Well it’s that time of year again. Time to make your Christmas wishlists—so recently we polled all the top discernmentalists of the world online or otherwise—and with their help we came up with this Top Ten list of their favorite wishlist items for the 2009 Christmas season. Here is the list of items 10-6:
10. BILL GOTHARD LIPSERVICE TO CHRIST: BILL GOTHARD’S GREATEST DISCERNMENTALIST HITS
Tracks on this cd include:
- I Bill Do Endorse The Ways Of The Master Religion Discernmentalism
- Cabbage Patch Dolls Are Evil Spawns Of Satan Made By Commies
- I Can Cleanse Your Home By Jesus’ Power
- Circumcise Your Boys
- A Threefold Healing!
- Men Of The GOIP: They Met God, Formed an Army, and Launched a Movement of Power
- Our Jealous God
- Basic Life Principles
- Me, Jim Bob And The Duggars Twenty Or A Plenty
Available now from GOIP Records for $49.99. Act now and we’ll throw in the bonus track Mike Huckabee For President—Absolutely free.
9. Heretic Kebobs
New snack released for Hyper-Hyper-Calvinists—comes in several flavors which will Emerge in your mouth including: Grilled Grace-Hating Man-Lovers, Smoked Servetus, Papal Passionfruit, Universalist Mixed Meats, Pagan Vegetable Medley, Non-Elect and Confused Emergent Dessert Kebabs among others. Now available from GOIP Foods—$99.99 per serving.
8. ARMOR OF GOD PJS
Your kids won’t get raptured if Jesus returns and they’re wearing Harry Potter or SpongeBob PJs. Make the righteous choice and put them to bed in Armor of God PJs. Only $9.99 from GOIP Sleepwear. Armor Of God PJs are packed with that extra protection of John MacArthur approved fibers. “Leviticus 19:19 (ESV)—You Shall Keep My Statutes
“You shall keep my statutes. You shall not let your cattle breed with a different kind. You shall not sow your field with two kinds of seed, nor shall you wear a garment of cloth made of two kinds of material.” Paige Patterson‘s wife did all the stitching as sewing is only a woman’s job—men and women have separate roles you know? Don’t forget to purchase the Ye Holy Fundies’ Underoos each so separately for $15 extra–guaranteed for night-time leakage protection and they double as a chastity belt as well.
Guns the perfect gift for all ages from 7 to 4097. Guns, guns, guns, the gift that keeps on giving—fun for everyone! Bang, bang, bang, bang, shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot, kill, kill, kill, kill—instruments for pouring down God’s Wrath on all of our enemies. Our resident Redneck GOIPer wrote that jingle for our Ad. Shelly The True Republican agrees that our right/rite to guns is equal to our right/rite to free hate speech as both are part of our legal rights as citizens of God’s Chosen Nation—America and as rites in the ceremonies of our Master Religion—Christianity—God’s Chosen Religion for America and the only True Religion period. Guns available at your local GOIPer Toys-R-Us Association dealers—prices may vary from state to state.
6. THE PAT ROBERTSON AND FRIENDS COLORING BOOK
A great gift for kids of all ages from 1 to 102! Your kids will love our art activities in this well made coloring and activity book. Here is one of our fine examples of arts and crafts activities that also educates kids in the ways and logic of discernmentalists in The Pat Robertson and Friends Coloring Book: in it your kids will learn why it was an evil sin of humanistic pride against our Divine Sovereign God of hate and wrath to disobey Adolf Hitler and lie to the Nazis by hiding Jews from them—but why it’s ok to want communist/socialist dictators to be assassinated. A great and fun way to teach them the Absolute Truth—order now for the special deal of $19.95 each. Limit 2 per household.
List to be continued after more polling results are discernmentalized by our GOIP Bot 3000…..