Contrary To Popular Opinion…

by

…The Amish And Not Radical Muslims Were Responsible For The 9-11 World Trade Center Terrorist Attacks.

We have Absolute Proof:

Returning back to a previous comment made by one of our Research Robot Monkeys:  

“Calvinists in  the time of the Reformation considered the Anabaptists to be more dangerous and threatening to the Reformation and to true Biblical Christianity than Romanism.”

We agree—oh how evil those Anabaptists were—I mean how dare they not participate in such Christ-Centered and God-exalting activities such as burning people alive at the stake, drowning people, locking people in their church buildings and setting it and them aflame, torturing random people, etc. Now that’s what I call “true Biblical Christianity”—I mean it’s not like the Roman Catholic Church ever did any of that stuff. Oh no they were never as Godly as our Saints. Besides remember these Pure Words from our Truth War Epistles: “Whoever shall now contend that it is unjust to put heretics and blasphemers to death will knowingly and willingly incur their very guilt.”

Just listen to some of the horrible and man-exalting beliefs of the Anabaptists—Balthasar Hubmaier, Concerning Heretics and Those Who Burn Them:

You see there the Anabaptists attacked our Pure Bible-Based Gospel Doctrines that is why they were and still are so vicious and sinister. Clearly the Anabaptists were such monstrous and Godless heathens as:

“These miserable fanatics have no other goal than to put everything into disorder.. They reveal themselves to be the enemies of God and of the human race…” 

In fact because “Calvinists in  the time of the Reformation considered the Anabaptists to be more dangerous and threatening to the Reformation and to true Biblical Christianity than Romanism”—we believe that the Amish and other Anabaptist sects of today are more dangerous and threatening to true Biblical Christianity than Radical Muslims. In fact, We Know that the Amish are truly Spiritual Terrorists since the Amish are pacifists, and we know all pacifists are Amerika-haters/pinko-commies/muslim/atheist/cheese-eaters/junk-heads, so of course they would be responsible for the 9-11 terrorist attacks, the Great Depression, Pearl Harbor and all the other attacks on us, our Pure Doctrines and our Godly Way of Life.

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2 Responses to “Contrary To Popular Opinion…”

  1. donjobson Says:

    The Controversial Tractor of Death
    It was rumored that the Amish have been constructing a weapon of mass destruction deep within Amish country. A video which was released on Youtube, shows many notable Amish engineers and scientists like Ezekiel Jakobs and Jebediah Jeremaiah working on a what looks like a tractor. They are seen to be working in a barn, surrounded with hay, with many tools around them and blueprints. They can even be heard to be discussing such topics as “mind control”, “fighting fire with fire”, and “world domination”, well domination or abomination; I couldn’t make out the words properly from the other side of the door. The video is yet to be confirmed as real but experts quite agree that this is the actual video of the Death Tractor in question.

    The Amish are known worldwide for refusing to join the army and for playing the kazoo while they pull their wire. Wire pulling is necessary, because there are no electric motors allowed on Amish farms.

    The Amish believe in the practice of getting baptized for dead people who had not been baptized themselves. Amish Bishop Lou Zer Stoltzfus (which means “proud mother”) proudly boasts that he has been baptized for The Notorious B.I.G., for the FBI’s most famous crossdresser, John E. Hoover, and for Jehovah Witness founder I. Zuck Gox.

    The Amish refuse, in good conscience, to choke their chickens, because they are animal lovers.(Ain’t THAT a smell?!) According to their Bible, which encourages same-sex shenanigans, “Thou shalt love thy neighbour.” Well, Amen! to that, Mr. Overalls!

    The Amish are world famous for having discovered a method to preserve a 336 year old German dialect, which they call Pennsylvania Dutch. All they did was, they dressed in funny clothes, refused to drive cars or vote, worked on farms and engaged regularly in entering through the rear and giving their neighbors the old reach around, as opposed to the run around.

    Amishman Shtup Yoder claims to have patented “the secret game” he plays with children of his community in his attic.

  2. donjobson Says:

    The Amish are merry gentlemen. In the morning, when they go to milk the cows, they are a bit down in the dumps, but after twenty minutes in the barm, the Amish will come out, grinning from ear to ear and wanting to go have a smoke and take a nap.

    Most people do not realize that the Amish made and make most of their money from growing and selling tobacco. How’s THAT for “Love Thy Neighbor?!”

    Veteran CBS newsman Richard C. Hottelet conducted extensive interviews in 1963 with the man originally charged with the assassination of President John F. Kennedy, Amish man Jake Zook. After Zook proved that he had been engaged in the oral stimulation of a donkey on his farm in rural Lancaster County, Pennsylvania at the time of the assassination of the President, the FBI released him, but not before treating him to a steak dinner and an all expenses paid round trip to Las Vegas. While there, pig auctioneer Zook hid in the closet of a local church while the ladies’ auxiliary was having a spelling bee. After a bemused old lady entered the closet looking for the broom, Zook closed the door behind her and “finished her thought.”

    Currently the Old Order Amish Church is in negotiations with the Catholic Church with the goal being eventual reunification. All meetings were conducted in Pennsylvania Dutch, because the Amish “distrust” English, and Pope Benedict XVI, former loyal Hitler Youth and Wehrmacht soldier and tireless linguist taught himself that language the weekend before. According to the Holy Father, “Pennsylvania Dutch iss not zat different from mine own dialect, so it’s a piece off cake.”

    As of the last weekend of 2008, there is only one disagreement holding up the Amish from going back to the Catholic Church, and that is the Pope’s refusing to play tiddly winks and to sing “I Am The Nazi Pope” while getting busy with himself and his favorite altar boy. The Pope said that he cannot, in good conscience, play tiddly winks unless the corpse of his mother is allowed to be present for good luck, which the Amish have, so far, refused to accomodate.

    Lastly, we come to the story of one Esther Burkholder, who was known around Intercourse, Pennsylvania as “that Amish lady who can’t keep her mouth shut.” Anyways, it seems that Esther was yakking away to an amused tourist about the town’s funny name for the better part of an hour, when he whipped something out and put it in her mouth. Well, one thing led to another and they got hitched after he, a man by the name of Ernest Vuggnutz, agreed to convert to Amishism and to play the kazoo. Now, whenever Esther talks too much, well, Ernest just puts something in there so she shuts up.

    The Federal Government of the United States of America ordered all Amish to submit DNA samples, which the Amish obediently did, as they are taught to “follow orders without question!” After an exhaustive examination of all the DNA two years later, it was determined that all Amish alive today are descended from the same 17th century Alsatian matriarch, one Hildegard Weitengooey. Hildegard had a hunched back, toe jam, swimmers’ elbow, a head that can spin 360 degrees like that demonized girl in THE EXORCIST, webbed feet, a cleft pallot, and, according to her contemporaries, “the most beautiful muff in the world.”

    According to the same DNA research, all living Amish are also descended from one Alois Schicklgruber, a minor customs official of Braunau-am-Inn, a town in the Austro-Hungarian Empire, in the late 19th Century.

    And that’s the way it is, Tuesday, January 20th, 2009. This is Walter Cronkite, CBS News. Good night.

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