Archive for the ‘Absolute Diets’ Category

Our Conditions for God’s Unconditional Grace…

October 11, 2019

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God’s Grace is unconditional as the U and I in TULIP points out and we always scream and yell about and preach from our pulpits and debate/argue with grace-hating man-loving semi-Pelagian Armenians over—however just because God’s Grace is unconditional doesn’t mean His love is:

 

“the love of God that is unconditional,” The love of God is not unconditional. “Acts 17:30 English Standard Version (ESV) 30 The times of ignorance God overlooked, but now he commands all people everywhere to repent” There is the condition. Anyone teaching otherwise is lying.” It’s supposed to be a love that is real and genuine, that can accept people for who they are, even if you don’t agree with them.” Baloney. Loving someone is bringing them to the knowledge of Christ, not accepting their sin,.

“18 And Jesus came and said to them, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19 Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in[b] the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you Matthew 28 – no unconditional love there either.

In fact we know there are terms and conditions to God’s Unconditional Grace (love) as we wrote them so if anyone violates any of our terms & conditions we can only conclude that God has deemed them unworthy of His Unconditional Grace (love). Terms and conditions that make you unworthy of God’s Unconditional Grace (love):

  1. You’re Armenian.
  2. You’re gay or have spoken nicely of gays.
  3. You had or are thinking about having an abortion.
  4. You believe feminism.
  5. You’re a Democrat or even voted Democrat even once.
  6. You’re an anti-Trump RINO.
  7. You don’t believe in Hell.
  8. You believe God is full of love not Holy Sovereign Wrath.

However once again we must give a free pass to our fellow warmongers even-though they violate all that Jesus commanded in the Sermon on the Mount and our Most Biblical and Godly President ever even-though he violated all that Jesus commanded on divorce and remarriage. All those who put America First are exempt from the terms and conditions we’ve placed on God’s Unconditional Grace (love).

 

Mrs. Jobson speaks on Mothballs

June 24, 2019

I’m proud of my wife’s article against the feminist assaults we’ve been facing and how to combat them that I wrote for her in keeping with our Clear Teachings on wifely submission—I tried to submit it on her behalf to The Council On Biblical Manhood and womanhood for publication in the latest issue of their magazine on Biblical womanhood but they rejected it and laughed in my face. I suspect it is because they saw her name as the author—I know it can’t be because of the references to mothballs in the article because they agree with Our Brand. For those of you who don’t know the main definition of mothballs as defined in Volume Two of The Discernmentalist Dictionary is:

MOTHBALLs or (Modernism’s Old Theologies of Hate Bringing About Legalism on  Ladies): (noun)- the only known protection against Mothra and feminist attacks on Discernmentalist Truth. Also useful in warding off Bibliophiles.

Anyways here is my lovely wife’s beautiful and well-written article:

0_300x300_Back_Color-WhiteMy Life As An Unfeminist Submissive Mothball Wearing Wife

By Mrs. Brandy Hose Jobson

Contrary to what our annoyed tortured faithful readers may think Mrs. Jobson indeed loves wearing  her mothball necklace. In fact just smelling them have calmed Mrs. Jobson’s (her)  fears of Mothra’s feminist Agenda assaulting our Truth. Mrs. Jobson wishes more women would learn the joy of being submissive and the benefits of wearing mothballs for protection. I (Don Jobson) told her (my wife Mrs. Jobson) that any time she’s tempted to even think the unbiblical thought of women being able to pastor a church—just keep calm by focusing on her mothballs. Now you can see the Clear benefits of our Teachings. I was telling Mrs. Jobson the other day that if “tolerance” is the core value of political correctness then feminism is it’s most cherished cause–and the implications of apostate culture’s cultural devotion to feminism are monstrous. Feminism is not about equal rights for women but about the feminization of the American male.

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My wife’s lovely mothball necklace 4 Protection against Mothra and feminists

It has indeed turned even more monstrous ever since these Mothra attacks started occurring on innocent unsuspecting Southern Baptist churches but thankfully our Brand works like a charm. In fact its extra magical almost like the heretical Mormon cult’s secret undergarments—only ours is Truly Biblical. Sadly though it has yet to be seen as working on gay feminists. This content is for Premium members only. Login or sign up to gain access to over $164440 in Worldview Weekend resources. (Whoops looks like Brannon is charging now for us Discernmentalists to crib from his self-righteous site. How dare he!).

Feminist Mothra dogma decrees that women can never be successful. That shows how out of touch the feminists are. Now Mothra as you may not know was never successful especially since:

Mothra is one of the most powerful psychics in the Toho universe. She has had the ability to use this power benevolently, to communicate with humans, or defensively, to destroy her enemies. As suggested earlier, Mothra is assumed to be divine and draws many parallels to the Phoenix, which makes her one of the more powerful kaiju of the Toho universe. Mothra has become one of Godzilla’s more challenging opponents, having achieved the greatest success rate in battle save Godzilla himself…

Anyways just remember mothballs for your protection against the Mothra feminist hordes. Mrs. Jobson agrees with me because I told her to.

My wife still protected by mothballs from Mothra feminists,

Don Jobson

Celebrities Endorsed Rob Bell’s Dr. Pepper

May 21, 2019

Gene Simmons of Kiss in the past endorsed Rob Bell’s heretical plot to use Dr. Pepper to lure unsuspecting sinners into believing God’s Love wins. Quote one of our old articles—Actual quote from Rob Bell (a heretic): “Hahaha…if I use the same colors on the book cover of Love Wins as Dr. Pepper Cherry, people will have to believe my Universalist message that Love Wins.” Ken Silva who wasn’t half the Discernmentalist that we are—failed to catch that. Thankfully though we have warned you at just how crafty the Emergent Church’s secret Agenda is!

Thankfully our Research Robot Monkeys also heard that Gene recently got saved from the Emergent hordes as he was heard weeping tears of joy at the Pentagon from hearing the good news of their war mongering. We heard he repented and started worshipping America First again—thank our Angry God! Now you may not know but elsewhere Rob Bell (a heretic) said this against our beloved America which proves him a heretic as America should never be questioned:

“Most of the Bible is a history told by people living in lands occupied by conquering superpowers. It is a book written from the underside of power. It’s an oppression narrative. The majority of the Bible was written by a minority people living under the rule and reign of massive, mighty empires, from the Egyptian Empire to the Babylonian Empire to the Persian Empire to the Assyrian Empire to the Roman Empire.

This can make the Bible a very difficult book to understand if you are reading it as a citizen of the most powerful empire the world has ever seen. Without careful study and reflection, and humility, it may even be possible to miss central themes of the Scriptures.”
Rob Bell, Jesus Wants to Save Christians: A Manifesto for the Church in Exile

You see there he’s saying Americans can’t understand the Bible—nonsense as we all know Americans (or at least Nationalists) wrote our Bible. Here’s a Trumpism for you to counteract this heresy: “We love winners. We love winners. Winners are winners.”

Islam Is Too Liberal

April 20, 2019

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Islam is too liberal for America. They refuse to be Conservative like us. They don’t look like us. They’re poor. They have intellectuals among them. They have beards. Their food is healthy. They refuse to discriminate against non-Islamic Americans. They’ll sell you pork even-though its against their religion. They’re foreigners. Obama was one of them. They refuse to follow biblical American values like Capitalism. They demand Rights. They want welfare handouts like Marxist socialist commies. They want  to impose Shareeka’s Law on us. They have funny names. They’re unreasonable unlike us:

So when Exodus 21:15-17 prescribes that cursing or striking a parent is to be punished by execution, that’s fine with Gary North. “When people curse their parents, it unquestionably is a capital crime,” he writes. “The integrity of the family must be maintained by the threat of death.” Likewise with blasphemy, dealt with summarily in Leviticus 24:16: “And he that blasphemeth the name of the Lord, he shall surely be put to death, and all the congregation shall certainly stone him.”

Reconstructionists provide the most enthusiastic constituency for stoning since the Taliban seized Kabul. “Why stoning?” asks North. “There are many reasons. First, the implements of execution are available to everyone at virtually no cost.” Thrift and ubiquity aside, “executions are community projects–not with spectators who watch a professional executioner do `his’ duty, but rather with actual participants.” You might even say that like square dances or quilting bees, they represent the kind of hands-on neighborliness so often missed in this impersonal era. “That modern Christians never consider the possibility of the reintroduction of stoning for capital crimes,” North continues, “indicates how thoroughly humanistic concepts of punishment have influenced the thinking of Christians.”—Gary North (White  American Conservative Protestant Calvinist Christian Tea Party Economist Bible-Believing  Heterosexual Capitalist Male)

This is why we must take a stand against religious freedom for Muslims and refuse to let them immigrate  here.

Happy Non-Pagan Easter Reprobates: Now Burn In Hell!

April 19, 2019

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Its the most satanic time of the year when millions of apostates participate in Popish Pagan Occultism against our clear Biblical Doctrines:

“Easter should not be celebrated either corporately in church or privately at home period.”—Sharon M. Whitley has spoken.

Thankfuly we  now  have the most intelligent—most Biblical President ever in the White House now who would never lead God’s True Elect astray into celebrating the blasphemous Romish idolatry of a Christ-centered Easter unlike our last Muslim President Obama. This is why all True Christians elected by God in our great sovereign hatred and discernmentalism must take a stand against this holiday of pagan Ishtar worship nonsense—beside we who truly know God know that God only honors Holy Days that celebrate America First!

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Judging Others: The True Christian’s Duty!

April 17, 2019

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Bow to our Pure Doctrines heretics for we stand in judgment over you with our great Discenmentalism. You have heard it said judge not lest ye be judged but we say unto you that we have a right to judge all with our high standards of our Judgementalism using our Discernmentalist methods:

Angry Nonsense Guarding Everyone Really Horrible Against Truly Reformed Evangelicals Deconverting [to a more reflective Christianity] (ANGERHATRED)

For if we were to remove our Truth from grace you wouldn’t have grace, but a spineless imitation. (As you’ve already figured out, this is the shadow side of liberalism.) We judge so that our grace might abound.

We Hate Easter!

April 8, 2011

If there is any Evil Pagan unholy-day we hate just as much as the blasphemous Roman Arminian Papist Christ-Mass—it would be Easter…why you may ask? Because Easter is the spawn of Satan:

Easter: The Devil’s Holiday
Recalling the fundamentals of the Papist Holiday and what we should be thinking about as true Christians.

Easter: The Devil’s Holiday
by Dr. C. Matthew McMahon

Easter has little to do with real Christianity. Does that surprise you? It should not. For example, Easter was not popular with the Puritans or the Pilgrim settlers in America. Neither Puritans or Pilgrims had use for ceremonies associated with religious festivals invented in either pagan history, or reinvented by Roman Catholicism. In actuality, here in the America’s only after the bloodshed Civil War did Easter “begin again” to be accepted. As Walsh states in his “Holy Time and Sacred Space in Puritan New England” (Walsh, American Quarterly, Vol. 32, No. 1 (Spring, 1980), pp. 79-95) “The New England [Pilgrims] like Reformed Protestants everywhere, rejected traditional Roman Catholic and Anglican beliefs and practices that organized time around consecrated churches, railed-off altars, holy shrines, miraculous wells, and that supposed the flow of time to be an irregular succession of holy days and sacred seasons. The Reformers argued, what was intend3e as a crutch for others had become a cast for Christians who willingly accepted the obligation of constant worship. They for whom all days are holy can have no holidays.” (See, for example, The Sermons of John Calvin Upon the Fifth Book of Moses called Deuteronomie, trans. Arthur Golding (London: H. Middleton, 1583).


New Bible-Based Laxative

April 19, 2010

Finally a colon cleanser fit to relieve the bowels of God’s Holy Predestined Elect introducing PoopraCrapsarian Laxatives. Every PoopraCrapsarian tablet is made by the most natural and Biblical of ingredients based on the Levetical Dietary Laws of keeping Kosher.  All PoopraCrapsarian tablets contain the Absolute Decrees of God so remember PoopraCrapsarian Laxatives for all your colon cleansing needs—good only for the fatallistically predetermined voiding of bowels.

Warning PoopraCrapsarian Laxatives are only good enough for the Truly Predestined Elect of God—the True Converts. Side effects may include but are not limited to: bloating, upset stomach, diaherrea, arrogance, extreme Capitalism, anti-Catholic bigotry, a feeling of religious supremacy over those who disagree with you, elitism, aversion to religious objects, the need to burn heretics at the stake, love of war and torture, condescension and other  side effects. False Converts, unregenerate reprobates and heathens need not apply as they have already been  fatallistically predetermined by God to suffer the wrath of eternal bowel discomfort from the foundation of the world.

Worldly Cheese Found

April 3, 2010

Our Research Robot Monkeys are always combing the web and the globe for all things worldly and apostate as they are able to find the devil in anything and everything. Recently a worldly and demon possessed cheese has been brought to their attention:

What makes this cheese so evil and reprobate? Just listen to the name Babybel which sounds too much like Babel which was in Babylon. Oh the rank apostasy—not only that we  believe Babybel cheese is truly Satanic for when our Research Robot Monkeys parsed the letters out  of  Babybel, they discovered it was a secret codeword for Baby Bel. Bel as in BelBa’al or Belial which of course are other names for the devil.

We concur as here are some of the worldly promises which Babybel offers:

  • they suit alternative vegetarian dietary needs (this is nothing  but liberalism).
  • they make Goat cheese (Goats  are symbolic of Satan and the unsaved non-Elect unregenerate reprobates).
  • they promise laughter (Discernmentalists don’t believe in laughter as laughter is too fun and fun leads to rebellion and rebellion is of the devil. We do believe in laughing at the non-Elect however and rejoice in their predestined damnation which brings gory glory to God).
  • it’s feminist (their commercial says that the cheese is “for the laughing girl”).
  • We Know that Emergents probably like it and if it was used in their churches it would cause women to disobey I Corinthians 14:33-35: “33For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace, as in all churches of the saints. 34Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience as also saith the law. 35And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church.” (KJV).

Coca-Cola Drinking Christians: Neo-Marxism In The Church?

February 16, 2010

In many churches and their buildings you may find red Coke machines. This is wrong as red is an evil color. Red is the color of communism, Satan and Leftist Christians or so-called Christians that want to mute the words of Paul and other writers and only follow Jesus’ words. They call themselves “red-letter Christians.”
 

 They feel it is convenient to blot out the words of Paul on homosexuality and focus in on the good deeds Jesus talks about. Most are pacifists who reject an “eye for an eye” (Leviticus 24:19-20). They focus on Jesus’ words about helping the poor, ministering to “the least of these” (Matthew 25:40), loving our enemies, etc. That justifies abandoning hundreds, even thousands of condemning verses in the Bible they choose to wish away. That makes homosexuality OK and war wrong! And remember, Paul and the others in the Bible represent Jesus’ words. They were His spokesmen. Some who believe this way practice a form of neo-Marxism and others would call it “Christian Marxism” — an oxymoron if there ever was one. They note that the early church shared everything (socialism).  A close cousin to this is “liberation theology.”
 
Those who are high profile in this movement include Jim Wallis, Tony Campolo, Brian McLaren and his Emergent bunch, and the National Council of Churches. Jim Wallis says, “In those red letters, Jesus calls us away from the consumerist values that dominate contemporary American consciousness.”  Translate that to mean he loathes capitalism and opts for socialism and/or communism. We believe the proportion of Coke drinking Christians is equal if not higher than the proportion of Emergent and Red Letter Christians. We believe these things have to do with eachother.

 

Coke use to contain trace amounts of cocaine within it—who is to say they have really removed all the traces of cocaine from their “secret formula.” Anything secret sounds fishy to us—sounds New Agey and  New World Orderish to us as well—in fact, We Know that The Coca-Cola Company is a Global company and globalism is one way in which the New World Order/One World Secret Religious Mystery Babylon Government operates. Could it be that drinking Coke leads to Christians becoming Emergent and Red Letter Christians? Our Research Robot Monkeys have investigated these links further—here are their findings:

We Know that Emergent churches are into being relevant and making a point by incorporating secular and worldly pop culture into their theology. We also Know that Coke is a modern icon idol of secular and worldly pop culture. In many churches and their buildings you may find red Coke machines—many of these churches support the “Seeker-Sensitive” movement—they feel the need to cater to the needs of Coke drinkers everywhere regardless of whether or not they are regenerated True converts or unregenerate reprobated False converts. Red is also a popular color of Kool-Aid which Leftist Liberals love to drink therefore since we have reason to believe that cocaine is still part of Coca-Cola’s “secret formula” and liebrals want to legalize all sorts of drugs—Coke is a way to brainwash the masses in church to communism and the false gospel of social action and social change aka the Social Gospel which is just disguised socialism in Christian dressing.

We are appalled as Coca-Cola Drinking (Red-letter/Emergent) Christians join the chorus of those who believe in a utopia with no wanting or war. Yes, that will come someday, but not the way they think. This could come as a shock to them just because they have little to no regard for other parts of the Bible. They have almost created a new meaning for the term “biblical illiteracy.” 

It is tragic that these folks are frequently called “the evangelical Left.” They don’t have even 1% of evangelical theology in a single bone in their body. They cherry- pick the verses they like, almost exclusively the red letters of Jesus. It is also a great tragedy that we’ve allowed Coca-Cola products into our churches knowing how they are agents of the New World Order/One World Secret Religious Mystery Babylon Government opposing our Pure Bible-based Doctrines of wrath, hate, war, torture, greed, exploitation and Capitalism.