking on his site:

Only a true Prosperity teacher would try to sell you something to make money off of the Gospel or endorse products for the Gospel like those Emergents do. We Know because we see all with our Bible-Based omniscience and osmosis.

P. S. Remember to give Todd Friel a call but before you do buy at least ten of his products to support him and his ministry of dividing the church and bless him financially in his Truth War ways.