We must stand against those who oppose our Pure Doctrines. Certainly even being seen with those who think differently than Us sends a message to the world—a message that says We approve of their false beliefs even if their politics are Orthodox. We must not even look in the same general direction as those who disagree with Us or else people may mistake Us for our enemies. If someone says anything moderately approving of Michelangelo‘s statue of David or the Sistine Chapel, they are clearly suspect of being a closet Pope-worshipping Romanist.
WTF!! So many of you are beyond dumb! You say that you hope Vermont does leave and takes it Republicans with it. VERMONT HAS VOTED DUMBOCRAT IN ALL THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTIONS SINCE 1992!!! WHAT PLANET ARE YOU FOOLS FROM? VERMONT IS THE CALIFORNIA OF THE EAST. IT IS FULL FOOLS, IDIOTS, DUMBOCRATS AND COMMUNISTS!! They’re not all leftists. My father-in-law came from Vermont. He fought for his country and is a proud republican. But then he had sense enough to leave to!!
Can Vermont secede from the Union? Damn, I sure hope so. Let’s hope they can take Minnesota and California with ’em!!
“Ask Jesus into your heart,” “receive Jesus”—oh the horror of such unbiblical phrases which produces False Converts and is rank heresy. We Know that nothing good can come out of making a decision for Christ as Heaven forbid that might actually change someone. We also Know that none of our own approve of such blasphemous ideas as “asking Jesus into your heart.” This is why we have come up with this guide to teach you the proper and Biblical way to be regenerated entitled Discernmentalist Altar Calls: How To Make Sure Of Your Election:
1. We believe in Altar Calls. We just don’t believe in Arminian Altar Calls as that may lead to the man-exalting heresy of Credobaptism as we prefer the non-Roman Catholic based Pedobaptism. In fact our favorite Altar Call hymn is “Just As I Am” because if you are Truly Elected you don’t have to change nor be changed unless you are homosexual, liberal, a Papist, Emergent or Arminian in which case you are most likely reprobated and not Truly Elect of God.
3. If you have asked Jesus into your heart before— now is the time to unask Him from your heart for as Todd Friel (Wretched) says:
anyone who asked Jesus into their hearts to be saved…is not. If you asked Jesus into your heart because you were told that is what you have to do to become a Christian, you were mis-informed.
If you have ever told someone to ask Jesus into their heart, you produced a false convert.
4. After making room by unasking Jesus from your heart, you must ask John Calvin into your heart as Calvin is the final arbiter of all Christian Truth. Asking Jesus into your heart is a saying that makes no sense but asking Calvin into your heart will make the Bible clear as Calvinism not Jesus is the Gospel.
5. Study the Synods of Dort and the Westminster Confession of Faith and receive them into your heart.
6. Once you have received the Synods of Dort and the Westminster Confession of Faith make a decision to Truly believe them so that you may experience the fruits of their regenerational powers as Dr. R. L. Hymers, Jr. says:
the mere assent to, and belief in, the doctrines of Calvinism (are the True) form of (Godly) “decisionism,” … The man who makes a “decision” to believe the doctrines is (to be) proclaimed saved! If he can explain the Calvinistic “doctrines of grace” he is (to be) accepted into the church with no questions asked about his own experience of conversion. Thus, (if) thousands learn to explain the meaning of TULIP, and are (able), upon the ability to explain these doctrines, (they should be) pronounced (Truly) converted and (therefore) taken into (our) churches.
7. You may repent if you want to but it is not required of the Truly Elect as Luther says: “No sin can separate us from Him, even if we were to kill or commit adultery thousands of times each day,” for if you are Truly Elect you are “Once Saved Always Saved” irregardless of whether you repent or not. This is why John Calvin (murderer) and Charles Spurgeon (glutton) are in Heaven even if they never Truly repented of their sins nor changed their sinful lifestyles. This is why we also accept people like Phil Johnson (glutton), John MacArthur (slanderer), Todd Friel (false accuser of the Brethren) and Charles Stanley (adulterer) as Truly Elect even if they go without Truly repenting of their sins or changing their sinful lifestyles. Repentance then is only Truly required for unregenerate reprobates like homosexuals, liberals, Papists, Emergents and Arminians. Homosexuals must especially repent and change their sinful alternative and deviant lifestyles as homosexuality is unnatural and an abomination to our Holy Wrathful God.
8. Trusting in Jesus and accepting Him into your heart provides a false sense of security and produces backslidders. Trusting in the Dortian Doctrines of Grace provide Eternal Security as we Discernmentalists can never backslide (see point # 7).
9. We Discernmentalists never cause the cause of Christ to be ridiculed even with our bibliolatry and blind Calvinolatry.
10. Evangelism is foolishness if it isn’t fatalistically predeterminist.
11. Here is the scary one. People who haven’t asked Calvin into their hearts are not saved and they will perish on the Day of Judgment. We are sorry but if you haven’t accepted the Dortian Doctrines of Grace you have been pre-chosen to eternally burn in damnation forever period. Congratulations though if you made it through points 1-8 you are Truly Elect as only Calvinism produces True Converts. Solo Calvinus. Soli Calvinus gloria!
A group of former hockey playing feminists aka the Fernie Swastikas have fled from Communistic Canuckistan in order to escape to a better life of being a man’s property. We applaud their bibliolatrous efforts and have welcomed them with opened arms to their new freedom of the right to be a man’s slave here in the Bible Belt of America. What a great testimony to the bible centeredness of our True Republican and True Christian party: God’s Only Inerrant Party.
We are so inspired by the Fernie Swastikas’ story as they said that it was Final President Ronald Reagan who brought them to repent of their former feminist and Socialistic ways which ultimately led them to reject their non-Calvinistic soteriology and therefore get regenerated in the Discernmentalist faith in Calvin by God’s Predetermined Grace. Praise God! They also said that Final President Reagan’s version of the Little Red Hen folktale convinced them to escape Communistic controled Canada. Thank God and remember Soli Calvinus et Reaganus Gloria!
Finally a colon cleanser fit to relieve the bowels of God’s Holy Predestined Elect introducing PoopraCrapsarian Laxatives. Every PoopraCrapsarian tablet is made by the most natural and Biblical of ingredients based on the Levetical Dietary Laws of keeping Kosher. All PoopraCrapsarian tablets contain the Absolute Decrees of God so remember PoopraCrapsarian Laxatives for all your colon cleansing needs—good only for the fatallistically predetermined voiding of bowels.
Warning PoopraCrapsarian Laxatives are only good enough for the Truly Predestined Elect of God—the True Converts. Side effects may include but are not limited to: bloating, upset stomach, diaherrea, arrogance, extreme Capitalism, anti-Catholic bigotry, a feeling of religious supremacy over those who disagree with you, elitism, aversion to religious objects, the need to burn heretics at the stake, love of war and torture, condescension and other side effects. False Converts, unregenerate reprobates and heathens need not apply as they have already been fatallistically predetermined by God to suffer the wrath of eternal bowel discomfort from the foundation of the world.
Our Research Robot Monkeys are always combing the web and the globe for all things worldly and apostate as they are able to find the devil in anything and everything. Recently a worldly and demon possessed cheese has been brought to their attention:
What makes this cheese so evil and reprobate? Just listen to the name Babybel which sounds too much like Babel which was in Babylon. Oh the rank apostasy—not only that we believe Babybel cheese is truly Satanic for when our Research Robot Monkeys parsed the letters out of Babybel, they discovered it was a secret codeword for Baby Bel. Bel as in Bel, Ba’al or Belial which of course are other names for the devil.
We concur as here are some of the worldly promises which Babybel offers:
they suit alternative vegetarian dietary needs (this is nothing but liberalism).
they make Goat cheese (Goats are symbolic of Satan and the unsaved non-Elect unregenerate reprobates).
they promise laughter (Discernmentalists don’t believe in laughter as laughter is too fun and fun leads to rebellion and rebellion is of the devil. We do believe in laughing at the non-Elect however and rejoice in their predestined damnation which brings gory glory to God).
it’s feminist (their commercial says that the cheese is “for the laughing girl”).
We Know that Emergents probably like it and if it was used in their churches it would cause women to disobey I Corinthians 14:33-35: “33For God is not the author of confusion, but of peace, as in all churches of the saints. 34Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience as also saith the law. 35And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church.” (KJV).
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