Archive for the ‘Apprising Monasteries’ Category

How To Write A Ken Silvaesque Article! | eHow.com

October 13, 2011

So you want to write an Apprising article just like Ken Silva? Well follow these eight simple steps and pretty soon you’ll be able to write an Apprising Discernmentalist Missive like a pro and even one up Ken Silva himself:

  1. Step one—choose a subject on whom you want to apprise the church on: Candace Cameron-Bure.
  2. Step 2: Can you discern anything slightly heretical about the subject whom you’ve chosen? Yes.
  3. Step 3: Define what you have deemed heretical about the subject you are writing on: Recently Candace Cameron-Bure appeared on a worldly Nickelodeon game show.
  4. Step 4: Here would be a good place in the article to add a screen-capture preferably of a Twitter account to use as incriminating evidence:
  5. Step 5: Was what you deemed heretical a book, a quote, an event or something else? A worldly Nickelodeon game show appearance.
  6. Step 6: What made this so heretical? (Hint: Now is a good time to link your article back to any of your other fellow Online Discernmentalist Ministries and friends or one of your own articles). I’ve already told you that Worldliness is an abomination remember as Romans 12:2 states: “Be not conformed to the world” also as Proverbs 27: 20 states: “‘Hell and destruction are never full; so the eyes of man are never satisfied.” Not only is Nickelodeon worldly but my fellow Truth Warrior Eric Barger has discernmentalized some startling facts about Nickelodeon’s connection to the New World Order and the Occult: “Beware of New Nickelodeon Show: A new, heavily advertised program debuting tomorrow (January 1) on Nickelodeon will introduce American children to a Harry Potter-like hit show from Belgian called “The House of Anubis.” From watching the video trailer for the new TV show, it is very obvious that the producers are cashing in on the blockbuster success of the J.K. Rowling novels. It also further illustrates the fascination and affinity the world is showing for entertainment which promotes ungodly supernaturalism. At very least “The House of Anubis” glorifies its namesake – “a jackal-headed god associated with mummification and the afterlife in Egyptian mythology.” In occult circles, Anubis is known as one of the most powerful demonic deities. I wrote about this is the updated version of my book (with David Benoit) Entertaining Spirits Unaware: The End-Time Occult Invasion. (See: http://www.ericbarger.com/esu.htm) This is just another step in the desensitization process of our society (and out children). Our world is now viewing the occult as “normal” – a certain sign of the End-Days.” Therefore we can only conclude that by Candace Cameron-Bure appearing on a show on a network that promotes Occultic NWO shows then she has destroyed any integrity in her purity of  True Christian Doctrine that she had left and may in fact be a False Convert. Also she was sinfully-ecumenical on that worldly show with Larry Kinga known supporter of Liberal politics who rejects the True Gospel and Joey Fatone-who was a member in a band with a homosexual.  This sends the world the wrong message. This tells the world that Christians accept the great lie and satanic deception of Liberalism that means that homosexuality and abortion are ok but war is wrong. Lastly, the worldly show that Candace Cameron-Bure appeared on promotes sharing and charities which are communism and socialism according to my fellow Discernmentalist Jan Markell’s clear teachings.
  7. Step 7: Make sure to add at least one quote or two from John MacArthur (P. B. U. H.) or Spurgeon or both of these men of God  to add a little “non-sissified anti-Evanjellyfish doctrinal theology” into your article: “If you’ve been watching the headlines over the last couple years, you may have noticed the incredible surge of interest in affirming homosexuality. Whether it’s at the heart of a religious scandal, political corruption, radical legislation, or the redefinition of marriage, homosexual interests have come to characterize America. That’s an indication of the success of the gay agenda. And some Christians, including some national church leaders, have wavered on the issue even recently. But sadly, when people refuse to acknowledge the sinfulness of homosexuality–calling evil good and good evil (Isaiah 5:20)–they do so at the expense of many souls. How should you respond to the success of the gay agenda? Should you accept the recent trend toward tolerance? Or should you side with those who exclude homosexuals with hostility and disdain? In reality, the Bible calls for a balance between what some people think are two opposing reactions–condemnation and compassion. Really, the two together are essential elements of biblical love, and that’s something the homosexual sinner desperately needs. Homosexual advocates have been remarkably effective in selling their warped interpretations of passages in Scripture that address homosexuality. When you ask a homosexual what the Bible says about homosexuality–and many of them know–they have digested an interpretation that is not only warped, but also completely irrational. Pro-homosexual arguments from the Bible are nothing but smokescreens–as you come close, you see right through them. God’s condemnation of homosexuality is abundantly clear–He opposes it in every age.“—Dr. John MacArthur (P. B. U. H.) on the Gay Agenda. Spurgeon on worldliness: “It is clear to every one who is willing to see it that laxity of doctrine is either the parent of worldliness, or is in some other way very near akin to it. The men who give up the old faith are the same persons who plead for latitude as to general conduct. The Puritan is not more notorious for his orthodoxy than for his separateness from the world. Liberal divines do not always command the respect of the public, but they gain a certain popularity by pandering to prevailing tastes. The ungodly world is so far on their side that it commends them for their liberality, and rails at the orthodox as bigots and kill-joys. It is a very suspicious circumstance that very often the less a man knows of the inner life, and the less he even cares to speak of it, the more heartily he is for the new theology, the theory of evolution, and the condemnation of all settled doctrine. Those who would have a blessing from the Lord must avoid all this, and determine to follow the Lord fully. Not only must they quit false doctrine, but they must receive the gospel, not as dogma, but as vital truth. Only as the truth is attended with living faith will it prove its own royal power. Believers must also sweep the house of the leaven of worldliness, and the frivolities of a giddy generation. The evil which is now current eats as doth a canker, and there is no hope for healthy godliness until it is cut out of the body of the church by her again repenting, and doing her first works.
  8. Step 8: Write a conclusion: “Let’s mobilize our Lord’s forces and lift up the banner of Jesus Christ of Nazareth—our great God and Savior—for the whole world to see! For he who is in you is greater than he who is in the world (1 John 4:4) Might we give ourselves completely to the Lord that He use us to rescue those lost in the twisted kingdom of the cults.” Finish. Congratulations! Now, you’ve written a Ken Silvaesque article!
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Emerging Shark Possibly Indentified!

September 23, 2011

“We saw the shark’s nose emerge and then the man just vanished. It was very sudden, then the animal just swam off. ”

Update: Apprising Ken Silva News ReportsEmerging Church Shark spotted swimming deep in the Indian Ocean earlier this morning. Authorities say be on the look out for any sign of “tall hair” breaking the surface of the water in your area. You may also know an Emerging Shark by his or her lack of Doctrinal convictions. Quote Phil Johnson:

“If you happen to read the book [Beliefs of Emerging Churches – Five Perspectives], let me know if Kimball’s chapter strikes you the same way it struck me. Not only does it seem like Kimball has not really thought his position through very carefully; I got the distinct impression he wouldn’t really care to give it much more serious thought. Frankly, the message that comes across in that chapter is that he really doesn’t want to be bothered with doctrine. Like a lot of postmodern church members, he doesn’t seem to have the stomach for propositional theology …

“Even the most conservative voices in the Emerging Church movement face this problem to some degree, because although they might not be self-consciously postmodern in their own thinking, they are too concerned with keeping ‘the conversation’ going. Once someone abandons his or her doctrinal convictions to the degree Kimball advocates and embraces ‘the conversation’ as a primary goal instead, the commandment in Jude 3 (‘Contend earnestly for the faith which was once for all delivered to the saints’) becomes next to impossible to obey …”
– Philip Johnson

Ordination Of Women Causes Your Home To Be Robbed

September 20, 2011



“This is the fullest and most informative analysis available, and no one will be able to deny the cumulative strength of the case this author makes.” – J.I. Packer

Clearly this is why we all must take a stand against women preaching. Why I just heard the other day that a female pastor was preaching in a liberal apostate church and caused the whole congregation to contract AIDS. Ken Silva was there so of course this must be True. Speaking of Ken Silva a church that Ken frequently attends had this to say about women in the church:

The Bible teaches that women are not to speak in church. This is an apostolic rule that is based on the created order. The fact that our society is in rebellion against the biblical teaching regarding women does not make the Bible obsolete; it makes us who adopt the world’s values shameful and dishonoring to the Lord.

While we’re at it we should forbid women from sneezing in church as I heard from a colleague of our Truth War that a woman sneezed in his church and Satan appeared out of the drainpipe and started flinging feces around. As you can see my facts are correct as Ken Silva would approve. This is how dangerous even letting a woman breathe in church is. As John MacArthur says: “Wouldn’t it be bad to have a few women teachers and preachers and elders?” Yes, yes it would… women are evil incarnate.

Proof:

And here to support what he has just said, come these two wonderful verses, 13 and 14. Here is the root of the role of a woman in the design of God. Verse 13, “For Adam was first formed, then Eve.” Now that is so clear. Woman’s place was ordained in the order of the creation. Adam was made first and then woman. First, protas, first in rank, chief. He is ish, she is ishshah, in the Hebrew. In 1 Corinthians chapter 11, verse 8, “For the man is not of the woman, but the woman of the man. Neither was the man created for the woman. but the woman for the man.” And that’s why she ought to recognize his authority. In creation, God made man first. Now keep this in mind. Man was made for God and woman was made for man. Eve was made for Adam. She was made to be his helper. Genesis 2:18-25. She is his glory. Man is the glory of God, woman is the glory of man. She is made to be the helper of man. She is to follow his lead, live in his provision, find safety in his strength and protection in his courage. The tendency to follow was built into Eve until the fall, and then came the curse, and in that curse the tendency to…to rule and then the conflict. This is not a cultural issue, friends. This is not a cultural issue. Those people who say, “Well, this was just some bias.” This is not any Pauline bias. This is not some rabbinical gloss. This is Genesis. This is creation. It isn’t temporary and it isn’t cultural. Adam was first formed, then Eve.

So remember: “Liberty and Grace to you fellow male Truth-Warriors; women be silent.”

Thankfully you have this True Bible-Believing Online Discernment Ministry to warn you of all this evil—standing in our Great Doctrines,

Don Jobson.

Ken Silva Quote Of The Day

September 14, 2011

Your daily dose of Ken Silva:

“I’d rather lack a brain than be like those sissified Evanjellyfish Emergynts and lack a backbone.” —Ken Silva on whether or not simple mental capabilities, higher critical thinking, logical skills and reasoning have anything to do with following Jesus and the spiritual life of a Christian.

Cat Glasses!

July 11, 2010

Wretched News exercising a test of the Sound Doctrines Detecting Tester of Locating Out of Order New Age Trends noted that anyone caught wearing “Cat Glasses” is suspect theologically. Reasons given are:

  1. Cat Glasses are synonymous with Catholics
  2. Catholics are semi-Pelagian quasi-Universalists
  3. Rob Bell, “Emergent guru” is also a semi-Pelagian quasi-Universalist
  4. Rob Bell wears Cat Glasses
  5. Rob Bell is also a heretic
  6. Therefore anyone caught wearing Cat Glasses is also suspect of being a heretic

Our logic is flawless who can argue against these points. We all must do whatever we can to take a stand and come against those who would dare wear Cat Glasses in our churches. Dr. Truthslayer my colleague in Discernmentalism adds that: “we support this kind of discernmentalism as absolute truth and so should you. We KNOW Rob is an emerging-liberal apostate…so anything we say or do (even if not factual) should still be accepted as truth.”

P. S. “Rob Bell is definitely not like Jesus” so you should never wear, imitate or do anything he does.

Sharin’ Whiplash Goes Contemplative….Alert, Alert!

July 9, 2010

Sound the alarms, we’ve caught Sharin’ Whiplash one of our most faithful expositors of our Pure Doctrines in the midst of supporting New Age Mysticism:

More on Contemplative Centering Prayer:

Centering prayer is a popular method of contemplative prayer or Christian meditation, placing a strong emphasis on interior silence.

Though most authors trace its roots to the contemplative prayer of the Desert Fathers of early Christian monasticism, to the Lectio Divina tradition of Benedictine monasticism, and to works like The Cloud of Unknowing and the writings of St. Teresa of Avila and St. John of the Cross, its origins as part of the “Centering Prayer” movement in modern Catholicism and Christianity can be traced to several books published by three Trappist monks of St. Joseph’s Abbey in Spencer, Massachusetts in the 1970s: Fr. William Meninger, Fr. M. Basil Pennington and Abbot Thomas Keating.[1]

Note that Iggy the evil Grace-hating man-loving Emergent Pelagian teaches this stuff so you know it must  be heresy.

Stone Not Spank A Kid 4 Jesus!

July 7, 2010

God’s infallible and inerrant Word the Bible commands us to beat our children all for His Absolute Sovereign Glory so you better beat your children or else. Who cares about the laws of the government against child abuse—they’re all man-centered and man-exalting false and heretical socialist doctrines, anyway! God says to spank, torture and abuse kids to obey the Absolute Biblical Truth Ways of the Master. Time outs and non-harmful/non-abusive  forms of punishment are unbiblical so they’ll never work. Sharin’ Whiplash and Todd Friel teach these doctrines of spanking:

However we here at God’s Only Inerrant Party and of the Online Discernmentalist Mafia believe that spanking is a too spineless and liberal form of punishment. Spanking may be a Biblical Doctrine but it’s not a Pure Biblical Doctrine like the time-tested tried and true Biblical method of stoning like God tells us to do by an Absolute Decree in His Holy Inerrant and Infallible Word in Deuteronomy 21:18-21 (King James Version):

18 If a man have a stubborn and rebellious son, which will not obey the voice of his father, or the voice of his mother, and that, when they have chastened him, will not hearken unto them:

19 Then shall his father and his mother lay hold on him, and bring him out unto the elders of his city, and unto the gate of his place;

20 And they shall say unto the elders of his city, This our son is stubborn and rebellious, he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton, and a drunkard.

21 And all the men of his city shall stone him with stones, that he die: so shalt thou put evil away from among you; and all Israel shall hear, and fear.

 As you can see Our Way of dealing with disobedient children has the Spine that Todd Friel and Sharin’ Whiplash’s way lacks as Our Way is more Pure and Absolute Truth Biblical being that Our Way is Truly God’s Way of dealing with disobedient children .

Play Your Part In Helping Us To Win John MacArthur’s Truth War

July 5, 2010

Help us win John MacArthur’s Truth War by obeying our rules or else the Emergent Postmodernist Spiritual Terrorists will win!

P. S. That means you too John Armstrong!

How To Live With A Neurotic Watch Dog!

July 3, 2010

Ken Silva‘s wife has written this handy Bible-Based guide for all ODM wives and/or ODM wives to be:

See also: Our Pure Ideal For Our Pure Women for a related post full of quality Researchmentalism.

Contemplative Commercial Spotted

June 21, 2010

Those evil Emergents are at it again. Our Research Robot Monkeys were doing valid Discernmentalist Researchmentalism on TV when all of a sudden this hidden Contemplative commercial emerged and was spotted by them: 

How dare those Emergents covertly unleash Purpose-Driven Mysticism on our sacred TV screens—we must put a stop to their Secret Covert Contemplative Black-OPs! Why if the Emergent Church has their way pretty soon everyone will be on their way back to Rome by watching TVs in rooms with couches and candles and chanting Hindu-voodoo chants thinking that God will change them through Contemplative Prayer. Oh the horror of such blasphemous notions!

We must take a stand against this just like our affectionate uncle the great Pastor-Teacher-Scholar Ken Silva himself would if he was half as efficient at Discernmentalism as we are.