Archive for the ‘Christian Research Network’ Category

Ken Silva Quote Of The Day

September 14, 2011

Your daily dose of Ken Silva:

“I’d rather lack a brain than be like those sissified Evanjellyfish Emergynts and lack a backbone.” —Ken Silva on whether or not simple mental capabilities, higher critical thinking, logical skills and reasoning have anything to do with following Jesus and the spiritual life of a Christian.

MacArthurites Accuse Jesus Of Sinning

August 18, 2011

After John MacArthur (P. B. U. H.) accuses ‘the so-called “young, restless, and Reformed” (YRR) crowd‘ of sinning by drinking alcohol—several MacArthurites cast stones at Jesus for drinking wine. Using John MacArthur (P. B. U. H.)’s Discernmentalist illogic MacArthur’s most ardent and most stringent supporters aka the MacArthurites accentuate that anyone who drinks one sip of alcohol is a drunkard—be it beer, hard liquor, wine or even mouthwash. With one accusatory jolt one MacArthurite exclaims: “…it only takes one sip of your legal wine to become a drunk, addicted to the stuff.” The same said MacArthurite in the same comment compares anyone who dares to imbibe alcohol with child abusers. Therefore MacArthurites believe that Jesus was/is a sinner.

New Quick And Painless Way

June 27, 2011

To Remove Jesus From Your Heart:

Have you ever asked Jesus into your heart? What about accepting Jesus as the Lord and Savior of your life? Or receiving Jesus to fill your God-shaped hole? Is Jesus more important to you than any other religious leader? If you answered yes to any of the following—congratulations you’re not even a Real and True Christian and most likely worship Satan, the Pope or Mary as your dark lord and master a False Convert.

If you have found that you were rated a False Convert—never fear Todd Friel with Brannon Howse’s help have introduced a new quick and pain-free way to reverse your status and make sure that you become a True Convert this time around. Introducing the new surgical procedure to surgically remove Jesus from False Converts’ hearts: Operation JesuScopic Surgery! Why let Jesus fool around in your heart when you can have your heart filled with the Puritan Hard Drive (PHD)—now with twice the amount of John Owen’s fatalistic arrogance!

John MacArthur (P. B. U. H.) Will Get You Rapture Ready For Saturday!

May 19, 2011

John MacArthur (P. B. U. H.) unlike Brian McLaren and his Emerging Babylonian hordes never falls prey to the winds of ear-tickling doctrines. This is because Saint John MacArthur (P. B. U. H.) keeps his doctrines so Purer than anyone else’s that he can never fail at being the True Truth Warrior of Absolute Biblical Truth that he Truly is. Take the Pure Biblical Doctrine of the Rapture for instance—John MacArthur (P. B. U. H.) has said: “It’s become kind of popular today, in the last two or three years, to believe in the rapture occurring at the end of the tribulation. There has been three positions, historically, “pre-trib,” “mid-trib,” and “post-trib.” What that means is the rapture occurs at the end of the tribulation: “post-tribulation;” the middle of the tribulation: “mid-tribulation;” the beginning of the tribulation: “pre-tribulation.” Now if you wanted to catalog me I would have to claim to be a “pre-tribulationist.” I believe the Church will be taken out before the tribulation.

Of course because Truth Matters, we all know that the Rapture is Pure Biblical Teaching and not a man-made invention by a deluded Scottish teenager unlike Brian McLaren’s heretical notion that the Kingdom of God is present in the world and within us. Phil Johnson and the Pyromaniacs agree as John MacArthur (P. B. U. H.) has also said after being questioned about his Premillenial Dispensationalist Rapture beliefs:

Questioner: I am concern about Dispensationalism, I have been listening to Charles Swindoll, yourself and Dave Hawking, I really enjoy their ministry. And they all preach the pre-tribulation rapture, and I can buy that. I think it’s great. And then I hear some other respected men in the Lord say, “Well that is a dispensational point of view,” and they imply that that is something that has taken place within the last hundred years or so within the church. I just like to hear a little from you.

John MacArthur’s Answer: You see, that is just a label that they throw. What do you mean a dispensational point of view? The word dispensation is a NT word, Paul said “It was committed unto him the dispensation of the grace of God, dispensation of the mysteries.” It simply means a stewardship, it’s simply a term, that’s all. This is the accusation over and over again that Dispensationalism popped up with J. N. Darby, and C. I. Scofield, and all of that? But we are not working our way through a system, but rather attempting to interpret scripture on its own merit.

Ok, you have some basic things to deal with. Dispensationalism, by the way, is simply a title for theology that recognizes a literal nation Israel to be restored in the future. And recognizes a literal kingdom, and a literal tribulation, and a literal return, and a literal rapture, and that is dispensational. The other perspective is what’s called non-dispensational or covenant theology, which has no place for Israel, no kingdom in the future, and spiritualizes everything rather than making it literal.

Now, what you have to do is to go back to some very basic things. Dispensation simply means that God manages things in a certain way at a certain time. Everybody is a dispensationalist, everybody. I don’t care who they are in theology, they’re dispensational.

Elsewhere John MacArthur (P. B. U. H.) has defined Every Self-Respecting Calvinist as a Premillennial Dispensationalist—in other words all True Christians are Premillenial Dispensationalist Rapture believers like John MacArthur (P. B. U. H.) and Harold Camping. We hope this helps get you Rapture Ready for the Rapture and Judgement Day this Saturday—oh and don’t forget to buy one of our handy dandy RaptureHatches to be prepared… so  don’t get Left Behind with the unregenerate non-Elect heathens… be Rapture Ready with our Final Prophet John MacArthur (P. B. U. H.).

Rick Warren and Islamists’ Secret Death Star Plans Exposed

May 18, 2011

“We are currently prototyping and testing our global P.E.A.C.E. plan.”—Rick Warren, USA Today

Rick Warren seen secretly plotting with Islamists to inact the terror of his New Age Purpose-Driven Global Peace Plan across the universe. Part of Rick Warren’s plan is to build a fully operational Death Star with the aid of Islamists.  Warren expects the Death Star to be fully operational by 2013—Warren’s Death Star will force Christians to support his New Age Purpose-Driven Global Peace Plan or so Discernmentalist Researchmentalist experts say. “Rick Warren Hits Home Run with Announcement of Global Peace Plan to Battle the Giants of Our World.” —Assist News Agency

Warren’s Death Star, which is believed to have the capacity to neutralize the minds of an entire planet, was adopted from designs stolen from George Lucas’ studios and used by Vladimir Putin in his successful takeover of Russia in the late 1900s. It was re-stolen by Rick Warren and in the works using the gargantuan profits made by both Halliburton and Islamists in the Iraq War, now referred to as ‘Liberating Iraq’s Oil.’

Brannon Howse says of Rick Warren’s Global Peace Plan:

Certainly the world is all about solving its problems without the God of the Bible. Yet many professing Christians are rushing to remedy the world’s troubles in ways that are without the support of Scripture, some even in contradiction to what the Scriptures teach. Rick Warren’s global P.E.A.C.E. plan is one of many programs and teachings that, for the most part, cannot be reconciled with God’s prophetic Word. It is Warren’s “50-year plan” to cure global issues such as “pandemic diseases, extreme poverty, illiteracy, corruption, global warming, [and] spiritual emptiness” (see http://www.thebereancall.org). He claims that his social-works agenda developed from his reading of the Gospels–that Jesus gave him the model that was the antidote to the five biggest problems on the planet (see http://www.thebereancall.org). Warren subsequently expanded that model from an exclusive endeavor of Christianity to one requiring the support of all religions.

Rick Warren’s “ill-curing” ecumenical agenda is illogical as well as unbiblical. How can his game plan for remedying “spiritual emptiness” work with those who promote a false spirituality?   We agree which is why there are a number of pastors, ministries and authors throughout the world who are opposing Rick Warren, including Dr. John MacArthur, who exposed Warren in a chapter in his book called Fool’s Gold by Dr. John McArthur. We all must take a stand against Rick Warren‘s secret New Age Purpose-Driven Global Peace Death Star Plans.

Discernmentalists Declare: “Rob Bell Worse Than Bin Laden!”

May 3, 2011

(Newsweek)- Pastorboy aka (Name Withheld by Request) in a Press Conference today stated unequivocally and without reservation nor hesitation that he believes that the Truth War against Spiritual Terrorism has yet to be completed as long as Rob Bell is still alive–for he truly believes Rob Bell is worse than Bin Laden. Pastorboy aka (Name Withheld by Request) proves his case by quoting directly from the sinister and vile arch-heretic Rob Bell himself: “Rob Bell: Osama Bin Laden is in hell? Really? And you feel compelled to tell people this? I have to say that love wins, and this story is so much larger. Remember, Jesus painted blood on the doorposts of the universe and has reconciled ALL things to himself. Imagine the hell he has already experienced living in that one million dollar bunker on the border of Pakistan. Now that he is dead, he will be sure to choose Jesus. I am sure I will see him in the new creation someday.”

How dare anyone believe any one of America’s enemies make it to heaven! After-all, America’s enemies are God’s enemies and God’s enemies are all of America’s enemies. Todd Friel quoting from our Final Prophet John MacArthur (P. B. U. H.) has noted similar reservations–noting that we should rejoice in the destruction of America’s enemies with a commendable hatred and praise God that America’s enemies will roast in hell and thank our Sovereign God of Wrath for sparing American warlords the same fate by granting them get out of hell free cards.

Pastorboy aka (Name Withheld by Request) would agree and so do we–finally we offer you a stern word of loving wrath from our Final Prophet John MacArthur (P. B. U. H.): “Scripture presents a terrifyingly clear case for a literal hell. It’s a place where God punishes unbelievers for all eternity. Contrary to what some so-called evangelicals are teaching, hell is not a state of mind or a hard life on this earth. Your state of mind can change; your circumstances can improve. Hell never changes, never improves. Hell is not chastisement; it’s everlasting, insufferable punishment at the hands of an angry God.” This is why Rob Bell is worse than Bin Laden for even Bin Laden believed in a literal and “real place” called hell–praise our loving God of Sovereign Wrath to His Glory!

Rick Warren Plans to Take Over Christianity in America

April 20, 2011

Several members of Saddleback Church voted recently for Rick Warren to take over Christianity in America—utilizing  Eric Barger’s Bible-Based Satellite System our Research Robot Monkeys found this quote from a Saddleback member: “I voted for Rick Warren because I was told that he had been chosen (by God) to oversee Christianity in America. Much of the Emergent Church adhere to his doctrines. Benny Hinn, Joel Osteen, C. Peter Wagner, Joyce Meyer, as well as Todd Bentley and the others (whose theology I follow) are all a part of the Emergent Church.”  (I read this quote on the Internet so of course it must be True!)

When our Research Robot Monkeys tried to press this member further on this issue—they got no answer. We’re not surprised for as Pat Robertson has said: “[Rick Warren] has his own Purpose-Driven agenda. I think he’ll stick to it.” Robertson went on to state of Warren’s Purpose-Driven Global Peace Plan: “‘Purpose Driven’ ‘Positive Christianity’ coupled with ‘Dominionism’ will align itself with a totalitarian state against Islam and then against bible believing Christians and Messianics! It will be a tool in the hand of Edom to persecute and drive the remnant of the 10 lost tribes to the Hills during World War 3.  This sort of ‘Purpose Driven’ Positive Christianity dominates the Protestant Church in the United States and Australia and elsewhere. It can be summed up as me, me, me. Jesus died for me. It’s all about me. There is no crucifixion with Christ, it is just self-focussed. That is why there are so many self-help books for Christians today each with so many steps to victory. But are they really Christian?

We’ve also read elsewhere that Rick Warren plans to rebuild the Tower of Babel—if it is on the Internet it must be True!

Jimmy Swaggart has also joined us in our Truth War against Rick Warren and Emergents… why just the other day he and his wife were on tv lumping Rick Warren, David Jeremiah, Bill Hybels, Eugene Peterson & Leonard Sweet together as “New Agers.” Join us also in our Truth War or Else! Oh and also read our very own Will Farel XV’s excellent article on: “Is Rick Warren the Antichrist?

Jerks For Jesus (Our Valued Patrons) Judgmentalize Japan

March 16, 2011

 

Did Japan deserve the tsunami, specifically, and the painful afterplay?  No way, no how.  Japan deserves far worse.  Japan is a pagan, idolatrous, perverted nation full of pagan, idolatrous, perverted people.  Perverted, pagan idolatry is sin, and sin must be punished.  God will not be patient with sin and sinners forever.  Comparably-minor judgments like these are mere foreshadowings and tastes of the judgment to come.  I believe that the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor was a sin as well, in and of itself, and as such deserves punishment and judgment.  Even if the attack were justified, it is impossible to argue that it was carried out with 100% pure motives and in 100% pure ways. —Rhoblogy

We are so proud of our faithful student Rhoblogy—why he is almost the judgmentalist that we are and we are twice the judgementalists than Ken Silva yet not quite the judgmentalists that Sharin’ Whiplash is. Rhoblogy is so astute in his judgmentalism that he sets standards that would even confound our great and affectionate Uncle the great and all-powerful Pastor-Teacher to the Internet congregation of the True Remnant himself.

We agree with Rhoblogy for as Todd Friel’s pal has said echoing John MacArthur’s Pure Truth War Doctrines©®™:

A simple reading of the Bible shows how God uses natural disasters to further his purposes. Earthquakes, floods, famine, locusts, etc. they’re all there, but man hates it. Rather than humbly acknowledging that God’s ways are not our ways, man rails against and accuses God. The last thing they will do is cry out for his mercy in Jesus Christ.

We also like Rhoblogy are no friends of sinners or the Japanese for as Al Mohler says: “God hates sin/sinners, and will punish both individual sinners and nations.”—therefore we also hate sickos, perverts, reprobate nations, sinners and people in general unless they are just like us or believe exactly like us in the same way that we do (except on rare occaisions when we must discernmentalize ourselves and other Discernmentalists).

Flaming Calvinists?

January 9, 2011

So I had some of our Research Robot Monkeys do some researchmentalism on a supposedly Christian Forum for a  new Discernmentalist article against the many heresies of the Emergent Church when they came across a character who had the title of “Flaming Calvinist:”

Notice there are many errors here concerning this arunma fellow:

  1. How can there be any “flaming Calvinists” that is a contradiction of terms. One can’t be simultaneously saved and a homosexual at the same time—Brian McLaren and the Emergent Church teaches that it’s ok to be gay and that gay Christians are saved. The Bible however is Absolutely Clear that all homosexuality (sodomy) is an unbiblical abomination and an unforgivable sin as clearly taught by Jesus and the Apostles in the Bible. To paraphrase my colleague Dr. I. Todyaso: One thing we do not need is Gay Calvinists out there perverting the Doctrines of Grace. How dare this so called character suggest he can be gay and a Bible-Believing Calvinist at the same time that’s about as oxymoronic as saying one is a Christian and an  Arminian at the same time! (Just ask Sharon about that!) The next thing you know Calvinists will be ordaining homosexuals….blasphemy!
  2. The only flaming that Bible-Believing Christians need is to roast heretics alive over a stake whether it be in reality or cyber-reality as John Knox’s clear teachings teach us
  3. How can anyone hold to the Biblical Doctrines of Grace and yet pledge allegiance to the Democratic Party? The two are antithetical as Democrats are anti-Christian. One can never vote Democrat as a True Bible-Believing Calvinist as Democrats reject the Bible and accept:  welfare queens,  Islamofascism, atheism, homosexuality, abortion and the rest of the sins that we take a stand against.

Contrary To Popular Opinion…

July 24, 2010

…The Amish And Not Radical Muslims Were Responsible For The 9-11 World Trade Center Terrorist Attacks.

We have Absolute Proof:

Returning back to a previous comment made by one of our Research Robot Monkeys:  

“Calvinists in  the time of the Reformation considered the Anabaptists to be more dangerous and threatening to the Reformation and to true Biblical Christianity than Romanism.”

We agree—oh how evil those Anabaptists were—I mean how dare they not participate in such Christ-Centered and God-exalting activities such as burning people alive at the stake, drowning people, locking people in their church buildings and setting it and them aflame, torturing random people, etc. Now that’s what I call “true Biblical Christianity”—I mean it’s not like the Roman Catholic Church ever did any of that stuff. Oh no they were never as Godly as our Saints. Besides remember these Pure Words from our Truth War Epistles: “Whoever shall now contend that it is unjust to put heretics and blasphemers to death will knowingly and willingly incur their very guilt.”

Just listen to some of the horrible and man-exalting beliefs of the Anabaptists—Balthasar Hubmaier, Concerning Heretics and Those Who Burn Them:

You see there the Anabaptists attacked our Pure Bible-Based Gospel Doctrines that is why they were and still are so vicious and sinister. Clearly the Anabaptists were such monstrous and Godless heathens as:

“These miserable fanatics have no other goal than to put everything into disorder.. They reveal themselves to be the enemies of God and of the human race…” 

In fact because “Calvinists in  the time of the Reformation considered the Anabaptists to be more dangerous and threatening to the Reformation and to true Biblical Christianity than Romanism”—we believe that the Amish and other Anabaptist sects of today are more dangerous and threatening to true Biblical Christianity than Radical Muslims. In fact, We Know that the Amish are truly Spiritual Terrorists since the Amish are pacifists, and we know all pacifists are Amerika-haters/pinko-commies/muslim/atheist/cheese-eaters/junk-heads, so of course they would be responsible for the 9-11 terrorist attacks, the Great Depression, Pearl Harbor and all the other attacks on us, our Pure Doctrines and our Godly Way of Life.