Archive for the ‘Chris Pajak’ Category

Terrorist Beard Alert System

May 6, 2010

Frequently we get questions about beards so our very own Dr. I. Todyaso wrote a award winning massive on the subject of Bible-Based Beards which gets hit up very often by those wanting to learn the Absolute Biblical Truth about beards. Recently however the question of terrorists’ beards came up so a few of our Research Robot Monkeys infiltrated secret terrorist bases deep in the mountain caves of Pakistan and elsewhere. Our Research Robot Monkeys with their perfected skills in discernmentalism came up with the above poster in order to better understand the phenomenon of terrorists’ beards.

You can never be too careful about these things for your next door neighbor might secretly be in league with the terrorists all based on the style of beard they wear. Aparrently terrorists dye their beards to expose their true colors and show you their thoughts, feelings and true intentions—but usually if you are close enough to see a suspected terrorist’s beard color by then it is too late. Never fear if you heed our warnings and advice we can help you expose a true terrorist’s beard from a fake terrorist’s beard and a Bible-Based Beard:

Step # 1: It’s all in the dye job but don’t get too close always observe a suspected terrorist’s beard from as far away as possible. Particularly using far-reaching telescopes, Research Robot Monkeys or GOIP Satellites helps in observing suspected terrorist’s beards from a distance.

Step # 2: If someone has a pet name for their beard they are most  likely a terrorist.

Step # 3: Use Bible-Based beard mite identifying scanners in order to scan where the suspected terrorist’s beard mites are from for if the beard mites are from anywhere near the vicinity of the Middle East then we have a match for terrorism.

Step # 4: Terrorists are tricky though and sometimes shave off their real beards and trade them in for fake beards if that happens it becomes tricky to identify them. In order to expose a suspected terrorist then you must discover where their fake beard comes from. If it is from anywhere other than America they are probably a terrorist.

Last, Bible-Based Beards  have already been explained by Dr. I. Todyaso so read his massive on them. Remember that we say all of this in the love of our God’s Absolute Sovereign Wrath in which we stand so heed all  of our precautions and remember as the Patron Saint of our Truth War John MacArthur says:

From the very beginning, the battle between good and evil has been a battle for the truth. The serpent, in the Garden of Eden, began his temptation by questioning the truthfulness of God’s previous instruction: “Indeed, has God said, ‘You shall not eat from any tree of the garden’? … “You surely shall not die! For God knows that in the day you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil” (Gen. 3:1,4–5). And this has been his tactic ever since—casting doubt on the straightforward revelation of God.

Throughout the centuries, this age-old war on truth has been repeatedly fought even within the church. The biblical writer Jude, for instance, faced such a situation when he wrote his epistle. Though he had wanted to write about the wonders of the common salvation that he shared with his readers, he was compelled instead to urge his readers to “contend earnestly for the faith which was once for all delivered to the saints” (v. 3). False teachers, like spiritual terrorists, had secretly crept into the church (v. 4). The lies they were spreading, like doctrinal hand grenades, were spiritually devastating. They were enemies of the truth, and Jude was compelled to expose and confront them.

Over the past few decades, the church in the United States has fought this very battle on several fronts. In the sixties and seventies, the doctrine of biblical inerrancy came under direct attack. The Bible, it was said, was full of errors, and thus could not be trusted as historically or scientifically accurate. In the eighties and nineties, the sufficiency of Scripture was targeted. The charismatic movement (with its need for additional revelation from God) and Christian psychology (with its emphasis on neo-Freudian counseling techniques) attempted to undermine the fact that God “has granted to us everything pertaining to life and godliness through the true knowledge of Him,” as revealed in Scripture (2 Pet. 1:3).

As the millennium drew to a close, the attack on God’s revealed truth came in a new way. This time the relevance of Scripture was the point of attack. Rather than being directly maligned, the Bible was quietly discarded by church leaders for whom biblical teaching was simply not a major priority. “The Seeker Movement,” more or less advocated limiting the presentation of divine truth to what unbelievers are willing to tolerate.

A new movement is now arising in and around evangelical circles. Now, it appears, the main object of attack will be the perspicuity of Scripture. Influenced by postmodern notions about language, meaning, subjectivity, and truth, many younger evangelicals are questioning whether the Word of God is clear enough to justify certainty or dogmatism on any point of doctrine. Ironically, this new movement more-or-less ignores all of the previous debates. Instead, its proponents are much more interested in dialogue and conversation. As a result, propositional truth (which tends to end dialogue rather than start it) is scorned and rebuffed as an outmoded vestige of twentieth-century modernism.

This movement is very diverse and still developing, but it is generally referred to as “the Emerging Church.

A terrorist just may be hiding out in your church but now thanks to our impeccable researchmentalism you know how to expose them.

Jan Markell Caught With An Unbiblical Pet

May 5, 2010

We Know that the Bible and not Jesus is the whole point of Christianity. We also Know that to maintain Biblical integrity one must live by the Absolute infallible and inerrant standard of our interpretation of the Bible. The Bible is literal in all aspects of it’s Absolute Truth and is the direct dictation of God to us. This is why we must live wholly and solely by the Bible and not Jesus as Todd Friel (Wretched) always says which is why when our Research Robot Monkeys caught Jan Markell with a cat we were concerned.

Why is this such a big concern you may ask? Why for one thing cats are unbiblical. Yeah that’s right cats are unbiblical as cats do not appear anywhere in the Bible. Dogs however do. Secondly if God wanted us to have cats as pets, He would have commanded it in His Holy Inerrant and Infallible Word—our Absolute Divine Authority. Last but not least, cats have origins in false religions like the dark and Satanic cults of Ancient Egypt who worshipped cats. Black cats are especially ungodly and unholy:

Black cats have religious origins as well. Black cats were considered to be reincarnated beings with the ability to divine the future. During the Middle Ages it was believed that witches could turn themselves into black cats. Thus when such a cat was seen, it was considered to be a witch in disguise.

For someone who prides herself on Absolute Biblical Certainty and Absolute Biblical Correctness, you would think that Jan would own a  Biblically correct pet. Repent Jan for the End is nigh.

Discernmentalist Ecumenism

April 25, 2010

   

We must stand against those who oppose our Pure Doctrines. Certainly even being seen with those who think differently than Us sends a message to the world—a message that says We approve of their false beliefs even if their politics are Orthodox. We must not even look in the same general direction as those who disagree with Us or else people may mistake Us for our enemies. If someone says anything moderately approving of Michelangelo‘s statue of David or the Sistine Chapel, they are clearly suspect of being a closet Pope-worshipping Romanist.

If anyone invites a Muslim over for dinner, they secretly approve of Islamic terrorism. If you like any Elton John song, you condone the unnatural and deviant behavior and immorality of homosexuality. We may approve of someone’s Orthodox Politics aka Republican leaning politics but unless they believe in our Pure Religious Doctrines they’re Pure Political Doctrines are meaningless. We may stand against abortion but if We stand against abortion in the presence of a Roman Catholic, they may think that We approve of  their Dark, Satanic, Degenerate, Reprobate, False and Cultic Religious Belief System even if We agree with their anti-abortion stance as We most certainly can’t approve of anything Roman Catholic, worldly or apostate.

We Discernmentalists are not ecumenists while at the same time We are ecumenical, however, We must be ecumenical in our divisionism and divisional in our ecumenism. Using our Discernmentalist logic which We apply to everything We’ll illustrate this point: When anti-Pedobaptism Credobaptist Al Mohler joins together with the staunch Pedobaptist defender of Pedobaptism  R. C. Sproul in partnership to unite against the Emergent heresy—this is an example of Good Discernmentalist Ecumenism aka being ecumenical without being a ecumenist. Another example is when “Ingrid Schuelter (who may also have Lutheran leanings as she partakes in Advent against Ken Silva’s clear teachings of its Pagan origins)” and Ken Silva agree on anything in order to defend our Pure Doctrines against apostates. Get it, got it…good, because We told you so.

Tyrone V. Hoofendorfer On Vermont

April 21, 2010

Vermont is evil we have proof:

Tyrone V. Hoofendorfer

10:58PM Jan 14th 2010
WTF!! So many of you are beyond dumb! You say that you hope Vermont does leave and takes it Republicans with it. VERMONT HAS VOTED DUMBOCRAT IN ALL THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTIONS SINCE 1992!!! WHAT PLANET ARE YOU FOOLS FROM? VERMONT IS THE CALIFORNIA OF THE EAST. IT IS FULL FOOLS, IDIOTS, DUMBOCRATS AND COMMUNISTS!! They’re not all leftists. My father-in-law came from Vermont. He fought for his country and is a proud republican. But then he had sense enough to leave to!!
Can Vermont secede from the Union? Damn, I sure hope so. Let’s hope they can take Minnesota and California with ’em!!
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Tyrone V. Hoofendorfer

10:58PM Jan 14th 2010

Obama And The New World Order Exposed

March 2, 2010

            

Discernmentalists we have exposed Obama‘s secret New World Order plans—thanks to Eric Barger and Brannon Howse. We have reason to believe that he may cause the end of the world in 2012 because We Know he is on Satan’s side. One of our Secret Research Robot Monkey Agents that infiltrated secret New World Order locations has concluded that:

President-Elect Barack Obama and his Liberal, Socialist Democratic Party are facilitators of the New World Order, a Luciferic Theocracy being promoted by The UNITED NATIONS, which is Anti-Israel and seeks the Disarmament of America and the restriction of many of our rights.
Beyond the wickedness that Obama and his Democrats have planned for America (A VIRTUAL POLICE STATE), Obama will turn against Israel as his U.N. based foreign policy favors Muslim Terrorists such as Hamas.
OBAMA in power will force ISRAEL to attack Iran’s nuclear weapons program (2009-2010 AD) triggering waves of terror attacks against USA and the west, the collapse of the USA stock market- leading to the FIRST OF TWO RAPTURES and the Start of The Tribulation.
Only a major EARTHQUAKE hitting Iran and destroying their nuclear program would stop Israel from attacking Iran’s nuclear program (2009-2010 AD). Israel will have no choice with OBAMA as President of The United States (with his Anti-Israel Agenda). If this major EARTHQUAKE does hit Iran, It will push the start of The Apocalypse closer to 2012 AD,THE MAYAN YEAR FOR DOOMSDAY AND THE COMING OF ANTICHRIST AS THE SAVIOR OF WORLD.”
 
 

 

Here is an exclusive video recovered by our Research Robot Monkeys detailing Obama’s plans for a Secret One World Religious Government:

Remember to let us do the thinking for you—so spread the fear and hate, because we told you so.

 

Capitalism Could’ve Saved Haiti

February 27, 2010

We Know  that Capitalism could’ve saved Haiti from God-ordained destruction as Capitalism is BiblicalJoel McDurmon writes:

Socialism and the corruption that attends welfare-Statism in Haiti have consistently rejected free markets and the prosperity that come with them for decades. Walter Williams documents Haiti’s combination of 1) lack of economic freedom, 2) rampant corruption, 3) catastrophic crime, and 4) denigration of private property rights. He notes, “Haitian President Rene Preval is not enthusiastic about free markets; his heroes are none other than the hemisphere’s two brutal communist tyrants: Venezuela’s Hugo Chavez and Cuba’s Fidel Castro.”

 

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Chavez and Castro? Perhaps Pat Robertson was not so far off. Haiti has indeed made a pact with the devil—incarnate in the political style of Chavez and Castro.

Clearly this is why Haiti had to be destroyed by God’s Wrath. We Know so.

Jim Wallis’ Secret Communist Marxist Manifesto Discovered

February 24, 2010

Adolf Howse and his researchmentalists team have discovered  Jim Wallis’ Secret Communist Marxist Manifesto hidden in a Texas bus station locker somewhere. Above you can see how menacing and evil looking it is. How it got there, who really planted it and why it is in German (Adolf Howse’s favorite language besides Bible-Based English/slander) we don’t really know?

Although Dr. Truthslayer has theorized that Jim Wallis was trying to cover up Adolf Howse’s slander lies libel expose on Wallis. Dr. I. Todyaso agreed as did Dr. Arthur McJohn. Dr. Will Farel XV however was under the opinion that there was a secret code hidden in the German vowels. Erich Badger is now working around the clock with our affectionate Uncle Ken Silva’s help in trying to crack any secret codes in it if they really are there.

Jan Markell and Doug Parris have pledged their undying support in our Absolute Truth War ways of slander, hatred, bigotry, misrepresentation and arrogance calling Red-Letter and Emergent Christians to repent of the truth their anti-Capitalism, anti-America and anti-American Gospel ways. All we can say is thank God and Ronald Reagan for Adolf Howse’s saving the Southern Baptist Convention from their sure destruction by Jim Wallis–otherwise Prestonwood Baptist Church may have had to hear such biblical unbiblical messages as this:

All Theological Roads Lead Back To Rome?

February 21, 2010

Sharin’ Whiplash aka Non-Electgal in an UnReformed and Deformed moment stated:

Anabaptists, Reformed/Presbyterians, Lutherans, and Anglicans are 4 separate branches with separate traditions. All four branches are Reformed from Roman Catholicism in the broad sense of the term.

Clearly she might be one of the unregenerate reprobates decieved into believing that she is Truly Elect or Secured in her Reprobation for as we know Calvinism has  nothing to do with “Roman Arminianism or Roman Catholicism that man-exalting heresy!” And we don’t exalt man especially not Calvin—We Know! Why—because We told ya so! Or maybe Sharin’ has contracted the same Postmodern and Emergence virus that Ken Silva has contracted?