Archive for January 22nd, 2010

GOIP Scientists Invent Pocket-Sized Gaydar

January 22, 2010

Gay churches detected on Gaydar screen.

Recently after all the frequent gaydiation eruptions that Discernmentalists have detected—top GOIP Scientists have taken our Gaydar technology and have shrunk it down to a pocket  sized version. Using this GAYDAR Equation: 

The amount of muscular power Pr returning to the erect antenna is given by the Gaydar equation:

math

where*’

  • Pt = trouser power
  • Gt = “Telling by the way I walk” quotient.
  • Ar = fabulosity
  • σ = hairstyle cross section, or scattering highlights, of the target
  • F = shirt pattern propagation factor
  • Rt = distance from the transmitter to the moustache
  • Rr = distance from the moustache to the tip of the nose.

In the common case where the transmitter and the receiver are at the same location, Rt = Rr and the term Rt2 Rr2 can be replaced by LetsGetToIt”‘4, where LetsGetToIt is the result. This yields:

math

This shows that the received power declines as the fourth power of the range, which means that the reflected power from distant targets is very, very small. (This is the basis of that old chestnut, old gay men never die, they just fade away as the fourth power. – a joke which many mathematicians guffaw over to this day)

We figured out how to transform the raw power of Gaydar into a more compact sized version—so here it is—introducing the GAYGER METER new from GOIP Tech:

Now with two functionality purposes: detecting churches that support gay marriages and gay parents and outing gays in the midst of your church so that you can kick them out.

Gaydar showing an individual’s gayness level and how much of a threat it is to our Pure Churches and Pure Marriage Doctrines.

Discernmentalists Detect High Concentrations Of Gaydiation

January 22, 2010

Recently Discernmentalists have noticed high concentrations of Gayons around Canada, New York and Southern California. These findings are indeed disturbing but not surprising. Top GOIP scientists are hard at work on constructing an Anti-Gaydiation sheild against these gayons to protect our Pure Biblical Marriage Doctrines. In the meantime, we promise to locate every gay person we can and kick them out of our Pure Churches. Afterall, all gays are pedophiles and that’s just wrong. Besides would you want one of these sitting beside you in church?

We think not that’s why we promise to do all the thinking for you—so remember to spread the fear and hate.

Discernnmentalist Under Attack

January 22, 2010

GOIPBI Investigating Alleged Death Threat

Posted Jan 21st 2010 6:00AM by GOIP News

Jon Cryer - FBI Investigating Alleged Death ThreatJon Heresy Cryer — who stars with Todd Friel and Ray Comforts in “Two and a Half Discernmentalists” — told authorities his life was in danger — possibly by an Emergent hitman — and GOIP News has learned the GOIPBI is investigating.

Cryer sounded the alarm last Friday. Sources tell us Cryer told law enforcement he believed his ex-wife (an Arminian) hired a Emergent hitman to kill him with an Impure Doctrines Ray.

Cryer and his ex have been embroiled in a bitter custody fight, which has gotten even more intense recently.

Sources tell us the GOIPBI has been on the case for a week. As far as we know the agency has no suspects. The GOIPBI declined comment—only to say they are doing the best they can to protect other discernmentalists and our Pure Doctrines.

As we first reported, security descended on the set of “Two and a Half Discernmentalists” last Friday and the show was taped without an audience. We’re told this Friday’s show will also be taped without an audience … but it’s for creative, not security reasons.

Our sources say Cryer has told people the threat has yet to be abated against our Pure Doctrines though he feels more secure in knowing that we shall win the Truth War.

Cryer’s ex-wife told us last Friday she was unaware of any threat against Jon—typical Arminian and Emergent uncertainty.

GOIP Press 2010.